EgyRose Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Hello everyone! This is my first time to write in this forum. It's just I'm in a tough situation and can't think anymore and needed your opinions. My problem is that I'm dating someone I shouldn't have dated in the first place. The reason for me to date him was that I fear men so much and please don't laugh at me. I was abused by my father and my brothers. All I can think of is when I date, I will choose someone who is very kind and listens to everything I say, regardless of anything else. I did found that man or he found me and I agreed to date him without thinking. I didn't like the way he looks, his clothes, his walk. But I ignored all this because he is very kind and will provide me with a secure life. I mean life without violence or fighting. Now I'm engaged to him and our wedding is in one month. All was ok till the day we set the wedding date. I don't know what happened to me. I couldn't sleep and kept thinking all the time. I kept saying that he is not the one and told my mom that I wanted to leave him. she asked why. I told her that I don't like how he looks, he doesn't know how to dress and I don't like going out with him. She said that he is a good person and I should marry him. I really can't think and don't know what to do. I don't feel proud of him. I keep thinking about family gathering or parties. I don't want to be with him in any of those. I don't feel like I want to introduce him to my friends. But when we are together alone at home, I feel very good and comfortable being with him. I'm really confused. I just wanted someone to be happy with, to be proud of, to show me how beautiful life is. Am I just dreaming? My fiance is a quiet person and I don't enjoy going out with him. The question is that should I marry him despite the fact that I don't like how he looks because he is a very good person?
aloneinaz Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 With what you wrote here, you know the answer to your question. You should NEVER settle for someone that you don't feel it with. You're not attracted to him. You don't like his personality. Do you think the relationship would really work/last with all that? You know you'll be miserable.. Understand that there are millions of guys out there that you would find attractive and want to marry. Be patient and keep looking. In the mean time, you may consider some therapy to address the issues as a child w/your Dad and brothers.
RJays7 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 You may end up finding a man who is much better socially and looks great, but how will he treat you? Have you heard the saying, "It's what is on the inside that counts"? You should sit down and talk with your fiance ASAP and let him know what your concerns are. If you truly aren't compatible it is best to get that out in the open before you get married. Maybe you could think about postponing your wedding to give yourselves more time to decide what you truly want. Blessings to you! RJays7
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Does your mother know you were abused by your father and brothers? Please call off the wedding. being a 'good man' is insufficient. maybe it might be difficult in your culture to call off the wedding, but you deserve to be happy, not obligated and tied to a man you love, but are not IN LOVE with. Tell him you are sorry, but you cannot marry him. You have to find the courage to end it, or you will have to endure years of misery regretting it.
Author EgyRose Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 First, I just want to thank you all for your replies. Second, I need to clear some points: the abuse wasn't only when I was a child, it continues if I say something they don't like or they are not in a good mood so I have to be very careful. I live with my family so I don't feel safe. Let's talk about my mom. Yes, she know I was/am abused and she was abused by her husband even before I was born and still she stayed with him and didn't get a divorce. Of course you can imagine how our life went. Mom is a weak person regarding relationships. All she can do is complain rather than take actions. Oh my gosh! I swear if I were a man, I would leave and they would never see me again. The last couple of months I was very sad and kept thinking to do something different to make me a little bit happier. I thought about swimming lessons. last summer I told my mom that I want to go but she said no. This summer I insisted on taking those lessons, mom brought this up in a family gathering and my cousins didn't approve the idea. I feel like I'm in a deep circle of sadness. You know both my cousins live unhappy lives and they are not happy with their marriage. That didn't give me a good idea about marriage either. I think I really need therapy but unfortunately that's not an option.
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