CollegeKid101 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Hi guys, I started seeing this girl a little over a year ago after I finally cut off my cheating/messed up exgirlfriend by blocking her to avoid her drunk phone calls and begging of me back... Anyways..the new girl was really nice to me and really pretty we started off great! We were actually coworkers at a retail store and really got along, she knew of my ex and she also had a crazy cheating ex so I think that also linked us together in a way. Everything was great, we had a great summer together and then college came and we decided to try long distance since she was going to be on the opposite side of the country basically. First semester was good, although she would get jealous sometimes I never really thought much of it. I visited her for Thanksgiving break and everything was still good between us. Neither of us cheated and nothing was wrong, she was even going to transfer back to our state school because of monetary reasons. I thought great! We can be together and not have to do the whole long distance missing thing. Fast forward to Christmas, we were hanging out at her place and for some reason she brought up how she's actually been with 6 other guys, but doesn't count two of them because "it didn't even count" in her eyes. This enraged me since we had discussed in the summer how many people we've been with because I was hearing stories that she had been with a lot and I didn't want to be with somebody like that. She had sworn to me it she had only been with 3 other guys and I was fine with that since I thought she had been telling me the truth...although 6 wasn't much more the fact that she lied to me is what really made me upset. I guess this is where the relationship took a dip.. I lost a few feelings that night since my trust was somewhat broken, anyways we go to school and I'm like okay it'll be good now. Well it was TERRIBLE, she wanted to sleep at my place every night because she's scared of the dark, she wanted to go out every single night together and hang out at the bars together and would get upset if I just wanted to be with my friends, she would cry constantly, if I talked to a friend that was a girl ALL HELL would break loose. She ended up telling me she's suicidal and that freaked me out so I stayed in the relationship (I tried to break up with her and she wouldn't let me). She would get upset and start walking at 2 am drunk from the bar toward the bad areas of town because she said it's not like it matters what happens to her. I eventually told her things need to change and she needs to change. She did realize this and got a lot better. However, I really just don't want to be in this relationship anymore. She get's mad at me about dumb things and CONSTANTLY needs to be reassured i love her. She has extremely bad self confidence and if I like a picture of a girl on Facebook that is my friend, she says "sorry I'm not hot enough for you"...LIKE WHAT?! The other day I told her I need to think about things and she freaked out on me and started crying on the phone to me. We haven't seen each other for about a week since she's been out of town and after this phone call I told her I just need to think about everything. She responds by sending me a ton of "I love you" "I miss you" "I need a big hug from you"....I just want out of this relationship, but I don't know what to say to her... What is the best/nicest way to break up with her? I do care about her, but I just want to be out of this and experience new things. I'm in college and the constant stress of her is too overbearing especially when I'm in classes and studying for my grad school exam. Thanks guys!
lana-banana Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Wait a minute. You're a young man in college and you want to be sure you handle this breakup with compassion, maturity and respect? What the hell, dude? This is the time of your life to treat people poorly and have no idea what you're doing because you don't know any better! Where were you when I was twenty?! Seriously, though, congratulations on being such a class act. Your parents raised you well. Tell her you want to meet up for coffee. No "I love you"s or "I miss you"s, just ask to get coffee. Any public venue will do (she's far less likely to cause a scene), but a coffeeshop is a bit better because it's casual and relaxed. If you can, try to find one that's a short walk to her friends' place as she will probably need a long cry afterwards. Memorize what you want to say and memorize it well, because she is likely to have an emotional reaction that makes you forget your plans. Something like "I've decided my heart isn't in this relationship" or "I want to concentrate on my studies right now" is good, because there's nothing she can do about it. Listing specific behaviors will just result in her promising desperately to change. If she asks if you made her unhappy, just repeat yourself. Be firm that this is your decision and you won't change your mind. Also resist any effort on her part "to be friends". Explain you can't have any further contact. Your next steps should be to immediately block her telephone number, social media accounts, and any other potential avenues for contact. If she's as emotionally labile as you described, she may resort to some pretty wild measures to reach you. Be prepared to shut those down too. Above all else, be prepared to contact university or medical authorities if she makes more suicide threats. When someone expresses a desire to harm themselves or others the matter is officially out of your hands. You are not a trained professional. She may need far more help than her friends and family can provide. It sounds like she's very troubled right now. The good thing about girls her age is the vast majority of them grow out of it not long after they graduate college. I wasn't half as extreme as this girl, but I did a lot of similarly cringeworthy things that embarrass me even now. With any luck she'll learn many lessons from this awful heartbreak and go on to lead a happy, productive life. I know for a fact you will. On a lighter note: now is the time of your life to start cultivating an appreciation for good alcohol. I would recommend finding a nice bourbon (Booker's, Blanton's, Angel's Envy) or scotch (Oban was my starter) to keep for celebrating your exams. Good luck.
