waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 This is long, I’m sorry. I’ve met a man that I really like. We are both single parents of teenagers with full custody. Granted, he has more help than I do, in that his own parents live in the same neighborhood and his ex-wife is active in his children’s lives (she is remarried). My parents live quite far away and are infirm, and my ex-husband is an alcoholic musician who has little concern (financially or otherwise) for our children. My new man has acknowledged this, but doesn’t understand, I think, how difficult it is for me. My “boyfriend” – we recently discussed and agreed upon the boyfriend / girlfriend titles – is quite busy with his work, charitable commitments, and his children’s activities. I also have a demanding career, although only one of my children is in sports (the other does not desire it). I quite admire his devotion to his children and to the community, etc., but am at a loss as to understanding why he can’t seem to find more time to spend with me. I know he is not dating others (he’s not the type and was celibate for a long time before me), but I’m used to much more attention from a man while in a relationship. The situation is made worse in that we only are able to be uh intimate a couple times a month because having older children in the house makes such behavior inappropriate. We’ve been able to arrange a few encounters, and they were less than spectacular, owing in part to our inexperience with each other (not having been together in that way more than a handful of times). I feel like there is little foundation or few lovely times to hold me over between our long absences from each other due to his busy schedule. In addition, although I’ve asked that he sit down with his schedule and pencil me in (so to speak), I never know when I will see him next, and it’s usually last minute lunch dates or some such thing. I haven’t had a date on Saturday night in God knows how long, and I’m seeing him on average only once every 5 days – about once a week. We talk on the phone briefly maybe once or twice between those times, and text usually daily – although we often miss each other’s texts (one of us is in a meeting or working). He is very considerate and kind. I admire him tremendously. He is a wonderful father. I can see myself with him long-term, particularly since our children are due to go to University in just a few years and we would both like a partner. I just can’t get over the lack of attention / contact / actual dates (with planning ahead). How patient must I be? Am I being unreasonable? Should I date others? I feel neglected and sort of an afterthought in his life. I am certainly willing to make time for him, and for friends (usually in the evenings). Does he have “divorce guilt”? Or do I need to just let him go? For the record, I’ve talked to him about some of this and it hasn’t changed.
misspond Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Impatience can be a terrible thing If I were to meet another single parent and our lives intersect at the "right" times then I'd still only be able to see him maybe twice a month. Maybe just chill out a little and see what develops? Being busy with work and kids makes it hard to get together with someone you like and want to get to know better. If you started dated someone who didn't have his commitments would you be able to pencil "him" in more often?
Author waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 If you started dated someone who didn't have his commitments would you be able to pencil "him" in more often? That's the thing - my children are teens. They don't need their hand held continuously. I could go out with friends / boyfriend / whatever 5 nights a week without my children complaining about it, and without worrying whether or not I'm a good parent. I just don't understand his reasoning. Twice a week would make me happy - something like Wednesday and Saturday evenings (with him asking in advance) - perhaps a daily phone call or some such thing. I just don't see how this could be called a relationship! I'm rather irritated and (because I respect him), I don't know how to explain it to him. I've tried . . .
misspond Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 That's the thing - my children are teens. They don't need their hand held continuously. I could go out with friends / boyfriend / whatever 5 nights a week without my children complaining about it, and without worrying whether or not I'm a good parent. I just don't understand his reasoning. Twice a week would make me happy - something like Wednesday and Saturday evenings (with him asking in advance) - perhaps a daily phone call or some such thing. I just don't see how this could be called a relationship! I'm rather irritated and (because I respect him), I don't know how to explain it to him. I've tried . . . Where did you meet him?
misspond Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Ok. I'm a single parent myself and my kids are younger than yours. If I met someone I really liked who was a single dad and who's weekends synced up with mine then I'd want to see him whenever we were both free. But equally I know some single dads who are devoted to their children (of whatever age) and most feel burned (in fact I'm going camping at the weekend with about 60 single parent families and I can guarantee it's going to be a hook-up free weekend because we're all devoted to our kids and have been burned). Can you give him a little more time? Apparently it's us women who need more time and men will pursue despite the obstacles in their way, but I think that for men who have seen their children to semi-adulthood there is some lee-way to be had?
Author waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 He has a strange arrangement with his ex. My kids go to their father's family about 5 times a year, which leaves me alone and free to have an overnight guest (yet only 5 times a year). His ex-wife and he split up their children for visitation, such that neither of them are without a child EVER. He has custody of the two boys, and she keeps the girl. They sort of shuffle them around for visitation. I'll give it some time. But the physical part and the freedom to just BE at one of our homes without children is so difficult! I think it would be easier to see a man who has weekend visitation or something similar, not full custody. But he is such a good man and they are so hard to find. I feel unimportant. And whereas I realize I should not be more important than his children (obviously), he doesn't seem to be making an effort to make me happier in this situation.
