Do all good things really have to come to an end?

[Ruru]

I met an amazing guy about 5 months ago and we shared so many incredible moments together, it was magical to me. I'd say he's like the man of my dreams. The story is going to be a bit long, so I really appreciate whoever reads this to give me some advice as it's really important to me.

 

At first it was just very casual dating, I just thought he would be a really nice friend to have. I went on 2-3 friendly dates with him before I went on vacation for an entire month, in which we kept in touch via Snapchat (he's not the social media type of person, but he used it to keep in touch with me). When I came back from my vacation, I felt that our bond got stronger despite the distance, he was genuinely interested in hearing about my trip and I would send him pics/videos to make it feel like he was with me. So when I got back we both knew we were very eager to see each other again but he just started his internship at the hospital (for 9 weeks), so I thought I wouldn't see him much when in fact he took the time to at least see me 2-3 times a week despite the busy schedule, which I really appreciated.

 

From there we consistently saw each other for the next 9 weeks. I must say that these 9 weeks were probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I had this connection with him that I never felt before with anyone else. We would do fun challenges every week (cooking challenge, truth or dare challenge, etc) and crazy things happen sometimes so we like to call them "adventures". I thought that we had the rest of the summer to continue doing all these fun things, but unfortunately I found out about 2 weeks ago that after his internship he was going to go back home to work for the rest of the summer, which is rather far (2 hours away by car from the city).

 

When I found out, I knew that I was already in love with him, even though we made it clear in the first place that it would be casual. But my answer changed since. I wanted to go onto the next step in our relationship, I wanted us to share an important part of our lives together. The more time we spent with each other, the closer we got and I started to notice the little gestures that he started to do that he didn't do before, like passionately kissing my shoulder/back or hugging me to sleep. I also felt it too when we made love, it wasn't just sex. It was incredibly passionate. I thought he'd become distant after sex (which happened to me before), but instead we got even closer and he treated me even better since then.

 

I then took my chance to finally tell him how I feel about our situation on our last night together before he leaves. I started by telling him "I guess tonight is our last night- I did something that I shouldn't have done" in which he asked "Why? You slept with someone else?" I quickly said "No". He tries to guess again, "You kissed someone else?" in which I didn't respond just to see his reaction. I then asked "Are you upset?" He said "A little, since you were the only one I was seeing. But we made it clear from the start, you were free to do what you want. Do you like this guy?" In which I said "I really do, he makes me feel very special". He then says "Oh then I'm really happy for you, you should go for it!" and it's then I revealed to him, "But I can't be with him, we already made it clear from the start..."

 

That's when he realized I was talking about him all this time and he seemed really shocked/surprised. He was like "Omg you were talking about me?" and he hugs and kisses my head. I took this as a positive sign, that maybe he accepted me. But as soon as I started talking about how I started to see him more than just a friend, he started to be more defensive. He said that he loves me as a friend, really cared about me and would love to continue seeing me, but he is not in a position to be in a relationship right now. He's always been very open and honest about everything, with the exception of past relationships - he has never said a single word about it. He didn't have to tell me and I would see that he has been deeply hurt in the past. So in the end his answer still didn't change, the fact that he was not ready to be in a relationship with me. But he said that I meant a lot to him and that if continuing to see him will hurt me, he would be willing to stop everything even if he will miss everything we've been doing.

 

I'm not sure on what to do, other than trying to keep myself occupied. I have a hard time getting these memories out of my head. It's been a week since we haven't kept in contact at all. I'm pretty sure he's busy right now with work and there's no internet over there even. In 2 weeks he will be coming back to the city for a concert (probably for just the weekend), in which he said "maybe I can see you then". Should I give him the time for him to realize what he wants or should I just move on, despite how special this was to me? I feel that I might get hurt in the long run knowing that this amazing guy will never be mine. And eventually he will be back after the summer, but should I keep doing what I did with him or keep my boundaries (like stop sleeping with him)?

Edited June 24, 2015 by Ruru

[Ruru]

Short version: Fell in love with a guy that I was casually/exclusively seeing, said he loves me as a friend, would like to continue seeing me but isn't ready for a relationship yet. Is leaving to work for 2 weeks, coming back briefly and then work again for the rest of the summer. Worth waiting for his return or to move on?

[Ninjainpajamas]

You just made it "complicated"....add yourself to the list of why guys say that women cannot handle "FWB". Because essentially that is what is going on, and the guy just made it entirely clear that he wasn't emotionally reciprocating how you feel for him.

