I found the love of my life but I don't love her anymore. Should I break up?

[sam77]

Hello my dear friends out there, my name is Sam. Let me tell you a love story without happy end.

 

As a teenager I never had really much success with women. I look pretty average and I am somewhat shy. After I got 18 I met this one girl, she was 17 and very beautiful. It was love on the first sight for both of us, we came together on the second date. The following months were the most beautiful, enjoyable and luckiest times I've ever experienced in my whole life. Before that I didn't even believe that a human being is able to feel such a happiness. We had amazing sex (she was a virgin before), laughed and just loved each other incredibly strong. We promised each other featly, honesty and love for the rest of our lives. I have so many pictures from these times, it was just true and deep love. She gave me everything I ever wanted.

 

Unfortunately in these times I was insane jealous. I prohibited her everything, told her to stay away from all male friends, to not go clubbing and similar because I was so much afraid of her meeting another man. I hated myself for being that jealous, but I could't do anything it just dominated me. She really tried to understand it and did everything for me to feel better, but at the end she just wasn't able to understand and continued meeting her male friends without telling me, she didn't actually cheat me but she did a few things behind my back. That hurt me so much, it broke my pink glasses from one second to another, I lost my entire trust in her. In the following 1-2 years we argued and fighted a lot, cried, we even broke up for a few weeks two or three times. She tried everything to make it undone, I know that she felt so sorry for it but my feelings were gone and I was just angry and sad.

 

After around 3 years things settled down a bit, my jealousy got on a normal level and we started building a relationship that was stronger than ever before. My trust grew from day to day. Years went by, we moved together, had a lot of wonderful holidays together, my family loves her like they love me and I also have a very good relationship to her parents and her friends. In the first years we talked a lot about having children together, marrying, getting old with each other. And she is still talking a lot about the future, she still wants to marry me. If I had to describe her now I would describe her as the perfect woman I've always been dreaming of since I was a child. She is 100% faithful, we don't fight anymore, we have more or less the same interests and opinions about most of things, she still looks very hot and actually I am not able to find reasons why she wouldn't be perfect for me. If I'd still love her like I did before I would marry her tomorrow.

 

Unfortunately my feelings for her never got back on the same level like they were before, not even close. I still love her pretty much but it isn't the same love as it was before. I know that her feelings also aren't the same as before our bad times, though she always tells me that she loves me like on the first day. But I can feel it. We are together for more than six years now, we can talk about everything, we really trust each other and a lot of people would consider what we have a perfect relationship. But I feel like she is my best friend, I don't love her anymore, I don't desire her anymore. If I look at her I don't feel anything. I feel empty.

 

Please understand that I am crying while writing this text, somewhere deep in my heart I still have very strong feelings for her. She is my soulmate, my one and everything, I want her to be happy for the rest of her life and it would kill me if I had to hurt her. But I have this growing feeling of wasting my youth, I am so much afraid of never being happy again like in the times when I met her. Often before I go to sleep I pray to god to give us back these feelings, but I know that it will never be again like that. She is so beautiful, so perfect, all 've ever been dreaming of but I am not happy anymore, I don't love her anymore and I feel so bad about that.

 

I am now 24 years old and I feel like I've reached my end, I got stuck at the point were my pink glasses broke. Everyday I feel so stupid, so angry about myself, I have wasted and broken the most beautiful relationship with my stupid jealousy. I really hate myself for that. Thoughts are struggling in my mind every day, should I break up and maybe never be happy again because I've lost the love of my life? Or should I stay together with here and maybe never be happy again because I didn't have the courage to start a new life and let everything behind me? This decision is stressing me for about three years now, every day. Please help me. I would give everything to feel such a deep love again.

 

In the past two years I started looking for other women, started flirting again, but I actually never had something serious with another woman. I don't know why I did that, maybe I was hoping that this would lead me somewhere, or maybe I just wanted to forget everything. Then yesterday I kissed another girl (god will judge me for that) but it felt so great. I felt desired again, I felt like a man, my libido got strong like years ago.

 

I tried to talk with her about that whole topic a few times in the past three years, but she only starts crying and tells me that she still loves me.

[Yummm]

Its hard to read but looks like you've clearly already checked out of the relationship.

