I legitimately ruined the best relationship I have ever had..

[drade]

Series of events

 

Hello all. My Ex dumped me three weeks ago. After a night out to dinner and desert, her stomach was upsetting her. We stopped at a gas station so I could buy her some ginger ale. I left my phone in the car, she went on it, and found a text message roughly a month old, where a girl and I were flirting, I said I was unhappy, and I wanted this other girl.

 

Prior to these events, our relationship kind of went down hill with trust, on her part. A month into dating, she got very upset with my texting during a meeting with friends. I was drunk (I rarely drink), and I didn't respond to well to her questioning who I was texting. I was texting a co-worker, who ive been friends, strictly and only friends, for years, she and I are new grads and got a job at the same facility.

 

A month passes, I am watching the super bowel at her sisters house. That evening, a girl I hooked up with two years ago (I told this to my gf at the time to), texts me right infront of my gf, saying "hey whatsup." My gf freaked out, I calmed her down, and told that girl im in a relationship, please respect that.

 

Months go by, and my ex would randomly ask if I ever talked to the girl who texted me at the super bowl. I told her no, several times. She always brought up the two instances where I got defensive about who I was texting. Yes, the first time I was defensive because I was drunk, and not thinking logically. The second time I had no reason to be defensive; I never talked to that girl in almost two years.

 

The break up

 

That night she went on my phone, she dumped me, I tried to explain, she just couldn't listen. I understand, I emotionally betrayed her, I betrayed her trust and should have told her what had happened prior to her finding out. This is the first time I have ever hurt a female, I am young, and have always been cheated on myself. My now ex girlfriend, has let guys walk all over her, cheat on her, and disrespect her, so she has a no tolerance policy for any of that crap, and I don't blame her, it's all about self respect, self worth and love.

 

However, I immediately went to therapy. I lost my integrity, I hurt someone who didn't do anything bad.

 

I had texted her several times the night and day after we broke up. She wasn't nice at all, it was a rainy day, and she said things like "its like someone died, its like you died, your dead to me." She then later calls me up that night drunk, and is screaming at me, telling me things I already know. She didn't believe I was home when I said I was, so I had to take a picture of my room. Her response? That could have been taken weeks ago. So I took another picture of the date and time on my alarm clock. She also joked saying "what are you at that girls house," then said "just kidding, you wouldn't do that."

 

A week goes by, we talk on a daily basis, me trying to set things straight, her numbing me down. She calls me on a Wednesday to tell me about her doctors visit, I pick up, she's her regular old self, and I am a wreck.

 

She asks to sit down and chat a few days later. That turned into a three hour car ride, of her and I crying, her touching me, kissing my neck, my lips, she even tried to get my turned on, and asked if I would go upstairs and jerk off, that's how she wanted her closure?! To torture me?! She said she wanted to stay friends, and I said no, and she flipped. So I caved in, and that was the absolute worst mistake I had ever made.

 

She told me she was still using my blanket, my pajamas, even my water bottle. She said I could share the ebay account with her. She even bought me a bookmark that I had thrown away because she made fun of it with her sister.

 

I started becoming mentally tortured, weak, desperate, needy, lost, depressed. All because I had stayed in contact with her. I would initiate everything, and all discussions would revolve around her. She told me she needed space, she needed me to work on myself, and for 22 grueling days she told me "I cant be with someone who I trust." If I asked her about what shees feeling, she would say I don't know, I don't want to feel anything right now, I want to live a monotone lifestyle. My guard is back up, three times as high.

 

We were suppose to go to a wedding together, but I screwed that chance. So what does she do? Sends me snapchats, her and her friend, of the wedding. Those were the two worst days of my life!

 

I sent her flowers one week, and edable arrangement the next, and the third week I even drove to her house to drop off food, drinks, and medications because she was sick. She said that "I was acting out of character." I told her listen, you helped me when I was sick, and I am trying to be there not only for you, but for others, because I realized I became quite self centered and caught up in my work life. I am trying to change for myself, not because your sick.

 

 

The next week, she said that "i wouldn't say never" about getting back together. However, throughout all this time, she told me that she could not trust me, she said I ruined her and the relationship, she said I was dead to her..

So for 21 days, I kept in contact. She wanted to be my friend, so I tried it out, but I am in love with her, so that went south real quick. A few days ago, i sent her a text message that, for the second time, she said I am done, and enough is enough.

Last night her friend snap chatted me, saying pre game time. I was out in a local city where there are tons of clubs and bars. I ended up seeing my ex, and I was wasted. I went up to her, and she basically told me to go away. That same night I was messaging one of her friends, and she got very mae at me for sending snap chats to her friends, but accused me of talking to them, when I did not, never talked to them about her, not once. I talked to my own friends.

She texts me mid way through the night, and tells me to please respect her boundaries. I have had issues of doing this in the past (during the breakup). She then states that she would come meet me and a friend, and I sent her like 10 text messages overwhelming her. She never showed up, I called her at least 8 times. I was hammered and not thinking straight. She also accused me of specifically going out that night to look for her, but I was really there for friends of mine.

She texted me this morning, and said that if I had chilled out she would have came see me. That all she was asking is for me to chill out all this time. And that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore,.

