sunshinegirl Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Hi all.... Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59629/. The short version is that my ex's feelings started changing after 5 months together long distance...coincided with me moving to town. Most people who've heard the story think "commitment phobe'! Ugh. So after 3 months of NC, in a moment of weakness, I emailed my ex. I wrote: "Hey, it's been awhile...wondered how you're doing. Wanted to ease the awkwardness if/when we run into each other around town and let you to know I'm not mad. Hope you're well." He wrote me back within half an hour: "Hey! Great to hear from you. I was wondering how to break the ice and now you have broken it. I am well, albeit busy and loaded with responsibility at XXX these days. My life consists of working out, then working until 10-11 every night. Thankfully, I have had weekends, but I am sure they will be going soon. You will not believe that I gave up TV for lent. I put together photo albums for all of my old pics dating back to college and went through everything I own, sorting, and discarding. XXX and XXX are moving to Raleigh, NC (God's country) this June. XXX and I are doing the NC triathlon again. How do you like your job? Thanks for reconnecting." Good, right?? Except then I started thinking, ****, this looks like it's going to go down that dreaded "friends" lane. So I wrote this back: "You're right, I can't believe you gave up TV for lent. Good for you! I gave up not watching TV for lent. Job is going well and I'm racking up lots of frequent flyer miles. Back to Asia next month! Well, the truth is that I wanted to break the ice so it would be easier if we run into each other around town. The thing is, you and I relate to each other as much more than friends, so let's not try to force this 'friends' thing. As I've said before, I don't think exes make good friends. This probably goes without saying, but you have a lot of wonderful qualities and I'm sure you'll find someone else who you will be great for. So if I see you around town or in church, I'd love to say hello of course. I really wish you only good things in life. You deserve them." The problem? I totally don't want him to find someone else...I really do think we are good together and I would love a second chance...but I felt like I needed to let him think I've totally moved on. He's the one that needs to want back in, and I don't want him to think I've been pining. But did I screw up by playing it sooo cool (and basically wishing him luck finding someone else)? I haven't heard back from him.
agnf666 Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 You put the ball in his court... "The thing is, you and I relate to each other as much more than friends, so let's not try to force this 'friends' thing. As I've said before, I don't think exes make good friends. " That was the hint right there. It kindof suggests that you want to be more then friends because exs don't make good friends... So, just wait and see what happens next. Do not force this issue or he will go down that "find someone else" route. Just go with the flow of things right now. Let him email you agian. See what he says about the situation. Good Luck... Let us know what the next email says!!!!!!!
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Just got back from a counseling session... My counselor thinks I've pretty much closed the possibility of dialogue with my response...not opened it. That I have probably confused him by initiating contact but then sending a message of "go away." That I probably shouldn't expect a response. Dammit! Seems like the only chance to redeem myself or clarify is if/when we do bump into each other. She told me to sit on my hands if I need to to stop myself from sending another msg at this point. What do people think?
BrotherAaron Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 I'm glad you wrote that email. If he wants to have you back as a girlfriend, he'll respond. If he doesn't, well... you didn't really want to be "friends" with him anyway, so what's the problem? Don't write again, of course, but I don't that you screwed anything up. If you want him back, there's no harm in letting him know. If he rejects you, it will hurt... but that's part of life. I think it was Winston Churchill who said "The biggest risk is not taking one" To me, the email says that you would give him another chance, but realize that he probably doesn't want one, and that you're just fine with it either way. It's inviting without being pleading, guilt-tripping, or depressing. I think it was a very nice way to invite somebody back into your life. 1
UCFKevin Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 I don't think you did anything wrong. Have no regrets. You're just a good person, no shame in that.
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Thank you all. I guess I'm partly wondering whether I should have been chatty with him for a couple more exchanges (to remind him of our awesome rapport together...start to reel him back in a bit) and THEN told him -- hey, relationship or nothing. I feel like I took his friendliness and slapped him with it. I've forced him into decision mode from the word 'go'.
Angeleyez2583 Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Guys are weird (sorry guys, but you know you can be). There was nothing wrong with you emailing him. Although, sometimes it can make a person think a little too much into a situation. I think you may be setting yourself up for pain. But at the same time he could want you back. I don't know him, I don't know how he thinks. Just don't start going back into the "omg I miss him so much cycle". That is the worst ! Anyway, good luck with that and I hope everything works out for you!
