emotionsmessmeup Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 a man needs to be dumped to realize ur worth. if u are all nice...he doesnt value u... why is that?
ConfusedInOC Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by emotionsmessmeup a man needs to be dumped to realize ur worth. if u are all nice...he doesnt value u... why is that? Coz we men are stupid and don't know a good thing, even if it whacked us upside the head. Don't use no contact to get someone back. Use it to distance him from you so you can work on healing. Make sure you DO NO BREAK IT. If you let him back too soon, nothing will be learned. If you wait too long, you both might grow apart. It's up to you to figure out when that perfect time is, if it ever happens. Sometimes, as hard as this is to take, they never come back. Guess what?! It wasn't meant to be.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 A man who truly values you won't need to be dumped. By 'truly value' I mean that he is willing to accept what he sees as the 'bad' along with the 'good'. Some men are only in it for the 'good', and those are the ones who don't really value you. They only value the parts of you they like and want.
RecordProducer Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Coz we men are stupid and don't know a good thing, even if it whacked us upside the head. Don't use no contact to get someone back. Use it to distance him from you so you can work on healing. Make sure you DO NO BREAK IT. If you let him back too soon, nothing will be learned. If you wait too long, you both might grow apart. This is very interesting! So you actually admit that a man doesn't value a woman until he loses her? Don't forget, this is not against you, this is something I want to learn about men, because my BF seems to have stopped appreciating me since he realized how much I needed him. No contact and rejection? Is that what I should do to test his love?
Author emotionsmessmeup Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 yup...i think they run after a woman who doesnt need them.
chubachoop Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 From my experience a man will make less effort when the girl starts making more effort. If it gets to the stage where you feel you need to dump your boyfriend in order to gain his attention, then I dont think you should be with him anyway.
ConfusedInOC Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer This is very interesting! So you actually admit that a man doesn't value a woman until he loses her? Don't forget, this is not against you, this is something I want to learn about men, because my BF seems to have stopped appreciating me since he realized how much I needed him. No contact and rejection? Is that what I should do to test his love? I think men, more often than women (though my Ex was like a man in this regard), tend to take their mate for granted. We're less emotional, less likely to "talk" and sometimes it takes drastic measures to get us to "wake up." With my ex, I needed to take a step back every once in a while and thank God for her. No it didn't work out and hey, the good times we had were very good, but I did find myself taking a step back occasionally and just saying "Thank you, God, for bringing her into my life." I'm a better person through this ordeal because now I REALLY know what I want -- and don't want -- from a relationship. And much like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I am a much stronger, confident copy of myself.
BrotherAaron Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Most men don't need to be dumped to know what their girl is worth I thought my ex was the last person I would ever need until she cheated on me. I knew that I loved her more than anything, and I told her so all of the time. I was even ring shopping and planning the day that I would ask her to marry me. Sure, I miss what I had, but I guess she wasn't the one, as sad as that makes me, and I don't want her back (even though I do miss her). Meanwhile, she all of a sudden realized what she lost, and wants me back. She wrote to me in an email and said that she couldn't imagine having a better boyfriend. She said that, after telling her friends about me, they joked about having permission to date me if she doesn't want to. Now she realizes that she's a moron for recklessly destryoing what we had, and she realizes now I'm worth my weight in gold. Sometimes it's the dumpers that get that epiphany. Sometimes the dumpers are stuck with their decision, too. She might have no idea the amount of effort I put into being with her. I changed my lifestyle, I sacrificed so much, and I made sure that, no matter what, we could be together. She couldn't have asked for more effort on my part. Relationships just don't work when it's one sided, no matter which party is undervaluing the other. It's not men who are to blame, women do it too. The more somebody is there for me, the more I feel I need them. The fact that, for a long time, I knew she would always be behind me to support me and keep me together no matter what made me realize that I needed her more than anything. I needed her because she gave me something I couldn't get anywhere else. The fact that I gave her back my support and lovev meant that she needed me too. That's how relationships work.
Marshbear Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron Most men don't need to be dumped to know what their girl is worth I agree. Men like to chase women. If you have to dump him to get his attention then either you never had it or he has lost interest. Love means you put your lovers interest before your own.
HoldOn Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Some people just want what they can't have. If they only want you when you're gone, then perhaps they never loved you in the first place.