So, here I sit, depressed still, 22 days later, and its 11100% done, even though it was from day one. Sharing contact with her was a very bad Idea, I ended up pleading, crying, and retching her to come back. It was very hard for me to give her space, when she needed it. I

Her end statement was "this needs to be the end of it, i think ive made things pretty clear to you but your'e just not getting it."

If she actually came to see my last night, knowing she said she was done two days ago, wouldn't that just torture me more in the long run?

 

Moral of the story. Our relationship was great for the most part, this is the first time I have ever met a girl I can trust, she did everything for me, never really argued at all, it was a five month old relationship. We did love eachother, our families loved us together, and so did our friends. But I made a poor decision, that broke us up, for no reason other than to flirt. It was very selfish, ignorant, and disrespectful. But I have accepted this, I did over three weeks ago, I am going to therapy, I am going out, I am going to the gym, I am hanging out with friends, I am focusing on work.

 

But here I am, four days into official no contact, no nothing, and I can't help but think of her. I feel like I tried, gave it my best, went crawling to her when I shouldn't have needed to do that to myself. But atleast I don't have to ask "what if." I was willing to give up all my privacy if we got back together. And go to couples therapy to work on rebuilding and maintaining trust and respect.

Edited June 24, 2015 by drade

[Yummm]

It sucks that this has happened. But you really need to just give her time to know what she wants. It seems like the relationship wasn't that perfect if she kept having doubts and trust issues with you, so atleast remind yourself of that.

 

You did the right thing by finally letting go and going NC. It's very fresh, so you will be feeling all these emotions and they are normal.

 

You also now know what not to do for your next relationship, everybody makes mistakes and we have to learn from them.

 

My best advice would be to go strict NC, let her reach out if she's willing to forgive you, but you need to try let go, move on, ride the emotional rollercoaster and push through.

[drade]

You and others are absolutely right. It wasn't that perfect. Her reasoning for going on my phone is she had the "intuition" feeling that something was up. She went looking for trouble, and she found it. The reality is, even if she didn't find anything, that would have set us back big time going on my phone. And it makes me think, was this the first time she has checked my phone? I'm happy I didn't delete the text, and that she found it, because this has taught me such an invaluable lesson.

 

The way she treated me after the breakup made me realize her true colors. Yes, I deserve to feel like **** for what I did. But I made some serious moves, life long changes already, recognized what I did, forgave myself, accepted it, and have since moved on interpersonally.

 

She took a bite out of the cake as she pleased, and eventually there was no more cake to eat.

 

I lost it, I pushed her away and drove her insane, because like my instincts told me two weeks ago in the car, we should have NEVER been friends.

 

It sucks that this has happened. But you really need to just give her time to know what she wants. It seems like the relationship wasn't that perfect if she kept having doubts and trust issues with you, so atleast remind yourself of that.

 

You did the right thing by finally letting go and going NC. It's very fresh, so you will be feeling all these emotions and they are normal.

 

You also now know what not to do for your next relationship, everybody makes mistakes and we have to learn from them.

 

My best advice would be to go strict NC, let her reach out if she's willing to forgive you, but you need to try let go, move on, ride the emotional rollercoaster and push through.

[Yummm]

Good man. You will feel up and down, it will be a hell of a ride. Don't fall back into old routine of being friends when you are feeling low. Instead, keep focusing on yourself, turn your phone off and post here.

 

I'm 7 weeks post BU with my 'first love'. I also suffer, but it gets easier. Good days and bad days, albeit today is quite a bad day (hence why i'm posting on LS so much, haha) but it gets better.

 

Chin up mate

[Satu]

Much much much too much drama.

 

Don't take all the blame on your shoulders.

 

She played her part.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[drade]

Thanks. That's what I am doing. I had a better day yesterday. She doesn't want to talk anymore for right now, and neither do I, so I will never be her friend unless its down the road and we have both healed and changed for the better.

 

If we don't talk for a long time, and I still have feelings for her, maybe I will maybe I wont, do I initiate the contact if it were to ever happen?

 

Good man. You will feel up and down, it will be a hell of a ride. Don't fall back into old routine of being friends when you are feeling low. Instead, keep focusing on yourself, turn your phone off and post here.

 

I'm 7 weeks post BU with my 'first love'. I also suffer, but it gets easier. Good days and bad days, albeit today is quite a bad day (hence why i'm posting on LS so much, haha) but it gets better.

 

Chin up mate

[Satu]

T

If we don't talk for a long time, and I still have feelings for her, maybe I will maybe I wont, do I initiate the contact if it were to ever happen?

 

No. It would have to come from her.

[drade]

"Don't take all the blame on your shoulders.

 

She played her part."

 

Thank you, many of my friends say that to me too, and it makes me feel better about the whole situation. It's no surprise to me how I ended up pushing her away, she allowed me to act on my emotions as did I.

 

Way too much drama, absolutely. I will take your advice.

 

Much much much too much drama.

 

Don't take all the blame on your shoulders.

 

She played her part.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Yummm]

Like I've said in previous topics, we don't know what the future holds. But for now, you need not to think about a future with her, think about the PRESENT and the best way for you to heal. How? By strict NC. You want to reach a point where you are fully in control of your emotions towards her (indifference).

 

Only when your emotions have settled can you make the decision of happens next. But to be honest, she left you, if she wants you back, she should approach you.

 

Focus on you mate, not her. Goodluck!