chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I've been seeing a guy for a month, once a week, we text everyday. And today I went on tinder curious to see if he had been on. And he was on 4 days ago:( probably not a good sign right? I'm really bummed b/c I really like him:( It's so hurtful. I know people will say it's still relatively knew, we have had no talk of exclusivity, but it's still hurtful. I thought he really liked me too:(
Keenly Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Why do you assume that activity on tinder 4 days ago means he doesn't like you? You were on tinder too, looking at Him. So...... 5
MidwestUSA Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I think in your thread about him not getting you a birthday gift, many suggested he wasn't as invested in you as you are in him. So, it's true. Until you have declared exclusivity, consider yourselves both to be multidating. Don't assume otherwise. For all you know, he was on a date with someone else the night of your birthday. Harsh, but possible. So sorry. 2
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Why do you assume that activity on tinder 4 days ago means he doesn't like you? You were on tinder too, looking at Him. So...... Ya I guess. I just assumed that guys wouldn't really go on tinder to check on whether the girl they are seeing have been online. They would mostly be online checking out other girls. I really hate this online stuff, lol. It's such a mind ****. I haven't been on Tinder since i met him b/c I like him so much. It's such a horrible feeling to think that he's still dating other people. I'm not sure how to act when I see him next:(
losangelena Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I've been seeing a guy for a month, once a week, we text everyday. And today I went on tinder curious to see if he had been on. And he was on 4 days ago:( probably not a good sign right? I'm really bummed b/c I really like him:( It's so hurtful. I know people will say it's still relatively knew, we have had no talk of exclusivity, but it's still hurtful. I thought he really liked me too:( LOL, OP you might want to go take a gander at your last thread. It's become quite the discussion. So, I guess the fact that he didn't do anything for your b-day, and he's still on tinder tells you something. Have you guys slept together yet? Have you talked to him about exclusivity? It'd be great to get a few more answers, instead of you posting and running. 1
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I think in your thread about him not getting you a birthday gift, many suggested he wasn't as invested in you as you are in him. So, it's true. Until you have declared exclusivity, consider yourselves both to be multidating. Don't assume otherwise. For all you know, he was on a date with someone else the night of your birthday. Harsh, but possible. So sorry. So true. I guess I should take a step back and not get too invested yet. I've tried multi dating and I don't really like it. In the early stages it's probably ok, but a month in with this guy and i don't even want to go on another date with anyone else. Appreciate the hard truth, sometimes it's hard for me to stop myself from getting ahead of myself when I really like someone:( i"ll pull back a bit and maybe not see him this weekend so I can regroup.
CarrieT Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Tinder is a hook-up site - not a dating/relationship site - so why would you assume that a guy you met there would be relationship material? He was there for a hook-up so why should he stop looking for more sex? Conversely, he may not think you are relationship material because, ostensibly, you were there for the same reason. 3
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 LOL, OP you might want to go take a gander at your last thread. It's become quite the discussion. So, I guess the fact that he didn't do anything for your b-day, and he's still on tinder tells you something. Have you guys slept together yet? Have you talked to him about exclusivity? It'd be great to get a few more answers, instead of you posting and running. Oh! haha I had no idea it's b/c such a huge thread. I"ll have to check it out after this. No we have not slept together yet, we have not talked about exclusivity. I guess through his actions (texting everyday, him initiating all our dates, taking me on really amazing day trips etc) I thought maybe he was really into me. I have never really been treated so well before. 1
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Tinder is a hook-up site - not a dating/relationship site - so why would you assume that a guy you met there would be relationship material? He was there for a hook-up so why should he stop looking for more sex? Conversely, he may not think you are relationship material because, ostensibly, you were there for the same reason. I disagree. I've had 2 great relationships from Tinder. It's not just a hook up app. It is what you make it. I don't think he's in it just for the sex, bc he would have bailed by now for sure. 2
losangelena Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Oh! haha I had no idea it's b/c such a huge thread. I"ll have to check it out after this. No we have not slept together yet, we have not talked about exclusivity. I guess through his actions (texting everyday, him initiating all our dates, taking me on really amazing day trips etc) I thought maybe he was really into me. I have never really been treated so well before. Well, then I don't think he's necessarily NOT into you, you all just haven't moved into more serious waters. I mean, y'all have been seeing each other every weekend—that's prime daring time. I dunno, I wouldn't write him off just yet. Edited to add: my BF and I both still had our dating profiles up for a couple of months into dating, but neither of us saw anybody else during that time. So just because he hasn't taken it down doesn't mean he's seeing others. 2
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Well, then I don't think he's necessarily NOT into you, you all just haven't moved into more serious waters. I mean, y'all have been seeing each other every weekend—that's prime daring time. I dunno, I wouldn't write him off just yet. Ya I guess I"m just really hurt that he was on tinder. I mean like the other poster said I don't know why he was on, b/c I also went on to look at him. I guess I've been disappointed so many times I am assuming the very worst. I guess this goes to show how much I like him. I'm just so incredibly hurt even though I know we have not talked about exclusivity and he has every right to be multi dating:(
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Edited to add: my BF and I both still had our dating profiles up for a couple of months into dating, but neither of us saw anybody else during that time. So just because he hasn't taken it down doesn't mean he's seeing others. Did you still go online to check out other people during that time? and did you guys have a final talk about exclusivity and mutually decide to take down your profiles? i'm not sure how this online dating stuff works.
