vc87 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I've been dating my boyfriend for three months now .. I really love him and I never felt like this about anyone before in my entire life.. My boyfriend tells me the same thing and that I'm the love of his life and that he wants to marry me and that he didn't know what true love was like before our relationship.. I really couldn't ask for a better guy.. He's everything I never thought I would find and the way I feel about him is really incredible.. The only thing that I'm having into a little bit of a problem (it's not really a problem but I just find it somewhat odd? Not sure how to describe it) is that my boyfriend always feels the need to profess his love and feelings in such an extravagant way and it just seems that he constantly needs to be reassured about how i feel about him as well.. I tell him I love him and how he makes me feel all the time.. There's definitely no shortage of lovey-dovey things said on my part by any means.. A couple examples.. He always randomly asks if I love him.. Even though he says he's just joking around, I still think there's some truth to it.. And last week I was pretty busy running around after work and even though we were talking throughout the day via text and I had plans to see him later on after I finished my errands.. I guess I was taking a little bit longer to reply and I hadn't sent him any gushing with love texts or messages professing how I feel.. he thought something was wrong and that I was mad at him and didn't want to talk to him.. Of course I told him nothing happened and we were fine.. He told me that he loves me so much and he's just so afraid of losing me and that sometimes he just has he thoughts in his head that he's not good enough or that I'm bored with him or that I don't want to be with him.. Etc./stuff along those lines.. Like I said, i know this is a really big problem and it's in no way a deal breaker, but I never had to deal with this before in any past relationship.. What do you do to handle insecurities from a significant other?
Peanut9330 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 In many circumstances people are insecure because they are self conscious which is why they require constant reassurance. I dated a man like that before and in the beginning it was fine and I didn't mind, but after a year it all hit me at once. The relationship became a burden to me and it was very hard for me to enjoy our time together. It's draining to have to constantly reassure someone and not only that it's never enough instead of getting better it just gets worse. If you want to work on this I would talk to him and ask why he feels like he's not good enough and why he feels so insecure. Find the reason behind it and work to find a solution together and hopefully he'll get past it if not counseling is always on option. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It sounds like you're already doing what you can. Assuring him that you love him and that you are fine is okay. But, be careful not enable this constant need for reassurance and validation. You have a life to lead too, and he needs to understand that you will not always be available to him. He needs to self-soothe and learn that these insecurities are about him, not you. Think about it: you were only running errands after work with plans to see him later. And he wasn't comfortable. Imagine if you went out with friends for a night and weren't able to respond. You don't want to turn into his emotional babysittter - I promise you it gets old fast and you will start to resent this. That type of behavior can also quickly turn controlling. He could start to question why you're not answering him quickly, who you're with, etc. It snowballs fast. And I speak from experience when I say it can become toxic. To nip it in the bud, have an open conversation with him. Ask him why he is so afraid of losing you and why he doesn't feel good enough. Perhaps there's something you are or aren't doing that could help. Gently remind him that while you are there and willing to meet him half-way, these are also his issues and he needs to make sure they don't start affecting the relationship. Tell him how sexy confidence and self-assurance are in a man, and how much you love that side of him. (Hopefully he'll take the hint) Also, what are your ages and relationship histories? 1
Keenly Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I've been guilty of behavior like this. It wasn't until I was single for years that I was able to sit down and go through the causes of my dating behavio. I began to act this way when I was unsure about her feelings because I had a subconscious and unknown fear of abandonment. Perhaps he does as well, who knows. 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 This is the guy who snooped your phone, right? (oh yes he did... I think the same as you do....) He's actually creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Honestly, the way he's coming across you're dating a big kid - and at one point, you will get heartily sick and tired of his clingy, needy simpering fawning ways and realise you just can't handle the weight of his dependency, and you'll end it. Which will simply confirm his fears, and make him worse - but that won't be your problem. Just like it's not honestly your problem now. At first it's endearing, charming, and very flattering. But after a while, it's just "Oh for god's sake pack it in, would ya?!" And that will be that. And he will blame himself for the fact he's stifled you and beat up on himself, and recognise his behaviour - but will in all likelihood do precious little to change it. He will just complain that girls don't like him.... Have we seen this pattern before on LS? Oh yes, I think we have..... 1
Satu Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It's not something that you can fix. He has to fix it, and the best that you can do is to encourage him. This actually a fairly common problem, and something that can be resolved. The best solution would be to get some counselling. In this case I would consider Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. He needs to learn ways of dealing with his anxiety himself, because reaching out to you for reassurance only brings temporary relief.
