Why do exes who I caught red handed and dumped don't want to reconcile?

June 23, 2015

I don't get it. You'd think that exes who have clearly been dumped for probably the best reason there is - would want a second chance with the person they love.

A recent EX was saying how the breakup was all my fault and was hinting that I was the person who was keeping us broken up. So I thought - fck it I forgive you if you forgive me let's give this another shot (A DAY after the breakup) - and she actually turned me down.

Does this sound familiair to anyone here? Is it their coping mechanism - to make me the badguy and tell themselves they did absolutely nothing wrong-?

June 23, 2015

Same happened with my ex, caught her, one day after i told her we should try again, she turned me down.

They just want out, why else would they cheat? You breaking up was the best thing that couldve happened to them. No guilt for them.

June 23, 2015

Not to be an ass, but they probably cheated on you because they didn't like you and therefore they still didn't like you when you told them you'd give them a second chance.

June 23, 2015

Not to be an ass, but they probably cheated on you because they didn't like you and therefore they still didn't like you when you told them you'd give them a second chance.

Harsh, but I guess true.

June 23, 2015

Why would you even want to reconcile with someone who cheated on you?

June 23, 2015

They don't cheat on you because they think you're the perfect bf/husband and for some, being caught is likely a relief since they were too weak to own up to it themselves.

You'd want them to be the ones asking for a second chance - "please forgive me, I messed up". If they aren't saying that, then clearly they don't want a 2nd chance.

June 23, 2015

How the hell, seriously, do you expect a girl to respect you if you would take them back after cheating on you? This shows a lack of confidence in the ability to find someone else. There is so many, sooo many better girls out there for you. She is turning it on you because she doesn't respect you.

I don't even know why you're considering going back. Your ex girlfriend is so turned off of you right now for you even suggesting getting back together right away. She clearly is already not in love with you (hence the cheating). Even if she did take you back, which is messed up how SHE'S choosing by the way (she should be begging for forgiveness), what makes you think she would stop cheating? You're excusing bad behaviour man.

Women want to be with a man who have self respect. Please, even if she comes back, don't even consider it. I promise you you'll find someone better if you heal properly and improve as a person.

She did you a favour. It'll take a while, but one day you'll see it.

June 23, 2015

Not to be an ass, but they probably cheated on you because they didn't like you and therefore they still didn't like you when you told them you'd give them a second chance.

Yes that's true and I knew that.

But I don't think that's the case with my most recent ex.

Who had "just" been browsing around on dating sites. Because I am very sure she was very happy with me the last couple of days before I found out.

That's why she was hinting that she wanted a second chance, which I thought I'd give her if it wouldn't happen again etc.

And then immediately when she gets that 2nd chance she turns 180* and actually declines!

I just find that really frustrating, because it will put me off ever giving any woman a second chance since they'd just shoot me down again.

June 23, 2015

I think your premise is wrong:

You'd think that exes who have clearly been dumped for probably the best reason there is [CHEATING] - would want a second chance with the person they love.

Let me make it more obvious to you:

[CHEATING] - would want a second chance with the person they love.

and a little more obvious:

[CHEATING] - [on] the person they love.

and finally

[CHEATING] - love

doesn't compute.

June 23, 2015

So she was solely browsing on a dating site or was it more involved than that? In general, a girl is not very very happy in the relationship if she's browsing a dating site or cheating - point blank period. She may be very good at acting like she's happy though.

I think some people on this forum have this stupidly plain view that if your ex gf or bf ever disrespects you, you should run far far away, cut them out of your life completely and never look back. It's just stupid and too basic. If a girl cheated on you because she hated a certain thing about you and you are not only willing but also actually capable of changing that thing, she will not know until you tell her - it's worth talking through these issues even after someone was disloyal. Sometimes people cheat because they think you don't care - maybe you've been cold recently because of some other stressor, in these cases it's also helpful to speak the truth about how you feel.

