When do you ask ethnic background of someone you're dating?

[Emilia]

Generally speaking, me too, but that doesn't necessitate having this burning need to put a definitive racial label on someone. And you can be interested in learning about people's backgrounds while understanding that some people don't want to talk about it very much and that they have a right not to indulge your curiosity. Especially in parts of the immigrant community in the US, some people want to break ties with their past history and would rather be viewed as Americans, and it gets old to be constantly reminded that you're an outsider and different and, hey, let's talk about all the ways in which you don't belong and in which you're different from us.

 

I personally don't mind talking about this stuff but I can understand why others either might not want to or just wouldn't care enough to even know in the first place. My mother, for instance, has no idea where her grandparents were born except for a vague idea that it was probably Northern and Southern Italy, and no one knows a single thing about any generation further back than that one. Same story on my dad's side. No one knows and no one cared to ask, and everyone just assumes that everyone else was born in the same area. Definitely not inconceivable to me that someone wouldn't know that much about their background in the first place, and the chances of that are increased if anyone in the family was ever adopted.

 

I went through this as an Eastern European as I came to the UK about 10 years before EU borders opened. It gets old fast. Like you said, a place is your home and you don't want to be constantly reminded that you are different. People open up eventually anyway.

[loveweary11]

She already answered your question.

 

She is uncomfortable about it because she doesn't know her race and the question brothers her.

 

So drop it.

 

 

I was just wondering. There's this girl I'm dating. She doesn't really look white to me. Once I even volunteered my ethnic background saying my great great grandpa was from Bradford. She just said she hardly knows her ethnic background. She is distant from her family they live in another state and as far as I know she's estranged from her family. She also says she doesn't believe in things like that a lot. Like with sexuality gender identity and racial or cultural identity. Her last name is pretty common. It just is kind of odd sometimes trying to describe her because it's hard to place her. She's mentioned her last name is French derived despite it sounding English. Well anyhow this is kind of bothering not that it would change anything I like her a lot and it's been going good. It's just we've been going out long enough I should know what race she is. Advice?

[scorpiogirl]

It's not semantics. There are 7 official languages in South Africa, it's a very diverse country. I can't imagine they care for neat little boxes so that Westerners could form some stereotypes.

 

Quite right, we don't fit in a box haha.

Except there are 11 official languages and hundreds actually spoken. Our national anthem has 4 languages.

 

So back to the original question, there could be any number of reasons she doesn't speak of her background and, given this discussion you can see it's not always a bad reason.

 

Your insistence in pursuing it would bother me if I were her as she probably feels she's answered sufficiently.

[Emilia]

Quite right, we don't fit in a box haha.

Except there are 11 official languages and hundreds actually spoken. Our national anthem has 4 languages.

 

Ah even more official languages than I remembered. The thing is everyone thinks Africans are the same and you have ebola of course never mind that London is closer to Freetown than for example Johannesburg is.

[sweetjasmine]

She already answered your question.

 

She is uncomfortable about it because she doesn't know her race and the question brothers her.

 

So drop it.

 

Oh, I missed the line about her being estranged from her family. Makes even more sense, honestly.

 

One of my good friends was born in Belarus but grew up speaking Russian the first few years of her life. She's thoroughly American culturally, a mix of the two regions she's lived in. The reason she distanced herself from her parents' culture is because her dad was a POS, and this was her way of breaking away from her estranged father. She still talks about Russian and East Slavic stuff sometimes and has chatted with me in Russian, but being reminded of her family background often upsets her and brings back a flood of sh-tty memories of her a-hole dad. I had known her for well over a year before she ever actually said she was born in Belarus and not in the US, even though the opportunity to say "me too!" had come up a bunch of times when I'd referenced my own immigration story. She just didn't like talking about it, period.

 

So, yeah, there could be a lot more going on, here, and pressuring her on the point might create an even bigger problem.

[Gaeta]

Cultural background and race are different.

 

Culturally, this girl is from freaking Michigan, not the moon, and her family has been in America for a long time.

 

It's always amazing to me when people feel uncomfortable that they can't officially and clearly categorize someone's race. What does it matter? For many of us, the lines are quite blurred, and we don't really care to make a definitive statement either way. And, yeah, it's insulting to be asked "what" you are or where you're from, as if the shade of your skin means you MUST be some outsider from some other country and as if people who look exactly like you can't possibly be from anywhere else. It's incredibly tiresome.

