Hes still on Tinder...

[Redhead14]

Thanks. I agree with you 100%. In my last short term rel I did do just that. In the end I didn't think we were compatible and looking back now I think I put too much pressure on what I wanted and wanting to be in a relationship. I was clear and upfront and he wasn't ready for it. When he was ready for it, I was already over him unfortunately and had moved on.

 

Seeing as how this guy has told me that he's guarded already, I don't know if he's even ready to discuss this stuff. Am I? I will have to talk about it soon though b/c you are right, I'm getting very hurt from these assumptions and there is growing resentment. Clearly I am into him and I don't want to even date anyone else. I guess what I really want is him to say these things to me without me having to bring it up myself. I want him to declare it all to me! lol.

 

 

 

I wouldn't ever tell him at this point i'm invested in him. But I am realizing today how much I am. I will have to talk to him, but again I guess I want someone who is willing to risk it FOR ME, instead of the other way around. I feel like I'm always the one who does this, who sets the rules, who asserts myself and what I want and for once I guess I would like someone who wants me enough to do those things for me.

 

I know I'm living in a dream maybe.

 

Everyone is "guarded" especially nowadays. That's what a lot of the threads here are really about in the end. Everybody is scared and looking for ways to be "sure" about anyone/everyone they date. That's why these boards exist.

 

Part of the reason people have become so guarded these days is the fact that there is so much social media interaction and hearing other people's stories, assumptions, generalizations, etc., people looking for THE answer in a virtual world, while dealing with the real world. There is no substitute for communication ever between two people.

 

What did men/women do before they were able to see and hear all the kinds of things that could happen with a dating partner and on such a broad scale? A woman met a man who was a little hesitant (she had no clue or input from the "world view"), she just waited to see how it would unfold PERIOD.

 

Just talk to him. Try to draw him out so that you don't tip your hand, that's all you can do. You really like him, give it a chance. If it's to be, it will be. If he doesn't want to talk or can't talk, he's not a good candidate anyway. You've made the attempt.

[katiegrl]

chica.... I may get flack for this but, if you're not comfortable talking to him just yet (which I totally get your reasoning for not wanting to right now)...this is what I would do.

 

Since he has not brought up being exclusive, has not said or indicated anything to the contrary....and based off the fact he did not do anything for your birthday and he is still on tinder....assume he is dating/possibly having sex with others and pull back. Have you had sex yet? I missed that.

 

If not, then don't yet. If he starts indicating he wants sex....tell him, while you are extremely attracted to him, you are not prepared to have sex with him while he is still dating (and possibly having sex) with other women. That is totally 100% fair -- you need to protect yourself and your heart.

 

IF he's into you and wants a relationship with you...he will (or should) bring up being excusive with you at that time. Without YOU having to say a word....

 

Again, just what I would do....

Edited June 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[Ruru]

Actually being an active tinder user myself (been using it for 7 months or so), I still used it even when I was seeing guys exclusively. It didn't mean that I don't like these guys, even though I used the app still I didn't agree to go on dates with others- because I already had someone I enjoyed spending all my time with. Believe it or not I actually made a couple of platonic friends over tinder that I still enjoy talking to them, some even became close to best friend level, main reason why my guys always understood and didn't mind that I kept using the app.

 

Sometimes I use it to check on the guy that I've been seeing just to see how active he was out of curiosity. But it usually doesn't bother me that much because they usually say they don't use that app much anymore, which is true, sometimes it's just 1-2 weeks ago or even 1 month ago. Sometimes I just like the attention I get from other guys, even if I'm not necessarily interested in them.

 

Have an honest chat with your guy about it, how you guys feel about the whole tinder thing. If you are both into each other and it bothers you, maybe propose that you both delete it at the same time. If he refuses to, then maybe that's a red flag.

[chicaboom]

chica.... I may get flack for this but, if you're not comfortable talking to him just yet (which I totally get your reasoning for not wanting to right now)...this is what I would do.

 

Since he has not brought up being exclusive, has not said or indicated anything to the contrary....and based off the fact he did not do anything for your birthday and he is still on tinder....assume he is dating/possibly having sex with others and pull back. Have you had sex yet? I missed that.

