JJCaliGirl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I can honestly say, my heart is broken and I miss the former boy very much. It doesn't help that we had plans for several months to see a special yearly event tonight, and just thinking about him possibly seeing it with another girl (he's a multi-dater and the reason I ended it) is just giving me massive butterflies and pangs of jealousy. We've since talked after I called it off, and both agreed to go no contact with each other until time has passed. I like thinking this decision is the best long term, but why am I having so many second thoughts?! Is it because there are other girls?! I did admit to him in our recent conversation how real our relationship was to me, but I don't think this phased him one bit. He mentioned previously that all I needed to say that I didn't want him to see other girls, but I didn't know he was seeing other girls. I know we didn't communicate clearly with each other about what we expected, but I am kicking myself for not being explicit. So when does all of this self-doubt and hurt end? I'm trying to keep busy with work, family, and working out, but it's just too hard to focus without being reminded of him throughout the day. I don't think it helps that I'm feeling a little randy, and wish I could be in his arms. *face palm* I'm in my mid-30s and shouldn't be feeling this way! Do I just need to put myself out there and go on a bunch of dates? Disclaimer: I've been heartbroken before, but with this in perspective, the first time was just my first love. This was so much deeper than that even though this recent relationship didn't last nearly as long.
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) Who is this man? Dear, that sucky feeling is not going to last long. Just take a day to sulk, pout and feel miserable, preferably with ice cream and cookie dough. Then back on the saddle and out there living our life again :-) Edited June 23, 2015 by Gaeta
Author JJCaliGirl Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 All total, it was about 4 months with some very intense times (physically, emotionally, etc..). And I know that it isn't that long, which is one of the reasons why I'm beating myself up about this because I'm a big girl and know how to shake stuff off and move on. And yes, I think some ice cream and wine are in order for me tonight when I get home from work!
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 All total, it was about 4 months with some very intense times (physically, emotionally, etc..). And I know that it isn't that long, which is one of the reasons why I'm beating myself up about this because I'm a big girl and know how to shake stuff off and move on. And yes, I think some ice cream and wine are in order for me tonight when I get home from work! Four months is a considerable amount of time to invest in someone I do understand your disappointment. Although it feels bad right now it won't last that long. This feeling of missing someone is a brain reaction to a change of pathways. You have 4 months of pathways to undo so in 2 weeks you will be as good as new.
Author JJCaliGirl Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Who is this man? I met him online, and we had an instant connection. You know when you feel like you have known this person your entire life? There was never one moment that conversation did not flow easily, and even with our breakups, neither of us had a problem stating how we felt about the entire thing. And forget about our physical connection! Whew! I know he also felt the same way because he said this multiple times that we just made sense together. I get that breakups mean a loss of a friend which is one of the things that is making this difficult. It's also one of the reasons why I'm so frustrated with how it ended. I'll get over it....le sigh...
Emmie83 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 If you don't mind me asking....why did you break up with him if you two were so amazing together?
Author JJCaliGirl Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 If you don't mind me asking....why did you break up with him if you two were so amazing together? Long story short, miscommunication about our expectations and whether or not we were exclusive. I thought we were exclusive based on comments we both made, but he is unapologetically a multi-dater. I cannot (in my heart and mind) have sex with someone while actively seeing others on the side without explicitly stating this from the start. Had we said that we were keeping it open, my pants would've stayed on. I admitted to him that my reaction probably wasn't ideal, but I felt like I was sucker punched.
losangelena Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 OP, despite what's happened in the past with this guy, would you date him exclusively now if you had the chance? I mean, y'all had a misunderstanding, it sounds like. How sincere do you think he is when he says something like, "all I needed to say that I didn't want him to see other girls?" What if you were to lay it on the line to him that you care enough about him to want to pursue things? DO you want to pursue things?