fundamental Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron Most men don't need to be dumped to know what their girl is worth I thought my ex was the last person I would ever need until she cheated on me. I knew that I loved her more than anything, and I told her so all of the time. I was even ring shopping and planning the day that I would ask her to marry me. Sure, I miss what I had, but I guess she wasn't the one, as sad as that makes me, and I don't want her back (even though I do miss her). Meanwhile, she all of a sudden realized what she lost, and wants me back. She wrote to me in an email and said that she couldn't imagine having a better boyfriend. She said that, after telling her friends about me, they joked about having permission to date me if she doesn't want to. Now she realizes that she's a moron for recklessly destryoing what we had, and she realizes now I'm worth my weight in gold. Sometimes it's the dumpers that get that epiphany. Sometimes the dumpers are stuck with their decision, too. She might have no idea the amount of effort I put into being with her. I changed my lifestyle, I sacrificed so much, and I made sure that, no matter what, we could be together. She couldn't have asked for more effort on my part. Relationships just don't work when it's one sided, no matter which party is undervaluing the other. It's not men who are to blame, women do it too. The more somebody is there for me, the more I feel I need them. The fact that, for a long time, I knew she would always be behind me to support me and keep me together no matter what made me realize that I needed her more than anything. I needed her because she gave me something I couldn't get anywhere else. The fact that I gave her back my support and lovev meant that she needed me too. That's how relationships work. Excellent point BrotherAaron!
Mattaius Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 I dont think it is an issue of male and female in this case, more just human nature. I have recently suffered from being taken for granted possibly. My ex and i had been together for about 8 months and she got sick and was basically house bound. I went into over drive trying to cater for her every whim, going to see her two or three days a week even when i was supposed to be doing my dissertation. I would always take her a present and would always tell her how much i love her an shower her with affection and never once asked or expected anything in return from her. However when once i did, she got really wound up, and upset and dumped me. I think it was because the whole of the last two months she had had everything handed to her on a platter by me and had not had to exert any effort in the relationship at all to keep me happy. So when i asked her to it possibly seemed unreasonable and so she cut and run. She's not missing me yet because i have still been giving her the affection its been hard to turn it off. I guess the moral of the story is that if you go out of your way too much for someone then they will become acustomed to it. And the more this affection becomes irrespective their actions then the less they will start contributing to the relationship. Which will make it seem like they do not appreciate you when you get fed up feeling like you are the only one trying and also the reason they realise when you are not around any more they will understand what a mistake they have made. As what they have become used to will suddenly no longer be there for them and as much as they have become acustomed to it they will miss it Anyway i hope this is true in my case
ConfusedInOC Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by Mattaius I dont think it is an issue of male and female in this case, more just human nature. I have recently suffered from being taken for granted possibly. My ex and i had been together for about 8 months and she got sick and was basically house bound. I went into over drive trying to cater for her every whim, going to see her two or three days a week even when i was supposed to be doing my dissertation. I would always take her a present and would always tell her how much i love her an shower her with affection and never once asked or expected anything in return from her. However when once i did, she got really wound up, and upset and dumped me. I think it was because the whole of the last two months she had had everything handed to her on a platter by me and had not had to exert any effort in the relationship at all to keep me happy. So when i asked her to it possibly seemed unreasonable and so she cut and run. She's not missing me yet because i have still been giving her the affection its been hard to turn it off. I guess the moral of the story is that if you go out of your way too much for someone then they will become acustomed to it. And the more this affection becomes irrespective their actions then the less they will start contributing to the relationship. Which will make it seem like they do not appreciate you when you get fed up feeling like you are the only one trying and also the reason they realise when you are not around any more they will understand what a mistake they have made. As what they have become used to will suddenly no longer be there for them and as much as they have become acustomed to it they will miss it Anyway i hope this is true in my case Same thing happened to me bro. It sucks to be taken for granted. That's why when the realization hits her I am gone for good, though we'll never get back together, she will regret it. Or, maybe not. Some people will never appreciate being loved, unconditionally...and even "expect" it. My ex was spoiled. Not just by me, but by her family. She sinned, made excuses and never apologized. And I took her back. Me <-- dumbarse!
UCFKevin Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Guys get too comfortable and set in their ways and take things for granted. I've done it before. I'll never do it again.
simplyconfused Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Yea well i was thinking of playing this trick with my bf, cause i think he really does take me for granted, but there were so many good points here about why should a couple like that be together in the first place that i think the best thing is dump him for real.
Carlietta Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 This post is so interesting - I dumped my ex and he came back 5 months later with a whole different attitude. I was glad to be back with him - he treated me much better and I thought NOW he appreciates me. The appreciation lasted 6 months then he went back to his selfish ways. He pulled another good one and I dumped him again. I was all for reconciliation and I do love him but I cannot allow someone to treat me badly (yell at me and be disrespectful). I guess he didn't learn anything the first time around. Dumping him this second time - he may or may not come back. I'm realistic in the fact you kick a dog too many times they'll turn around and bite but I refuse to put up with his lack of respect for me. I'm fighting the urge to call him - we've done the no contact things for 3 weeks and although he owes me an apology I don't see it coming anytime soon - if ever. I'm miserable with him and miserable without him. I keep dumping him hoping he'll learn that yelling and being disrespectful is no the way to go with me. But rushing back to him the minute he calls isn't teaching him anything either. So I'm in a catch 22 situation. Have no clue what to do now.
simplyconfused Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Oh dear, just forget about him. The sooner the better. Men have different attitudes towards women and seems like that guy will treat any woman the way he treats you.
