belliar Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) Hello I got very uncomfortable situation with my girlfriend. We have been together nearly 6 months and we get along very good, I really like her and everything is perfect besides sex. When it comes to bed she is very awkward. For when I have sex with her sometimes I have to stop and go sleep because she just seems like she doesn't enjoy it at all. She also never starts sex or taking control, change position or anything like that however she i will give me signs that she is horny. On the other hand when she is drunk she is great in bed does variety of different things, takes control and she seems like she loves it. I tried to talk to her and most things she finds disgusting, including me going down on her. Or once I tried to suggest to use cock ring wanted see how she would react, she said it was disgusting and went sleep. Sometimes we get some passionate sex which I enjoy however most of the time I just feel useless. It really bothers me as she wants to move in together but I find it very difficult to do so as she seems like she do not enjoy sex with me unless she is drunk. Can someone advice me what to do? Please and thank you Ps: She also finds touching herself weird Edited June 25, 2015 by belliar
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 You won't like it but....change girlfriend. Add a couple of kids to the mix, a couple more lbs, a mortgage, car payments, over-time and you got yourself a sexless 20 year marriage. Her lack of sexual compatibility with you will grow old pretty fast and soon you'll find yourself looking at other women wondering how it would be with them. Sex is the glue that holds everything else together. Without it you won't make it far as a couple. 8
Author belliar Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 You won't like it but....change girlfriend. Add a couple of kids to the mix, a couple more lbs, a mortgage, car payments, over-time and you got yourself a sexless 20 year marriage. Her lack of sexual compatibility with you will grow old pretty fast and soon you'll find yourself looking at other women wondering how it would be with them. Sex is the glue that holds everything else together. Without it you won't make it far as a couple. Hello, thank you for your reply, I have heard somewhere that in situations like this its is not the right girlfriend. So I'm aware of the risk. But lately she became slightly better like more passionate and i started talking more and more to her about it but is there point of keep trying? And because of that situation shall I just stay where I live then just to be secure? The bottom line before such a drastic movement, is there anything else I can do?
Gaeta Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 May I ask how old you 2 are? and what is her dating history?
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I'mma gonna try the ol' Jedi trick on you.... *Waves had weirdly, adopts vocally slow monotone* "This is not the girlfriend you are looking for...." Woooo..... There. That ought to do it. Everything else was so obvious, I thought I'd try something more subtle.... 3
Happines Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Speak to her and ask her what is the problem...me and my ex had sane issue...I started to notice that he never initiates sex and even if we would do it he would look like he is just having hardest time ever...I dope with him about it and he simply told me he never actually liked sex too much and it makes him feel uncomfortable and just ewww...I mean we ended up not having sex for nearly a year and me waiting for him to go to doctor which he never did...it honestly affected my confidence and how I feel about sexual things in general...and honestly I am very attractive I am super fun and friendly so it was definitely not issue with me So really see if y can guys fix it before thinking of moving in together because even know sex is not the most important thing in relationship it still is extremely important and it will harm you psychologicly and will simply kill the relationship over time
preraph Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I've found that reluctant people shut down most when they're being pushed out of their comfort zone and will come at you like Pepe Le Pew when you are passive about it and no pressure. Just something to try but it won't work just trying it once. You'll have to really convince her it's no big deal to you what she does or doesn't do and see if she'll take the wheel at her own pace or not. I think the crux of the problem might be, since you mentioned she thinks touching herself is weird, that she doesn't really know how to get herself off, so anyone who doesn't know that usually isn't going to be any good in bed either. If she's young, she'll probably progress but sounds to me like she needs to practice on herself alone for awhile before she's ready. 2
central Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 You are sexually incompatible because she has issues, and it's highly unlikely that it will ever get better. Don't let her move in unless this is resolved first. Better yet, I agree with others here and think you should simply move on and find someone better matched.
JJCaliGirl Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Finding a person who you are compatible with is a very important thing, but it's important to remember that we are not all wired the same way and our past experiences can (and do) affect who we are. This is very apparent when it comes to sex. As Gaeta asked, what's her relationship/sexual history like and how old is she? Was she abused by someone? You obviously see a different side of her when she's drunk because her guard has come down. Knowing that, you need to make her very comfortable (without alcohol) before foreplay and sex. Ask what makes her comfortable. Is it a shoulder rub? Certain music? Is it a bowl of ice cream? Whatever it is, you need to make her comfortable so her guard drops. Then you need to talk about what she likes in bed. Now something to know is that what she thinks she likes vs. what she actually likes may be different. With my first 2 partners, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't having as much fun as I thought I should be having. They were gentle (check), well endowed (check), and took care of me (check, well, minus the first guy who thought biting down there would turn me on). But I still did not have fun. Well, come to find out with my 3rd guy, I wasn't all that into gentle all the time! What?! Knowing that now, I know what to tell a guy to make it enjoyable for me. A few people mentioned self-pleasure. I have to agree with them on this. Had I not done this before I had sex the first time, I wouldn't have been able to tell the men what worked for me. Maybe use her hand with yours the next time you are fooling around so she can get used to it. And again, don't make it forceful otherwise it make scare her. And if she refuses to open up and talk about it, then it comes back to the compatibility thing, and you need someone, as well as her, who is sexually compatible with you.