Author CollegeKid101 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Wait a minute. You're a young man in college and you want to be sure you handle this breakup with compassion, maturity and respect? What the hell, dude? This is the time of your life to treat people poorly and have no idea what you're doing because you don't know any better! Where were you when I was twenty?! Seriously, though, congratulations on being such a class act. Your parents raised you well. Tell her you want to meet up for coffee. No "I love you"s or "I miss you"s, just ask to get coffee. Any public venue will do (she's far less likely to cause a scene), but a coffeeshop is a bit better because it's casual and relaxed. If you can, try to find one that's a short walk to her friends' place as she will probably need a long cry afterwards. Memorize what you want to say and memorize it well, because she is likely to have an emotional reaction that makes you forget your plans. Something like "I've decided my heart isn't in this relationship" or "I want to concentrate on my studies right now" is good, because there's nothing she can do about it. Listing specific behaviors will just result in her promising desperately to change. If she asks if you made her unhappy, just repeat yourself. Be firm that this is your decision and you won't change your mind. Also resist any effort on her part "to be friends". Explain you can't have any further contact. Your next steps should be to immediately block her telephone number, social media accounts, and any other potential avenues for contact. If she's as emotionally labile as you described, she may resort to some pretty wild measures to reach you. Be prepared to shut those down too. Above all else, be prepared to contact university or medical authorities if she makes more suicide threats. When someone expresses a desire to harm themselves or others the matter is officially out of your hands. You are not a trained professional. She may need far more help than her friends and family can provide. It sounds like she's very troubled right now. The good thing about girls her age is the vast majority of them grow out of it not long after they graduate college. I wasn't half as extreme as this girl, but I did a lot of similarly cringeworthy things that embarrass me even now. With any luck she'll learn many lessons from this awful heartbreak and go on to lead a happy, productive life. I know for a fact you will. On a lighter note: now is the time of your life to start cultivating an appreciation for good alcohol. I would recommend finding a nice bourbon (Booker's, Blanton's, Angel's Envy) or scotch (Oban was my starter) to keep for celebrating your exams. Good luck. Thank you for your very kind note! I don't want to hurt here, although I know she will be hurt. I don't want her to hate me by being inconsiderite about the entire ordeal. I will use both of the lines you suggested since those are actually the two primary reasons for wanting to end this relationship. I was able to get her to go to the University's psychiatrist, but since we've been back for summer she hasn't gotten any help. However, she's been better. I also want to note she relies on emotionally me far too often because her relationship with her parents is well, terrible. So that makes this even harder to deal with. Thank you and I will try to end this as peacefully as possible EDIT: In terms of the alcohol, I will be getting all those you suggested since I will be on a steady binge once these exams are over!
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 When you break up with somebody it hurts. There is no getting around it. There is no way to say I don't want to be with you anymore & have the person walk away happy & feeling good. The best you can do is honesty & compassion. The clichés are your friends. Use them. Talk about how you want to explore college life. Explain you don't want drama. But do not give her the impression that if she changes you will come back because she will promise to change, things will be OK for a short while then you will be back where you started. 2
GoBlue Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Honest and open conversation is the most loving and compassionate thing you can do for her. Be prepared, she will probably get very emotional and maybe even manipulative in her approach. This is where the truth is actually compassion - you know that you are not committed to this relationship and prolonging it any further will actually be more harmful for her. Nobody enjoys doing these things but we have all had to do it at one time or another. Good luck.
Mrin Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 All of the above. But some of my rules: 1. Keep it short. It will feel awkward. But they always feel awkward. 2. Be clear that you're breaking up 3. Be clear that this is it. The end. No chance in the future even if you think there may be You need to do her one last act of kindness and that make it swift and clean so she can start healing and moving on. 2
casey.lives Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 you break up in a short yet semi sweet manner.. you will be breaking someone's heart ..you don't need to break their whole everything
mightycpa Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 ...Fast forward to Christmas, we were hanging out at her place and for some reason she brought up how she's actually been with 6 other guys, but doesn't count two of them because "it didn't even count" in her eyes. This enraged me since we had discussed in the summer how many people we've been with because I was hearing stories that she had been with a lot and I didn't want to be with somebody like that. She had sworn to me it she had only been with 3 other guys and I was fine with that since I thought she had been telling me the truth...although 6 wasn't much more the fact that she lied to me is what really made me upset. I guess this is where the relationship took a dip.. I lost a few feelings that night since my trust was somewhat broken, anyways we go to school and I'm like okay it'll be good now. Well it was TERRIBLE, she wanted to sleep at my place every night because she's scared of the dark, she wanted to go out every single night together and hang out at the bars together and would get upset if I just wanted to be with my friends, she would cry constantly, if I talked to a friend that was a girl ALL HELL would break loose. She ended up telling me she's suicidal and that freaked me out so I stayed in the relationship (I tried to break up with her and she wouldn't let me). She would get upset and start walking at 2 am drunk from the bar toward the bad areas of town because she said it's not like it matters what happens to her. I eventually told her things need to change and she needs to change.This is where you ****ed up, College Kid. If that bothered you so much, they you should have been true to yourself. I tried to break up with her and she wouldn't let meI really don't even know what that means, other than you can be manipulated. You sound a little TOO nice. I'd tell her the truth, that this has been bothering you ever since then, and that you made a mistake when you tolerated her deception. She may very well blackmail you with self-harm, but the answer to that threat is that you cannot love someone who clearly does not love herself, and that you cannot be with someone like that. You will get resistance, for sure. Do not give in, you've done that at leat once already. This is not your average breakup. She is manipulative, and usually, this isn't the nicest thing to do, but when she resists you, you need to stick to your guns, and explain that this is HER FAULT FOR LYING TO YOU. She is expecting you to be compliant, given your past behavior, and you need to adopt a manly, decisive and firm persona, as in: I AM breaking up with you. Here's why:Forget nice. Be as resolute as she is resistant. Be truthful, like you have been here, and repeat the truth as many times as you need to without giving in, like a broken record. (any idea what that is?)
Recommended Posts