 

You have hooked up with other women whilst your still in a relationship? That's not cool. This girl will be broken but you have to be as honest as possible and end it with her if you really feel like you say you do.

 

You're meant to grow to love, if you've grown apart then clearly are wanting to experience other people and the RS isn't for you.

 

Goodluck with the future, and be gentle to this girl.

[d0nnivain]

If you don't love her any more she is not the love of your life. She was teenaged romance that went on too long. Most people don't find their life partner at 18.

 

 

Yes you two have been through a lot but especially because she put up with so much jealous controlling BS from you, she deserves to be with a man who worships her. If you are not that guy, let her go & stop holding her back.

 

 

FWIW, its unlikely that you will find anybody as good as her so be very sure when you break up with her. Consider relationship counseling before you throw her away due to GIGS. Once you end this, she's not coming back after you realize you made a mistake.

[Mrin]

A few things:

 

1. People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is up to you to determine which it is.

 

2. Normally, when I see a relationship post mention first getting together during your teenage years I am quick to dismiss it as anything super long lived. But for some reason your story strikes me as different. Perhaps it is because of how you lived since you met.

 

3. Clean up your sh*t: don't go flirting and kissing on other women until you get this cleaned up first. Believe me, you don't need raging hormones for some other lady while you're trying to figure out your LTR.

 

All that being said, I want you to try on each of these two ideas below and see what resonates

 

Puppy Love: What you are describing as deep love and attraction before your "bad times" is just obsession and the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Puppy love if you will. You were so young when you experienced it you don't have any context so you can't recognize it. What you were feeling is normal in every relationship but it is also fleeting. Now you've outgrown that and simply don't feel love for this woman anymore. This is also normal for relationships that start at this age. Best to break up gently and move on.

 

Real Love: What you were feeling before the bad times was indeed real love and affection. However, during your fits of jealousy and conflict with your girlfriend, you ended up building all sorts of neural networks in your brain around protecting yourself. You essentially talked yourself out of loving this woman in a reaction to protecting yourself from betrayal. These are stout defenses let me assure you. If you want to find that love again you need to be prepared to completely dismantled these defenses and make yourself open and vulnerable like you once were. You need to change you way of thinking about her. You need to change who you are for her and who she is for you. You should consider couples counseling. You essentially need to declare war on these defenses you erected and move forward with a devout intention to find and redevelop that romantic spark you once felt and that path lies through your vulnerability.

 

Okay, so which feels more right? Best of luck dude!

[sandylee1]

End the relationship now , so you can both go and find true love elsewhere . Keeping her, when you no longer love her is wasting time. That will make her resent and hate you .

 

Let her go and find a man who wants to marry her . You are not that guy.

[GoBlue]

I am now 24 years old and I feel like I've reached my end, I got stuck at the point were my pink glasses broke. Everyday I feel so stupid, so angry about myself, I have wasted and broken the most beautiful relationship with my stupid jealousy. I really hate myself for that.

 

So, what are you going to do about this jealousy? Do you think it's going to magically vanish away when you get into a relationship with another woman? You talk about this girl as though she is your "soul mate" and that "you love her with all of your heart" but at the same time you say you know that the old "feelings will never come back again." Honestly, you may not know the difference between infatuation and love. Love is a choice and is a relationship, infatuation is a feeling and it is short-lived. The fact that you needed to kiss another girl just to feel "desired again" outlines an issue which you will have to deal with as you move forward in life - relationships require intentionality. Love is a commitment and it is a choice. Love understands that there are some moments when the feelings are hot and strong and other moments when it's not so much, but it still makes the choice to stay committed to the process. Do what's best for your girlfriend, nobody deserves to be "led-on" and you will help her avoid a much deeper hurt later on if you go-ahead and marry her.

 

Men often make rash decisions based on sexual feelings (I am a man), often thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and then coming face-to-face with this reality - IT REALLY ISN'T! There is coming a day when you will look back and think to yourself, "what was I thinking?" But it will be too late. I hope you come to terms with the fact that sex isn't love and that it happens soon. I also hope you see that passion isn't for the purpose of controlling someone else (i.e., jealousy). Love is given as a choice by the giver and it is received in the same manner. The truly magical and loving relationships are those that honor one another even when feelings aren't as hot as they used to be and they put the effort back into rekindling those feelings instead of turning to someone else. Good luck.