 

America is not a race and it's not even a culture. If you want to forget about your roots it's your business but it's not because some of us put importance in their heritage that makes us racist. I am French Canadian and I would never ever be able to part with my culture and language because I have been in Canadian territory for 400 years. I am proud of it and it defines who I am. I mostly date Foreigners and I take a lot of interest in learning about their race-culture-heritage. I find it passionate. My friends are from all background and I get a kick when they take me in their family and I get to experience their food and their rituals. Asking about someone's background is not always about putting a label on them.

[loveweary11]

America is not a race and it's not even a culture. If you want to forget about your roots it's your business but it's not because some of us put importance in their heritage that makes us racist. I am French Canadian and I would never ever be able to part with my culture and language because I have been in Canadian territory for 400 years. I am proud of it and it defines who I am. I mostly date Foreigners and I take a lot of interest in learning about their race-culture-heritage. I find it passionate. My friends are from all background and I get a kick when they take me in their family and I get to experience their food and their rituals. Asking about someone's background is not always about putting a label on them.

 

You folks have a pretty strong sense of pride and culture. Being from the northeast USA, many of my neighbors were French Canadians.. who left. A lot of our tourists were French Canadian.

 

I come to FL thinking i can escape. No! FL is loaded with French Canadians in the winter. :lmao:

 

Absolutely love your city. It's the closest thing to Europe in North America. Fantastic culture. I can see why you are proud.

 

You also produced one of my favorite DJ/Producer duos... Adventure Club!

[Emilia]

America is not a race and it's not even a culture. If you want to forget about your roots it's your business but it's not because some of us put importance in their heritage that makes us racist. I am French Canadian and I would never ever be able to part with my culture and language because I have been in Canadian territory for 400 years. I am proud of it and it defines who I am. I mostly date Foreigners and I take a lot of interest in learning about their race-culture-heritage. I find it passionate. My friends are from all background and I get a kick when they take me in their family and I get to experience their food and their rituals. Asking about someone's background is not always about putting a label on them.

 

But not everyone sees it that way. The only thing some people ask is not to be bugged and to be allowed not to talk about it. Dominant ethnicities can be very inconsiderate.

[kendahke]

I thought of that mainly because she has a typical name like Jones. But she indicated it was a French last name. As far as I know black americans have English last names not French normally.

 

No. If they're from Louisiana or from states included in the Louisiana Purchase, they'll have French last names for the most part.

 

Plus that's mainly because her lip size.

 

Explain Mick Jagger or Angelina Jolie.

 

I only felt kind of weird because one of my friends asked what she was. And I have no idea. But to say she mentioned she had French ancestry. I kind of was made to feel like I didn't know anything about her.

 

I'd be wondering why my friend was so pressed to know the pedigree of someone they're not dating to the point where they made you feel uncomfortable about it. As long as she's not closely related to you, what is the problem?

[cessna]

People are so quick to shout about how 'we're all humans, we're all the same!!!'... Well we're just not. We are all humans, yes. But people from different places look different, may act differently, have different cultures and traditions. To ignore that is foolish.

 

I'm born to an eastern European immigrant and proud of it, if anyone asks me what my background is they are welcome to know.

 

It's not about 'labelling people' it's about realising that actually we do have differences. The PC brigade will never admit that though and just yell racist...

[Emilia]

People are so quick to shout about how 'we're all humans, we're all the same!!!'... Well we're just not. We are all humans, yes. But people from different places look different, may act differently, have different cultures and traditions. To ignore that is foolish.

 

I'm born to an eastern European immigrant and proud of it, if anyone asks me what my background is they are welcome to know.

 

It's not about 'labelling people' it's about realising that actually we do have differences. The PC brigade will never admit that though and just yell racist...

 

yeah, this illustrates precisely why so many people don't want this sort of conversation. It's exhausting to deal with ignorance.

[cessna]

So we're all exactly the same then are we?

 

I'm guessing you're the type that calls anyone who dares talk about immigration controls a racist too.

[stillafool]

OP, just ask your gf which box she checks when asked "Race" on a form. My goodness what is the big deal with embracing your race? People should be proud of who they are. I have light brown skin and green eyes so people ask me all the time what I am and I proudly tell them I am Black. They ask are both of my parents Black and I tell them yes. I don't get insulted.