Author belliar Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) So my girlfriend is 19 years old, she only had sex with 4 people before me and 1 longer relationship so nothing special. I'm 20 years old I had over 15-20 sexual partners before her so Im quite experienced. I'm actually in very similar situation as Happines, my girlfriend told me that she never actually enjoyed sex that much, for example she was fine not having sex for 1 year. She actually similar to you start affecting my confidence, I'm pretty good looking and experienced, I really like her but her lack of sexual interest/experience/worries really puts me off. Happines how did your relationship ended with this guy? If i can ask? I haven't had sex with her in 3 weeks and tomorrow it will be first time after that break, how effectively without annoying or upsetting her could i talk to her about this and what I can do? I already started bringing the sex topic to her whilst we texting and most of the time she says that it is not her type and what she does drunk she regrets. She also never was abusd but had terrible relationship with her dad in past, they dont talk anymore. Thank you everyone for precipitating in this conversation, it is extremely helpful. Edited June 25, 2015 by belliar
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I posted this in another thread... I feel like posting the general advice that anyone under the age of 26 really shouldn't take any kind of romantic relationship seriously, because folks under that age are still growing up and in the experimental stage. No matter how serious or intense it feels, no matter how genuine and sincere the feelings - it won't last. Or is extremely unlikely to. The heart may be willing, the hormones might rage, but the brain? Not even close.... And that's not a criticism. And this is why. That said,this girl has some serious issues and no amount of talking, suggesting, helping, coaxing, experimenting or discussing will get her to become any more sexual than she is. She is destined to either be single for good - or eventually seek therapy for her inhibitions and lack of enthusiasm. This isn't a low sex-drive. It suppression. and to comment that she is 'disgusted' by some things is extreme. I'm sorry. You are not her therapist, and until she gets one of her own, and works on this - she's damaged goods. Seriously.
Author belliar Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 I posted this in another thread... That said,this girl has some serious issues and no amount of talking, suggesting, helping, coaxing, experimenting or discussing will get her to become any more sexual than she is. She is destined to either be single for good - or eventually seek therapy for her inhibitions and lack of enthusiasm. This isn't a low sex-drive. It suppression. and to comment that she is 'disgusted' by some things is extreme. I'm sorry. You are not her therapist, and until she gets one of her own, and works on this - she's damaged goods. Seriously. Thank you your answer was very helpful. I understand that we're young and lacking of different experiences yet reason why I asked is because of an option to move in together from September which would save us both a lot of money and generally make us happier apart from the sex situation which does bother me a lot. All my previous sex partners actually enjoyed having sex, wanted and desired it she is the first one which shows the lack of them things. Is there any way in which I could break it down to her? Like make her realise that maybe she should do something but in a way in which she wont be defensive or offended by it?
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 No. To her, this is normal. Everyone else is a perv. Until she realises this issue isn't going to go away, and that every guy she meets will want to have sex at some point, it's not going to sink in as being an issue that needs dealing with. She has already been dismissive and non-communicative. Cock-rings, oral sex, self-stimulation - all disgusting. How she behaves when tipsy. She regrets. Honestly at the risk of painting her in a worse light, it's flogging a dead horse... It reminds me of those two jokes... As a man is making love to his wife, he says suddenly - "Darling, are you all right?!" "Yes", she replies, "Why...?" "Well, it's just that... you moved...." "You know sweetheart" says husband desperately trying to arouse his otherwise motionless spouse, "it would be nice if occasionally, when we had sex, you'd actually, maybe, even moan a little bit...." (Silence). Then she says - "That ceiling looks atrocious and could do with a lick of paint, you know...." Funny. But sadly, in your case, probably a taste of things to come. Honestly, I would break up with her, but advise her in all honesty, precisely why you feel you're incompatible. Because her attitude to sex and lovemaking is unhealthy, and will result in just more break-ups for her, unless she addresses the issue. Which she will probably resent and reverse to put the blame on you, because 'you think sex is the be-all and end-all and you are the one with the problem'....