 

If not, then don't yet. If he starts indicating he wants sex....tell him, while you are extremely attracted to him, you are not prepared to have sex with him while he is still dating (and possibly having sex) with other women. That is totally 100% fair -- you need to protect yourself and your heart.

 

IF he's into you and wants a relationship with you...he will (or should) bring up being excusive with you at that time. Without YOU having to say a word....

 

Again, just what I would do....

 

Hey Katie, no we have NOT had sex, and I only have sex normally after exclusivity. He has been good about NOT pressuring me at all for sex, which is why I guess I made all these assumptions about how much I thought he liked me. I am fairly certain that he is not just in it for the sex.

 

But I like your advice and will assume what you suggested as hurtful as it is to think that he could be seeing someone else and being intimate with them.

 

It is honestly the worst.

 

My friend and her now fiance met online and he told her after their 3-4 date that he took down his profile and only wanted to see her. I guess maybe I"m looking for the same declaration:(

[Redhead14]

Hey Katie, no we have NOT had sex, and I only have sex normally after exclusivity. He has been good about NOT pressuring me at all for sex, which is why I guess I made all these assumptions about how much I thought he liked me. I am fairly certain that he is not just in it for the sex.

 

But I like your advice and will assume what you suggested as hurtful as it is to think that he could be seeing someone else and being intimate with them.

 

It is honestly the worst.

 

My friend and her now fiance met online and he told her after their 3-4 date that he took down his profile and only wanted to see her. I guess maybe I"m looking for the same declaration:(

 

My friend and her now fiance met online and he told her after their 3-4 date that he took down his profile and only wanted to see her. I guess maybe I"m looking for the same declaration

 

You aren't dating the same person . . . it would be a lot easier if we all dated clones of our friends boyfriends/fiances/husbands

[chicaboom]

My friend and her now fiance met online and he told her after their 3-4 date that he took down his profile and only wanted to see her. I guess maybe I"m looking for the same declaration

 

You aren't dating the same person . . . it would be a lot easier if we all dated clones of our friends boyfriends/fiances/husbands

 

lol. It really would! All the hard work would be done.

 

God this feeling is the worst.

[katiegrl]

Hey Katie, no we have NOT had sex, and I only have sex normally after exclusivity. He has been good about NOT pressuring me at all for sex, which is why I guess I made all these assumptions about how much I thought he liked me. I am fairly certain that he is not just in it for the sex.

 

 

 

I think it's good he has not pressured you for sex...but has he expressed an interest in having sex with you at least?

 

I mean, not to make you feel worse, but after a month of dating, five dates in... well, imo it's a little unusual for a guy to not bring up at least the possibility of having sex... which might indicate he is having sex with someone else. Assuming he is a normal, red-blooded male who enjoys sex.

 

What nights of the week do you guys see each other? Friday or Saturday nights?

 

In any event....clearly he is not dating you for sex!

[Redhead14]

lol. It really would! All the hard work would be done.

 

God this feeling is the worst.

 

Dating without feelings? Hmmmm To me even the difficult feelings are worth it. It's like having a string of rainy days -- you really appreciate and recognize the nice days when they come.

 

Or, it's like hitting yourself with a hammer because it feels so good when you stop

[Happines]

I think it's a bad sign...I met my boyfriend of 2 years now ex on dating site and found out few months into relationship that being with me for nearly two months he was on a date with other girl and we were exclusive already...

 

It's very hard to meet a very dedicated and nice guy on such site especially tinder because of of the people are there for years and simply for hooking up...if he really like u by now u would b exclusive and there would b no need for him to go on tinder and this is a big one now You would not need to check if he was on it...this shows that u have trust issues with him already and that's bad

[chicaboom]

I think it's good he has not pressured you for sex...but has he expressed an interest in having sex with you at least?

 

I mean, not to make you feel worse, but after a month of dating, five dates in... well, imo it's a little unusual for a guy to not bring up at least the possibility of having sex... which might indicate he is having sex with someone else. Assuming he is a normal, red-blooded male who enjoys sex.