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 So I'm in a catch 22 situation. Have no clue what to do now. When in doubt, DO nothing. Which means, keep doing what you're doing and don't change a thing!
ConfusedInOC Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by Carlietta This post is so interesting - I dumped my ex and he came back 5 months later with a whole different attitude. I was glad to be back with him - he treated me much better and I thought NOW he appreciates me. The appreciation lasted 6 months then he went back to his selfish ways. He pulled another good one and I dumped him again. Hurt me once, shame you. Hurt me twice, shame on ME! I don't blame you for giving him a second chance. It's his fault for not taking it seriously. I was all for reconciliation and I do love him but I cannot allow someone to treat me badly (yell at me and be disrespectful). I guess he didn't learn anything the first time around. Amen. Same with my ex. Except I was the one who didn't learn anything. Dumping him this second time - he may or may not come back. I'm realistic in the fact you kick a dog too many times they'll turn around and bite but I refuse to put up with his lack of respect for me. At this point, why would you want him? You gave him two chances, he blew them both. Good riddance. I'm fighting the urge to call him - we've done the no contact things for 3 weeks and although he owes me an apology I don't see it coming anytime soon - if ever. Don't call him. Delete any and all reminders of him, from photos to phone numbers. The sooner you remove the evidence, the sooner you can move on. I'm miserable with him and miserable without him. Why not be happy with someone else who appreciates you, then? You don't have to be miserable! I keep dumping him hoping he'll learn that yelling and being disrespectful is no the way to go with me. But rushing back to him the minute he calls isn't teaching him anything either. So I'm in a catch 22 situation. Have no clue what to do now. He's not going to change and the choice is obvious. Move on in life, without him.
Mattaius Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 sadly in my case i dont think i have the will power to be able to make her realise that im gone for good im still in her life we had a chat just now and i was all sweet and caring to her as i always was. how will she realise im not there anymore unless i go, i cant just say look im not here anymore you are gonna miss me because she is to stubborn to realise that hank, im never gonna be able to play this the right way
Carlietta Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 THANKS guys!!!! I really appreciate your advice! I was starting to have a Saturday night pity party and your posts saved me from wasting my time. I won't call him, I won't drive by his house, I won't sit and wait for his phone call. If I get the urge to do so I'll re-read your posts. THANKS! This helped! I want to be happy with someone who'll appreciate me and respect me. Here's a quick note to my ex (just to get this out of my system)..... Dear ****, why did you say you loved me more than anything in the world yet when we were together you couldn't keep your eyes off other women? Why when we first started dating did you invite me to the beach house with your mother and sisters and your mother's friend who you had oral sex with 2 months before we met? Do you know how tacky and arrogant that was to bring me on your vacation and subject me to having to meet this woman you fooled around with? Why do you yell at me when I catch you in your little lies - it's not my fault. Why do you show me such lack of respect - yet claim to deeply love me? When I come visit you and spend evenings at your house do you think I want to sit and watch Howard Stern with you? Do you just not have a clue? And do you think I enjoy seeing your porn magazines lying in your bathroom when I go to brush my teeth? It's disrespectful the way you treat me and I deserve better. You want marriage and committment but I don't think you would be faithful. You do not respect me and you do not support me when I need you - you laugh at my emotions and demand I nurture you and take care of you - what about me? I need to fee safe and I need to trust you. I end up paying for dinner and concerts and you never thank me - you spend your time oogling other women. Then you expect me to be loving and nurturing to you when we get home and crawl in bed? You're selfish and self absorbed - it's all about you and you don't honor me as an intelligent woman. I work hard in my job, I'm loyal and devoted - I come over to see you and have sex with you even when I'm sick with bronchitis and you not once offer to say "Why don't you stay home and get some rest - I'll come see you". If I don't come over you complain we don't see each other enough or have sex enough and you berrate me about not cooking you dinner. Yelling at me over something totally insignificant was uncalled for. I don't deserve to be treated that way and why is it you only show your undying love after I've dumped you and weeks have gone by with no contact? Why do you treat me this way? I love you but I can't take being humiliated and taken for granted. You begged me to take you back and I did - you were Mr. Wonderful for a while then you went back to taking me for granted. I know why your exwife left you for another man - you're too selfish and self absorbed and disrespectful to women. I love you but I refuse to settle for being treated like this. You've hurt me too many times - I will stand my ground once again with no contact. You're a jerk and if you just can't stand not looking at other women and porn mags - go knock yourself out. Look all you want - I think you're going to end up old and lonely - just you and your porn mags - locked in your bathroom. I want a guy who is grateful to have me and who doesn't play games and who will appreciate my love and devotion. Who will make me feel secure and be my soft place to fall. I want the basics - trust and honesty. (sorry - I had to write this out and get it off my chest). Now I feel better! I'm putting closure to this and moving ahead.
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