jen1447 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You're right that the 'joking' love validation is really genuine need for love validation. Usually there's some truth behind most every joke. If you really love this guy, I'd suggest you deal with this right now, bc most likely it'll continue unabated or even get worse as time goes on. That means a sit-down talk that covers two things - your love for him, which he doesn't have to question (tho that means you can't dump him two weeks from now lol), and your own need for him to be able to stand on his own two feet, which you should communicate in a very clear insistence that he stop coming off as clingy and needy. Explain that being clingy and needy makes you feel icky, that you don't want to feel icky, and that you need him to stop it. Seriously, you have to be very firm about that. Good luck. 1
Author vc87 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Sorry.... how old are you both? I'm 27, my boyfriend is 28.. We have actually know each other since we we younger/went to school together.. But we weren't close friends.. Got back in touch earlier this year.. Talked for a couple months and then started hanging.. Have been together ever since.. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Ok then I apologise. I honestly thought we were talking about a 17-year-old. Seriously. 1
Emilia Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It's called emotional dependency. As Keenly said, probably abandonment issues. He makes his emotional state depend entirely on you and how you make him feel. Since you are likely to disappoint sometimes, it's not something you can win. No amount of reassurance will be enough. 1
Author vc87 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Also, what are your ages and relationship histories? I'm 27, my boyfriend is 28.. As far as relationships.. Ive been a couple long term relationships when i was younger.. The past few years I've been single majority of the time.. Dated alt but nothing serious came of it..a few months if that.. As far as my boyfriend.. He has been in a few long term relationships as well, honestly used to be quite the ladies man in his earlier 20s and used to fool around and hook up with a lot of girls .. Those days are behind him though, and he was single and had no real desire to talk to anyone/date after his last relationship (which was about 2 years) ended about a year and half ago up until we started talking.. he's been cheated on in the past and a lot of girls he has dated would talk to other guys and basically pretend they were single.. I could understand why he would be insecure because of the past relationships he's been in.. And how it was a pattern he experienced.. Guess he expects the same thing to happen to me.. 1
Author vc87 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 This is the guy who snooped your phone, right? (oh yes he did... I think the same as you do....) He's actually creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Honestly, the way he's coming across you're dating a big kid - and at one point, you will get heartily sick and tired of his clingy, needy simpering fawning ways and realise you just can't handle the weight of his dependency, and you'll end it. Which will simply confirm his fears, and make him worse - but that won't be your problem. Just like it's not honestly your problem now. At first it's endearing, charming, and very flattering. But after a while, it's just "Oh for god's sake pack it in, would ya?!" And that will be that. And he will blame himself for the fact he's stifled you and beat up on himself, and recognise his behaviour - but will in all likelihood do precious little to change it. He will just complain that girls don't like him.... Have we seen this pattern before on LS? Oh yes, I think we have..... And yes! This is the guy who snooped on my phone a few weeks ago.. He denied that he did, but i still think it was too much of a coincidence that all the stuff he brought up came up out of the blue..
Satu Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 He is suffering from emotional disregulation - difficulty modulating his emotions. He needs to learn some self-soothing and self-calming behaviours. This is a bit like a baby that can't stop crying. They can't stop because they don't know how to, or even that its possible to stop. An adult picks them up and soothes them, and they stop. As the child develops, they gradually learn that its possible to stop crying if they have their favourite toy to cuddle, or some nice music is playing. So your boyfriend needs to find ways to manage his emotions without needing to be constantly soothed by you. This is doable, but I think some therapy is needed. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I'd worry. Right now you're in the honeymoon phase. So you're putting your best foot forward and trying very hard based on your infatuation. But that's still not good enough for him. So what happens 1-2 years from now when you're more comfortable and settled? It will only get worse. That's why you need to have an honest discussion with him about it now while you guys are still relatively new. 1
TunaCat Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 That just sounds exhausting. My ex was like this and it got to a point where I was so frustrated with having to continually reassure him that I did love him, that I lost my temper with him. I will never again be in a relationship with anyone that needs that much reassurance. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I agree, it sounds exhausting! It IS exhausting! This would be a deal breaker for me. I've experienced it once before. The guy was very charming and basically id the 'sweep me off my feet' thing in the beginning. Around two months into dating he was all over the marriage/moving in thing too. It wasn't long before he became insecure and clingy with me. Btw, he was 42. I was 43. It quickly ramped up into needing to know what I was doing and who with every moment of the day. Even when I was eating I could not have any time for just me without him asking why I hadn't replied to a text right away or 'within his time frame of acceptable'. It didn't matter at all to him if I was busy - to him any time I was not at work working was time that was meant for him. This is only a tiny snippet of my story. This won't get any better, it will only get worse. My situation got worse. I just wish I had known the patterns of a controlling man before I dated him. I certainly do now though! Good luck. You could try talking to him but I tried that over and over with my guy and it never stuck. He would calm down for a day or so and then the whole thing would kick off again. 2
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 OP's guy sounds more needy than controlling (she didn't mention any controller schedules and reports etc. that I saw), so I do think he could be reached successfully if he's not so insecure that he simply can't be reassured he's ok. Hopefully anyway. 1
Author vc87 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 as of yet, my boyfriend isn't trying to control my time or anything - but I do see him pretty often as it is.. basically everyday.. whenever I do go out with other friends, he usually says he's going to try not to bother me while I'm out with them but he usually ends up sending some massive text about how much he loves me and all that.. Always is quick to throw out his feelings.. I know this might sound like a trivial thing.. Who would complain about someone being upfront about how they feel? but after so many times it just makes me wonder.. no other guy I dated ever was like this constantly.. just not something I'm used to 2
Emilia Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 It's usually an insecure woman's way of handling this. Insecure men stifle it and keep distancing themselves rather than appear clingy. Both are sides of the same coin though, very needy insecure people trying to handle their codependent tendencies. It isn't real love, in a way.
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