 

What nights of the week do you guys see each other? Friday or Saturday nights?

 

In any event....clearly he is not dating you for sex!

 

Haha yes we make out all the time. We can't keep our hands off each other. He is very respectful with me and I almost wish he would be more aggressive, lol. I've had to show him that I am ok with going further in certain scenarios when we make out. He's said on multiple times, "I don't want to pressure you to do anything you don't want to", and I"m like LET'S DO THIS in my head! haha.

 

We usually see each other saturday or sunday. The last two dates have been on Sunday b/c I've had things on on Saturday.

 

I honestly cannot stop thinking about him. I hate this stage. and I hate how it overwhelms my entire life. I can barely concentrate at work lol.

[Ruru]

Haha yes we make out all the time. We can't keep our hands off each other. He is very respectful with me and I almost wish he would be more aggressive, lol. I've had to show him that I am ok with going further in certain scenarios when we make out. He's said on multiple times, "I don't want to pressure you to do anything you don't want to", and I"m like LET'S DO THIS in my head! haha.

 

We usually see each other saturday or sunday. The last two dates have been on Sunday b/c I've had things on on Saturday.

 

I honestly cannot stop thinking about him. I hate this stage. and I hate how it overwhelms my entire life. I can barely concentrate at work lol.

 

That actually reminds me of my current guy. He was really passive but sweet/considerate at first in the beginning. But 2-3 months go by and he starts to show more aggressiveness/fun, flirts more, etc. I think that comes as he becomes more comfortable with you and possibly liking you more as time passes by. Take the time to enjoy the sweet beginning :')

[CarrieT]

It is what you make it.

 

I don't think he's in it just for the sex, bc he would have bailed by now for sure.

 

Okay, so you can make Tinder be something other than a hook-up site.

 

But in order to do so, both people have to be on the same page and be able to communicate openly and honestly about expectations and desires.

 

You wouldn't be here asking the question about this guy if you had done that. For all you know, he is getting laid via Tinder with other chicks.

[Leigh 87]

You're both falling for each other at different paces. I wouldn't be cool with this, however, mos people don't require some major spark initially from BOTH parties enough to warrant profiles taken down early on. One person is always more into it than the other.

 

You described to us how you felll hard and fast. You're clearly feeling something compelling and you're infatuated ( you think about him all the time you confessed). He, on the other hand, is definitely not infatuated with you. You didn't knock his socks off and he isn't going to fall madly in love with you within three months like is the case for SOME couples ( I do know men who fell head over heels and were in love by three months)

 

The good news is, most relationships begin like this ; one partner is often infatuated and totally enamoured where as the other person is mellow, chill cool and " casual " about where things are going. They LIKE you a lot but they aren't falling fast or hard.

 

So you have every hope of the guy suddenly realising that he's falling for you in a few months. Then again, many men prefer sparks and strong chemistry and passion, which thus guy clearly isn't feeling with you as of yet. Many men don't need to be super excited and infatuated with their partners initially. Many dating experts weren't enamoured or smitten with their partners. So there's a chance that your guy will cease looking for better options or hook ups and realise he prefers to just have you.

 

As it stands, this is a very typical situation where one partner is smitten, wanting to spoil one another for birthdays and wanting to shout out loud that you're together! And the other partner isn't as caught up in their emotions. You can either give your guy a chance to catch up with his feelings or you can leave it and seek out a man who makes his feelings and intentions known.

 

You shouldn't have to make three or more threads about a guy. The right guy will feel easy and put you at ease.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

Do you want a guy who has to date around and possibly, sleep around, before he realises that you're the girl he likes the most?

Or would you rather a guy who knows right away that with you, he * could * be onto something out of the ordinary and immediately looses interest in other women?

 

I am personally not comfortable with men who need to continue to date around and take several dates before they realise they are into me enough to give up browsing the profiles of other women.

 

Please consider the type of relationship YOU want. I'm not content with being " just another girl " my guy has gone on a date with and still isn't that into enough to loose interest in pursuing others.

