BruisedShins Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) I’m 19 and my girlfriend is 20 and we’ve been going out for18 months. She’s recently undertaken a part-time internship at a music venueand also does part time bar work at the same place. Due to the nature of both jobs,she’s drinking a lot more, drinking in itself I don’t have a problem with butshe can’t just have a few casual drinks and will always end up really drunk andusually end up being an emotional mess. Although the drinking isn’t the mainconcern of this post, it is a contributing factor at times and something thatcould get out of hand, if it isn’t already. The following part is a recollectionof what she told me via snapchat, where the messages don’t save, at about 3amand what she told me when we spoke about the night About 3 weeks ago she went to this promotional party as partof the music internship and got really drunk. She was talking to this guy, whowas interested in her but she told him she had a boyfriend, but then agreed togo out for a drink with him the following week as a friend-although she claimedto have no recollection of this when we spoke about the night later. She alsowent to the toilet with this guy-she said because there was a long queue andsaving a cubicle would save time but she said that they both turned aroundwhile the other used the toilet and she had a picture of him on her snapchatstory saying he was cute. When the party finished, a co-worker said she couldcrash at his house, which was on top of the music venue and they got a cab backto his house. The guy then starting making moves on her, to which my girlfriendonce again said she had a boyfriend but did agree to sleep in the same bed ashim and at one point pulled up her thong to prove she was wearing one after theguy had asked what underwear she was wearing, the guy continued making moves onher while they were in bed and they just spoke in bed until the early hours.She snapchatted me telling me most of this when the guy left to go to thetoilet at one point saying that she wanted to be honest with me but insistednothing happened. When we spoke about it, she said that she was angry with theco-worker who she felt she could trust and didn’t think he was interested inher. Needless to say, I felt put out by this behaviour and she was veryapologetic and was crying when we were talking about how bad she felt (victimbehaviour?). But I did forgive her and she thanked me for being sounderstanding. A few weeks after that I had an exam as part of myapprenticeship where I work full-time and gain a qualification alongsideworking, so I’m quite busy and we usually spend weekends with each other and seeeach other maybe one weeknight, but this has become less since she is mainlyworking nights with the bar work. For my exam I took a week off work to study,as this was an exam I was re-sitting as I had failed before. I wanted hersupport for this exam, but she kept saying I should be seeing her, I told her Iwant to see her but this is something I have to do and that I pay for mostthings when we go out, so she should at least support me when I havecommitments in earning that money, as if the exam itself isn’t hard enough. Shesaid that I always make a big deal over things, the same way I made a big dealabout the night mentioned earlier-which felt like a massive slap in the face asI thought 1) I didn’t make a big deal of it at all and forgave her and 2) Hersaying it’s not a big deal suggests that she didn’t actually think what she didwas wrong? I saw her once that week for a few hours before she was going towork, we got on okay and she said she’d take me out to dinner after my exam The dinner. She was out in town with her friend during theday and 15 minutes before we were meant to meet I got a call saying she wasstill in town and would call me when she was close and to meet at the restaurant.Soon after that I got a text saying she had no money and asked if I could paytonight and she would another time, I said that was okay as well. But the moreI thought about it, the more annoyed Iwas, to be late and to have spent your money in town knowing you’d agreed topay for something made me think she didn’t care about meeting up tonight. Itwas my birthday coming up on the Saturday and a few days before she asked me ifI was doing anything and if she should take the time off work to see me, birthdayshave never really been a big deal for me and I had no plans, so I said we couldmeet for lunch before she goes to work. She asked once again about my birthday andI said I was now meeting my cousin, who she doesn’t like, on the Friday night,which she is also working, as he has just come back home from University. Shetook offence to this and stopped holing my hand and said I was choosing himover her by seeing him and not her, even though we were meeting for lunch on myactual birthday and me and my cousin were mainly meeting up because he was backhome. She asked what we were doing and I told her we were going to a pub, to whichshe insisted I go to the place she works, which I declined as she really doesn’tlike my cousin and I didn’t want any (more) drama, she said she didn’t care andwanted to see me and that I should make the effort because I hardly saw herwhile I was studying. This lead to me telling her I was put out by her latenessand now inability to pay, she told me she wasn’t late because she told mebefore we were meant to meet and that she had no money because she spent it onmy present and that I’m so rude. I told her that she still knew she had agreedto pay, but it’s don’t worry about it and I’ll pay then I asked if she couldsee where I was coming from and she no. I told her she’s an idiot, which was abit harsh looking back. She said all I care about is money, which is untrue,just because I don’t buy her all the superficial material things she wants shethinks I’m tight, which I’m not-just careful which money I have worked hard toearn and don’t want to throw away. She then went outside to call her mum totransfer money into her account so she could pay, which I thought was childish,excessive and just wanted to prove a point and make me look bad. We then agreedto try and make the night work and the rest of the night was okay until theend. We both live at home and chances for sex are minimal, we used