lindya Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Sounds like you initiated contact as a means to opening up channels of communication. He responded quite enthusiastically - but without any of the "I love you, I miss you" that you were maybe secretly hoping for. So you responded coolly with regard to the prospect of the two of you being friends, but made it clear you still have warm feelings for him. It was a nice email - light in tone, without shying away from the truth...ie that you still have feelings for him. I agree with the counsellor about sitting on your hands to stop yourself sending any more emails. I think your ex would see that as games-playing and probably lose respect for you. As it is, you've made it clear that you don't want things to be awkward if you bump into eachother in town. Well, maybe you will bump into eachother when you get back from Asia - who knows? Sending another email will not, however, get the result you want. I'm sure of it.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 the waiting is the worst. Don't know if he'll respond. That he didn't write back right away suggests he doesn't know what he wants from me. If he only wanted friendship, he could have written back right away "hey, thanks for letting me know where you're at...please know the friendship door is always open at my end...look forward to saying hi when we cross paths." Flat rejection...at least I would know. But neither did he write back w/ "hey! great--I don't want to be 'just friends' anyway...was waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell you I miss and love you!" I just want to hear *something*, you know??? Ugh.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Msg sent Friday morning. No response by Monday noon. He wouldn't still be debating how to respond to me, right? I have my answer, don't I?
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl I guess I'm partly wondering whether I should have been chatty with him for a couple more exchanges (to remind him of our awesome rapport together...start to reel him back in a bit) and THEN told him -- hey, relationship or nothing. I feel like I took his friendliness and slapped him with it. I've forced him into decision mode from the word 'go'. Yes. But actually, this is a difficult game to play and I think what you actually did was still pretty good. In his shoes, I would feel like you had closed contact for the time being. If you still want him, wait a couple of weeks then find a pretext to reopen contact. For example, some question that you'd like to ask him from one of his areas of competence... *Then* be chatty and reel him in. But think carefully about whether you really want him. Is he willing or able to change his commitmentphobic tendencies? He has already dumped you once.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 It's because he has CP tendencies that I drew my boundaries so clearly. If I hadn't, he could have kept me on the friends string forever. I fear that reopening contact at my end in a couple weeks will send mixed messages to him. If he wanted me, he would be telling me so. I don't want to be the one to 'reel' him in if on his own volition he doesn't want me. I'm sure to get dumped again if it plays out that way. I suppose the only thing I can do is wait until May 11 when I may see him at a church event. I'll be able to get a better 'read' on him in person. Let's just hope he goes...
outdated Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I broke NC today too. I don't know if it was a stupid thing to do or not. I texted her "hi." That was it. Still waiting for a response. If it doesn't come, then back to NC. I don't regret it. I choose her in my life, whether I like the outcome or not. Too good of a relationship to just let go. I think you know when you're being stupid and when you're following your heart.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl I suppose the only thing I can do is wait until May 11 when I may see him at a church event. I'll be able to get a better 'read' on him in person. Let's just hope he goes... Or you could look at some of the other nice single guys at the church event. To quote an eminent LSer: "Here's the thing. People get hung up on a crazy person for months or years, and then they are not available to find a normal partner. Because they are at home waiting for their crazy gf or bf to call and tell them they want them back. They should be out looking for the normal person!"
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 ....I have been out on 4 dates since the breakup. Not interested in any of them, of course. But your point is well taken. The only thing 'crazy' about him is that he wanted out in Jan. The thing that keeps me hooked, unfortunately, is the many stories among my friends and family of couples that broke up and got back together, ultimately making it work. (Ugh--hope is a horribly ugly beast sometimes!)
BrotherAaron Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 The thing that keeps me hooked, unfortunately, is the many stories among my friends and family of couples that broke up and got back together, ultimately making it work. (Ugh--hope is a horribly ugly beast sometimes!) That's the dumbest dribble people could disgrace you with. I'm a bit angry about this, as it was the first thing I was told, and told again, and again, by my ex's mother and my ex. Apparently, her mother dumped her father in college (they were HS sweethearts as well) and they were broken up for a year. After about a year, he called her and asked her to marry him, and they lived happily after, etc. Well, she made it sound like that was her plan. She said we needed a break. When I found out that the reason we needed a break was so that she could date other guys in the meantime, well, that pissed me off. I told her to get lost, and that's where we stand. No coming back together after she's had her fun. I'm too much of an all-or-nothing guy; it was take me or leave me, she left. Ok then.. goodbye. Anyway, I've already told too much of my story. My point is - don't even consider that a possibility. It's pointless. That's not what happens to most people. Like the diet pill ads say, "These results are not typical" You shouldn't expect to get back with him. That email was brave, and I applaud your courage, but it was a dice roll. It didn't work out. Stop plotting to get him back. Let him do the plotting if he decides he wants you back instead. You gave it your shot, now it's time to get on with your life. Don't wait a few weeks and get chatty again. Don't put him in your future anymore. He knows what he wants, apparently - and it's time for you to go find what you want. Walk away this time. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll start on your way towards emotional independence and, ultimately, happiness.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl The thing that keeps me hooked, unfortunately, is the many stories among my friends and family of couples that broke up and got back together, ultimately making it work. (Ugh--hope is a horribly ugly beast sometimes!) Yes, like BrotherAaron, I had to suffer the retelling of about a dozen of these. They're true, but what they fail to mention is: - the pain and confusion at the time - the fact that, viewed from the standpoint of history, these relationships now seem inevitable. But they usually seemed over at the time. I think BA's advice is excellent. Get on with your life. Don't consider your ex a possibility at this stage. Maybe one day it will work again, but building on this will only mess you up right now. Sorry Sunshinegirl. You sound really sweet - we don't mean to kill your hope, but to help you move on.
