My (long and terrible) breakup story.

[Altra]

Hey guys. I found my way here a few weeks ago after my boyfriend and I broke up. I've been lurking but I really need to vent to someone about what's going on.

 

I met my ex four years ago on the game World of Warcraft. We quickly became friends and soon after, it turned into a long distance relationship (he lived approximately 1,800 miles across the country). He was super sweet and always willing to listen to my problems (at the time, my dad was very sick with cancer and so, as you can imagine, I was an emotional wreck).

 

After my dad died, roughly a year after my ex and I first met, I decided I was ready to finally meet my ex, and so I booked a ticket for him to fly across the country to see me. He couldn't afford to buy the ticket himself, as he was living at his parents house, going to college, but didn't have a job (should have been my first clue right there, but let me explain). Anyway, I gladly paid for the ticket and a few weeks later, we met in person. The chemistry was great. He was as sweet and funny in person as he'd been on Skype and texting.

 

He stayed at my apartment with me for two weeks before flying home. We made plans for me to come visit him a month later, and I suggested I move across the country to be with him if things went well. And so I did.

 

I picked up my life and moved 1,800 miles away. Willingly. I wanted to get away from my former life, from the memories of my dad when he was alive, and from the rundown town I'd lived in for the first 26 years of my life. So I moved in with him, at his parents house. I wanted us to get an apartment because it was really weird living with his parents.

 

Anyway, I ended up buying a house (thank goodness it was ALL in my name!) and we moved in there a few months later. Things went well for a long time. He went to college part time and I worked from home as a writer. Since he didn't have a job, I paid for everything--bills, phone, gas money, groceries, car insurance, house insurance, etc. In retrospect, I should have been angry about it. But he was so nice. And he helped around the house and did all the cleaning and tidying (I'm a messy person). And he was so fun to hang out with.

 

We'd been living together about two years when I suggested one of my friends and fellow writer move into the extra room and pay us rent to help cover bills. This was the beginning of the end, I believe. My ex and writer friend hated each other. My ex blamed it on me. Said it was selfish of me to ruin our peaceful living situation by having someone come live there against his wishes. But money was tight--we wouldn't have made it through that last year if I hadn't had the extra rent money coming in every month.

 

Anyway, things fell apart that last year. My ex briefly got a job, and for three months, he actually helped pay for groceries and gas money and bills. But the job was physically demanding and he's always had a bad knee. He quit after three months due to the pain and we were back to struggling to make ends meet. His parents had been paying for his college, but they fell into financial trouble of their own. He was ONE semester away from earning his associates degree and so I agreed to pay for it myself, so that he'd be able to graduate. He accepted the help grudgingly.

 

The last six months were really rough. I asked him to look for a new job and he did submit about six online applications, but never got any call backs. A few fast food restaurants were doing open door interviews. He refused to go apply in person. He only wanted to apply online. I suggested after his final semester, we move back to my hometown, where the cost of living was cheaper and he could work on his bachelor's degree. I even offered to pay the tuition so that he wouldn't have to take out student loans.

 

He got accepted into a great college back in my hometown (I, of course, paid for the application fees and deposits to hold his place) and I finally thought our relationship would get back on track. He would go to school and I could sell my house and move back home to be closer to my mom. He seemed legitimately excited to continue his education and move back to my hometown. I really thought it would be a fresh start once we moved...

 

However, about three weeks before we were planning to move (late May), I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair with one of my friends back home (she'd came to visit us several months ago and I guess they exchanged phone numbers before she left and had been texting/calling one another in secret). I was completely blindsided. I mean, I knew our relationship had been strained but I NEVER expected him to be flirting with another girl (let alone a friend I'd known since elementary school).

 

When I called him out, he admitted he hadn't been happy for a long time. Like, almost since the beginning of our relationship. I of course pointed out that I'd been paying for him to live for FREE for almost three and a half years. He said he didn't have the courage or backbone to leave me or tell me how miserable he was. He said he couldn't help the way he felt about my friend and wasn't willing to stop communicating with her. And so I ended our relationship. Unwillingly.

 

I moved back across the country by myself. He moved into his brothers house. I failed miserably at the no contact rule. I wanted him back. He wanted to remain friends (I think mostly because I had our four animals--three dogs and a cat). I begged for him to come back and it nearly killed me when he told me only a few days after we broke up that my former friend had bought him a one way plane ticket to go see her.