to do itlate at night but her parents would be home, but she said she didn’t want to doit when people are home anymore and mentioned still feeling the same way whenin the restaurant. We got home about 10pm and I had work the next day for thefirst time in over a week after my exam, she asked me to come and I said Icouldn’t as I had work the next day, she then said we could have sex, I feltlike this was just said to get me back to hers after what she said earlier, so Itold her I didn’t want to be tired for my first day back, she saw this as merejecting her and the rest of the way walking her home was spent without sayinga word, walking about 3 steps in front of me and entering her house without sayingbye or even looking at me The next day. Called me up at 1am after work and very drunkand broke up with me over the phone, I asked to speak about this when’s shesober and she refused. She called again the next night saying that she didn’tmean what she said and that she was drunk and we are going to meet up tonight Should I continue with this relationship, having spent aboutan hour writing this, I feel like I may know the answer. Edited June 25, 2015 by BruisedShins
kendahke Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 She has a severe drinking problem. She drinks til she blacks out and doesn't know what she's done. I dare say she's a full blown alcoholic and should not be around booze or people who drink to excess. Do you want to deal with a drunk? Staying with her is going to turn you into an enabler because having a drink is more important to her than you are and you're trying to compete with booze. Her behavior is bearing that out. If she doesn't remember one thing, how does she remember another? Chances are, she did have sex because the booze told her it was ok for her to do it. Personally, I wouldn't be bothered. I've had one experience with a drunk and it was very recently and we ended things because I refused to enable him and I refused to live in fear of him being 3 sheets to the wind whenever I called him. I refuse to live my life like that, especially at my age. 1
Keenly Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Any woman that climbs into another man's bed, goes to the bathroom with another man, or anything of the sort is low quality material and it sound smile this woman is more than capable of the "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse. She's going to cheat on you one day. Nothing more unattractive than a person with zero self control. 2
losangelena Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 OP, if you agree to stay, be prepared for more of the same behavior. You being there is not enough to make her stop.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Flip a coin. Heads you break up with her. Tails you stay together. Keep flipping until you get heads. Then break up with her.
caringsister Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 This is good as it gets with her. Which is not very good at all. She has no boundaries when it comes to hanging with other guys and puts herself in situations that are totally inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship. She sounds to me like she is an alcoholic and unless she realizes that herself and wants help she will continue to drink and end up doing things she may not have done when she is sober. However, alcohol is no excuse. Plenty of people can get intoxicated and still maintain the boundaries those who can't I feel the alcohol exacerbates a flaw that was already there. I think you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and that you are goal oriented where she sounds more lax and party oriented. Personally if you stay with her you are going to continue to be distracted by her drunken antics. Besides that she sounds a bit controling. I'd say cut the ties now and begin to heal. There is a great girl out there for you. A girl who would support the time you needed to study and gladly do fun stuff for your bday and here it comes ... the big one ... a girl who at the end of the night wouldn't end up in bed with any other man than you. I think you already know the answer to your own question. 1
darkmoon Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) getting into bed with a platonic freind? she sounds v naive to think he wanted just sleep blaming him and also calling her mom to transfer money spell spoilt brat, when her world goes wrong, she does not fix it for herself, so when you want to be careful with money, you are tight, you are to be blamed like the guy, and then you tell how she swanned into the house, her back to you she is one big screaming overgrown kid Edited June 25, 2015 by darkmoon
Lansing Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 You are asking the wrong question. It should be "should I stay or go"... Why are you asking if SHE should stay or go? And, the answer is, you should leave... You can do better than this. If you stick around it is just because you lack the confidence in knowing that you can do better... and, trust me, you can. Maybe not today or tomorrow but keep working on yourself and you will attract someone better than this.
GoBlue Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 There are definite "Red Flags" that should not be ignored. Chief among them in my mind (other than her obvious drinking problem) is blame-shifting. You walk into a bathroom with another guy and think it's no big deal - fine, but then to snapchat that she thinks he is "cute." Really? Get to another guy's house who puts the "moves" on you and yet she gets in the same bed with him anyway. Shows him her thong! And then acts like she is mad at him because she "thought she could trust him." Top that off with getting mad at you because she thinks it isn't a "big deal" anyway. She is a pro at trying to make you feel guilty for behavior that she thinks is ok but most everyone else finds stunning. She has problems understanding what a boundary is. If you stay with her I hope you're not the jealous type. 1
kendahke Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Any woman that climbs into another man's bed, goes to the bathroom with another man, or anything of the sort is low quality material . ^^this right here.
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