SerCay Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 So if you had a boyfriend that didn't work and didn't want to work, who just hung out and did recreational stuff all day, but had enough money to support himself, who wasn't worried about making plans for the future, not with himself but also not with you, would you stay with him? With of my exes I had this situation. Even though I was working, he was the one with more money, since he had no bills to pay other than his health insurance and phone (lives with parents). He filled his days with sports and cooking and friends. Together, we were fun though. We enjoyed the same things and had lots of fun. Yet somehow, sometimes I couldn't stand it. I would be up and running and planning all the things I had to do that day, and I would see him just laying there, IM'ing away at his phone with his friends and reading interesting things...sometimes I became really pissed with him just to see him do that. And it wasn't because he wasn't doing anything on that particular moment...it was because at that moment I realized that this was all he EVER did. What would you think? Was I jealous of some sorts? Or is it a normal reaction. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Life is fluid and as you get older you accept more and more financial responsibilities. So if he was independently wealthy then it shouldn't be a problem but if he was just doing okay and making it then the future doesn't look too bright as if you coupled with him and bought a house, had kids he wouldn't be working and the little money won't go far. That aside people who are lazy and don't have a purpose in life normally live lost lives, working gives you purpose. 4
Author SerCay Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 That aside people who are lazy and don't have a purpose in life normally live lost lives, working gives you purpose. I think this is what got to me on those moments... 1
kjohn Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 If his finances were such that he did not have to work and could still support himself, I wouldn't have a problem with him filling his days with the things that he enjoyed. What I would have a problem with is dating an adult who lived with his parents....that would be a huge turnoff for me in and of itself. Why is he living with them? Is he only staying there because he doesn't want to become a grown-up and get a job? The second thing I would have a problem with is his objection to making plans for the future....but that depends on where you are in your life. If you have marriage in mind and are dating somebody who can't even think about what he is going to have for dinner that evening, let alone where he sees himself in 3-5 years....that is a compatibility issue and would likely not make for a happy relationship. 1
Satu Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 That aside people who are lazy and don't have a purpose in life normally live lost lives, working gives you purpose. I don't need to work, and I don't, but I live a life full of purpose. My priority is really being there for the people in my life, and contributing to their wellbeing in every way I can. Thats my prime focus. After that comes doing what makes me happy. Having a purpose in life doesn't depend on having a job. 4
central Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 It wouldn't work for me except as a fling, or FWB scenario, unless it was a temporary situation that she was enjoying. Or retirement, perhaps - you've earned it by then (and I'm nearly there!). I would need a project or be working towards a goal, getting more education or skills (seems like this would be a good use of his time), or at least do things that lessen the burden on my SO.
Art_Critic Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Having a purpose in life doesn't depend on having a job. Your correct, you don't sound lazy.. my wife for example is a SAHM... she isn't lazy either but we aren't talking about that. 2
Author SerCay Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 But do you guys think my irritation also had a bit jealousy in it? Put aside the fact that he lived with his parents, we weren't comptible enough or anything else, do you think that I might have just been jealous of the fact that he was free to do as he pleased all day? Because I sense it might be true..I guess I was jealous. But on the other hand, if I had the money that he has, I would do things, I would open a business, be busy with something... so doing nothing is not for me, yet still the jealousy. Maybe I was jealous of the fact that he could choose to do whatever he pleased and I had to work to make a living.
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 You may have been a little envious. However him living with & therefore sponging off his parents doesn't mean he had enough money to support himself. If he owned his own house debt free & had enough to pay the taxes plus do whatever he wanted, that is a person who is financial independent. What you describe is a guy who has yet to face any real challenges & may not have the wherewithal to do so. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Nope You are completely justified. He is a lazy bum who is sponging off of his parents. SOD THAT. Even just a part time job, charity work, something, anything rather than swanning around being a spoilt brat... I would not be giving this one the time of day at all. I also don't think you were jealous. I think you were annoyed because he is in essence sponging off of others... Nothing wrong with that 1
No Limit Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Definitely not. I'm rather ambitious so I can't imagine being with someone who intends to spend his life in their parent's home and from their purse. If he'd at least do volunterring or anything to help society or nature or just the elderly neighbour who needs some errands done, but sitting at home only? 1
rester Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 For me it would depend on how the person that doesn't need to work is spending their time. Living with parents and hanging with friends all day is not something I would tolerate in a partner. If they fill their days with things that are productive and enriching, I'd be okay with it. I would be envious of them, but I don't think that alone would affect the relationship. 1
sandylee1 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 He sounds like Charlie from 2 and a half men. I would be bored not doing anything even if I could afford not to work , -like you I'd want to run a business or something. I often say even if I won megabucks, I already know the sort of establishment I'd like to open. But with your Ex, I'd wonder if he planned for the future , because unless this money is from a never ending supply, he'll need to think of the future . 1