 

When you tell a guy you're going to be casual, then he's going to feel (at least if he's inexperienced) that he can just be himself and essentially focus on the "fun" without any pressure.

 

Unfortunately as a guy, you're judged for everything that you do...to how you kiss, to how you make love, to those "little things" that guys do...that really don't carry the meaning you think it does when he is doing them. This is where women always go wrong, they always assume how they feel the man automatically feels...whenever you hear a girl talk about how she feels, she always always speaks for the man. When you speak to men, they NEVER almost practically, say that...they speak for themselves, but women speak as if it's a whole thing..but women don't know how men feel, I can assure you that much is obvious in the world today.

 

Stop taking advantage of the behavior that he exudes with you and taking it to the next level...it doesn't mean he's the love of your life, it doesn't mean he loves you, it doesn't mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

You forced this guy into a corner, like many women do. They come out with all these FEELINGS that they've been holding inside and because they want the guy to validate them...and it's super easy to do that, all you have to do is in someway agree and she's off to the race, but luckily this guy was honest with you and not in the game of manipulating you, however that was probably for his benefit rather than yours.

 

Now you can expect him to be defensive and back away, because this is what women do....they take everything you do and say, interpret it in a certain light and then think that's the truth...without ever even having a conversation with the guy and finding out how he feels and thinks exactly...nonono, that wouldn't been fun for most women, they instead have to conjure up this fantasy and perfect love story in their heads where it was a situation of..."at first it was just as friends/casual, but then something MAGICAL happened, and now we found ourselves in love"...

 

It doesn't work that way for guys because when they say casual they mean it...because what guys see as casual versus relationship material or even marriage material are completely different...you don't just make those transitions like a woman does, where she always seems to be able to transition through those phases at will depending on how she feels....men don't do that, they don't get compelled by those emotions and whisked away...they say true to their word and idea and the reason they can do that is because from the beginning they already knew you weren't that girl.

 

Most if not all guys know this already...they know where that women falls on the scale and no matter what happens, if he's got you pegged to a certain level like "casual"...you will always be casual, you will not be girlfriend material or wife material, not in the heart...superficially in life it may happen, lots of things happen in life that people are not fully on board with...but emotionally if a guy is willing to see you casually, he's doing so because he made that determination...it's very rare that men make those transitions emotionally, although however I'd say very often you will see them end up married or in a relationship...but those are for completely other reasons than women understand.

 

This is common knowledge to most experienced and knowledgeable men, hopefully this gives you some understanding...however women seem to always like disagreeing with things like this because they'd rather believe in something else and want to hear something they want to hear...but it doesn't change the reality unfortunately.

 

All women want to believe they are the exception to the rule..but more often than not they are not. Just another typical situation, and unfortunately for you...this is very typical, and you are romanticizing the hell out of it.

 

It's up to him whether he wants to continue on or not, but at this point as a man...he's wondering if it's time to get off this ride and avoid any drama, some girls retreat and take back what they said to keep the guy around...others just live onto that hope that he'll turn that corner someday.

[Jemay]

Really sound like a lovely time you both had, and I can hear you care a lot for him and I'm sure he cares for you. But you know how in most relationships there's one person who loves just a bit more? It's always tough when you're the one who's in it just a bit more. Makes you so vulnerable. But you really need to listen to him. The harsh reality is that he seems to mean what he said about him wanting things to stay casual. Of course this may change in time, you never know, but at this point, it sounds like you won't get what you really want.

 

Giving him a lot of room and space, never pushing him for anything is probably the biggest thing. For me, this would be way too hard. I'd be miserable and it would show in my actions. Maybe you can do it but I really don't recommend it. Best to move on in my opinion, cause you deserve big shiny love. Don't settle for breadcrumbs when you can have the whole loaf. Maybe when he sees you've moved on, he'll change his mind. Sometimes that kind of show of independence and self worth can trigger a man to change his mind.

 

In the end it's really what will make you happy. I say live your life, meet new guys, and you can leave the door open for him, just make sure he initiates, don't ever look needy or worse go pursuing him, it'll just push him aways. Hope this helps a little xox

[Jemay]

 

You forced this guy into a corner, like many women do.

 

Now you can expect him to be defensive and back away, because this is what women do....

 

they take everything you do and say, interpret it in a certain light and then think that's the truth...

 

men don't do that, they don't get compelled by those emotions and whisked away...they say true to their word and idea and the reason they can do that is because from the beginning they already knew you weren't that girl.

 

 

All women want to believe they are the exception to the rule..but more often than not they are not. Just another typical situation, and unfortunately for you...this is very typical, and you are romanticizing the hell out of it.