mystikmind2005 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 hmmm how would he have time to date other women without lying to you about where he was or what he was doing? 1
Author JJCaliGirl Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 OP, despite what's happened in the past with this guy, would you date him exclusively now if you had the chance? I mean, y'all had a misunderstanding, it sounds like. How sincere do you think he is when he says something like, "all I needed to say that I didn't want him to see other girls?" What if you were to lay it on the line to him that you care enough about him to want to pursue things? DO you want to pursue things? I've thought about this, and I think he was sincere. This makes me kick myself because why didn't I just ask. And if he contacted me this week, I would be a little apprehensive because my emotions are raw, but we would need to be explicit about what we want or expect out of a 3rd try. At the end of the day though, I would give it my all again because I cannot be one of those people who has regrets. hmmm how would he have time to date other women without lying to you about where he was or what he was doing? You have no idea how many times I've wondered if he really was spending time with his family and friends considering how many other girls he said he was going on dates with. So many questions, and yet, I still want to trust him because I don't want to feel like I was played.
losangelena Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I've thought about this, and I think he was sincere. This makes me kick myself because why didn't I just ask. And if he contacted me this week, I would be a little apprehensive because my emotions are raw, but we would need to be explicit about what we want or expect out of a 3rd try. At the end of the day though, I would give it my all again because I cannot be one of those people who has regrets. Then why are you waiting for him, then? What would happen if you told him what you wanted? I mean, I guess there's a chance he could say, "naw," but what if he says "yes I'll be exclusive?" I guess I don't understand why that can't come from you.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 It doesn't help that we had plans for several months to see a special yearly event tonight, and just thinking about him possibly seeing it with another girl (he's a multi-dater and the reason I ended it) is just giving me massive butterflies and pangs of jealousy. I'm curious, what was the event that you two were supposed to see tonight?
Author JJCaliGirl Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) Then why are you waiting for him, then? What would happen if you told him what you wanted? I mean, I guess there's a chance he could say, "naw," but what if he says "yes I'll be exclusive?" I guess I don't understand why that can't come from you. We agreed on no contact. I actually have no way to contact him anymore. Another long story but this guy makes me weak, so the ball is in his court. I'm curious, what was the event that you two were supposed to see tonight? An art show in a town near us. They open the studios in the area so people can walk in and see what the local artists have been up to. I actually don't live in California anymore, but it's where I left my heart. Edited June 24, 2015 by JJCaliGirl
toscaroscura Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I did admit to him in our recent conversation how real our relationship was to me, but I don't think this phased him one bit. He mentioned previously that all I needed to say that I didn't want him to see other girls, but I didn't know he was seeing other girls. I know we didn't communicate clearly with each other about what we expected, but I am kicking myself for not being explicit. I think this is BS. If he really wanted to be with you, and only you, he would be. He's trying to retroactively make it all your fault and that smacks of mind-f*ckery.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I've thought about this, and I think he was sincere. This makes me kick myself because why didn't I just ask. And if he contacted me this week, I would be a little apprehensive because my emotions are raw, but we would need to be explicit about what we want or expect out of a 3rd try. At the end of the day though, I would give it my all again because I cannot be one of those people who has regrets. You have no idea how many times I've wondered if he really was spending time with his family and friends considering how many other girls he said he was going on dates with. So many questions, and yet, I still want to trust him because I don't want to feel like I was played. Yes well here's the thing, time is a constant force of the universe, it is non negotiable and it has a habit of being the undoing of liars, because no matter how good he may be at lying, he cannot bend time, he cannot hide those times he made excuses and lied to you to go and be with someone else.
Author JJCaliGirl Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I think this is BS. If he really wanted to be with you, and only you, he would be. He's trying to retroactively make it all your fault and that smacks of mind-f*ckery. One thing that stuck with me is he always said you, you, you when we talked about what happened. And he never once said sorry. Yes well here's the thing, time is a constant force of the universe, it is non negotiable and it has a habit of being the undoing of liars, because no matter how good he may be at lying, he cannot bend time, he cannot hide those times he made excuses and lied to you to go and be with someone else. I agree with you. I think I struggle most with trusting him. Again, I want to so I don't feel played, but my gut is my gut for a reason, right?! ----- I appreciate all of the advice and support. My girlfriends took me out last night to help put things into perspective for me. Waking up today, I feel much better and just think I had an extreme moment of weakness yesterday. I did have 2 guys contact me from online, and who knows, one of them may be who I'm looking for. Next! Thank you again!
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