Kouemaha Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 In short: relationship with GF for about 2.5 years. The last year was long distance, very soon she will move in with me. A short summary about the past: In the early days when I just met her we started off as sex-budies. I didn’t particularly care about her, she was just a nice girl to have fun with, and she didn’t care particularly about me neither. I did find her a cute girl, and I never had problems being aroused with her. I was attracted, but not in the way that I would be attracted to some other girls which I found hotter than her. After half a year or so, we started going out together more, instead of just casually meeting for sex or check a movie. She started to be my best friend. Going out for dinner, going for walks, etc. I started to care for her, and accordingly I started to create feelings. I got jealous and afraid another guy would take her, and hence we agreed to try it as a couple. Over time, my attraction towards her increased compared to the early stages as described above. To rationalize, let’s say it was in the early stages 6.5/10, and it went up to 7.5/10 (the reason being her amazing personality). Today, I would say we are an amazing couple. Never have fights, awesome connection. Mutual trust, etc etc. BUT, here is the issue. I am worried I should be attracted more to her. I AM attracted to her, but not as I would be attracted to some other girls. Note that a lot has to do with the way she is presenting herself. My GF would never wear tight jeans-tight clothes, accentuating her body. She would never wear a lot of make up (just a bit), she would rarely wear high heels (only on special occasions). When she DOES present herself with more make up, special clothes, heels, etc I DO find her “very very attractive”. Moreover, sometimes I can look at her, and think that she isn’t really attractive. I don’t know if this is a normal reaction. (Sometimes I can see her and think that she is very hot as well). But it happens I don’t find her attractive in specific circumstances (no make up at all,bad lights, some pictures etc.) It is like I can’t make up my mind. Like I am not sure if she is attractive or not. Sometimes she is (when wearing bit more make up, nice clothes, etc), sometimes she is not. I am not sure if I should feel always 100% super attracted to her. I am not sure if maybe I should pick a GF which is more the “sexy” type of girl instead of the “cute” type of girl. I never have thoughts like “I want to **** you so badly”, more like “I want to hug you” (this goes hand in hand the way she presents herself, dressing up extremely sexy I would probably HAVE those “I want to **** you thoughts”) Any advice? Last important remark: I have had a very very bad experience with my ex-GF, which I was never really attracted to in the first place , and which forced me to have sex while I never could cause I was not aroused: it caused terrible drama and problems in her and my life. I am afraid I would end up the same situation again. Feels like a constant fear… THANK YOU !
GoBlue Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I have a couple observations: you seem to get involved with women you don't "really find all that attractive" a lot. Have you ever considered that you have a sex addiction problem? Sexual intimacy is very important in any marriage but it is not enough in-and-of itself to produce a great relationship. Second, there will ALWAYS be someone more attractive! You do realize that there are better looking guys than you - right? I married a woman that I almost broke-up with early in our courting because I thought I wasn't attracted enough to her. I hung in because she was a great match for me and I became more-and-more attracted to her as time went by. Looks are just that - an outward appearance - it's not the best way to determine whether a strong relationship is possible. I honestly believe you should consider talking to a counselor, mentor, or even a Pastor about your inordinate need for constant "attraction" as well as your use of sex. Are you wanting to get married some day? Do you consider this current girlfriend a candidate? I hope you know that cohabiting is not the best way to prepare for marriage. What do you consider the foundation of your life to be? If you consistently have these doubts about your girlfriend you probably should be honest with her. She will at least be able make an informed decision about whether it's good for the two of you to continue on. Hanging out with her and doing the things you do while she thinks everything is grand borders on dishonesty. I hope it all works out.