 

.

 

WOW!! That's just a bunch of craziness

 

Listen Ruru, I commend you for being honest and sharing your feelings with this man. You said how you felt instead of playing games. Then you didn't make him feel guilty or pressured him, and you've given him space by not contacting him. You did well. Continue to keep your head up high, honesty in my book is always the best way to go.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Jemay

[Ruru]

Ninjainpajamas: You have a point, your words are more on the harsh side but I'm thankful you told me the real truth behind what a guy thinks compared to what a girl thinks. I took those signs as if they really meant more than what it really was. Maybe I am just not the girl he is looking for long-term, but he doesn't seem to be ashamed about being with me since his best friend/roommate/brother already acknowledges and expects me whenever I come over to their place.

 

Jemay: Yes I totally understand the one person who gives/loves more in the relationship. I've been on both ends, It didn't end nice when it was me who cared more.

 

I'm willing to give him the time and space he needs, just that each day feels like a year to me, especially with the no-contact thing. I told him that I totally respect his decision in which he replied that he appreciated my reaction, that I was so calm and mature about it (when in fact I was panicking inside). I just feel like it was a bit early for me to bring this up and cause a dent to our relationship/friendship, I just wish it would have lasted a bit longer. I'm not ready to remove him from my life since I truly enjoyed his company, even as just friends. Do you think it would be a bad idea if we continued the FWB thing for as long as we could, or that's just not possible anymore now that we laid the conversation on the table? I'd be willing to keep it casual still in order to keep his company, but would it seem like I am disrespecting myself if I continue sleeping with him..?

 

Thank you so much for both your advices, they were very helpful and gave me new insight.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Ruru

[Ruru]

WOW!! That's just a bunch of craziness

 

Listen Ruru, I commend you for being honest and sharing your feelings with this man. You said how you felt instead of playing games. Then you didn't make him feel guilty or pressured him, and you've given him space by not contacting him. You did well. Continue to keep your head up high, honesty in my book is always the best way to go.

 

Wow thank you so much that means a lot. I was actually starting to believe the words he said, that it was just harsh reality. Second thought it's true that I wasn't driving him in the corner, I respected his decisions and we were honest to each other.

 

Now I'm just impatiently waiting for him to get back to me on what's happening in 2 weeks, haha. I believe that he would since he usually keeps his word to initiate our next date, but I should also expect that he might not contact me back (in which I'll know that he didn't quite mean the words he said)

[Jemay]

Do you think it would be a bad idea if we continued the FWB thing for as long as we could, or that's just not possible anymore now that we laid the conversation on the table? I'd be willing to keep it casual still in order to keep his company, but would it seem like I am disrespecting myself if I continue sleeping with him..?

.

 

I think you made pretty clear to him what you want. And he made clear what he wants. And the two are different. If you settled for less than what you want I think it would probably not make the best impression. And I don't believe you would be happy. You've acted so mature with this, stay that way now, and don't take the crumbs. Take that chance and you never know what comes your way. I can tell you he'll respect you way more for it and you'll be proud of yourself in the long run too.

[katiegrl]

 

**Wow thank you so much that means a lot. I was actually starting to believe the words he said, that it was just harsh reality. **

 

 

Second thought it's true that I wasn't driving him in the corner, I respected his decisions and we were honest to each other.

 

Now I'm just impatiently waiting for him to get back to me on what's happening in 2 weeks, haha. I believe that he would since he usually keeps his word to initiate our next date, but I should also expect that he might not contact me back (in which I'll know that he didn't quite mean the words he said)

 

Quote in asterisk above -- I am sorry Ruru, but you *should* believe Ninja's words because he is 100% right on!!!! Harsh reality.

 

And jemay's response calling his post *a bunch of craziness* proved his point!

 

And I am female!

 

No don't be "waiting* for him..move on. As Ninja said, he views you as a casual FWB, you will *always* be a casual FWB.

 

Stop projecting YOUR feelings on to him. They are YOUR feelings, not his.

 

Which is precisely what Ninja was talking about....

 

Waiting around for a guy who sees you only as FWB...*hoping* he will wake up one day and realize how much he loves you or whatevs, is a futile waste of time and energy...

 

Let go of your magical thinking and move on...

 

I am sorry this was harsh, but you needed to hear it.. I am sorry.

Edited June 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[Ruru]

I think you made pretty clear to him what you want. And he made clear what he wants. And the two are different. If you settled for less than what you want I think it would probably not make the best impression. And I don't believe you would be happy. You've acted so mature with this, stay that way now, and don't take the crumbs. Take that chance and you never know what comes your way. I can tell you he'll respect you way more for it and you'll be proud of yourself in the long run too.