misspond Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Then it's very tricky for you. Both. I dunno, I know a few single dads with older children who are able to and make adequate time for the women they meet and want to forge relationships with. And I know others who don't seek to be able to... Full visitation is hard. But, then maybe not so much with older children... In this case I might jump back to the position of, "if a man wants you in his life....." (because my limited experience of those who don't have kids but still can't find time for you because they're just not that into you.....) his behaviour seems to indicate that he's not as into this as you are. Big hugs because it that's the case it sucks xx
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Just my opinion...but you could talk to him about it until hell freezes over....nothing is going to change until and unless HE wants to spend more time with you.... of his own free will. I have learned that unless a man has the desire, all on his own, to spend more time with whomever he is dating... (with no pushing, prodding or pleading from her).....her asking him to spend more time, or complaining he is not spending enough time....or explaining she needs more time spent together....is a futile waste of energy. If your needs aren't being met in this regard, move on, cuz sadly he is not gonna change....at least with respect to you. I'm sorry I know that is not what you wanted to hear...but it's the harsh reality. Sadly. 7
BluEyeL Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Is this the guy who wouldn't say I love you, or I'm confusing you with someone else ? 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 No, I broke up with that guy last year. He was i n s a n e (and cheating on me).
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 So on top of being divorced parents they separated the children?? What in the world !!....no comment. How long have you been dating? How long do you both think you need to date before introducing children?
Author waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) So on top of being divorced parents they separated the children?? What in the world !!....no comment. How long have you been dating? How long do you both think you need to date before introducing children? Yeah, Gaeta I hear you. I disagree with it too. I think it's insane. AND when the ex wife is in town with her new husband, ALL of them go out for dinners / movies, outings, etc. Seriously awkward. To each his own I guess. Suffice to say that if it were to become serious, I would be seeing a lot more of his ex wife than I would prefer. After the last mess I made introducing my children to a date, I would say at LEAST 6 months of dating, preferably a year. And he has made clear that sleepovers would not be appropriate. Oh, and we've been dating three months. We've had sex about 5 times. Edited June 25, 2015 by waiting4u
Lois_Griffin Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I know you say he's the type of guy that wouldn't be dating anyone else (famous last words), but I do find it pretty odd that he's NEVER available on a Saturday night. Ever. What's he doing EVERY Saturday night? Doling out soup at the soup kitchen? I hate to say it but what another poster said - that a man who WANTS to spend time with you will find the time - was right on the money. You're just kind of a companion for him at this point. And he's selfishly seeing you only when it's convenient for HIM and completely ignoring YOUR needs. You can stay with the Invisible Man or you can find one who actually makes you a priority. Myself? I'd 'next' the guy. 2
Author waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Well supposedly he's spending time with his children.
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Well supposedly he's spending time with his children. Every Saturday night? And they're teenagers? Sorry not buying it.... Just me.
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Every Saturday night? And they're teenagers? Sorry not buying it.... Just me. Ya really!! How old are we talking about here?
travelbug1996 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Sounds like he's just passing time with you. Wait for a guy that actually makes plans with you and wants to see you more often. This guy is not that interested. 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Every Saturday night? And they're teenagers? Sorry not buying it.... Just me. The girl is 13 and visiting for the summer, so I can understand that to an extent - she's likely a bit more high maintenance as he doesn't have her all year (she lives with her Mom). The boys are 17 and 15. He's somewhat religious - goes to church, etc. And from what I understand, he's been on only a handful of dates since his divorce (2-3 years ago). I honestly don't think he's running around with other women.
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 The girl is 13 and visiting for the summer, so I can understand that to an extent - she's likely a bit more high maintenance as he doesn't have her all year (she lives with her Mom). The boys are 17 and 15. He's somewhat religious - goes to church, etc. And from what I understand, he's been on only a handful of dates since his divorce (2-3 years ago). I honestly don't think he's running around with other women. Bolded -- You've repeated that several times throughout this thread. Who is telling you this stuff? Him?
Carm Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Hi W4U, Well, I was sort of in a similar situation. I am currently seeing a man with teenage children, we've been together for one year now. I have young adult children so my time is more open. For the first few months, we only saw each other every other weekend (when he didn't have the kids) and one date during the weekday. I didn't want to push and quite frankly I was okay, busy with life and had time for my friends. After awhile and once they knew about me, we then started adding a Saturday night on his weekends with the kids. They are teens and they can be left alone. This is still our arrangement and I'm totally fine with it. Do I want more? Eventually, but this works for me. Like the others have mentioned, never a Saturday night would bother me and make me wonder what's really going on. Relationships need to progress, a stagnate relationship isn't going to be heading anywhere. 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 Katie - Yes, honestly there's nothing to be suspicious about. He's not the type I'm serious. He's simple, easygoing, straightforward, considerate, accepting, dependable, no drama whatsoever. I've been cheated on - I know the signs. Not to mention his eldest son has friended me on Facebook (a bit creepy I know), but it verifies that his son is curious, thinks it's serious, and wants to meet me. He's just what they call a helicopter parent I think. They go to the movies and stuff on the weekends. I've been out with him on a Friday night. It's more a matter of me wondering whether or not I'm being unreasonable to demand so much of his time. I don't think so, but is it worth breaking it off with a really good guy?
Gaeta Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 It's more a matter of me wondering whether or not I'm being unreasonable to demand so much of his time. I don't think so, but is it worth breaking it off with a really good guy? How useful is a really good guy if you can't see him? 3
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