preraph Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 As long as he's living with and off his parents, he's always going to be a boy, not a man. That's the problem. You are a functioning adult and he is not. So the question is do you want to adopt a child? 3
spiderowl Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 I have found over the years that I want to feel a guy is 'responsible'. To me, this is not boring but it's about maturity. I would like to know that in any difficult situation he would have a sense of responsibility and handle it well. He wouldn't be just doing his own thing and to hell with others. OK your guy didn't need to be responsible money-wise because he had enough, but he was showing you in many ways that he was unlikely to be so in the foreseeable future. If you do not feel a guy is responsible and capable of exercising self control when it is important, you are not likely to feel secure or happy with him. 2
Author SerCay Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 I think it got to me that he just did nothing productive at all.... I'm totally of the "we live once" mentality.. So here I'm gonna say something that sounds even weird to my own ears, but still...I'm gonna say it. I know a lot of you will attack me for this, but it's how I feel, so here goes: He had more money than I did, whatever the reason, he just did. I had to work hard, and worry hard at times I was out of a job. Because he had more money, he used to pay for the food, whenever we would eat together. Because he had more time, he used to be the one taking care of electronics that broke. He was living with his parents though, so we always stayed over at mine. What got to me was this: He refused to count our staying at my house for 4,5 years and using my utilities as "contributing" to the relationship. That hurt me so much. So one of our last fights was about him preferring to go on holidays with his best friend for a long period of time, instead of going aay for a shorter time with me. His reason was: Because I couldn't pay for myself. So after years and years of staying at my house, he thinks he can't pay for a holiday (a cheap and short one by the way) because "I cant pay for myself". His reasoning is: whenever you have a little money, you spend it on yourself. My reasoning is: we use my house, and I rarely ever have spare money, and when I do have it, I buy clothes, have drinks with a friend, or buy food for him and myself... He expects me, to provide my house for our staying together. While he lives with his parents. To spend my money on him when I have it, because he spends money on food for us. It just pissed me off and I think him to be cheap. A cheap leech, who thinks that just because you buy the food you eat together with someone, you are the one doing everything. All the while staying over every night in a house you don't pay for. Yeap figured it out now, it wasn't envy, I was pissed for not being recognized as an equal. I should have told him "sorry get your own place or live with me in a contributing way" long before we broke up. That was a mistake on my part.
Gloria25 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I think this guy is an awful person... Yes, I see lazy people - especially some women - who don't do a thing and/or are manipulative, lazy, fat even, yet have guys providing for them in more ways than one when they do nothing. But still, I take pride in knowing I didn't have to manipulate and/or get on my back to have some guy take care of me. I also take pride in knowing that I "earned" everything I have and didn't have to depend on someone else and/or default into marriage/childhood/a shack-up with some dude to get half and/or all my bills paid for. So yea, I can say I feel envious at times - but at the same time, I have my pride intact and can sleep well at night...can't say the same for them. The day I get on my back for some guy to pay my bills, I'll set up a corner on Hollywood & Vine and make my own hours - so at the end of the day I can go back to "my" home and leave the Johns behind w/o having to look some sappy dude's sorry face 24/7 and pretend I give a hoot about him cuz we live under the same roof. Now, this guy is a jerk cuz IMO, while I'm not one of those people who believe in redistribution of wealth and all that, but to just spend all day like a perpetual child cuz you have no bills and responsibilities screams selfishness to a "T". I'm big on volunteering and giving back to the community. Does he ever take an hour or two to see if a neighbor needs help with their lawn, groceries, repairs, etc? Does he go to a soup kitchen and help serve some food? Does he ever go to the local YMCA and shoot hoops with young men who don't have positive male figures in their life? What a waste to just sit on your arse all day and indulge your sorry self.... Two, he is a jerk cuz believe it or not he "is" treating you as an "equal" rather than a woman. He expect you to pay your way as if you are "one of the guys". Yes, courting is when a man spends on a woman to show his ability to provide, but come on where's the chivalry? And seriously, he's getting sex from you. If he had to get a hooker, he'd have to come up with the money for sure. Regardless if you are giving him sex or not, what's wrong with being a gentleman and/or treating another person? When I go out with gfs and family, I'm quick to offer to pay for them and vice-versa. People are sweet and treat each other. Loser jerk, lose him...let him go pay for an escort and/or hooker for female attention....but nah, the way women are now a days, he'll find someone else who's cool with paying her own way and may even drive up to his place at 2AM like Domino's to "serve" him.
Author SerCay Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 I tried many times...to tell him he needs to do something in life, for himself at least... He always said yeah I will, don't worry. But then did nothing... I still feel like it wasn't up to me to get upset about it, to each their own. But sometimes human emotions show through surface I guess.
MoreAmore Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 If a guy was actually financially independent, I'd be fine with him not working. There's a lot you can do. If I didn't need money, I wouldn't work. I have lots of things productive and fulfilling to me that don't provide a paycheck. Parents supporting you is not financial independence, though. That's failure to grow up.
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