 

I like your reference with the bread crumbs, it's very true. So tempting to pick them up just because I'm a bit hungry for that kind of bread. Maybe starving a tiny bit for a full loaf of bread later will be even more satisfying. I think it's harder in particular to let this guy go because he said some really meaningful things and the wonderful memories that were along with it. It's hard to believe I'd meet someone better than him now since every guy I look I keep thinking about him again, I miss him more than ever but I'm keeping my doors open. I'm being invited to several events where I'll meet new people, rather than staying home/work I'll make time to go

 

Thanks Jemay, really enjoyed talking to you, even if it wasn't for long hehe.

[Ruru]

Quote in asterisk above -- I am sorry Ruru, but you *should* believe Ninja's words because he is 100% right on!!!! Harsh reality.

 

And jemay's response calling his post *a bunch of craziness* proved his point!

 

And I am female!

 

No don't be "waiting* for him..move on. As Ninja said, he views you as a casual FWB, you will *always* be a casual FWB.

 

Stop projecting YOUR feelings on to him. They are YOUR feelings, not his.

 

Which is precisely what Ninja was talking about....

 

Waiting around for a guy who sees you only as FWB...*hoping* he will wake up one day and realize how much he loves you or whatevs, is a futile waste of time and energy...

 

Let go of your magical thinking and move on...

 

I am sorry this was harsh, but you needed to hear it.. I am sorry.

 

Yes I'm starting to realize that. I saw him as more than just a fwb since we did other cool things together, but he probably saw it more the casual way. Honestly I'm pretty new to the whole fwb thing, the first fwb I had before him I wasn't that into so it was easier to "break away" from. It's hard not to get attached to him since he's such a catch though, haha... Which could also explain why he doesn't want to get tied down to just 1 girl. I was a relationship girl before that but I just gotta start getting more used to it :')

 

I'm ok with the harsh reality, things are getting clearer for me, even though it stings a little bit. Thanks.

[katiegrl]

Yes I'm starting to realize that. I saw him as more than just a fwb since we did other cool things together, but he probably saw it more the casual way. Honestly I'm pretty new to the whole fwb thing, the first fwb I had before him I wasn't that into so it was easier to "break away" from. It's hard not to get attached to him since he's such a catch though, haha... Which could also explain why he doesn't want to get tied down to just 1 girl. I was a relationship girl before that but I just gotta start getting more used to it :')

 

I'm ok with the harsh reality, things are getting clearer for me, even though it stings a little bit. Thanks.

 

We've all been there Ruru....and then some ....so you're not alone.

 

FWB's can be confusing because *friends* DO do fun stuff together and *are* close, are they not? Which is what you essentially were...friends.... who also had sex.

 

And what you interpreted as him beginning to have romantic "feelings" for you ...was actually him being more "familiar" with you... perhaps more *comfortable* with you.... but STILL just friends....which he confirmed when he realized the "other" guy you told him about was him.

 

And remember, when you tell a guy you are interested in another guy (which was a lie but that's an entirely different issue).......and he responds with..."I am happy for you....you should go for it"! Those are not the words of a guy who sees you as anything more than a friend.

 

But hey lesson learned for next time, right?

 

Head high....you'll be fine.

 

Good luck!

[Halcyon]

My advice take his words on face value. Most guys are pretty straight forward with this sort of thing don't look for hidden meaning. He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend you are a friend with benefits nothing more.

 

I would be distancing myself at this point to protect yourself it won't end the way you want and you will just end up torturing yourself. It rarely takes a guy 5 months to decide someone is girlfriend material. Sorry for your situation not a fun one to be in.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Basically it's like a time before science, your mind works on a blind faith..

 

- world is flat

- god's provide all the good things that happen on the earth, therefore worship them

- all things that you don't understand are provided by some higher power

 

And the list goes on and on...but it's a "faith" based system, your faith is invested in your emotions however, which conjures up a certain belief.

 

Because for you, you are a die hard believer, to your mind and from your perception everything is happening in a certain way because of the way YOU feel...without really understanding what is happening on the other side, from that side looking in.

 

His side of things are a completely different mindset and context than yours are.

 

Men don't generally operate off a feeling based system, all that your seeing and feeling is based in a very small portion of his life, it's only occurring in these "moments" and these moments you experience together need to be considered apart of that context...which is just casual/fwb.