Author belliar Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 No. To her, this is normal. Everyone else is a perv. Until she realises this issue isn't going to go away, and that every guy she meets will want to have sex at some point, it's not going to sink in as being an issue that needs dealing with. She has already been dismissive and non-communicative. Cock-rings, oral sex, self-stimulation - all disgusting. How she behaves when tipsy. She regrets. Honestly at the risk of painting her in a worse light, it's flogging a dead horse... It reminds me of those two jokes... As a man is making love to his wife, he says suddenly - "Darling, are you all right?!" "Yes", she replies, "Why...?" "Well, it's just that... you moved...." "You know sweetheart" says husband desperately trying to arouse his otherwise motionless spouse, "it would be nice if occasionally, when we had sex, you'd actually, maybe, even moan a little bit...." (Silence). Then she says - "That ceiling looks atrocious and could do with a lick of paint, you know...." Funny. But sadly, in your case, probably a taste of things to come. Honestly, I would break up with her, but advise her in all honesty, precisely why you feel you're incompatible. Because her attitude to sex and lovemaking is unhealthy, and will result in just more break-ups for her, unless she addresses the issue. Which she will probably resent and reverse to put the blame on you, because 'you think sex is the be-all and end-all and you are the one with the problem'.... Thank you, In this case I will try to talk to her on the weekend or monday and might use what you have said as information to her. Thank you and everyone else for help
phineas Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Hello, thank you for your reply, I have heard somewhere that in situations like this its is not the right girlfriend. So I'm aware of the risk. But lately she became slightly better like more passionate and i started talking more and more to her about it but is there point of keep trying? And because of that situation shall I just stay where I live then just to be secure? The bottom line before such a drastic movement, is there anything else I can do? She wants to move in. She knows you want more sex. So she ramps it up. Soon as she moves in she'll probably cut you off. 2
Naturebox Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 She wants to move in. She knows you want more sex. So she ramps it up. Soon as she moves in she'll probably cut you off. Yes. First post and this one got it correct, this is heading no where. Please don't be one of those people that ignores the right answers and only focuses on what they "want" to hear.
WomenWubber Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Are you really having sex with your girlfriend while she's drunk? Isn't that considered rape where you live?
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Didn't read all posts. She's either damaged goods (not looking down on abuse victims), who doesn't want to get help or she's probably asexual. You're easist option is to break up with her. She probably doesn't see a problem, so doesn't feel like she should change.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Don't be another guy who's with a woman that uses sex as a bartering tool to get what she wants. She doesn't like sex and isn't interested in it all that often, it's not a priority to her, she's just doing it for you. Leave the relationship, but don't let her know why or it's because of sex because she'll just ramp it back up to keep you and then do other things to tie you down to the relationship. Just drop off the face of the earth, don't give her a "chance" to screw with your head and mind...because women will, they never accept defeat...unless of course they're really not into you but even then it's usually a matter of pride not love. She's likely the type of woman that doesn't mind having wild or crazy sex once in a while to keep it exciting but other than that, day to day is not too interesting for her.
JJCaliGirl Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Is she religious or grew up in the church? I only ask this from personal experience and only hearing about abstinence can screw with your mind. I felt guilty early on and thought I was damaged goods. It took a bit, but you can say I'm reformed. Don't get me wrong, it still plays a part in what I do, but it only adds to my experience and a man's desire for me!
CarrieT Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 What everyone else has said: You two are sexually incompatible. And no matter how many times you talk to her, it will not change. Don't move in with her - you will regret it. Read this again: It. Will. Not. Change. She is who she is...
joseb Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 because of an option to move in together from September which would save us both a lot of money and generally make us happier apart from the sex situation which does bother me a lot. Don't move in. It's tempting to save money, but unless she addresses her sexual hangups it will just get worse. It's 10x harder to break up with someone you are living with.
guest569 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Peraph and enigma have some good tips there if you think it is salvageable. 19 is very young, couldn't expect much from that age, it sounds like she is very inexperienced and shy and doesn't quite know what to do or feel comfortable. I agree With others that it could be an incompatibility though and it needs to be sorted one way or another before considering moving in. 1
Author belliar Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 I'm going to go against the grain here a bit. I think the girl is fine, and that she is just a little young, and still not quite comfortable with you sexually. Some younger girls are just like that. The fact that she opens up when she is drinking is a good clue about who she really wants to be in the bed room. Booze isn't some insta-porn star concoction, it just lowers inhibitions. Deep down, that's how she really is sexually, but she is probably still too nervous and uncomfortable to act on those urges when she is sober. My advice is to be patient with her. If she is a great girl in every other way, work with her on this. Don't nag the crap out of her about it like some people might, because that will just make it worse. Leaving her over your sex life definitely isn't going to make her open up any more either. One last thing. If she thinks you going down on her is gross, do it one night when she has been drinking and is more open. If you are any good at it at all, she will be too busy enjoying it to think about how gross it is. Hello I appreciate all comments again, they all make sense therefore I will not move in with her however I will still try to make it work with her. enigma32, that is what I was thinking, she is not experienced, young and shy when it comes to it, but when she is drunk she is wild and crazy therefore that was my only hope, can i teach her is that actually possible in this kind of situation? But then if i think that she never actually engage sex or offered oral out of her will kinda cross my mind. I went down on her when she was drunk, and she was the first girl who actually didn't really enjoy it so she must have some issues with it.
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