Goodbye Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I am a divorced woman with kids. Since November, I've been dating a divorced man who has kids. He is attractive and bright, we have chemistry and enjoy each other. Sounds good? He is currently living with his parents. He filed for bankruptcy after a very messy divorce. While I don't like this, I "get it." My divorce was messy, ugly and long...expensive. Shortly after we got together he lost his job...again. Almost his whole paycheck goes to child support. Again, I get this, and I don't expect him to spend money on me when his kids need stuff. Because he lives with his parents, all of our time is spent at my house. If we go out for dinner, I generally pay. I don't mind paying some of the time, but all of the time is tiresome. So, instead I end up cooking all the time and it makes me think back to my sucky marriage. He does offer to help...I just get tired of being in my home....the place where I lived with my ex H for 12 years and raised 3 kids. He seems genuine in his love for me. Recently I went over his Facebook timeline and read about his two relationships since his own divorce (he divorced in 2010). With both women he used the same language he uses with me...about being "smitten" and wanting "to spend the next 20 to 30 years together." We have spoken of marriage...neither of us is a spring chicken, so moving on with life seems like a good idea most of the time. Last night he mentioned about us being married by Thanksgiving (a year after we first met). Seeing the FB stuff with the ex gf's was very upsetting and a dose of reality...that I'm really NOT as special as he makes me feel. I did tell him I read his timeline...saw that he was even engaged in 2011. He didn't deny it or get upset, but he has since deleted all of the posts off of FB. I have very serious trust issues and it is hard for me to surmise if they are overblown or not. The individual issues don't bother me, the combination does. Any ideas?
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I'm not so hung up on the FB Posts because there are only so many words in the language for expressing love & affection. I'd be more concerned about the finances. If his financial circumstances have changed he needs to file for a reduction in CS. I get that kids need stuff but if mommy & daddy were still married, when the parents' income goes down so does the money available for the kids. Kids of divorced parents shouldn't be able to bankrupt their parents. Until he gets a stable job you need to put marriage on hold. Certainly not this Thanksgiving. 3
Author Goodbye Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Thank you for your perspective on FB. FB is so distorted and all it did was make me jealous because one of his exes is very attractive. As far as the child support/bankruptcy issue; it isn't the child support that caused the need to file. His child support has been modified downward. It was his attorney fees from his divorce and being court ordered to pay for his ex W's, coupled with a very expensive hospital bill from a cycling accident while uninsured....yes, not good. Will definitely hold off on marriage for various reasons. I am fortunate to have a very good income myself and love to travel. I do so with my kids and wish I could with a partner. I have taken us away for a couple of weekends, but fear that going away on an official holiday would make him feel emasculated. I'm aware of the double standard as men commonly take women out/away and foot the bill...regardless, it seems to be an issue. Being a divorced woman in my 40's sucks when it comes to dating. By the time you are my age, EVERYONE has baggage.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Well, if most of his wage goes to child support then it is like his whole life has no purpose other than to be a slave for his ex, this is the hard reality of the situation. It is no fun being with someone who is a slave to an ex, time to move on. 3
ChicagoSparty Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 What is his custody/visitation arrangement? If he's not working, or has had his income decrease dramatically, he needs to file a motion for review. If he has even partial physical custody, and she works, there's no way that significant of a % of his income goes to CS unless he's just totally asleep at the wheel. Does he have anything else that he does that could eat up his money? 1
Author Goodbye Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 What is his custody/visitation arrangement? If he's not working, or has had his income decrease dramatically, he needs to file a motion for review. If he has even partial physical custody, and she works, there's no way that significant of a % of his income goes to CS unless he's just totally asleep at the wheel. Does he have anything else that he does that could eat up his money? Yes, he has a temporary position in marketing and does freelance photography. He has shared joint custody with the kids residing 80% of time with his exW and her H. His child support is regularly updated based on his income/unemployment income.