[cessna]

I remember when I was younger working in a sports shop I'd have people ask me where they could find the mens shoes. I'd tell them downstairs on the ground floor. They'd tell me that they couldn't see anyone serving so I told them to look for the black guy who was working on that department.

 

The look some people gave me when I said black guy was priceless.

 

I should really have said the guy who isn't white or Hispanic or Arab or Chinese or Indian. The other one with sort of frizzy hair and dark eyes. See that guy.

 

I mean, come on! The guy was black, that was his most prominent physical feature being in a European country.

[oberkeat]

I wouldn't call it racist so much as ignorant. If someone has dark skin you feel compelled to ask where they are from? I dont know, I'm from a very multicultural place so the locals all have different heritages. For that reason..It can be a quite rude question where I am from.

 

In the African American community, it's not considered rude to ask those types of questions, because in cases where someone is born from a mixed race relationship, it can be quite difficult to tell what that person's ethnicity is. It's not uncommon for someone to have all the physical features of a white person but still identify as black because one or more of their parents is black. Mariah Carey is a good example.

 

The only thing that might bother me in OP's situation is if this girl is going out of her way to hide her heritage. That would be sad.

Edited June 25, 2015 by oberkeat

[cessna]

oberkeat, I think white people, particularly here in the UK are terrified to speak of colour or race in anyway because political correctness has run riot. All the people I know of 'non-white' backgrounds are much more open to talking about race and colour.

 

My best mate was Indian and we'd both laugh at each others differences and mock each other in a good natured way. The only people who were seemingly offended were white people and there is nothing much I hate more than people taking offence on behalf of others.

 

I agree it would be sad if someone were trying to hide their ethnic background, you should be proud of your background.

 

I love the fact that we are all different, we look different and act differently. It makes the world a much more interesting place. Don't tell the loony lefties though... they think we're all the same remember.

[Timshel]

I am adopted but know my ethnicity. I have an olive complexion and am frequently asked because I suppose it is not readily apparent. People do approach me with Spanish quite a bit.

 

So, Greek and German and when asked by strangers or people I don't know well, I keep it simple. I say Greek because my coloring does not scream German and short answer to random question.

 

This ensues.....the Greek Orthodox church downtown is beautiful...how is your religion different from Catholicism? I love Moussaka, how do you make it?

 

I was raised by Irish/Russian parents, Methodist and meatloaf, sausage, boiled dinner and spaghetti were most often served. I personally have never had Moussaka.

 

I think your gf does not want to discuss her ethnicity for personal reasons. That said, in an intimate relationship she may feel safe over time to open up.

This may be a point of contention for her, so tread lightly but the question is of value if only to deepen trust and intimacy with her.

[blueskyday]

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. She either doesn't know her heritage or she doesn't want to divulge.

 

It's not racist to want to know someone's ethnic lineage. It's normal to want to know. I think she isn't being very communicative. Personally, it would turn me off just based on the fact that it seems she is shutting the discussion down. Just say "I don't know," or tell him what she is.

 

People always ask me what country my ancestors are from. I have fair skin, natural rosy cheeks and lips, dark hair and sky blue eyes. I hear "are you Russian, Italian, Swedish, Irish, what combination? I don't take offense. I'm a mix, like most people. No biggie. No reason to clam up. People are beautiful, but secrets aren't, if that's what's going on with the OP's girlfriend. Completely normal for him to want to know about her! It doesn't mean it matters to him. He just wants to know her.

[guest569]

It's not uncommon for someone to have all the physical features of a white person but still identify as black because one or more of their parents is black. Mariah Carey is a good example.

 

Myself, for another example.

 

 

oberkeat, I think white people, particularly here in the UK are terrified to speak of colour or race in anyway because political correctness has run riot. All the people I know of 'non-white' backgrounds are much more open to talking about race and colour.

 

My best mate was Indian and we'd both laugh at each others differences and mock each other in a good natured way. The only people who were seemingly offended were white people and there is nothing much I hate more than people taking offence on behalf of others.

 

I agree it would be sad if someone were trying to hide their ethnic background, you should be proud of your background.