whitewhale Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I know some or most of you will think of me as undereducated or sth, but would someone tell me what is NC? perhaps the fact that I'm non-native of Enliglish will explain my ignorance... I only surimise it may stand for No Contact. is that correct?
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale I know some or most of you will think of me as undereducated or sth, but would someone tell me what is NC? perhaps the fact that I'm non-native of Enliglish will explain my ignorance... I only surimise it may stand for No Contact. is that correct? You surmise correctly And we don't think you're at all ignorant. Welcome aboard!
whitewhale Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Gosh, how could I write "English" wrongly. It's such a simple word. Thanks for illuminating me. I was really curious. I'm thinking of what strategies to employ to get over.. Is NC generally considered best? I used to burn the bridges, as we say in my language (sounds so odd in English though), meaning no relationship after the break-up. But is that the only cure? maybe I'm deceiving myself by considering the possibility of being just friends with him. I might be actually wanting him back... that's sooo bad
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale Is NC generally considered best? I used to burn the bridges, as we say in my language (sounds so odd in English though), meaning no relationship after the break-up. But is that the only cure? maybe I'm deceiving myself by considering the possibility of being just friends with him. I might be actually wanting him back... that's sooo bad We say "burn my/your/our/etc bridges". Or "burn your boats". It's a military metaphor with a long history in English NC is the most obvious cure. It helps you to get over the other person. Ironically, it also turns out to be one of the most likely ways to get someone back, although you must treat this as a long shot. I wouldn't burn any boats or bridges though. Don't say they can't ring, or anger them or anything else which makes a final cut. Just start NC and see what happens. PS What is your mother tongue, if you don't mind me asking?
whitewhale Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Right, so I must. I was silly or desperate enough to actually text him. once about regretting that I know him, which would be a final closure, and then when he replied that hating him is not an option (for him??) I responded that he might be right. Or might not... But that at the same time that how can he find what he's looking for if he only cares for being excited and all that? I mean, isn't love just like life, a rolleroaster with ups and downs? Relationships anyways are, aren't they. And I added I wish him that he grows to real love one day. Then he replied that he just wants me to feel better, so let me do what I please, hatred included. And I then said I think I can't hate him, he's too much like I was once so how can I condemn him. And if he chooses we can be friends, but meaning just friends. and I ended with - "if you don't want to, fine. your choice" So is now NC in proper order you think? I guess it should be... Gosh I do so miss the guy... But I can't lie through another night and then cry my eyes out and have splitting headaches for ages because I feel like having hope of getting it all back, right?
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale So is now NC in proper order you think? I guess it should be... Yes, take it one day at a time. Spend time with friends. And instead of thinking about him and the relationship, think about yourself and your future. Take time for self-improvement - exercise, therapy, a hobby, etc. Gosh I do so miss the guy... But I can't lie through another night and then cry my eyes out and have splitting headaches for ages because I feel like having hope of getting it all back, right? It's typical. But this too shall pass...
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Thank you all for your support and feedback. I'm having a newly hard time with the breakup...major relapse into tears, hopelessness, darkness...a phase I thought I was at the back end of a week or two ago. Now, with the non-response from my ex, I feel like I'm starting the grieving process all over again. I don't really know how to accept the death of this relationship. Is acceptance a back-and-forth thing for most people? Like, one moment you tell yourself, "okay, it is really over. Need to focus on me and my future" and then the next moment you are grabbing it all back and thinking "no! no! it can't be...why? why?" and then speculating on all the different reasons why he might not have responded that *don't* have to do with him not wanting to get back together. Rational side knows it's stupid but emotional side is in charge these days.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Thank you all for your support and feedback. Our pleasure. I don't really know how to accept the death of this relationship. Time. More time. And even more time. Is acceptance a back-and-forth thing for most people? For me, definitely. Rational side knows it's stupid but emotional side is in charge these days. This is definitely how I experienced it. And I still do get bad days. I think the trick is to allow both the rational and the emotional to express themselves. Make time for both, since they're both part of us. Chin up. This *will* pass - it's just a question of riding it out.
Recommended Posts