Leigh 87 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I have a couple observations: you seem to get involved with women you don't "really find all that attractive" a lot. Have you ever considered that you have a sex addiction problem? Sexual intimacy is very important in any marriage but it is not enough in-and-of itself to produce a great relationship. Second, there will ALWAYS be someone more attractive! You do realize that there are better looking guys than you - right? I married a woman that I almost broke-up with early in our courting because I thought I wasn't attracted enough to her. I hung in because she was a great match for me and I became more-and-more attracted to her as time went by. Looks are just that - an outward appearance - it's not the best way to determine whether a strong relationship is possible. I honestly believe you should consider talking to a counselor, mentor, or even a Pastor about your inordinate need for constant "attraction" as well as your use of sex. Are you wanting to get married some day? Do you consider this current girlfriend a candidate? I hope you know that cohabiting is not the best way to prepare for marriage. What do you consider the foundation of your life to be? If you consistently have these doubts about your girlfriend you probably should be honest with her. She will at least be able make an informed decision about whether it's good for the two of you to continue on. Hanging out with her and doing the things you do while she thinks everything is grand borders on dishonesty. I hope it all works out. I know a couple who were both wildly attracted to each other from the start. He feels like the luckiest man on earth. He is SUPER attracted to her. He doesn't have your thoughts. The thing is, a man knows how he feels about a woman after they first sleep together. If there is intense chemistry, attraction, sparks and the x factor, a man knows early on. It's the chemistry and spark that determine whether or not you can fall hard for a person or not. You aren't smitten, you're not head over heels and you're not crazy about her. You will never be madly in love with her. She was just a girl you settled for because she was cute enough to have sex and you love her personality. There's obviously no feeling of deep ROMANTIC inclinations present. Sure, most couples do grow into loving one another and they skip the infatuation, honeymoon period and the giddy with excitement feelings......when you have great chemistry, you become smitten and feel a strong sense of " in love " feelings. You fall hard and you are super sexually charged by them. You're welcome to settle for a 7/10 attraction and chemistry. Most people don't end up with partners who they had white hot chemistry with. Most people end up in marriage and partnerships just like the one you are in. Personally, the rare relationship I've seen where BOTH partners weren't just wildly attracted to each other AND were also compatible, are the happiest relationships. Both partners are WILDLY attracted and they never have *Thoughts* about whether or not they should be more attracted.
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 So you found a girl that was willing to like you and have sex with you, but she isn't "hot". Stop wasting her damn time and keep looking for someone you DO find attractive that clicks with you physically and emotionally.
Author Kouemaha Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 So you found a girl that was willing to like you and have sex with you, but she isn't "hot". Stop wasting her damn time and keep looking for someone you DO find attractive that clicks with you physically and emotionally. I never said i am not attracted to her. In fact, i literally said i AM attracted to her.
Author Kouemaha Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 I do not think i have any sex addiction problem. I think I do have issues concerning my past, and how it negatively reflects my current (happy!) relationship. Actually, I can have months and months without any issue, not overthinking anything, where my relationship just goes perfect and I am settling and happy with her. And then, all of a sudden I start overthinking. I can see her in a specific situation and feel that she isn’t all that pretty (in that specific moment!). My brain would recall my former relationship (this is on the unconscious level), a former relationship where I was totally NOT attracted to my GF (the girl and myself got really really hurt, and it was all my fault by not braking up very soon in the LDR). And I would be almost literally AFRAID of ending up in a same situation. And so I have a vicious circle: a moment of not being totally attracted afraid of not being attracted to my GF overthinking only focusing on the negatives etc… On the other hand I could think of a very very hot girl where the level of attraction towards her is (probably?) SO huge (because she is SO hot), and where there would be no space for all this kind of thoughts (probably?). I also do realize that I have no chance of finding such a girl (I’m far from perfect too) All being said, I also do realize that I had hotter GF’s or hotter girls I dated. In all those cases the girl either dumped me, or there was no chemistry at all, or I was chasing and being fed up of her. I have had a good amount of girls in the past, and I would always settle for a 7.5/10 and a cute girl, instead of a 10/10 and a bitch. I want to marry my GF yes, cause everything is perfect, except this. And I realize that probably 80% of the problem is my brain, and 20% the level of attractiveness which could be higher (actually: in BED, when having sex, I am totally attracted, but out of bed, in daily life, she rarely gives me the feelings of wanting sex with her, but as said before, this is more because of the way she is dressing up (not really sexy)).
GemmaUK Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 When I was with my long term relationship we lived together and we both had a rule that no sweatpants would be worn unless we were at the gym. When we were home we were always in good jeans (not ripped or scruffy/baggy/old ones) and both of us always took pride in our appearance. at any time we were dressed well enough to go out. What do you consider a 'sexy' way for her to dress and what does she currently wear day to day? What do you currently wear day to day?
Author Kouemaha Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 When I was with my long term relationship we lived together and we both had a rule that no sweatpants would be worn unless we were at the gym. When we were home we were always in good jeans (not ripped or scruffy/baggy/old ones) and both of us always took pride in our appearance. at any time we were dressed well enough to go out. What do you consider a 'sexy' way for her to dress and what does she currently wear day to day? What do you currently wear day to day? At home she usually wears her pyjama. I usually wear a short pants and a tshirt. I don’t mind for this. Being out, she usually wears ok clothes, but never the kind of clothers where any of her feminine attributes would be highlighted. For example, no short dresses, no tight jeans, ass is always covered by a longer tshirt (cause she is shy to show her ass), etc. It’s not that she is badly dressed, she is just not dressed in a way that you would see her ass/legs/boobs (she is insecure, and she shouldn’t). accordingly I don’t have many “visuals” there to be really turned on, since she is hiding all her assets.