 

He is not being emotional moved or persuaded within those moments, because he's already compartmentalizing the experience with you as casual/FWB. It's not personal...it's not deep, it's not in a sense even genuine.

 

It's like two actors in a movie, except one of them (you) actually thinks it's a true story, he's just playing his part...sure he's getting something out of it, but he's not doing it for ever-after.

 

For him, this not emotional...this is sexual, friendly, and just companionship. For you, it's romantic, it's everything you've ever wanted, it's this "magic" combination. But you're not really "in-love" or whatever feelings you even think you have, the guy may be "amazing" but he's amazing in that context for you and to you...it's not who he really is completely because you don't have access to that part of him...but I'm going to stop talking here because I'd expect you think and will therefore justify that you're really important to him because he did something or other in a particular situation that you felt "special" for.

 

At the end of the day you're going to do what most women do, if not all. You're going to get over the "shock", you're going to calibrate and adjust to this new information and news, you're going to want to pull away, you're going to say you're going to do this or that but at the end of the day he's going to do some half-ass thing and you'll be right back into the mix with him because he's "so amazing".

 

But it's just an act, his feelings aren't really on the line...you're the one going through this emotional rollercoaster, for him it's just a matter of avoiding drama and not causing too many waves, while still continuing to try and maintain this FWB situation.

 

Therefore you'll likely try and make promises you can't really keep and try to compartmentalize the way he does because you think you can do what he does and just enjoy it, and then you'll just string yourself along with some half-@ss strategy that never really works because in the end you'll be hurt.

 

But hey, look on the bright side...you'll move on, you'll eventually get over it, and you'll say at least you learned and are a wiser/stronger person for it...after all, it's never fun just to call yourself stupid.

 

You're not going to change the boundaries, he's not going to be your "friend", you're not going to stop sleeping with...you're not fooling anybody, the guy isn't your real friend, regardless of the "bond" that you think you have, if you push him hard enough he'll be gone in the end.

 

All you can really do is just let him do whatever he wants if you want him to stick around. But in the end he'll do all those things he said he wasn't ready or looking for, with some else.

 

You are just one of billions of women who go through this...the vast majority of it is in your own head.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Basically it's like a time before science, your mind works on a blind faith..

 

- world is flat

- god's provide all the good things that happen on the earth, therefore worship them

- all things that you don't understand are provided by some higher power

 

And the list goes on and on...but it's a "faith" based system, your faith is invested in your emotions however, which conjures up a certain belief.

 

Because for you, you are a die hard believer, to your mind and from your perception everything is happening in a certain way because of the way YOU feel...without really understanding what is happening on the other side, from that side looking in.

 

His side of things are a completely different mindset and context than yours are.

 

Men don't generally operate off a feeling based system, all that your seeing and feeling is based in a very small portion of his life, it's only occurring in these "moments" and these moments you experience together need to be considered apart of that context...which is just casual/fwb.

 

He is not being emotional moved or persuaded within those moments, because he's already compartmentalizing the experience with you as casual/FWB. It's not personal...it's not deep, it's not in a sense even genuine.

 

It's like two actors in a movie, except one of them (you) actually thinks it's a true story, he's just playing his part...sure he's getting something out of it, but he's not doing it for ever-after.

 

For him, this not emotional...this is sexual, friendly, and just companionship. For you, it's romantic, it's everything you've ever wanted, it's this "magic" combination. But you're not really "in-love" or whatever feelings you even think you have, the guy may be "amazing" but he's amazing in that context for you and to you...it's not who he really is completely because you don't have access to that part of him...but I'm going to stop talking here because I'd expect you think and will therefore justify that you're really important to him because he did something or other in a particular situation that you felt "special" for.

 

At the end of the day you're going to do what most women do, if not all. You're going to get over the "shock", you're going to calibrate and adjust to this new information and news, you're going to want to pull away, you're going to say you're going to do this or that but at the end of the day he's going to do some half-ass thing and you'll be right back into the mix with him because he's "so amazing".

 

But it's just an act, his feelings aren't really on the line...you're the one going through this emotional rollercoaster, for him it's just a matter of avoiding drama and not causing too many waves, while still continuing to try and maintain this FWB situation.

 

Therefore you'll likely try and make promises you can't really keep and try to compartmentalize the way he does because you think you can do what he does and just enjoy it, and then you'll just string yourself along with some half-@ss strategy that never really works because in the end you'll be hurt.

 

But hey, look on the bright side...you'll move on, you'll eventually get over it, and you'll say at least you learned and are a wiser/stronger person for it...after all, it's never fun just to call yourself stupid.

