Drully Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Wellsir. (or ma'am) Here's my story. Back in October 2004, I met a girl online. I had seen her online (IRC) for quite sometime, but never really knew her. We started talking, I wanted to know more about her. There's this thing with her, she's very adamant about being 100% "anonymous" online. She doesn't send people pictures, she doesn't expose any personal information, she does not open up. A month or so passed, of us talking every night, most of the time for 5+ hours (about -everything-). She was like my online drug addiction, I absolutely loved conversing with her. Eventually, she started opening up to me. I went from knowing nothing, to having her picture. Couple weeks later, I got her first name. She is from my city, but lives 650 miles away, for schooling. December 6th, I sent her a long email about how I really liked her, and how it would be cool if we met, and maybe went further than friends. I totally adored everything about her. By this time, I knew more than most others ever had about her. We had a 21 email discussion about it, and she basically said SURE!! .. but no, sorry. Never really explained why. She did say that because I am not Christian as she is, it would not be a good idea. I’m sorta 50/50 on the whole religion thing. I grew up Christian, but a series of events In my life, and no religious influence have me sort of “iffy” on it all. It’s a weird subject heh. The end of December, she was back in town for x-mas and new years with family. (I would like to note, she was home schooled, and her family lives on a farm just outside the actual city). Dec 30th, she agreed to meet up in real life, me and my friend Chris. We all went to his house, did the meet and greet then played a game of monopoly. Everything went very well, good time had by all. Couple days later, she had flown back to her schooling city, thus began our online “talkies” as we call it, once again. We still kept emailing as usual too, constantly. This went on for months, even when I was in the UK for the month of February, still had daily contact. This had been going pretty good. Even though I knew what she had said about a “relationship” or something of the sort between us, I was still falling for her. My entire real life, revolved around her time table. I would plan my sleep pattern, just to wish her well In the mornings, and to bed. She was still confiding in me, told me everything. We grew very close again. Heh. As I did before, I sent her an email professing my “crush” on her. How, if she would just give me a chance to show her what its like being liked by the opposite sex (she is 24. never been in a relationship. Never been kissed, or so much as held a guys hand..). I’ve told her im not looking for marriage, sex or to move in together. I miss the warmth and compassion that females have. I’ve only been in one serious relationship, which was wonderful until she cheated on me. This email got a reply of “Erm.. I’ll have to think about it”, and that was it. Things went on normal again for a couple weeks. She was going through her final exams for the semester, and totally stressed. I stupidly brought up the subject again. She didn’t really say anything, which I took wrong, and got upset. I made an idiot out of myself. I tried to stop talking to her for a week or so, to see if I could get her outta my system. It was pure agony. I couldn’t eat, sleep or do anything productive. She was on my mind 24/7. Shortly after this, I sent her another letter. A real letter (I have her address/phone number). 4 pages of heart felt inked pen. I haven’t written a paper letter in over a decade. It was kinda sloppy heh. Damn keyboard has spoiled me. I sent it off. Things pretty much went back to normal more or less between us. I didn’t ask if she had got the letter, for 2 weeks. She said yes, she did, but didn’t know how or what to respond with. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting a response, but “actions speak louder than words”. I was happy she had read it. The letter basically explained how I wanted to be mature as possible over this. I wanted to take her out for coffee, a movie or something like that, next time she’s in town. Until then, I was going to be there for her online. Things sorta changed with this. She stopped talking as much, stopped telling me things she used to, feelings, emotions, ideas.. We’d basically discuss how our day went and that was it. I still feel totally the same about her. She once said I should read the bible, so I read over 80 pages. I’m not the brightest guy in the world, didn’t comprehend a lot of it, but I did it. Anyway. She stopped being outward affectionate (by this, I mean typing *hugs*, and responding to things with “heh” or “ “, where before she used to do a lot more). Last night we were talking about something stupid I had done as a joke, which made her “freeze” and panic. (I had downloaded a movie album she really wanted. Zipped it up, put a password on it, and sent to her. In order to get the password, I said she had to record herself talking like a pirate on the mic and send. (I forgot to mention, we used to do voice chat CONSTANTLY, as well as type)). I found out last night, that it really made her feel like It was a “power game”, and she didn’t know what to do. This made me feel like the biggest piece of sh*t of all time. I had no idea. I thought it was just a sarcastic little joke, and would be cute. I 100% did not expect her to do it, and was going to give her the pass as soon as she said “no”. Damned, I still feel horrible over it. Had no friggen clue It was affecting her negatively. Blah. Anyway.. I went on to apologize profusely, and offered to make it up to her somehow. She said no, I don’t have to. I said, I know.. but I want to. She went on to say: “I need space though. I need to be my own person, as independent as possible. I don't know why, that's just how I am.” I said, yes, I know all about your wanting to be independent (as I know virtually everything about her). She said. “But sometimes that means I won't be communicative for awhile. I need that to be okay. :\” I took this, as her wanting to push me away even further. She seems uncomfortable talking to me now, which is totally not something I wanted to ever do. I adore her so damn much, it affects me physically. My problem is, I don’t know where to go from here. A friend suggested I “back off for a while”, and next time she’s in the city, try and meet up and see where things go. While this suggestion sounds great, she wont be here till at least the fall, and Im worried that if I do “back off”, it might seem as though I don’t care about her or things or the situation. You know? I don’t want to smother her though. Hell no. I think ive made a pretty good mess of things on my own. A little outside input would be cool, if anyone actually read all of this heh. I didn’t include a lot of the small details, but you get the all around picture I guess. If anyone wants to know something specific, just ask. Im against a brick wall here, absolutely terrified. I want so much to just hang out with her, see if anything develops. If not, meh, it just wasn’t meant to be I guess. All I want. All I need. Is a chance.
chubachoop Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 She knows how you feel. She has asked if its ok if she doesnt communicate with you always. I think u should take your friends advice and back off a bit. You dont want her to think you are pestering her. Go out, build yourself a life up again away from the internet. hang out with friends, start a new hobby, whatever. Be there for her still but give her space. If she wants to meet up with you next time she is in the city, let her be the one to sort it out and if she likes you, she will because you have shown her how interested you are. Thats my opinion anyways
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