GemmaUK Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 How much do you dress up when you go out? How often do you go out on dates that require 'dressed up'? Most couples tend to pretty much match each other's level of smart or casual.
Author Kouemaha Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 How much do you dress up when you go out? How often do you go out on dates that require 'dressed up'? Most couples tend to pretty much match each other's level of smart or casual. We both don't dress up a lot.
GemmaUK Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 We both don't dress up a lot. There's your answer then. Make more effort to go on dates to places where you both need to or have an opportunity to scrub up! Make an official 'date night' where you both make an effort.
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 This is where women make a mistake.....they keep the same look. In a guy's brain, they like to see a variety of different appearances so it's like going out with a different girl. Guys do get bored.....simple things like putting your hair up or throwing on a dress and heels once in a while does wonders.
Gary S Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Do you have any idea of how many men in relationships are nagged to death and live their lives in quiet desperation because their woman is a shrew, or hates their guts? A woman who is easy to get along with and wants to stay with you is the best kind in the world. Be thankful for what you have, don't take her for granted.
endlessabyss Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 I cringed when I read this. Seems like you are having cognitive dissonance over whether she is attractive or not lmao. She doesn't look good in certain light or pictures? She's a 6.5, now she's a 7.5? MAYNE!
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 My ex felt like this towards me. He was never infatuated with me. We started out slowly, he wasn't attracted enough to want to date me at first but over time we grew to be best friends. He was slightly attracted to me so he decided to give dating me a try. Although he didn't want to put labels on us since he didn't think I was attractive enough to tell all his mates about. I have been in your relationship.. Where the man just isn't that into the woman at first and then the guy is won over by her personality ( where the initial spark of attraction was lacking) It doesn't get better. I could tell that he lacked the passion for me that he had felt with girls prior to me. Yes there were times when he said wow you look nice today. He still didn't get butterflies or feel giddy with excitement over me at any time in our relationship. He was never enamoured with me. My cousin on the other hand, married a Mexican woman. She's very fat and not attractive. And he is SUPER attracted to her. He is SMITTEN. He cannot keep his hands off of her! He probably knows that she isn't model material. He knows there are prettier women from which he could pick from. He is infatuated with her and he is wildly attracted to her to the same extent you would be crazy over a " hot girl ". You don't necessarily need an 8/10 in order for your heart to skip a beat over a girl. It's possible to get the amazing chemistry and wild attraction for women who aren't necessarily the hottest you have ever been with. It's called chemistry. A spark if you will. The men I've been the most sexually attracted to were not the best looking makes that I've been with. I never think it's a good idea to enter into a relationship with a parter who you were kinda sorta seeing in a casual arrangement and the you just fall into liking each other. To me, it means that there wasn't all that much chemistry to begin with and she never exactly knocked your socks off. You grew into it through falling for her personality. Where as I feel it's always preferable to try and fall hard for the whole package rather than being so lukewarm to begin with and basically falling for their personality in absence of the strong honeymoon period where you're head over heels for one another.
I_Squared_R Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 You're crying because your girl don't want to get dressed up and be hot for you all the time? Some ridiculous crap on this forum. She's entitled to be comfortable being herself and not always trying to impress you. You should try giving your utmost attention to your physical appearance 24/7 then. It sounds like you have a good girl. Get over the maxim magazine girls and porn stars.
Leigh 87 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 You're crying because your girl don't want to get dressed up and be hot for you all the time? Some ridiculous crap on this forum. She's entitled to be comfortable being herself and not always trying to impress you. You should try giving your utmost attention to your physical appearance 24/7 then. It sounds like you have a good girl. Get over the maxim magazine girls and porn stars. I have seen women who weren't maxim magazine models or porn star esque who found men who felt major chemistry with them and were wildly attracted to their plain Jane in the same way these bikini models get their partner to lust over them. You don't need a stunning woman in order to feel that turned on by her. True chemistry and a spark will have that affect. This dude lacked any phenomenal chemistry or attraction hence why they were only FWB. Over time her personality won him over despite the initial paid of sparks from his end.
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