PassingInterest Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Hi all, late 20s guy here. My wife passed away a few years back of a terminal illness; we were married for a little under. I'm "over it" in the sense I don't beat myself up about it anymore but some days are definitely harder than others since well, those will probably be the best years of my life. Within the last year I did end up dating a few dozen different women but came to realize I really had little interest in finding another partner and was just going through the motions essentially so, I stopped fishing around. I bring this up now because it kind of popped up while chatting with a coworker/acquaintance. I realize some might see this as rude and call it off limits for discussion but it's obviously a large part of the person I am today so I didn't mind discussing it with them. I'm not looking to be swayed in any direction, I feel I'm pretty set in my current convictions. I felt it would be interesting to hear from people with similar experiences or know of someone who went through it.
Redhead14 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Hi all, late 20s guy here. My wife passed away a few years back of a terminal illness; we were married for a little under. I'm "over it" in the sense I don't beat myself up about it anymore but some days are definitely harder than others since well, those will probably be the best years of my life. Within the last year I did end up dating a few dozen different women but came to realize I really had little interest in finding another partner and was just going through the motions essentially so, I stopped fishing around. I bring this up now because it kind of popped up while chatting with a coworker/acquaintance. I realize some might see this as rude and call it off limits for discussion but it's obviously a large part of the person I am today so I didn't mind discussing it with them. I'm not looking to be swayed in any direction, I feel I'm pretty set in my current convictions. I felt it would be interesting to hear from people with similar experiences or know of someone who went through it. I was with my fiance for two years, engaged for the second year. He passed away a few months before the wedding. I stayed single and grieved for about a year and didn't date. I wasn't even thinking about another relationship, didn't care. One day, I was sitting next to a man at this bar/restaurant I frequent on the way home to have dinner before going home. It was the first time he'd been there. He mentioned something that was going on on the TV and we chit chatted about that for a bit and the conversation went to other chit chatty things. I finished my dinner, told him I enjoyed meeting him and went on my way. I went there a few days later and he was there again and came over to me. We talked more and stayed there for about 6 hours. It turns out he had been going there in the days between hoping to find me there again. We didn't talk about whether we were dating people or anything. But, he did ask me out for dinner. I accepted and we dated casually and without intimacy for a little while. One day he asked me to be exclusive with him and now it's been a year. I had no idea or intention of having a relationship before that, it just happened. 5
casey.lives Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 don't over glamourize what you used to live. most people think their high school years or their college years are the best... my father thought his best years were as a fully engaged father.. it depends on what you value, fun family, wealth.. not on the time. when you have what you love.. those are your best years. the past is the past. try and stay present and love something about what you have now 1
mysteryscape Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 You "dated" a few dozen in the past year? Wow, that's a lot! I wonder how many of them you saw more than once. It is possible even at your age that you aren't really feeling an urge or need to find someone else, maybe you want to keep the memory of your wife. I would recommend -- at a much older age, but having been through something not altogether different, but which I don't want to discuss further here -- that you neither force yourself to "seek" someone new, nor close yourself off to the possibility, either. Perhaps, if you feel like it, you could seek women as "friends" without necessarily any further intent, but not completely excluding the possibility either, and let things go from there, wherever they may. One thing I can tell you, it's rarely possible to bring back the past, in your case, completely impossible. It might be best to be open to the future, without forgetting the past. I hope that might be of help, I hope I am being sympathetic to your situation.
Redhead14 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Maybe you should try to realize that there isn't necessarily only one "the one". Each relationship is different and special in it's own way. You will never have anyone like your wife, but you may find someone was just as special to you in her own way. I've had 3 "the ones" in my life time. I loved them all for who they were/are. 1
Gary S Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Time is the great healer - it takes time to get over it. Your feelings are pretty common. Besides widowers feeling this way, there are tons of people who have broken up, divorced, or are separated who feel the same way. It's called the rebound period. You should date casually even though you don't want to, it's good therapy. Additionally, counseling can help ease the pain, and so can getting more involved in other facets of your life like work and play.
preraph Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Everyone heals in different amounts of time. The only word of caution I would offer you is if you are anesthetizing yourself regularly still at this point with alcohol or pills that aren't specifically prescribed by your doctor, those things will only stunt your healing. Because if you're anesthetizing, you're not fully dealing with the pain. It's normal to need something at first, of course. But at some point, you have to really deal with the demons. So if you're drinking or whatever, try just stopping and let the emotions run their course. If you're not using anything to help with the pain, then you just aren't ready yet. No point in pushing yourself. Baby steps. I recommend you simply be sure to make yourself go do something you enjoy (or used to enjoy) at least once every week or so and start building new good memories. Steeping in old bittersweet and sad memories to the exclusion of everything else can really make you stagnant and can even affect your neural pathways and put you into a PTSD type cycle of reliving. I don't think you're doing that because you say you're doing well in some areas, but just remember to make new memories that are good and crowd out some of that staleness you're been living with all these years. Give yourself a little joy and it will slowly grow. Remember that how long you mourn is no measure of how much you loved someone and also that if she's somewhere in spirit able to look in on you, the very last thing she would want is for you to still be sad all the time. Make yourself pick up a little thread of life every week or so.
Fugu Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 I suspect you will eventually get to a point when you can let go, but nobody can tell you when that will be - you have to continue processing things and making sense out of what has happened. That could be a year from now, or it could be ten. Who knows? Doesn't matter. You're thinking about it, which I think means that, on some level, you're really trying to process it so that you can move on. I think you will eventually go out, have some good times, gradually move forward, and realize at some point that life does go on. Nothing will ever replace what you had. What you had with your late wife will always be special, and it could well be the highlight of your life, even if you remarry. That being said, I think life is meant to be lived. We survive. We have to keep movin' on somehow and have more life experiences. I have often thought of life as kinda like a long train ride. You get on the train, and at some point you get off, but the train keeps moving. What's important is the ride you take. What's even more important are the people you sit next to in your life, the people who talk to you and share themselves. These people will get on and get off at different stations than you. You will see them leave, you will say goodbye, and you will think about all the good times you had together. Just as one day, people will do the same with you when it's your time. But just as some people you grow close to get off, others get onboard. New people sit next to you. New people to share new experiences with. This happens from the time you're born, until the day you're laid to rest. Some people share more with you and leave a more meaningful impact. Some people make you think more, laugh more, cry more. Some people stay with you in heart, body, and mind long after their gone, become a part of you. Your late wife is with you in some way even now. She would want you to miss her, to honor her in memory. But I think that if she's the person I think she is, she would also want you to honor her by living your life, by you opening up yourself to new people and new experiences. It's okay if you don't see that now. You may already know it intellectually, but it means nothing if you don't feel that in your heart yet. I suspect that's where you're at now. Your gray matter's telling you to move on, but your soul is still struggling with things like loyalty to your beloved wife. I think your late wife wants you to be happy, though you might not feel that at the moment. One day, one night though...maybe some experience will make it all click. Hopefully then you can let go. But don't rush things. Let it come in time. Good luck.
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