Humans are animals. Animals have a primal urge for sex and monogamy is a situation we force ourselves into, it is not natural. There are certainly circumstances, although they may be the minority, where someone cheats because of primal urges, yet still truly cares about the other person but due to a lack of communication or understanding - they were not on the same page. Relationships are a huge spectrum, it's not only white (you're perfect together she totally respects everything about you) and black (omg she was disrespectful, it must be all her fault and you're perfect, definitely don't take any blame, just run away from the situation and cry while you go NC) like people on here make t seem.

June 23, 2015

So she was solely browsing on a dating site or was it more involved than that? In general, a girl is not very very happy in the relationship if she's browsing a dating site or cheating - point blank period. She may be very good at acting like she's happy though.

I think some people on this forum have this stupidly plain view that if your ex gf or bf ever disrespects you, you should run far far away, cut them out of your life completely and never look back. It's just stupid and too basic. If a girl cheated on you because she hated a certain thing about you and you are not only willing but also actually capable of changing that thing, she will not know until you tell her - it's worth talking through these issues even after someone was disloyal. Sometimes people cheat because they think you don't care - maybe you've been cold recently because of some other stressor, in these cases it's also helpful to speak the truth about how you feel.

Humans are animals. Animals have a primal urge for sex and monogamy is a situation we force ourselves into, it is not natural. There are certainly circumstances, although they may be the minority, where someone cheats because of primal urges, yet still truly cares about the other person but due to a lack of communication or understanding - they were not on the same page. Relationships are a huge spectrum, it's not only white (you're perfect together she totally respects everything about you) and black (omg she was disrespectful, it must be all her fault and you're perfect, definitely don't take any blame, just run away from the situation and cry while you go NC) like people on here make t seem.

This poster has a point. Some people can accept, forgive and forget if their SO cheats on them, while others can't. Where you come down on that is totally up to you OP, it's a personal decision. That said, for your own well-being, I think you ought to be able to articulate a cogent explanation of why you'd do that, otherwise, you might unwittingly stick yourself with a girl whose first option when the relationship hits some bumps is to go soothe herself with somebody else, assuming that's not alright with you.

But even if it is just your feelings, then if

I didn't think you cared about me any more, so I cheated on you

earns your pardon, then, hey, that's up to you. I think the poster is also right that most people on this forum would give their cheater the boot, and never look back and advise you to do the same. I know I did, and I've received that punishment. It was fair, and I accepted it as gracefully as the circumstances allowed.

Also, if you're going to include prowling on a website under the general heading of "cheating" then you have to acknowledge there are various degrees of cheating. It is one thing to catch your GF on a website reading profiles vs. catching her in bed, legs spread and screaming in orgasmic pleasure while she takes it. I don't think I count the web activity as cheating. Bad behavior that warrants a conversation, sure, but cheating? No, not in my book.

Either way, people who do this while they are dating don't really love you, no matter what they say or how affectionate they are. They love themselves, and they don't think too much about how you will be affected. I'll stick by my analysis above.

June 26, 2015

I think some people on this forum have this stupidly plain view that if your ex gf or bf ever disrespects you, you should run far far away, cut them out of your life completely and never look back. It's just stupid and too basic.

Definitely agree with you there. I mean then there would probably be no more long term relationships

Which we have actually already come to (in my experience).

Of course you should try and fix things BEFORE breaking up. But sometimes stuff gets too emotional and actions get misinterpreted - thus leading to an unwanted breakup.

I say try and work it out for a couple of more days and see if it is salvageable, if not - move on.

But I guess that is very idealistic.

Because my breakups have never been salvageable since the other party 'moves on' within hours of the breakup. Without having really tried to solve anything.

Thanks for the responses.

June 26, 2015

some people "try" people out.

June 26, 2015

I think some people on this forum have this stupidly plain view that if your ex gf or bf ever disrespects you, you should run far far away, cut them out of your life completely and never look back. It's just stupid and too basic.

I think that is because many here have experienced the downsides of sticking with people who disrespected them in all sorts of ways including cheating.

It is the voice of experience, saying

"Please do not make the mistakes I made, please go find someone who respects you, cares for you and loves you.

Do not waste one more minute of your life staying with someone who, 1,2,5,10,25,40,... years down the line, you will regret giving the time of day to."

June 26, 2015

Love isn't enough.

There has to be love, respect, and a whole bunch of other things, for a relationship to work and last.