Mrin Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Ya I guess. I just assumed that guys wouldn't really go on tinder to check on whether the girl they are seeing have been online. They would mostly be online checking out other girls. Of course guys do that. It always cracks me up when women find guys that they're dating have been on their OLD site and assume the worst. Ya, often times it is. But sometimes it is just them checking up on you. There is a distinct chance that he's grumbling into his cereal about you being active on Tinder right now... /facepalm 6
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Of course guys do that. It always cracks me up when women find guys that they're dating have been on their OLD site and assume the worst. Ya, often times it is. But sometimes it is just them checking up on you. **There is a distinct chance that he's grumbling into his cereal about you being active on Tinder right now.***.. /facepalm That is an excellent point! chicaboom....me thinks it's time for a good heart-to-heart....
losangelena Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I guess I've been disappointed so many times I am assuming the very worst. I guess this goes to show how much I like him. I'm just so incredibly hurt even though I know we have not talked about exclusivity and he has every right to be multi dating:( I know it's hard not to, but by assuming the worst of this guy really is doing both of you a disservice. Everytime something like this happens, little seeds of doubt are sown in your mind, and they pepper your interactions. Yes, you feel hurt, but you're also correct in saying that he has a right to see others if y'all aren't exclusive. I think keeping that as the forefront reality in your mind will take you a long way in not feeling as hurt. Keep an open mind about him—he's neither the worst (still seeing others) or the best (knock him off the pedestal). 1
sunshine2 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Yea its too soon to be hurt, though we women do become attached quickly. Glad you haven't had sex yet, thats a good sign that he's not in it for that only. Is he still texting you daily and making plans for the weekend? The birthday thing - meh I wouldn't be worried about that its much too soon for presents, you barely know each other. A flower would of been nice, but I wouldn't of expected it. My birthday was Monday. Ive been dating this guy for almost 4 months and we had a BBQ at my house, really mellow, and he bought me a basketball, which is what I asked for. LOL, so nothing too mushy or outwardly romantic, but nice anyway. Ya I guess I"m just really hurt that he was on tinder. I mean like the other poster said I don't know why he was on, b/c I also went on to look at him. I guess I've been disappointed so many times I am assuming the very worst. I guess this goes to show how much I like him. I'm just so incredibly hurt even though I know we have not talked about exclusivity and he has every right to be multi dating:(
katiegrl Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I know it's hard not to, but by assuming the worst of this guy really is doing both of you a disservice. Everytime something like this happens, little seeds of doubt are sown in your mind, and they pepper your interactions. Yes, you feel hurt, but you're also correct in saying that he has a right to see others if y'all aren't exclusive. I think keeping that as the forefront reality in your mind will take you a long way in not feeling as hurt. Keep an open mind about him—he's neither the worst (still seeing others) or the best (knock him off the pedestal). He may NOT be seeing others.....see Mrin's recent post. chica, the only way to know for sure is to talk to him.....sooner rather than later. Don't assume anything. Uncertainty goes both ways....women don't have the market cornered on that. 1
losangelena Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Did you still go online to check out other people during that time? and did you guys have a final talk about exclusivity and mutually decide to take down your profiles? i'm not sure how this online dating stuff works. I wouldn't actively look, as in I didn't look around for others to date. Sometimes when I was board I'd just flip through there and look, or I'd go on to read messages. I typically didn't reply, except in the case of one that was quite heartfelt, and I simply let him know that I was seeing how things went with my guy. We never actually "declared" exclusivity. I took my profile down after a couple of months, when I felt it appropriate, and he took his down a couple of weeks after. Then we had a brief discussion about it and that was that The caveat in all this being, I was comfortable not to bring it up. I knew his dating history, and that he had never had much luck on OLD, so the likelihood that he was still trying to get dates was very small. If YOU feel uncomfortable with your guy still being on tinder, I agree with Katie—it's time for a talk. 4
