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True reconciliation - or just making sure the OW/OM doesn't "win". (Updated)

elaine567

By elaine567
in General Relationship Discussion

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Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted
I watched Jerry Springer today for the first time actually - no lie.

It seemed to me the BWs there were determined to keep their man, whatever, just to stop the OW getting her claws into him.

 

I know Jerry Springer is all a set up, and over-dramatic trash television, but it made me think.

 

Are some BSs staying put, not solely because they love their man/woman, their kids, their life, their house, their "married" status etc. but also to make sure the other man/woman doesn't "win"?

 

Is "winning" enough of a drive to attempt reconciliation?

Is "winning" enough of a drive to override other concerns re the marriage?

Is the thought of the new man/new woman taking over their spousal role too much to bear, and anything is better than that?

Is there a gender split?

Are women or men more determined to keep their man/woman in the face of competition?

Can it sometimes be a hollow "victory"?

 

I have to write faster, lost what I wanted to say by being too slooow. People never love anyone so much as when they are walking out the door.

 

Clinginess in the face of never is our nature. Adversity to 'Losing' has to be one of humanity's strongest drives. I don't think we want to win so much in our romantic relationships as we do not want to lose what we think we have.

 

You don't lose Love, ever. Learn, break a neck, get stronger and more compassionate? Yes, lose no.

 

The people I have loved truly are still with me. I am a better person for having known them and their absence teaches me as much as their presence did.

 

Letting go is the hardest thing and is the epitome of Love, I think.

 

Autumn, you are one of the most insightful and kind posters on the board, IMO.

You have wasted time on nothing and you know that every lesson is only bringing you closer.

Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted
I know what it is to be the object of vindictiveness. I never wanted to become that myself.

 

Also, what does this mean? It is contradictory, will you elaborate?

autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

Posted
Posted
Also, what does this mean? It is contradictory, will you elaborate?

 

 

I have made some truly crap choices in my life. And, in trying to change, heal from, and move forward in them, I have expressed a lot of emotion, pain, and at times anger.

 

None of the above is out of the ordinary, of course. People do it every day. Maybe it is because i write well, or maybe it is because....well, I cannot really elaborate. But, after growing up in an environment where not only was there only one way to think, there was only many in which to think that one way.

 

As a result, I resist that kind of approach to life. I can also be very...pointed, as some of my less controlled posts illustrate.

 

Anyway....combine some of the struggles and way with words, and somehow I found myself at a certain point in my life someone to be made an...example of? I pushed the wrong buttons? At any rate, my well-being was abosultely threatened with vindictiveness masked as...concern. Not concern for me of course, but concern all the same. I had to extricate myself and lay out a lot of things to people close to me to prevent a ridiculous issue.

 

I moved on from that, and then I recently expreienced betrayal myself.

 

That did 2 things. One, it gave me a taste of the pain of what it feels like when the person you love lies to you and sleeps with someone behind your back...and chooses them. It also made the choice of how to proceed real to me - and I was determined not to become hard and to allow my world to shrink to the point where it revolved around making sure people "pay."

 

I have probably already shared too much. And with the encouraging words (which make my heart smile), I probably should back off for a bit. I'm still,l sadly, not completely sure I am safe online.

 

So when I said I didn't want to become vindictive, I meant that I do not ever want to do to others what has been done to me.

Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted
I have made some truly crap choices in my life. And, in trying to change, heal from, and move forward in them, I have expressed a lot of emotion, pain, and at times anger.

 

None of the above is out of the ordinary, of course. People do it every day. Maybe it is because i write well, or maybe it is because....well, I cannot really elaborate. But, after growing up in an environment where not only was there only one way to think, there was only many in which to think that one way.

 

As a result, I resist that kind of approach to life. I can also be very...pointed, as some of my less controlled posts illustrate.

 

Anyway....combine some of the struggles and way with words, and somehow I found myself at a certain point in my life someone to be made an...example of? I pushed the wrong buttons? At any rate, my well-being was abosultely threatened with vindictiveness masked as...concern. Not concern for me of course, but concern all the same. I had to extricate myself and lay out a lot of things to people close to me to prevent a ridiculous issue.

