RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 My girlfriend broke up with me last December. She told me she was unhappy with me and moved out. Quite a messy break up, I did a lot of begging and pleading but then I eventually cut her out, changing my email and phone number. I had been NC for almost three months, when she got in contact with me. We ended up speaking for a few days over the phone and through Facebook messaging (she doesn't have my number) and things were going quite well. There was still some anger directed at each other, but we were quite flirty/were making each other laugh. She told me she missed me, I told her I missed her. She is with someone else, and they've been together for about six months. I am with someone else - I didn't want to be with anyone but I was tired of being on my own and wanted to try and forget about her. A rebound, if you will. I asked her if she loves this guy, and all she says is "He's very good to me. He's been very good to me". That's all she ever says about him. Her and I had a lot of arguments during our relationship, it was a pretty toxic one. I ended up telling her that I still have feelings for her and she said: "We have to realise that this is the situation we are now in, with new people in our lives that love and trust us - this is our new path" That was a couple of days ago, and now I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her so much it is all I think about. What am I supposed to do?
Author RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 I feel extremely stupid for having fallen for these breadcrumbs. I don't know why I thought she was being genuine.
Itspointless Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I am with someone else - I didn't want to be with anyone but I was tired of being on my own and wanted to try and forget about her. A rebound, if you will. Tired of being on your own ... That is a flawed reason to get into a relationship and hurting someone else. I guess you know what to do!
Author RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Tired of being on your own ... That is a flawed reason to get into a relationship and hurting someone else. I guess you know what to do! I know this. I needed a distraction, I thought I was going mad. I expect to be judged for it, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has done this
Itspointless Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I know this. I needed a distraction, I thought I was going mad. I expect to be judged for it, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has done this There are two things here, although I am a bit different I get why you do this. The unfortunate thing is that you will hurt your rebound. It really will take a while before she will be healed to try again and find someone who really loves her. The second reason is that such a bond while not make you feel less alone. It might only magnify your feelings with added guilt for the above. Some things in life we unfortunately have to sit out.
Author RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 There are two things here, although I am a bit different I get why you do this. The unfortunate thing is that you will hurt your rebound. It really will take a while before she will be healed to try again and find someone who really loves her. The second reason is that such a bond while not make you feel less alone. It might only magnify your feelings with added guilt for the above. Some things in life we unfortunately have to sit out. That's exactly what this has done. All I want is my ex. But she's with someone else.
Itspointless Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 That's exactly what this has done. All I want is my ex. But she's with someone else. I understand. Some things unfortunately are just out of our control. Nobody is going to give us a medal for it, but we need to try to find ways to coop with life without hurting others. Life can be very challenging sometimes. I am sure you are better than this.
Author RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 I understand. Some things unfortunately are just out of our control. Nobody is going to give us a medal for it, but we need to try to find ways to coop with life without hurting others. Life can be very challenging sometimes. It can be highly challenging, I've definitely learnt that. I guess it's just about taking one day at a time.
Itspointless Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 It can be highly challenging, I've definitely learnt that. I guess it's just about taking one day at a time. It is. And be honest to your girlfriend. You can tell that you are really sorry and feel like crap about it, but do not expect that she emphasizes with you. You can do this! 1
Bradt Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Im kinda going through the same at the moment.Im not over my ex-gf and might hook up with another girl on Saturday.(i will still post on that). My opinion is if it did not work the first time or 2nd ..3rd.. how are you sure it will work with your ex this time?Just think for a second.Your relationship were toxic.Remember all that bad arguements,so imagine having to go through double the drama.You guys still havnt made peace with what happened before you broke up.So guess what,you are going to argue about it all from over.Toxic means you will say things to hurt each other.Reallity is you will tell her you were happier with the girl you are with now and she will tell you she were treated better by the guy she is with now.Even if you both don't mean it.It might just end up in another break up and pain all from over.This is just my opinion. Just be sure before you actually go through with it 1
Itspointless Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Just to be sure, in my latest post I meant his current girlfriend.
