Tater Salad Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 It has been nine months since my gf of 3 years dumped me. It wasn't a big shocker, she was slipping away during the last year, but damn it hurt. I relied heavily on these forums for support, but really I was searching for a glimmer of hope that she might come back. I mean, we were in love, right? So many people had great advice. Move on, forget about her, work on yourself, etc. Yeah right! The pain was unbearable, I wanted to die, I wanted to just be in her arms or just wake up from this nightmare. It didn't help that she was so mean and cold, and treated me like an abusive criminal that was stalking her or bothering her. She unfriended me on social media, blocked my number, threatened to call the police. I did nothing but try to save the relationship, like a normal, loving partner would. Once I saw how much she was not acting like herself, and how vicious she was acting, I backed away. The hours wore on. The days wore on. The weeks wore on. The months wore on... I tried dating. It made me feel more lonely. Casual sex made me feel even worse. Rejection made me feel like she was right. I suck. But guess what? I don't suck, she does. I realized her callousness, her coldness, her anger, her venom was proof that she DID love me. She put up a front like she was happier without me, posted sexy pics on FB, acted like she was having the time of her life. She acted like a victim, creating a support group of people that thought I was a monster that she HAD to get away from. This was proof to me that she had a difficult time pulling the plug on us. I realize now, that I am good being alone. I don't need to be with someone to be happy, and when the time is right, I will be loved and I will love again. I still think about her everyday. But instead of the pain being unbearable, it is like a tiny cut on my finger that only hurts when I pick at it. I still pick at it. But now it is a reminder of how far I have come. Like they say in the movie Swingers, you sort of miss the pain. It means that you have loved, and you can be loved. What I am getting at is, if you have just been dumped, and your ex is being cold and hurtful, and act like they don't even like you, it is complete and utter bull****. It just shows how hard it was to leave you, and I am sure they will question it every time they think of you. And they WILL think of you. My advice: FEEL the pain. Experience the pain. Process the pain. Don't cover it up with alcohol, drugs, or sex. Those are just band aids that you will have to remove eventually, and it hurts when you rip them off. You will meet someone that will make you embarrassed that you were so depressed and defeated by your ex. I'm not 100% yet, but getting closer all of the time. Remember, you can be loved again. 9
SycamoreCircle Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I remember reading something that said the actual pain lasts for a minute, then all of the pain you feel after that is generated by you. It's also ironic how all of the "hate" they have towards you transmutes. Years down the line when something relents and they start to feel fondness and gratitude for you, it is when nothing is on the line anymore. You have moved on. They have moved on. I will say this, though...some people sure do make obstacles for themselves. 1
GoBlue Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Women often respond with "meanness and coldness" as a defense to protect their heart. You are right, if she didn't care about you the response wouldn't be so strong and so emotional. She has, however, made her choice and that choice must be honored. No need to over analyze or try to figure out whether she still has feelings for you or not. Embrace the hurt, finish the grieving process, and move on wiser and ready for a healthy relationship. Good luck to you! 1
tom1666 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I honestly really enjoyed reading this post - mainly because I can relate, an so many others can. A great perspective on things. It's nice to read something so negative turn into something more positive for people like me, I've been here a few times now. I understand the pain you feel...it does get easier over time. That much is true. 1
mightycpa Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 It has been nine months since my gf of 3 years dumped me. It wasn't a big shocker, she was slipping away during the last year, but damn it hurt. I relied heavily on these forums for support, but really I was searching for a glimmer of hope that she might come back. I mean, we were in love, right? So many people had great advice. Move on, forget about her, work on yourself, etc. Yeah right! The pain was unbearable, I wanted to die, I wanted to just be in her arms or just wake up from this nightmare. It didn't help that she was so mean and cold, and treated me like an abusive criminal that was stalking her or bothering her. She unfriended me on social media, blocked my number, threatened to call the police. I did nothing but try to save the relationship, like a normal, loving partner would. Once I saw how much she was not acting like herself, and how vicious she was acting, I backed away. The hours wore on. The days wore on. The weeks wore on. The months wore on... I tried dating. It made me feel more lonely. Casual sex made me feel even worse. Rejection made me feel like she was right. I suck. But guess what? I don't suck, she does. I realized her callousness, her coldness, her anger, her venom was proof that she DID love me. She put up a front like she was happier without me, posted sexy pics on FB, acted like she was having the time of her life. She acted like a victim, creating a support group of people that thought I was a monster