 

I moved on from that, and then I recently expreienced betrayal myself.

 

That did 2 things. One, it gave me a taste of the pain of what it feels like when the person you love lies to you and sleeps with someone behind your back...and chooses them. It also made the choice of how to proceed real to me - and I was determined not to become hard and to allow my world to shrink to the point where it revolved around making sure people "pay."

 

I have probably already shared too much. And with the encouraging words (which make my heart smile), I probably should back off for a bit. I'm still,l sadly, not completely sure I am safe online.

 

So when I said I didn't want to become vindictive, I meant that I do not ever want to do to others what has been done to me.

 

Thank you. I have seen from your posts how much the man who cheated on you hurt you. Yet....though you have expressed the pain, you have remained fair in responses to people who have been the cheater.

 

As far as the other, fair enough. You are feeling down at the moment but this is passing. Perception is pretty much 100% of human interaction and that is all it amounts to. I have found in my rather exciting lifetime a very comfortable and easy place for perception. Mine has become fairly constant and sure.

 

When you are still P46:10, chips fall in a miraculously easy way. :)

 

((Hug))

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

just making sure the OW/OM doesn't "win".

A girl I used to know has been seeing a married man for 15+ years (ever since her husband died). His wife knows about it.

Every so often the wife throws him out and he goes around to the OW and stays there. Then after a while the wife begs for him to go back - and he does.

 

Rinse and repeat :rolleyes:

 

The WS says to the OW that he is "waiting for his wife to divorce him". The OW accepts this.

 

He won't make a choice and the two women involved won't dump him because they don't want the other women to have him.

 

I haven't seen this girl for years but I hear that the situation is still continuing.

 

This guy is playing both these women like a fiddle and they can't see it.

 

That's why they call these situations "eternal triangles". :rolleyes:

autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

Posted
Posted
just making sure the OW/OM doesn't "win".

A girl I used to know has been seeing a married man for 15+ years (ever since her husband died). His wife knows about it.

Every so often the wife throws him out and he goes around to the OW and stays there. Then after a while the wife begs for him to go back - and he does.

 

Rinse and repeat :rolleyes:

 

The WS says to the OW that he is "waiting for his wife to divorce him". The OW accepts this.

 

He won't make a choice and the two women involved won't dump him because they don't want the other women to have him.

 

I haven't seen this girl for years but I hear that the situation is still continuing.

 

This guy is playing both these women like a fiddle and they can't see it.

 

That's why they call these situations "eternal triangles". :rolleyes:

 

Pride can create a variety of problems. What a sad situation.

  • Like 1
beatcuff Established Member

beatcuff

Posted
Posted

lost in this thread is what reconciliation really means. we all project reconciliation is 'the perfect marriage'. wrong, reconciliation is acceptance.

 

acceptance the WS strayed

acceptance the WS is flawed

acceptance M is never perfect

acceptance life changed

acceptance that movies are not real --- "they live happily ever after"

acceptance that life with WS is still better than not

acceptance (for some) that WS will continue to stray

acceptance that a BS decides what works for them is good for them.

 

why some reconcile and other do not should not be construed as a weakness of BS rather it should just be --- accepted. why because it's their life.

  • Like 2
autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

Posted
Posted
lost in this thread is what reconciliation really means. we all project reconciliation is 'the perfect marriage'. wrong, reconciliation is acceptance.

 

acceptance the WS strayed

acceptance the WS is flawed

acceptance M is never perfect

acceptance life changed

acceptance that movies are not real --- "they live happily ever after"

acceptance that life with WS is still better than not

acceptance (for some) that WS will continue to stray

acceptance that a BS decides what works for them is good for them.

 

why some reconcile and other do not should not be construed as a weakness of BS rather it should just be --- accepted. why because it's their life.

 

I do not think real reconciliation is a weakness. I just do not think defining the marriage and the people in it by the A for a lifetime is real reconciliation.

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