 

You don't need to explain diversity to me. I am fascinated by my background (a variety of skin tones there) and have spent years researching my family tree. I just feel quite strongly that people should stop being obsessed with skin tone and dont label anyone with dark skin as foreign.

[Simgleandyoung23]

1. saying that your grand grandpa is from Bradford isn't giving his ethnic background.
   
2. there's no such thing as a middle eastern latina. if she's from the middle east she's probably arab, kurd or armenian.
   
3. over the centuries many times middle easterners settled all over southern Europe. it's perfectly possible to have a french last name and look "middle eastern".
   
4. only dna test, in connection with church records or a family tree can give accurate information on ancestry and origin
   
5. race and ethnicity (the way this term is commonly used) are not reflected in genetics. you could be white and genetically closer to a black person than to certain other white persons.
   

 

 

I meant Latina or Middle eastern. That's what I thought she was originally.

 

 

 

 

She talked a lot about her family and gave a lot of information. For one she mentioned her surname is actually French Creole. And that her great grandpa was Louisiana creole. But Don't know about any oother heritage he may have. She explained Louisiana Creole people may or may not be mixed. And that her grandmother who is half creole married a Latino from The Dominican Republic. But that wasn't her dad's dad. And her dad's dad had family in Michigan a long time and had a generally common last name. And ethnic background is unknown on both her grandfather and great grandmother's side. And that her mom's family are pretty unknown. She knows a lot about them though. Just not really the ethnic background. No ties to any exact country of origin. But she said her great grandpa through her maternal grandma claimed to have mother who was half Cherokee. And her great grandpa through her maternal grandma said he was half Irish. And she indicated that the family name was Portuguese. She also said her family has been in America for probably over 200 years.

[petsrule]

I don't ask where people are from simply because it doesn't bother me. They could be from Saturn and I still wouldn't ask because as I said it makes no difference to me.

[Simgleandyoung23]

When you ask someone their ethnicity you are wanting to know what are their parents not their whole ancestry tree. It's normal to know what your parents are. Usually parents talk to their children about their culture and their home country.

 

If I were a young woman looking for a husband and father of my children I would like my man to know what he's made of because I'd want my children to know they are partly something-something and I'd want them to know their heritage and learn about their culture.

 

My step daughter is 50-50 whitefrench-navive. She had children with an african man so her children are 25-25-50 french-native-black. Her children know and celebrate their 3 heritages.

 

It's not a matter of race, it's a matter of what culture you identify yourself to. It's also a matter of knowing who you are. People are usually proud of their ancestry. Even Tiger Woods knows about his 6 different heritage. It was shared to him by his parents and grand parents. Someone that would tell me I don't know what I am I would wonder in what kind of household they grew up. They never heard their parents talk about their origin? never heard them talk about their childhood and grand parents? Just weird.

her culture seems to just be American culturally. She doesn't apparently have a home country. I kind of find that cool

[Simgleandyoung23]

Instead of saying "race" or "ethnicity," don't limit it to that and just ask her her lineage, which isn't just black, white or brown but German, Italian, Brazilian, etc.

I did she sincerely does not know what exact country of origin. She has only mentioned she has French descent for sure and may have Portuguese Irish and Cherokee descent and might have some ties to some African country origin or native tribes but does not know.

[blueskyday]

Well, there you go. That's a lot of information. Sounds like all she knows.

 

Now you can move on. Enjoy and appreciate each other!

[Simgleandyoung23]

Cultural background and race are different.

 

Culturally, this girl is from freaking Michigan, not the moon, and her family has been in America for a long time.

 

It's always amazing to me when people feel uncomfortable that they can't officially and clearly categorize someone's race. What does it matter? For many of us, the lines are quite blurred, and we don't really care to make a definitive statement either way. And, yeah, it's insulting to be asked "what" you are or where you're from, as if the shade of your skin means you MUST be some outsider from some other country and as if people who look exactly like you can't possibly be from anywhere else. It's incredibly tiresome.

Her family isn't mainly from Michigan. She has family in Chicago and new jersey and Kentucky but no family in the deep south except her dad's side being from Louisiana.

 

 

yeah that's how she sees it as well. She thinks the American identity has no racial connection. To me I think it does. It's kind of obvious people have different family history depending on their race. From her family history though it does sound like her family is white American. For one because her mother's family were middle to upper class in the 20's and the like. In fact her grandfather's family had a lot of land and the like.