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I know it's hard not to, but by assuming the worst of this guy really is doing both of you a disservice. Everytime something like this happens, little seeds of doubt are sown in your mind, and they pepper your interactions. Yes, you feel hurt, but you're also correct in saying that he has a right to see others if y'all aren't exclusive. I think keeping that as the forefront reality in your mind will take you a long way in not feeling as hurt. Keep an open mind about him—he's neither the worst (still seeing others) or the best (knock him off the pedestal). Thanks losangelena. I really like the advice you give me on my multiple threads, lol. I think that your advice is objective, fair and honest. I think you are right that maybe i have him on this pedestal, which I realize is also not easy for anyone to live up to. I will keep that in mind that he has every right to see other people. I think it will also help me feel less attached. He may NOT be seeing others.....see Mrin's recent post. chica, the only way to know for sure is to talk to him.....sooner rather than later. Don't assume anything. Uncertainty goes both ways....women don't have the market cornered on that. I feel like it's far too early to have the exclusivity talk. I am also very guarded and knowing what i know now. I would prefer for him to be the one to bring up the exclusivity talk. I think I need to detach myself a bit b/c I am far too attached to him at the moment. I realize this now reading everyone's posts and advice. I have (once again) over invested myself too soon:( I wouldn't actively look, as in I didn't look around for others to date. Sometimes when I was board I'd just flip through there and look, or I'd go on to read messages. I typically didn't reply, except in the case of one that was quite heartfelt, and I simply let him know that I was seeing how things went with my guy. We never actually "declared" exclusivity. I took my profile down after a couple of months, when I felt it appropriate, and he took his down a couple of weeks after. Then we had a brief discussion about it and that was that The caveat in all this being, I was comfortable not to bring it up. I knew his dating history, and that he had never had much luck on OLD, so the likelihood that he was still trying to get dates was very small. If YOU feel uncomfortable with your guy still being on tinder, I agree with Katie—it's time for a talk. I don't really know how to bring this up. It's weird for me to say "so I went on tinder to see if you were on tinder, are still seeing others on tinder?" awkward. ugh. Of course guys do that. It always cracks me up when women find guys that they're dating have been on their OLD site and assume the worst. Ya, often times it is. But sometimes it is just them checking up on you. There is a distinct chance that he's grumbling into his cereal about you being active on Tinder right now... /facepalm Haha I hope so! I'm not sure where he stands now and am thoroughly confused. I guess I'll just see how the next few weeks go and I'm sure something will come to light. It's the worst when you really REALLY like someone and thinking that yup, they may just not be that into you:( teaches me a lesson for getting ahead of myself again. But he's still in the running:) I don't think anything that i've had "issues" with are dealbreakers just yet.
Emilia Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I don't understand why you don't just talk to the guy. It's been a month, he must know whether he likes you enough. 3
brandonstellar Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 He could've been checking up on you? It could also just be out of habit or he wasn't thinking when he was going onto Tinder. Maybe talk to him about it? Tell it that if he wants to get serious then he needs to get off Tinder. 1
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I don't understand why you don't just talk to the guy. It's been a month, he must know whether he likes you enough. I don't know if a month is enough. I don't even know if a month is enough for me tbh. I tend to fall hard and fast, so I will just keep going along playing it cautious understanding that he could be seeing other people. I myself unfortunately don't want to see anyone else, lol. So I guess I will just have to suffer in silence, lol.