 

You're not going to change the boundaries, he's not going to be your "friend", you're not going to stop sleeping with...you're not fooling anybody, the guy isn't your real friend, regardless of the "bond" that you think you have, if you push him hard enough he'll be gone in the end.

 

All you can really do is just let him do whatever he wants if you want him to stick around. But in the end he'll do all those things he said he wasn't ready or looking for, with some else.

 

You are just one of billions of women who go through this...the vast majority of it is in your own head.

 

Aw what a sweetheart

[Els]

Not all good things have to come to an end (or at least, not so soon), but it seems like this good thing was mostly only good in your mind, yeah? He had perceived it as a casual thing from the start and was upfront about it. You perceived it as something else because you were falling for him, and viewing things with rose-tinted glasses.

 

You WILL get hurt if you carry on with this. Casual dating is fine but only if both people want it to be casual, not one person wanting more. The longer you invest yourself in this casual relationship, the harder it will be on you when the time inevitably comes to move on.

 

Do yourself a favour, go NC with him. I know it's hard, but you have to protect yourself first.

[Yummm]

OP I'm sorry you're going through with this.

 

I have no experience in this but as a guy I completely agree with the fact that us men make it clear what we want and mean it.

 

I fell in love with a girl who fell in love with me first, after a couple of months I KNEW that she was the one for me and I wanted to be with her. Her, on the other hand, said and did all these things to make me believe so and then managed to do a 180 within a week.

 

So yeah, if a guy is telling you it's causal, it will usually stay that way. Stick with NC, stay strong and you'll pull through.

[Ruru]

You're not going to change the boundaries, he's not going to be your "friend", you're not going to stop sleeping with...you're not fooling anybody, the guy isn't your real friend, regardless of the "bond" that you think you have, if you push him hard enough he'll be gone in the end.

 

All you can really do is just let him do whatever he wants if you want him to stick around. But in the end he'll do all those things he said he wasn't ready or looking for, with some else.

 

You are just one of billions of women who go through this...the vast majority of it is in your own head.

 

As much as I appreciate your advice Ninjainpajamas, but I don't quite agree with this part. I may not understand men in general more than you, but I'm aware that not all men are not all the same, same as women. I know I'm going to sound biased because I still love him, but I know he's not that kind of person. He's one of the most considerate and kind-hearted people I've met, it just happens that he doesn't love me the same way which I'm starting to accept that fact. He inspired and motivated me as a person, influenced me to resolve issues with my dad, drives me home at 2am when he had work at 7am, etc. I know he genuinely cared for me even if it's just as a friend, I don't think I was a nobody to him. That's why I respect him and I know he respects me for it too.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement guys, I really appreciate it. I've been going back to my diary to write all my feelings down, afterwards I'm going to close the book for good and just move on. I'll continue with N/C unless he contacts me again after 2 weeks, things won't be the same anymore but he was still a valuable friend to me. I'm 22 and he's 24, I guess we're still young so maybe the commitment thing scared him away.

[Els]

 

Thanks for all the encouragement guys, I really appreciate it. I've been going back to my diary to write all my feelings down, afterwards I'm going to close the book for good and just move on. I'll continue with N/C unless he contacts me again after 2 weeks, things won't be the same anymore but he was still a valuable friend to me. I'm 22 and he's 24, I guess we're still young so maybe the commitment thing scared him away.

 

His age isn't really an excuse - I know lots of people who were in long-term Rs at his age or earlier. This is just about the kind of person he is; it isn't necessarily 'wrong', but it's not compatible with what you need in a partner, and you shouldn't settle for less.

 

I'm very glad to hear you're going NC. I would recommend not responding at all even if he contacts you, but if you do talk to him again, please don't have sex with him - you clearly get very invested in him while he is the opposite, so you need to really keep him at arm's length for the sake of your sanity.

 

All the best!

[walkingonair]

I met an amazing guy about 5 months ago and we shared so many incredible moments together, it was magical to me. I'd say he's like the man of my dreams. The story is going to be a bit long, so I really appreciate whoever reads this to give me some advice as it's really important to me.

 

At first it was just very casual dating, I just thought he would be a really nice friend to have. I went on 2-3 friendly dates with him before I went on vacation for an entire month, in which we kept in touch via Snapchat (he's not the social media type of person, but he used it to keep in touch with me). When I came back from my vacation, I felt that our bond got stronger despite the distance, he was genuinely interested in hearing about my trip and I would send him pics/videos to make it feel like he was with me. So when I got back we both knew we were very eager to see each other again but he just started his internship at the hospital (for 9 weeks), so I thought I wouldn't see him much when in fact he took the time to at least see me 2-3 times a week despite the busy schedule, which I really appreciated.