 

So now he's living with her, only ten miles from my house. And it's depressing as hell to think about how quickly he's moved on and how happy he is. I feel completely powerless. Not to mention screwed over. I supported him for over three years and he ran away with one of my friends... probably to live off her paycheck now.

 

I know I should hate him and want nothing to do with him. But I can't help the way I feel. I still love him. He was my closest friend on top of being my boyfriend. I could tell him ANYTHING. And now it's just gone. No more movie nights, no more pillow talks, no more taking the dogs for walks together, no more anything. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I had a plan for my life and now it's gone.

 

And to be fair, I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I'm emotional and high strung. I have binge eating tendencies which he couldn't stand... I can understand why he might have been unhappy. But why did he wait three and a half years to tell me only when I forced it out of him? I'm just feeling so betrayed right now.

 

And to make matters worse, now that he lives with my former friend, he won't return my texts. He seems to want nothing to do with me. He still has the cell phone that I'm paying for (it's still on my plan) and I don't even know how to go about getting it back. I know I'm supposed to not be talking to him, but it's hard...

 

Anyway, that's the situation. Feeling very, very helpless right now. I can't even concentrate on my writing career. All I can think about is him and it SUCKS!

[pidgeon1010]

Ugh I am truly sorry for what you're going through. Unfortunately, it sounds like you dived into the relationship too fast and never really took a step back to evaluate his true intentions. You bought him a ticket to see you, you moved to him, you bought a house, you paid the bills, you offered to pay his tuition, etc etc. Frankly, he had it made. You made it comfortable for him so why would he tell you he was unhappy with the relationship if everything else was fine: he paid no bills and you were taking care of him. He had time to start a new emotional relationship with your "friend" but didn't even want to go apply for a job in person. He didn't want to exert himself much and you never held him accountable.

 

Frankly, he sounds like a loser and you should be happy to be rid of him but I understand that you are hurting right now. There is no way to escape the hurt, unfortunately. You have to go through the emotions. I am going through my own breakup and I know it is tough but you have to make an effort. It will get better.

 

ps. Please call the cell phone company and shut his line off. Don't just sit idly and be victimized. Take your power back and stop paying his way. If the cell phone is your means of communicating with him, shutting it off will also help you to move on.

[frigginlost]

Hey guys. I found my way here a few weeks ago after my boyfriend and I broke up. I've been lurking but I really need to vent to someone about what's going on.

 

I met my ex four years ago on the game World of Warcraft. We quickly became friends and soon after, it turned into a long distance relationship (he lived approximately 1,800 miles across the country). He was super sweet and always willing to listen to my problems (at the time, my dad was very sick with cancer and so, as you can imagine, I was an emotional wreck).

 

After my dad died, roughly a year after my ex and I first met, I decided I was ready to finally meet my ex, and so I booked a ticket for him to fly across the country to see me. He couldn't afford to buy the ticket himself, as he was living at his parents house, going to college, but didn't have a job (should have been my first clue right there, but let me explain). Anyway, I gladly paid for the ticket and a few weeks later, we met in person. The chemistry was great. He was as sweet and funny in person as he'd been on Skype and texting.

 

He stayed at my apartment with me for two weeks before flying home. We made plans for me to come visit him a month later, and I suggested I move across the country to be with him if things went well. And so I did.

 

I picked up my life and moved 1,800 miles away. Willingly. I wanted to get away from my former life, from the memories of my dad when he was alive, and from the rundown town I'd lived in for the first 26 years of my life. So I moved in with him, at his parents house. I wanted us to get an apartment because it was really weird living with his parents.

 

Anyway, I ended up buying a house (thank goodness it was ALL in my name!) and we moved in there a few months later. Things went well for a long time. He went to college part time and I worked from home as a writer. Since he didn't have a job, I paid for everything--bills, phone, gas money, groceries, car insurance, house insurance, etc. In retrospect, I should have been angry about it. But he was so nice. And he helped around the house and did all the cleaning and tidying (I'm a messy person). And he was so fun to hang out with.

 

We'd been living together about two years when I suggested one of my friends and fellow writer move into the extra room and pay us rent to help cover bills. This was the beginning of the end, I believe. My ex and writer friend hated each other. My ex blamed it on me. Said it was selfish of me to ruin our peaceful living situation by having someone come live there against his wishes. But money was tight--we wouldn't have made it through that last year if I hadn't had the extra rent money coming in every month.