mightycpa Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 OP, I'd suggest that you ditch the "one girlfriend" mindset, and start dating around instead. This has many benefits: You won't lead someone down the path of false hopeIt's funYour physical needs will be metYou can date without looking for a LTR or looking for love; ie, you can date for distraction onlyYou can process your emotions for the ex without having to deal with exaggerating your feelings for someone new (or hiding the lack thereof), because this retards your healingYou'll learn a lot more about women and how to keep them happyYour ego will get a huge boostYou'll learn faster about what you really like and don't like in womenYou'll be able to become more choosy about who you get deeply involved withANDYour chances of meeting somebody who is genuinely compatible for a LTR will increase dramatically 2
Author RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 OP, I'd suggest that you ditch the "one girlfriend" mindset, and start dating around instead. This has many benefits: You won't lead someone down the path of false hopeIt's funYour physical needs will be metYou can date without looking for a LTR or looking for love; ie, you can date for distraction onlyYou can process your emotions for the ex without having to deal with exaggerating your feelings for someone new (or hiding the lack thereof), because this retards your healingYou'll learn a lot more about women and how to keep them happyYour ego will get a huge boostYou'll learn faster about what you really like and don't like in womenYou'll be able to become more choosy about who you get deeply involved withANDYour chances of meeting somebody who is genuinely compatible for a LTR will increase dramatically I have thought about doing this, and it suits my current mindset much better. Less commitment, less expectations on my behalf. I'm just not interested in being in a full time relationship, right now.
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 "We have to realise that this is the situation we are now in, with new people in our lives that love and trust us - this is our new path" And with that statement alone should set off bells telling you that it's time to move on, because she is with this other guy. Go back into NC and stay there. She's made her choice. Now it's time for you to give her exactly what she's asking for, you out of her life. 1
GoBlue Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I asked her if she loves this guy, and all she says is "He's very good to me. He's been very good to me". That's all she ever says about him. Her and I had a lot of arguments during our relationship, it was a pretty toxic one. Two things: First of all, if your relationship was "a pretty toxic one" why are you entertaining thoughts of returning to it in the first place? Do you really believe that the basic character of both of you has changed in such a way that your relationship would be different? Secondly, how would you want your partner to respond if you were in a relationship with her and you knew an ex was trying to communicate with her? Why would you want to get together with someone who is doing one thing with her left hand while trying to do something else with her right? People that are willing to cheat usually keep that trait when they move onto the next person. There is a big difference between love and loneliness, infatuation and true concern. Hope it works out well. 1
quattrob Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I know this. I needed a distraction, I thought I was going mad. I expect to be judged for it, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has done this No offence Ryan but just because others have done what you did, that doesn't mean that you should or make you feel better about it that you're not the only one. Your life is made up of choices you make in life. You only can blame yourself for putting yourself in the position you're in. It is really foolish and selfish of you to do that to another person, using them because of your own selfishness and insecurities. You don't deserve to be with anyone, at least not right now. You should learn to be mature and learn to be happy with yourself/alone before you consider being with anyone. I may sound like I am judging you but really you know it's the truth and the quicker you can accept it and do what must be done, the better it is for you. 1
Author RyanSavage Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Two things: First of all, if your relationship was "a pretty toxic one" why are you entertaining thoughts of returning to it in the first place? Do you really believe that the basic character of both of you has changed in such a way that your relationship would be different? Secondly, how would you want your partner to respond if you were in a relationship with her and you knew an ex was trying to communicate with her? Why would you want to get together with someone who is doing one thing with her left hand while trying to do something else with her right? People that are willing to cheat usually keep that trait when they move onto the next person. There is a big difference between love and loneliness, infatuation and true concern. Hope it works out well. I have no idea why I want to return to the relationship. I think I crave the familiarity of it, and the dynamic of it. The dynamic with me and my current girlfriend is different, and new. I'm not used to it. So that could be a reason. I know from talking to her (my ex) that she hasn't changed - her core character hasn't changed. She was still blaming me for things, and not accepting much responsibility for what she contributed to the relationship's problems. So I don't know why I think I want to be with her.
dumbass2 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 You have feelings of wanting to get back with your ex, for whatever reason. Now you really should break up with your current girlfriend. Do it in person and be as honest as you can, but it should be done sooner rather than later. It is not fair to her. Don't do it in a way that may string her a along and give her hope. You probably need some time off for a bit from dating. You can say you will just date, but if you do, you should be very up front with the person and let them know what you are looking for and that is not to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship for a while. 1
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