 

From there we consistently saw each other for the next 9 weeks. I must say that these 9 weeks were probably one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I had this connection with him that I never felt before with anyone else. We would do fun challenges every week (cooking challenge, truth or dare challenge, etc) and crazy things happen sometimes so we like to call them "adventures". I thought that we had the rest of the summer to continue doing all these fun things, but unfortunately I found out about 2 weeks ago that after his internship he was going to go back home to work for the rest of the summer, which is rather far (2 hours away by car from the city).

 

When I found out, I knew that I was already in love with him, even though we made it clear in the first place that it would be casual. But my answer changed since. I wanted to go onto the next step in our relationship, I wanted us to share an important part of our lives together. The more time we spent with each other, the closer we got and I started to notice the little gestures that he started to do that he didn't do before, like passionately kissing my shoulder/back or hugging me to sleep. I also felt it too when we made love, it wasn't just sex. It was incredibly passionate. I thought he'd become distant after sex (which happened to me before), but instead we got even closer and he treated me even better since then.

 

I then took my chance to finally tell him how I feel about our situation on our last night together before he leaves. I started by telling him "I guess tonight is our last night- I did something that I shouldn't have done" in which he asked "Why? You slept with someone else?" I quickly said "No". He tries to guess again, "You kissed someone else?" in which I didn't respond just to see his reaction. I then asked "Are you upset?" He said "A little, since you were the only one I was seeing. But we made it clear from the start, you were free to do what you want. Do you like this guy?" In which I said "I really do, he makes me feel very special". He then says "Oh then I'm really happy for you, you should go for it!" and it's then I revealed to him, "But I can't be with him, we already made it clear from the start..."

 

That's when he realized I was talking about him all this time and he seemed really shocked/surprised. He was like "Omg you were talking about me?" and he hugs and kisses my head. I took this as a positive sign, that maybe he accepted me. But as soon as I started talking about how I started to see him more than just a friend, he started to be more defensive. He said that he loves me as a friend, really cared about me and would love to continue seeing me, but he is not in a position to be in a relationship right now. He's always been very open and honest about everything, with the exception of past relationships - he has never said a single word about it. He didn't have to tell me and I would see that he has been deeply hurt in the past. So in the end his answer still didn't change, the fact that he was not ready to be in a relationship with me. But he said that I meant a lot to him and that if continuing to see him will hurt me, he would be willing to stop everything even if he will miss everything we've been doing.

 

I'm not sure on what to do, other than trying to keep myself occupied. I have a hard time getting these memories out of my head. It's been a week since we haven't kept in contact at all. I'm pretty sure he's busy right now with work and there's no internet over there even. In 2 weeks he will be coming back to the city for a concert (probably for just the weekend), in which he said "maybe I can see you then". Should I give him the time for him to realize what he wants or should I just move on, despite how special this was to me? I feel that I might get hurt in the long run knowing that this amazing guy will never be mine. And eventually he will be back after the summer, but should I keep doing what I did with him or keep my boundaries (like stop sleeping with him)?

 

 

I'm going through the same thing:(if you wanna talk PM me

[Ninjainpajamas]

As much as I appreciate your advice Ninjainpajamas, but I don't quite agree with this part. I may not understand men in general more than you, but I'm aware that not all men are not all the same, same as women. I know I'm going to sound biased because I still love him, but I know he's not that kind of person. He's one of the most considerate and kind-hearted people I've met, it just happens that he doesn't love me the same way which I'm starting to accept that fact. He inspired and motivated me as a person, influenced me to resolve issues with my dad, drives me home at 2am when he had work at 7am, etc. I know he genuinely cared for me even if it's just as a friend, I don't think I was a nobody to him. That's why I respect him and I know he respects me for it too.

 

Honestly if women didn't get caught up on those little details, the majority of men general behave in very similar ways. But you have to see the overall picture, not get lost in those in-between details that lead you astray and to believe something else is going out that isn't as atypical as you think it is. This is all manifested in your own mind, and the less you know the more wild your mind goes and starts creating this picture of what you want to believe or feel is occurring, when in actuality you're on that journey on your own.

 

He may care about you, or he may care about people in general.

 

For example, If I was out playing baseball with a group of locals and one of the girls got injured...I would drive her to the hospital and wait in the waiting room for her and take her home.

 

To a stranger or just a friend, that might just be a kind gesture of someone going out of their way for someone.