 

Anyway, things fell apart that last year. My ex briefly got a job, and for three months, he actually helped pay for groceries and gas money and bills. But the job was physically demanding and he's always had a bad knee. He quit after three months due to the pain and we were back to struggling to make ends meet. His parents had been paying for his college, but they fell into financial trouble of their own. He was ONE semester away from earning his associates degree and so I agreed to pay for it myself, so that he'd be able to graduate. He accepted the help grudgingly.

 

The last six months were really rough. I asked him to look for a new job and he did submit about six online applications, but never got any call backs. A few fast food restaurants were doing open door interviews. He refused to go apply in person. He only wanted to apply online. I suggested after his final semester, we move back to my hometown, where the cost of living was cheaper and he could work on his bachelor's degree. I even offered to pay the tuition so that he wouldn't have to take out student loans.

 

He got accepted into a great college back in my hometown (I, of course, paid for the application fees and deposits to hold his place) and I finally thought our relationship would get back on track. He would go to school and I could sell my house and move back home to be closer to my mom. He seemed legitimately excited to continue his education and move back to my hometown. I really thought it would be a fresh start once we moved...

 

However, about three weeks before we were planning to move (late May), I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair with one of my friends back home (she'd came to visit us several months ago and I guess they exchanged phone numbers before she left and had been texting/calling one another in secret). I was completely blindsided. I mean, I knew our relationship had been strained but I NEVER expected him to be flirting with another girl (let alone a friend I'd known since elementary school).

 

When I called him out, he admitted he hadn't been happy for a long time. Like, almost since the beginning of our relationship. I of course pointed out that I'd been paying for him to live for FREE for almost three and a half years. He said he didn't have the courage or backbone to leave me or tell me how miserable he was. He said he couldn't help the way he felt about my friend and wasn't willing to stop communicating with her. And so I ended our relationship. Unwillingly.

 

I moved back across the country by myself. He moved into his brothers house. I failed miserably at the no contact rule. I wanted him back. He wanted to remain friends (I think mostly because I had our four animals--three dogs and a cat). I begged for him to come back and it nearly killed me when he told me only a few days after we broke up that my former friend had bought him a one way plane ticket to go see her.

 

So now he's living with her, only ten miles from my house. And it's depressing as hell to think about how quickly he's moved on and how happy he is. I feel completely powerless. Not to mention screwed over. I supported him for over three years and he ran away with one of my friends... probably to live off her paycheck now.

 

I know I should hate him and want nothing to do with him. But I can't help the way I feel. I still love him. He was my closest friend on top of being my boyfriend. I could tell him ANYTHING. And now it's just gone. No more movie nights, no more pillow talks, no more taking the dogs for walks together, no more anything. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I had a plan for my life and now it's gone.

 

And to be fair, I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I'm emotional and high strung. I have binge eating tendencies which he couldn't stand... I can understand why he might have been unhappy. But why did he wait three and a half years to tell me only when I forced it out of him? I'm just feeling so betrayed right now.

 

And to make matters worse, now that he lives with my former friend, he won't return my texts. He seems to want nothing to do with me. He still has the cell phone that I'm paying for (it's still on my plan) and I don't even know how to go about getting it back. I know I'm supposed to not be talking to him, but it's hard...

 

Anyway, that's the situation. Feeling very, very helpless right now. I can't even concentrate on my writing career. All I can think about is him and it SUCKS!

 

Bolded for your enjoyment.

 

It may not seem like it right now, but with every passing day, there is a little flame in you that is burning regarding what he has done. That flame is going to turn into an inferno with time. The pain you are feeling is completely normal but as the scar starts to form regarding him, you are going to become so extremely angry that you're not going to be able to see straight. Allow that to happen.

 

Again, what you are feeling is completely normal.

 

You deserve waaaaaay better and in time, you will realize that.

[Altra]

Ugh I am truly sorry for what you're going through. Unfortunately, it sounds like you dived into the relationship too fast and never really took a step back to evaluate his true intentions. You bought him a ticket to see you, you moved to him, you bought a house, you paid the bills, you offered to pay his tuition, etc etc. Frankly, he had it made. You made it comfortable for him so why would he tell you he was unhappy with the relationship if everything else was fine: he paid no bills and you were taking care of him. He had time to start a new emotional relationship with your "friend" but didn't even want to go apply for a job in person. He didn't want to exert himself much and you never held him accountable.