losangelena Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 So I guess I will just have to suffer in silence, lol. OP, I get this mindset—I'm more apt to "suffer in silence," too. But really, why do that? I mean, I know why I don't like to speak up sometimes—don't want to rock the boat, or don't know want to know the truth (which, in this case could be that he's seeing other girls and is really "not that into you."). But again, what good does that do you (or me, or anyone who chooses to operate this way)? You don't bring it up; you "suffer in silence," but they key word here is SUFFER. This uncertainty hurts you. You're unwilling to deal with in directly, and instead you pull out the ledger sheet and start ticking off boxes next to his behavior—"didn't get me anything for my birthday, check; still has a profile on Tinder, check," and because you don't ask him what's up, you make all kinds of assumptions about his behavior, and it's through these assumptions that you're getting hurt. There's nothing wrong with asserting yourself in a relationship. I've been learning that slowly as well. Yes, it's hard and scary, but finding out the truth of the situation now is better than stewing in it. That will only cause unnecessary hurt, resentment towards him and distrust. Neither of you need that. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I don't know if a month is enough. I don't even know if a month is enough for me tbh. I tend to fall hard and fast, so I will just keep going along playing it cautious understanding that he could be seeing other people. I myself unfortunately don't want to see anyone else, lol. So I guess I will just have to suffer in silence, lol. The first thing you need to get clear about with him is what it is he wants out of his dating experiences. Is he dating for a relationship? If he isn't and you are, you're not on the same page to start with so move on now. And, yes, he could say he is dating for a relationship because he assumes women want that so tell you want to hear, but then that's where your dating and observation skills come in. I think it's too soon to tell him you're "invested" in him especially since you haven't slept together, but it's not too soon to tell each other what your goals are. If the goals aren't the same, nothing else matters anyway at this point.
Author chicaboom Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 OP, I get this mindset—I'm more apt to "suffer in silence," too. But really, why do that? I mean, I know why I don't like to speak up sometimes—don't want to rock the boat, or don't know want to know the truth (which, in this case could be that he's seeing other girls and is really "not that into you."). But again, what good does that do you (or me, or anyone who chooses to operate this way)? You don't bring it up; you "suffer in silence," but they key word here is SUFFER. This uncertainty hurts you. You're unwilling to deal with in directly, and instead you pull out the ledger sheet and start ticking off boxes next to his behavior—"didn't get me anything for my birthday, check; still has a profile on Tinder, check," and because you don't ask him what's up, you make all kinds of assumptions about his behavior, and it's through these assumptions that you're getting hurt. There's nothing wrong with asserting yourself in a relationship. I've been learning that slowly as well. Yes, it's hard and scary, but finding out the truth of the situation now is better than stewing in it. That will only cause unnecessary hurt, resentment towards him and distrust. Neither of you need that. Thanks. I agree with you 100%. In my last short term rel I did do just that. In the end I didn't think we were compatible and looking back now I think I put too much pressure on what I wanted and wanting to be in a relationship. I was clear and upfront and he wasn't ready for it. When he was ready for it, I was already over him unfortunately and had moved on. Seeing as how this guy has told me that he's guarded already, I don't know if he's even ready to discuss this stuff. Am I? I will have to talk about it soon though b/c you are right, I'm getting very hurt from these assumptions and there is growing resentment. Clearly I am into him and I don't want to even date anyone else. I guess what I really want is him to say these things to me without me having to bring it up myself. I want him to declare it all to me! lol. The first thing you need to get clear about with him is what it is he wants out of his dating experiences. Is he dating for a relationship? If he isn't and you are, you're not on the same page to start with so move on now. And, yes, he could say he is dating for a relationship because he assumes women want that so tell you want to hear, but then that's where your dating and observation skills come in. I think it's too soon to tell him you're "invested" in him especially since you haven't slept together, but it's not too soon to tell each other what your goals are. If the goals aren't the same, nothing else matters anyway at this point. I wouldn't ever tell him at this point i'm invested in him. But I am realizing today how much I am. I will have to talk to him, but again I guess I want someone who is willing to risk it FOR ME, instead of the other way around. I feel like I'm always the one who does this, who sets the rules, who asserts myself and what I want and for once I guess I would like someone who wants me enough to do those things for me. I know I'm living in a dream maybe.
Recommended Posts