abe1927 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'm 60, buddy is 61. I'm looking for ideas on how to convince him to end an unhappy marriage of 25 years. Many times he's said he'd MUCH rather be divorced, even if his wife takes him to the cleaners financially. (He's a doctor and can earn it back in a year.) But inertia keeps him from doing anything and he remains in an miserable marriage. (Daughter is grown up and out of the house.) Any thoughts on how to convince him to start on a divorce? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Don't do it. Just listen to him. If he wants a divorce, he can find a lawyer. If he asks for a recommendation, give him one. Until then, say nothing. If you stick your nose in, you will forever be the reason he is unhappy post divorce. Just support your buddy in whatever HE CHOOSES without your influence or input 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) It's a conclusion he must make on his own. Pushing too hard could ruin any friendship you have. Some people see miserable as normal for them. Some don't have a need to change a thing - but certainly love having something to complain about - and someone else to blame. Like playing "the victim" - and if he leaves he may just search out the same unhealthy dynamics with the next woman. Are you make or female? Edited June 26, 2015 by beach 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Ya I am in agreement with the other posters. The best thing you can do is be his friend and support him as he goes through this. Advocating for a specific outcome is probably not the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I'm 60, buddy is 61. I'm looking for ideas on how to convince him to end an unhappy marriage of 25 years. Many times he's said he'd MUCH rather be divorced, even if his wife takes him to the cleaners financially. (He's a doctor and can earn it back in a year.) But inertia keeps him from doing anything and he remains in an miserable marriage. (Daughter is grown up and out of the house.) Any thoughts on how to convince him to start on a divorce? Thanks. There's absolutely nothing you can do to convince him to divorce his wife. If he truly is as unhappy as he says (vents to you) he is, then he will do something about it. Obviously he has reasons as to why he still is married and living life with his wife. People who want to divorce, do so. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 it's not your place! Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 abe1927, Any thoughts on how to convince him to start on a divorce? People come to things in their own time, if at all. Just be a good friend to him and let him vent. If it gets too much for you, tell him that you're sorry he's unhappy but you really don't want to hear it any more and he's knows what to do if he's that miserable. Some people just make a career out of moaning and you can only indulge them so far. Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Genuinely curious about the general non-interference theme in most of the responses. And I mean that - curious, not critical. The experience I immediately moved to was advising female friends in the past to break up with boyfriends if the relationship was clearly unhealthy. As I tried to mentally shift this to advising divorce, it does feel more precipitous somehow. Much more at stake maybe? An assumption that you can't possibly know enough about a long and necessarily complex relationship to take that role? I'm not sure. But those of us who are effectively saying some version of 'it's not your place' should be clear why and make sure it's not just the socially correct or comfortable answer. It's so clear on LS how people in bad and destructive marital situations can lose perspective and get locked in mental and emotional places where they are failing to act in their best interests, or where they are trapped in fear driven inertia. A bazillion posts on here urge leaving multiple bad situations and offer advice and experience even when it's not directly sought. What makes this different in a material way? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 What is the evidence showing unhappiness in this marriage? Where did you get that information? What specifically supports that conclusion? And as asked previously, are you a man or woman? Do you have any personal (self-referent) interest in your friend's divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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