that she HAD to get away from. This was proof to me that she had a difficult time pulling the plug on us. I realize now, that I am good being alone. I don't need to be with someone to be happy, and when the time is right, I will be loved and I will love again. I still think about her everyday. But instead of the pain being unbearable, it is like a tiny cut on my finger that only hurts when I pick at it. I still pick at it. But now it is a reminder of how far I have come. Like they say in the movie Swingers, you sort of miss the pain. It means that you have loved, and you can be loved. What I am getting at is, if you have just been dumped, and your ex is being cold and hurtful, and act like they don't even like you, it is complete and utter bull****. It just shows how hard it was to leave you, and I am sure they will question it every time they think of you. And they WILL think of you. My advice: FEEL the pain. Experience the pain. Process the pain. Don't cover it up with alcohol, drugs, or sex. Those are just band aids that you will have to remove eventually, and it hurts when you rip them off. You will meet someone that will make you embarrassed that you were so depressed and defeated by your ex. I'm not 100% yet, but getting closer all of the time. Remember, you can be loved again. And to think that to this day, I've always thought it was because she just didn't care anymore. Silly me! You're absolutely 100% right about embracing the pain. It is a manly thing getting dumped like that. You learn just how strong you can be. Well done, Tater. 1
casey.lives Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 i hate my ex. and i dont love him nor did i ever. i hate how he violated me and the pain he unnecessarily caused me. he ruined my entire view of life and i hate him for it. the hate is strong and will endure because i can never see life as i used to. he killed my heart and soul
gnick Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Im pretty sure my ex never loved me . Im not sure if she ever even liked me lol. I was convenient at the time and when she found someone she thought was better i was discarded faster than yesterdays garbage. Never mind all the things I did for her etc.I no longer served a purpose. What do you do?
Happines Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 I feel your pain...I was the one to leave my boyfriend because he honestly didn't treat me well at all and some of the things he did hurt me super bad...at some point I realised that yes I do love him like I never loved before but I feel lonely being with him as he simply doesn't seem to care for me or my feelings...after I left I had many many promises how he will seek help will sort himself out and will do all it takes to make us work...one week after me leaving he already moved on and had another girl in his flat...it's been 3 weeks I got no calls no messages nothing at all Trust me it gutted me so much to know he moved on like this when I treated him so amazingly and supported him in all difficult times...I still cry about it and I will hurt prob for awhile but I thank god that he opened my eyes and I found the strengt to move out because if I would of stayed he would of continued doing all the shirty things behind my back and after a burger two years or so I would have so much more regrets Whatever happened with u and ur girlfriend is a past now...b greatful she did it now not when u two gir married and had kids... And to people who say she is doing coz she is hurt let me tell u something...she is doing it cuz she couldn't care any less...you do not intentionally try to hurt the people u love because for the ones u love u try to b your best and to make them happy So chin up and think that one day u will meet an incredible girl which h definitely will and u will think how silly was all this thing with ur ex 1
Bradt Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Reading your post puts tears in my eyes and a lot of hope in my heart that I will get over this.I'm a guy that have been dumped by my gf a couple of weeks ago.We were together for 7 years and engaged...etc etc.(will still post my story) Anyway she became very cold and her last words were really hurtful.N/C is still active and I been wondering if she actually did love me and my answer were NO.Just knowing her coldness were "protection" makes me feel beter. Thanks man 1
Author Tater Salad Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Bradt, that is why I posted this, so people like you will know that it gets better. I still think about her everyday, but that's what normal, loving people do. I don't have false hope of a reconciliation, and I honestly wouldn't take her back. I've been where you are, probably 3 or 4 times in my life, and guess what? I always recover.
HowMightI-live Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) My advice: FEEL the pain. Experience the pain. Process the pain. Don't cover it up with alcohol, drugs, or sex. Those are just band aids that you will have to remove eventually, and it hurts when you rip them off. You will meet someone that will make you embarrassed that you were so depressed and defeated by your ex. I'm not 100% yet, but getting closer all of the time. Remember, you can be loved again. Well said. Its the gifts our exs inadvertently gives us that makes as stronger, that makes the person. Defeat, pain, suffering, distance, understanding, awareness, clarity. We hate them for it in the beginning and almost thank them in the end. We say, thank god that ended and laugh at all the things we had to go through to reach that point. The good in goodbye and everything in between, good to hear youre getting there. Edited June 26, 2015 by HowMightI-live 1
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