Author Goodbye Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 I should add that he CHOSES to spend more than the court required child support. For example, he is court ordered to pay for half of his daughter's college tuition at the state system level. She was accepted into a prestigious school and he has opted to help with that...not court ordered, just a dad thing. I do not disagree with this. I do the same thing with my own kids. 1
Tayla Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Financial hardships can happen , even to the best of us. May I say that if he is treating you kindly in his respect for you and his offering to help in other ways...perhaps that is a good sign. Its all in the level of what we "value" in the way of a couple. You seem like a very understanding lady. How open are you both in conveying your needs? Or wants? Consistency in behavior can be a good thing if the results are for the good of the whole. Such as if a Gent consistently helps you carry in the groceries or offers to fix you a drink. Its those little things that can be well received. 1
rester Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I would be very concerned with someone that was divorced in 2010, engaged a year later, and then wanted to marry me within a year. What's his rush to get remarried? 4
BikerAccnt Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 You need to decide how you feel about him, finances aside. Does he treat you and your children well? Does he treat his children well? Is he a kind man? My situation is reversed. I am dating a divorced woman with children, and she has no money. I pay for everything. Always, pretty much all the time. We are almost always at my place, or we go out. Now maybe some consider the situation different because we men are "used" to paying most of dating expenses. But I don't see it that way. If she didn't treat me well, if she didn't care a great deal for me and show me in a myriad of ways other than financial how she feels about me, I'd be gone. Finances are very important, Very. But so is being loved and cherished. You need to decide which is more important, in the event you can't have both. So do I. 2
Author Goodbye Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 You need to decide how you feel about him, finances aside. Does he treat you and your children well? Does he treat his children well? Is he a kind man? My situation is reversed. I am dating a divorced woman with children, and she has no money. I pay for everything. Always, pretty much all the time. We are almost always at my place, or we go out. Now maybe some consider the situation different because we men are "used" to paying most of dating expenses. But I don't see it that way. If she didn't treat me well, if she didn't care a great deal for me and show me in a myriad of ways other than financial how she feels about me, I'd be gone. Finances are very important, Very. But so is being loved and cherished. You need to decide which is more important, in the event you can't have both. So do I. Yes, I am working on this. He is very loving and generous in other ways. He is very nice to my kids. I need to figure out if it is a balancing act I can manage. Another thing that is difficult is the kid situation. Between the two of us, we have six teenagers. I have my kids most of the time; their dad has them every other weekend and often cancels. So, I cherish time alone or with another adult. He rarely gets his kids...just Sundays and dinner once a week. So he desires to get additional time with the kids. After 17 years of child rearing...I was looking forward to getting back to the adult part of my life. He wants to take all six of our kids to his brother's beach house for his vacation (has limited vacation time since his job is temporary). This sounds more exhausting than anything. I know if we do go the marriage route I will need to get closer with his kids. Right now they are a bit standoffish as he has introduced them to his prior finance and girlfriend. My kids are more receptive as he is the first boyfriend they've met since my exH moved out in 2010...they feel it must be serious if they are meeting him and take the time to get to know him. Anyway...if anyone is still reading this, thank you. Just getting my thoughts out.
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I would think twice before melting my finance with this man. By marrying him his financial problems will become yours. Not only that but he will move in your house and your home will become his residence and he can acquire part of it with the right lawyer. You said you are no spring chicken so what's the rush in getting married? Really. You are both divorced you know marriage is no garantee for your relationship. On top of that you're gonna rush into it? Of course he wants to get married early, he has everything to gain by doing so, moves out of his parents home, and you'll financially support him. Of course he's sweet and of service, he's got everything to gain by being sweet. You barely know this man. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) Well, if most of his wage goes to child support then it is like his whole life has no purpose other than to be a slave for his ex, this is the hard reality of the situation. It is no fun being with someone who is a slave to an ex, time to move on. His ex is RAISING his children every SINGLE day while he sits at home at his parents house, doing NOTHING. Maybe he puts in 48 hours every other weekend and maybe a weeknight here and there with his kids. Big friggen deal. When you do it 24/7 that's your whole LIFE. When you do it every other weekend, that's just a small PART of your life. So she should be doing the overwhelming majority of the childrearing WHILE pulling in 6 figure income on TOP of it so this poor, hapless victim won't be a 'slave' anymore? What a load of bitter nonsense. Children have a LEGAL right to be supported by their father. He's no slave to anyone. She's doing the lion's share of the work raising them. He created those children and it's his responsibility to support them - as she's ALSO been doing every single day. OP, like it or not, the clear majority of whatever income he makes when he's employed is going to the support of his kids, poor 'slave' that he is. That means you'll always be financially supporting him. It sounds like he's looking for a woman to take him in and support him so he can escape his parent's house. I'd SO be looking for someone else who doesn't need a mommy. Edited June 24, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 2
Versacehottie Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I would be very concerned with someone that was divorced in 2010, engaged a year later, and then wanted to marry me within a year. What's his rush to get remarried? Adding: Especially with financial issues like his in the picture. Not saying he is calculating this but he may be distorting the reasons in his own mind why there should be urgency to get married. It's like a role reversal where it feels like he is looking for security in you. Also if you feel resentful at all now, imagine how the future will go down. It's to be seen since he is in such a hole if he can manage his own life and not be a drain on you (emotionally, financially). A good guy won't want to be. Granted he's in a bad position now. It would show the most integrity and maturity if he wanted to repair his issues considerably BEFORE he moves to marriage with you. 1
Popsicle Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Provided he can obtain stable employment, his situation sounds temporary. I wouldn't sweat the other stuff. Just delay getting married for a while. 3
carhill Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Unfortunate timing. Happens. You can certainly verify the bankruptcy, as it is a public record. All the rest of his 'stuff' is essentially unverifiable, save for an actual visit to his parents house to verify residency. He's one of those guys who's good with women. Probably will always be. Up to you. 1
Popsicle Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 OP, If you're tired of your home, you can always move.
