lady5859 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I need your help.... I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We have lived together for three years now and split rent/bills 50/50. The problem is I have not dated or lived with anyone else so I'm not sure what "normal" is. That is where I need your advice! My boyfriend literally lives in a spare room to which I call his man cave. Since we moved in together we sleep in the same bedroom at night, but once he wakes up he gets dressed there, comes home from work to it, and spends his evenings and weekends either outside in the hot sun doing yard work or inside the man cave. Meanwhile, I have the entire house to live in and if I want to see him I have to join him inside the spare room. I have had many a discussion on how I need him to join me in the family room/sit with me on the couch/be present in the house. He tells me he is uncomfortable with not being in the man cave (I only allow him to smoke in the man cave with window fans so I'm not sure if this has something to do with it). I find this strange and not sure if I should look at it as a good thing as I can watch my own TV shows, talk on the phone, and no one bothers me. Or is it a bad thing as I feel alone, feel unwanted, and resent him. His brother lives the same way at his house with his girlfriend but his girlfriend doesn't mind as she stays with him in the spare room at any given time. I refuse to live in a spare bedroom with couches and a tv when I have a whole house to live in. I am worried if we get married and have children then he will not be present in their lives and never leave the room still. How much space between each other is too much when living together? I can't demand him to be present with me in other areas in the house when he feels uncomfortable there right? Often, he will complain he is bored living with me and needs to socialize more. I tell him you alienate yourself by banishing yourself to the spare room. Then he ends up cleaning outside or going upstairs (we live in a duplex) to our friend's apartment. Why do you think he will not leave this room other than to cook, use the bathroom, or go to sleep? We are still intimate enough that it doesn't feel like a roommate situation. But do I deserve better or let him have his space and join him for a couple hours after work there? I really love him and he is a hard worker, but I find this strange and need some insight into what other relationships are like living together. Thanks
Mr Carson Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 What you see is what you're going to get, if this is the man he is you're not going to change him. You have to decide if you can live with it. For me the smoking thing would kill it, that's up to you. Do you want a man that is content living separate lives? 5
deathandtaxes Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 This isn't normal. I think his being uncomfortable in other rooms is a smokescreen (pun intended!) for him not wanting to spend time with you. He knows you won't spend time in the room so he stays there or outside doing work. That's one possibility. Have you told him point blank that him spending time by himself makes you feel unwanted and alone? That is causes you to resent him? 4
MJJean Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) I'd guess the smoking has a lot to do with it. For smokers, the act of smoking is relaxing. Smokers don't feel very relaxed in places where they cannot smoke. He probably sees the rest of the house as rooms he has to be on his best behavior in and his man cave as the room he can truly relax in. As for yard work, a lot of people find doing yard work to be very rewarding. They take pride in the appearance of their home and they find something zen like about tending to the house and yard. Not to mention he can also smoke outside without getting in trouble with you. If you want to connect, you might have to compromise about where he can smoke or about how much time you spend with him in the man cave and yard. Edited June 25, 2015 by MJJean 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 A person in love with someone craves their lover's attention & touch. You want (almost need) to be with them: Every. Second. Of. The. Day. He's not in love with you. If you want a real relationship with intimacy & passion, you have to end it & find someone else. Sorry but true, IMO. 3
misspond Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 My LT relationship was a bit like this. He had his man-cave/worked outside on projects in the garden from the outset and led a pretty much separate social life to me both before and after our first child was born. Personally I thought I could cope with living this way as I had chosen him as my partner and knew that he liked to do his own thing. But - the reality was I felt unloved, unaffirmed, unwanted and desperately unhappy. I tried to explain how I felt and to negotiate some kind of compromise where we could spend some time together but it got harder and harder to always have to go and seek him out for company rather than have him come to me occasionally or even to socially and romantically share the space and life we inhabited "together". So I guess, "normal is as normal does", but if it makes you unhappy you should consider that he's unlikely to change and neither are you. 2
Arieswoman Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Lady5859, I think the question shouldn't be "is it normal?" but "is this what makes me happy?" Sadly, he is unlikely to change after all this time. So you will have to decide whether or not you can tolerate this. Good luck x
understand50 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Lady5859, I think the question shouldn't be "is it normal?" but "is this what makes me happy?" Sadly, he is unlikely to change after all this time. So you will have to decide whether or not you can tolerate this. Good luck x Lady5859, After 13 years, what not marriage? Is that in the plan or do you like the statuesque? So if you were to have kids, he wold have to come out of the man cave, but if you are going to remain just really good friends, I do not see an issue. Good luck
misspond Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Lady5859, After 13 years, what not marriage? Is that in the plan or do you like the statuesque? So if you were to have kids, he wold have to come out of the man cave, but if you are going to remain just really good friends, I do not see an issue. Good luck Not necessarily, in terms of him coming out of the man cave if they ever had kids. He might do but from my experience and that of women I know who have married their man and expected them to change once kids came along I would caution that this might not be the case.
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