 

Frankly, he sounds like a loser and you should be happy to be rid of him but I understand that you are hurting right now. There is no way to escape the hurt, unfortunately. You have to go through the emotions. I am going through my own breakup and I know it is tough but you have to make an effort. It will get better.

 

ps. Please call the cell phone company and shut his line off. Don't just sit idly and be victimized. Take your power back and stop paying his way. If the cell phone is your means of communicating with him, shutting it off will also help you to move on.

 

Yes, my friends and family have been trying to comfort me, reassuring me that he is indeed a jerk and loser and I'm better without him. I know deep down they are right, but it's upsetting to know he's happily moved on and doesn't even care that I'm an emotional wreck. How can someone go from being so caring to so cold in a matter of months?

 

And if I'm being honest, one of the reasons I haven't had the phone shut off is because his phone IS my way of communicating with him. If the phone is gone, I'm scared I'll NEVER be able to reach out to him again. I know that is supposed to be a good thing, but I'm having difficulty letting go.

[Altra]

Bolded for your enjoyment.

 

It may not seem like it right now, but with every passing day, there is a little flame in you that is burning regarding what he has done. That flame is going to turn into an inferno with time. The pain you are feeling is completely normal but as the scar starts to form regarding him, you are going to become so extremely angry that you're not going to be able to see straight. Allow that to happen.

 

Again, what you are feeling is completely normal.

 

You deserve waaaaaay better and in time, you will realize that.

 

Haha, thanks for bolding. Really does put it into perspective.

 

I'm somewhere in between the deep sorrow and intense anger stage. I'm feeling more and more angry every day. In a vengeful, want-to-make-him-hurt-the-way-I'm-hurting kind of way. But I guess it's impossible to hurt someone who's completely over me...

[frigginlost]

Haha, thanks for bolding. Really does put it into perspective.

 

I'm somewhere in between the deep sorrow and intense anger stage. I'm feeling more and more angry every day. In a vengeful, want-to-make-him-hurt-the-way-I'm-hurting kind of way. But I guess it's impossible to hurt someone who's completely over me...

 

That's your mind telling you that because you're hurt. Try not think that way. It is tough and we all do it, but think of it this way:

 

Somebody else gets to carry his trash.

 

And trust me, he will be no different with the new girl...

[pidgeon1010]

YES, he is probably leeching off this new girl. When the gravy train stops, I won't be surprised he will find a way to reach out to you again.

 

The phone is your link to him but do you really want to keep paying for a phone which he is probably using to communicate with the woman he cheated on you with? And he is not responding to your texts!! Right now, he is not facing any repercussions for his actions: he has a new gf who is footing the bills, and you wanting him back after he treated you poorly.

 

Setting boundaries for how you want to be treated in life and in dating is very necessary if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects you. When you let everything be a free-for-all in dating and in life, you get chaos in return. You get depression, suffering, pain, indecision, confusion, desperation and turmoiled emotions. Who wants to live like that? Who deserves to live like that? No one.

[Altra]

That's your mind telling you that because you're hurt. Try not think that way. It is tough and we all do it, but think of it this way:

 

Somebody else gets to carry his trash.

 

And trust me, he will be no different with the new girl...

 

Thank you. That's a really good way of looking at it. She WILL get to carry his trash. She'll have to support him until the (unlikely) day he decides to get a job.

[Altra]

YES, he is probably leeching off this new girl. When the gravy train stops, I won't be surprised he will find a way to reach out to you again.

 

The phone is your link to him but do you really want to keep paying for a phone which he is probably using to communicate with the woman he cheated on you with? And he is not responding to your texts!! Right now, he is not facing any repercussions for his actions: he has a new gf who is footing the bills, and you wanting him back after he treated you poorly.

 

Setting boundaries for how you want to be treated in life and in dating is very necessary if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects you. When you let everything be a free-for-all in dating and in life, you get chaos in return. You get depression, suffering, pain, indecision, confusion, desperation and turmoiled emotions. Who wants to live like that? Who deserves to live like that? No one.

 

I finally got a hold of him last night and asked for my phone back. Now he's jerking me around saying that he will "text me and let me know when he's able to come drop it off".

 

I just want the phone back. I won't be able to communicate with him even if I want to once the phone is out of the equation.... /sigh.