 

He's on tinder still for a reason don't delude yourself that he's the exceptional guy who REALLY IS just " browsing " or " wanting to meet new friends "

[Keenly]

Leigh that's a false choice. It's not one or the other.

 

 

People assume that because some one is on tinder, they must be dating other people.

 

Not exactly true.

 

I also don't understand why people keep applying rules of exclusivity when that has NOT been established yet.

[katiegrl]

Leigh that's a false choice. It's not one or the other.

 

 

People assume that because some one is on tinder, they must be dating other people.

 

Not exactly true.

 

I also don't understand why people keep applying rules of exclusivity when that has NOT been established yet.

 

 

It's a natural assumption Keenly.

 

And chica (the OP) isn't applying any "rules of exclusivity." She's not making any "demands" on him...asking him to STOP checking Tinder or even stop dating other women.

 

She's in a different place emotionally...which is OKAY. It's up to her what she wants to do....talk to him, pull back, wait for him to catch up, or stop seeing him altogether.....all of which are OKAY and fair to both her and the guy she's dating....

[pewpew]

If it's still a relatively new thing between you two I wouldn't look too much into it.

 

If however you had been dating for a while and they were still using Tinder that would be a bit of a red flag to me and would probably hint that they weren't as heavily invested in the relationship.

[kendahke]

 

I haven't been on Tinder since i met him b/c I like him so much. It's such a horrible feeling to think that he's still dating other people. I'm not sure how to act when I see him next:(

 

don't expect him to do as you would do. He's not you. He hasn't made any declaration to you. He may still be looking--and you should still be looking.

 

If you want to take yourself off the market, then do so, but don't do it thinking that it means he has to do the same thing because he doesn't. If he feels compelled to get off of Tinder, he'll do it of his own volition.

 

Act like he's just a guy you're getting to know--someone you have no claim on nor he on you. Squash your expectations because they're going to put you further away from what you want right now.

[katiegrl]

don't expect him to do as you would do. He's not you. He hasn't made any declaration to you. He may still be looking--and you should still be looking.

 

If you want to take yourself off the market, then do so, but don't do it thinking that it means he has to do the same thing because he doesn't. If he feels compelled to get off of Tinder, he'll do it of his own volition.

 

Act like he's just a guy you're getting to know--someone you have no claim on nor he on you. Squash your expectations because they're going to put you further away from what you want right now.

 

This is good advice.

 

chica, trust in the connection YOU have with him...and forget about any other women he "may" be dating. That's between him and them...not you OR the connection YOU have with him....and vice versa.

 

Obviously, he is very much into you. He is still taking you out (on weekends no less)...you guys are making out like crazy...clearly there is a strong attraction so focus on THAT. And forget everything else...or try to.

 

That's what I did with my boyfriend when we first started dating. Of course we clarified we were both "single daters" when we met, so that helped ease my mind...but one never truly knows.

 

It takes time to fully trust. In the meantime, enjoy each other, have fun....and be patient. What's meant to be will be.

Edited June 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

This is good advice.

 

chica, trust in the connection YOU have with him...and forget about any other women he "may" be dating. That's between him and them...not you OR the connection YOU have with him....and vice versa.

 

What's meant to be will be.

 

I agree. You just have to put your best foot forward. You wouldn't walk away from a guy just because of the uncertainty when otherwise he has been treating you with respect and you have a good time together, would you? That's all that's going on here. It's so new and fresh; there's uncertainty because not everything is on the table yet, possibly different timetables, possibly different goals. If this uncertainty is starting to overwhelm you or color your interactions, well then time to have a talk with him.

 

I still think it's possible that he was on Tinder to check what you were doing or it doesn't mean that whoever else he was checking in on was more crucial to his dating life than you are. Most guys don't have this figured out 5 weeks in anyway. They just know if they enjoy their time with you or not. He is seeing you regularly so it seems like he does. I think it's best to let a guy approach you with the exclusivity talk otherwise they can feel rushed or panic and make a bad decision. That said, as someone pointed out, you can just make it a natural discussion when sex comes up. That's normal and reasonable and you should do. At 5 weeks in, I would think that will come up pretty soon now. Good luck

[Leigh 87]

It's a natural assumption Keenly.