 

However, if she had feelings for me, she might take this as sign of ultimate love and deep caring, and a possible sign of things progressing.

 

Do you see what I mean? she'd pump her own mind and fill it with other details that she sees which perpetuate her own fantasies...when in fact, I'd have done it either way...not because it was about love, but because I'd have done it either way and not expecting anything in return.

 

I'm not saying you're a nobody to him, but it's very likely you exaggerate your romantic relationship with him and greatly misplace his emotional and romantic intentions and feelings at the end of the day.

 

He has done those things for you, but you have no way of determining the source...you assume it's because of whatever you want to lead yourself to believe.

 

Considerate and kind-hearted people, aren't just going to be that way in relationships...romantic or not. So when you take it to a romantic level, you completely misinterpret his behavior...however this is likely exacerbated by your lacking of certain things in your own life. Women who are alone, or didn't ever receive any kind of kindness or gentle behavior tend to cling themselves pretty religiously to men who have shown or exuded those qualities.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement guys, I really appreciate it. I've been going back to my diary to write all my feelings down, afterwards I'm going to close the book for good and just move on. I'll continue with N/C unless he contacts me again after 2 weeks, things won't be the same anymore but he was still a valuable friend to me. I'm 22 and he's 24, I guess we're still young so maybe the commitment thing scared him away.

 

You're still very young IMO and quite inexperienced at this, and if he was a different kind of guy he could definitely string you along. However, when it comes down to it he might let you go so easily...there is still a human desire to have certain needs met, and I'm sure he will come back to you when he needs those met.

 

He's not ready for a commitment because he's growing up, and he wasn't looking it with you anyway. You're young and a woman and been thinking about commitment since you were 10, even without understanding anything about relationships or men beyond whatever you imagined relationships and love being like.

 

Women are in no way as ready as they think they are, but they have a blind faith in positive thinking and all things possible...which usually leads them into situations that never work out in the end because they don't take them for what they are but instead of what they want them to be or become...women love "potential".

[katiegrl]

>>>If I was out playing baseball with a group of locals, and one of the girls got injured, I would drive her to the hospital and wait in the waiting room for her and take her home.<<

 

Would you put her to bed and tuck her in too? Lol.

 

Just kidding, that is actually a very very kind thing to do...

 

And while I wouldn't presume it meant *you* had feelings for me....knowing me *I* probably would have fallen head over heals for you!

 

Good guys like that are really hard to find!

[Halcyon]

Sorry Ruru I'm going to have to side with Ninja on this one and I see a lot of idealisation going on here.

 

I'm going to write about my one and only FWB situation which I have never written about because it fills me with shame and honestly it was pretty scary for me.

It was not long after a particularly nasty LTR breakup. Met her at local meetup group I was part of we hit it off but I was very clear from the start I was in no way looking for anything serious due to coming out of a LTR and was just looking for someone to go out and have fun with. She was cool with that.

 

We had a great time together and I did nice things for her which she probably saw having way more meaning than it actually meant. I do nice things for people in my life regardless if I'm romantically interested in them or not. About 2 and half months in she confesses she loves me and I'm floored simply because I do not feel that way about her at all. She had put me on a massive pedestal and I was not ok with that. That is not to say I didn't like her as a person no way she was pretty awesome but I didn't feel romantically about her and I couldn't force that.

 

So I called it off because it was grossly unfair for it to continue. She begged me to forget what she said but I knew she only wanted to keep thing the way they were because she was hoping I would come around sadly I knew that wasn't going to happen.

 

So I broke it off with her and was hoping maybe we could just be friends after she had healed but instead she went full psycho. Started calling 10 times a day and spamming abusive text messages acusing me of being dishonest, lying, using her even though I was completely up front in the beginning that things would be casual and she was cool with that.

 

Then she would swing into being apologetic and begging. I tried once more to placate her and she seemed to accept that. 2 months later she starts again with the abusive text messages saying she had been waiting for me to come around and other crazy nonsense. I ended up changing my email and phone number. She then contacts my older brother 6 months later she has never met my brother by the way. My brother contacts me asking about who this is and sent me screenshots of what she had sent and that she was heart broken and couldn't understand why I didn't feel the same way she did.

 

I was about 24 and she was around your age. I have never had a FWB situation since and never will again. I see you are doing the same stuff she was and I really caution you don't do that you will drive yourself insane. Accept it for what it was and move on don't read into his actions he can be an awesome guy to you it doesn't mean he has secret feelings.

 

He has stated he does not want something serious. That is all that matters.