Author Goodbye Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 His ex is RAISING his children every SINGLE day while he sits at home at his parents house, doing NOTHING. Maybe he puts in 48 hours every other weekend and maybe a weeknight here and there with his kids. Big friggen deal. When you do it 24/7 that's your whole LIFE. When you do it every other weekend, that's just a small PART of your life. So she should be doing the overwhelming majority of the childrearing WHILE pulling in 6 figure income on TOP of it so this poor, hapless victim won't be a 'slave' anymore? What a load of bitter nonsense. Children have a LEGAL right to be supported by their father. He's no slave to anyone. She's doing the lion's share of the work raising them. He created those children and it's his responsibility to support them - as she's ALSO been doing every single day. OP, like it or not, the clear majority of whatever income he makes when he's employed is going to the support of his kids, poor 'slave' that he is. That means you'll always be financially supporting him. It sounds like he's looking for a woman to take him in and support him so he can escape his parent's house. I'd SO be looking for someone else who doesn't need a mommy. As I indicated, he IS working a temporary position and does freelance work. He actually pays his wife MORE than he is court ordered to do so so that his daughter can attend a better school. It isn't a matter of him trying to do the minimum and screw over his kids. 1
Author Goodbye Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Unfortunate timing. Happens. You can certainly verify the bankruptcy, as it is a public record. All the rest of his 'stuff' is essentially unverifiable, save for an actual visit to his parents house to verify residency. He's one of those guys who's good with women. Probably will always be. Up to you. I did verify it. He was very open about it and it is all public record.
Author Goodbye Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 OP, If you're tired of your home, you can always move. And I will move when my two high school aged daughters are off to college. Market is flooded in my neighborhood right now...not prepared to take a major loss on the house just yet. When my kids are out of the nest, I'm moving back to an apartment in the city.
Author Goodbye Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I would think twice before melting my finance with this man. By marrying him his financial problems will become yours. Not only that but he will move in your house and your home will become his residence and he can acquire part of it with the right lawyer. You said you are no spring chicken so what's the rush in getting married? Really. You are both divorced you know marriage is no garantee for your relationship. On top of that you're gonna rush into it? Of course he wants to get married early, he has everything to gain by doing so, moves out of his parents home, and you'll financially support him. Of course he's sweet and of service, he's got everything to gain by being sweet. You barely know this man. I hear what you are saying, and I'd definitely have a prenup for both of our sakes. I learned way too much in my divorce. As far as his disposition goes, I think it is genuine. The desire to get into a more "normal" stable environment than his parents house probably does push things along more than I'm comfortable, and I will need to be vigilant about that.
smackie9 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 everything is overlooked when the relationship is fresh and new, you talk about marriage, and he is wonderful to you etc but....IMO sweet and nice doesn't cut it for a stable future/long haul, especially this late in the game. You are at a place in your life where you know what you want, what you need, and expect. I say by staying with him because he's "genuine" you are selling yourself short and you can do, and deserve better than this. His situation is unfortunate, but it's not up to you to "wait and see" if his mess will clean up. Do you really have time and patience for this? to make all these sacrifices, so he may catch up one day? I think you are fooling yourself. Sure keep dating, but make any future plans with him....possibly keep your options open, date other.
salparadise Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 As I indicated, he IS working a temporary position and does freelance work. He actually pays his wife MORE than he is court ordered to do so so that his daughter can attend a better school. It isn't a matter of him trying to do the minimum and screw over his kids. Goodbye, I think it's commendable that you are thinking things through and not rushing to judgement. He sounds like a good guy who has been through a tough time and is doing his best to bounce back... and he's doing more than required to support his kids. He treats you well, is honest and sincere. If the genders were reversed and it was a woman going through a rough time financially nobody would blink an eye about the man paying for vacation or picking up the restaurant checks most of the time. This attitude of entitlement that some female posters display, where the woman deserves to be rescued while a man in the exact shame situation should be kicked to the curb, only reveals their own dearth of character and sense of fairness. They play victim and wave the women's equality banner when it suits them, and revert to the entitlement attitude when it doesn't. Don't be one of those women. I think you need to separate the practical issues from the emotions and feeling and get in touch with how you genuinely feel about each, then make some rational choices. First, decide how you really feel about this man and whether you're in favor of getting married, finances notwithstanding. Then look at the finances and work on a plan together that will allow you to live an acceptable lifestyle. As long as you believe in his resiliency and determination I don't see why any reasonable person would revile him because of a temporary situation. It's not at all unusual for divorce to result in financial hardship and bankruptcy. Marry for love and character. Solve problems as necessary before and during. It's unfortunate, but it really could happen to anyone. 2
smackie9 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Marry for love and character. Solve problems as necessary before and during. It's unfortunate, but it really could happen to anyone. Only in a perfect world. Money troubles is the number one reason why most end up divorced. Moving on from a relationship that doesn't suit your expectations is not a bad thing.
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