 

And chica (the OP) isn't applying any "rules of exclusivity." She's not making any "demands" on him...asking him to STOP checking Tinder or even stop dating other women.

 

She's in a different place emotionally...which is OKAY. It's up to her what she wants to do....talk to him, pull back, wait for him to catch up, or stop seeing him altogether.....all of which are OKAY and fair to both her and the guy she's dating....

 

 

You have lived it Katie. You and your boyfriend were wildly attracted to one another from the get go and you had enough of a spark to lose interest in other people and focus on each other.

 

It's a normal thing to want.

 

His way of going about things wouldn't be satisfactory to ME. And the OP has made a few threads about him in the short time that they have dated so she's obviously wanting more verbal affirmation from him.

 

I have a success story: my mates boyfriend kept his online profiles a month into daring. He still fell heels for her. He just hadn't been bothered deleting profiles.

[katiegrl]

chica....think of it like this.

 

 

I am working at a job that I absolutely LOVE. However, that doesn't stop me from still checking out the classifieds on line from time to time.

 

 

I think it's human nature to be curious even though one has NO INTENTION of applying for any of those jobs....or if it's on line dating, pursuing other chicks.

 

 

The difference between being curious about other jobs...and being curious about other women, is the emotional element for the person you are currently dating....should that person find out.

 

 

Of course, if my job discovered I was still browsing the classifieds, I am sure they wouldn't be thrilled...but there is no emotional element involved...no feelings of rejection.

 

 

But there is essentially no difference really. It's curiosity...assuming he's only looking.

 

 

Or perhaps he is only looking to see if YOU are on. That's what YOU were doing after all.

 

 

Or, he could be dating others...but that's when you trust in the connection YOU have with him, and don't worry about anyone or anything else...

Edited June 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[h0000]

4 days ago is a long time. Why is it not good enough for you? I'd be happy if I were you. He wasn't online 4 hours ago!

I find you a little bit too demanding to be honest, together with your bday post

[chicaboom]

chica....think of it like this.

 

 

I am working at a job that I absolutely LOVE. However, that doesn't stop me from still checking out the classifieds on line from time to time.

 

 

I think it's human nature to be curious even though one has NO INTENTION of applying for any of those jobs....or if it's on line dating, pursuing other chicks.

 

 

The difference between being curious about other jobs...and being curious about other women, is the emotional element for the person you are currently dating....should that person find out.

 

 

Of course, if my job discovered I was still browsing the classifieds, I am sure they wouldn't be thrilled...but there is no emotional element involved...no feelings of rejection.

 

 

But there is essentially no difference really. It's curiosity...assuming he's only looking.

 

 

Or perhaps he is only looking to see if YOU are on. That's what YOU were doing after all.

 

 

Or, he could be dating others...but that's when you trust in the connection YOU have with him, and don't worry about anyone or anything else...

 

Thanks Katie. Appreciate the good advice. I think that is a good analogy. I feel better now after having time away to NOT think about things. haha. I just tend to overanalyze and I'm ok for now. I think the next few weeks will be enlightening and I'll find out either way how he really feels about me.

 

For now though I do feel like he's interested and cares about me to a degree. I enjoy spending time with him, and I think he does too, otherwise he would spend time with me every weekend.

 

 

4 days ago is a long time. Why is it not good enough for you? I'd be happy if I were you. He wasn't online 4 hours ago!

I find you a little bit too demanding to be honest, together with your bday post

 

I question whether I am too demanding, while also making sure I am not settling or selling myself short. I want the best for myself and I have seen successful relationships blossoms, health ones so I want to aspire to that I suppose.

 

I think I do need to compare this guy less and just focus on our experience more rather than comparing him to other guys that I think are amazing, b/c in truth he is pretty amazing himself.

 

I also realize that the bday thing, I never really invited him to my bday party, mostly b/c I feel like it's too soon for him to meet all my friends, but he might ahve been hurt b/c I didn't invite him. I'm not sure.

[Emilia]

Don't be afraid of being demanding. Assert yourself.