learnbyliving Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 1. He broke up with me just over a week ago because he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. There were never any arguments and we had good times together, so we both reiterated the possibility of being friends after a period of time apart. 2. I did not want to breakup, and it's been quite difficult for me to deal with it as everything was going well, but I accept it. Cynics will not believe me, but I would not get back together even if he changed his mind in the future. I just don't imagine putting myself back in a scenario where it brings up painful memories, plus seeds of doubt would have been planted from the first breakup. There is also a chance I will be moving to another city soon. 3. I don't think we will ever have a deep friendship, but I like keeping different levels of friends. Someone you can hang out with, share funny links with, etc .. that's fine with me. 4. He broke no contact with me after a week just checking up. It's been superficial texts once a day since. I reply because I made a deal of wanting to be friends and also I thought I could handle low contact due to my sincere belief we mutually do not want to reconcile. 5. Predictable, but I cannot handle low contact right now because I'm still getting over him. There is no expectation of reconciliation but the expectation of receiving the next text, even hours away, is too hard. I know I need to re-enter no contact. Instead of jumping straight back into NC, I want to send a message saying I look forward to hanging out as friends in the future but I need time to detach. It is admitting my vulnerabilities but he's not an a*hole so I don't think it's too bad. I think it might give him some relief also, because he probably doesn't enjoy this forced superficial texting either, but doesn't want to drop out on me suddenly. Second, has anyone tried setting defined NC goals like 3 weeks? As in, you give yourself permission to reach out after 3 weeks if you really want to check up on them. Tough love on these boards will likely say it's a bad idea, but you are still healing during the 3 weeks? I feel like my type of personality would tolerate this better. And again my ex is not an ass so I feel 'safe' doing so. Feedback with similar experiences would be much appreciated.
OldSoul86 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Personally, I would not reach out. I made that mistake in my last last relationship! If you genuinely feel in your heart that you'll be friends down the road, then let it happen naturally. I don't think that he will forget about you if stick with no contact until you're ready to reach out. Without knowing the particulars of your break up, I would say that 3 weeks is not enough time anyways. 3 months maybe. If you two are truly destined to be friends, 3 weeks or 3 months won't make a difference anyways. You also need to examine your reasons to check in on someone you're no longer in a relationship with. All bets are off and you owe no one any courtesies once you're broken up. If you want to have the best chance of success at a friendship - I would quadruply make sure that you have zero vested interest romantically with this person anymore.
pidgeon1010 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 1. He broke up with me just over a week ago because he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. There were never any arguments and we had good times together, so we both reiterated the possibility of being friends after a period of time apart. 2. I did not want to breakup, and it's been quite difficult for me to deal with it as everything was going well, but I accept it. Cynics will not believe me, but I would not get back together even if he changed his mind in the future. I just don't imagine putting myself back in a scenario where it brings up painful memories, plus seeds of doubt would have been planted from the first breakup. There is also a chance I will be moving to another city soon. 3. I don't think we will ever have a deep friendship, but I like keeping different levels of friends. Someone you can hang out with, share funny links with, etc .. that's fine with me. 4. He broke no contact with me after a week just checking up. It's been superficial texts once a day since. I reply because I made a deal of wanting to be friends and also I thought I could handle low contact due to my sincere belief we mutually do not want to reconcile. 5. Predictable, but I cannot handle low contact right now because I'm still getting over him. There is no expectation of reconciliation but the expectation of receiving the next text, even hours away, is too hard. I know I need to re-enter no contact. Instead of jumping straight back into NC, I want to send a message saying I look forward to hanging out as friends in the future but I need time to detach. It is admitting my vulnerabilities but he's not an a*hole so I don't think it's too bad. I think it might give him some relief also, because he probably doesn't enjoy this forced superficial texting either, but doesn't want to drop out on me suddenly. Second, has anyone tried setting defined NC goals like 3 weeks? As in, you give yourself permission to reach out after 3 weeks if you really want to check up on them. Tough love on these boards will likely say it's a bad idea, but you are still healing during the 3 weeks? I feel like my type of personality would tolerate this better. And again my ex is not an ass so I feel 'safe' doing so. Feedback with similar experiences would be much appreciated. I don't think there is any reason for you to let him know you are going no contact let alone tell him for how long. I am going through something similar except I still want my ex back so I am working through that. Ex broke up with me because he is/was moving for a job. A few weeks after the breakup, we met up to discuss doing long distance, etc. He texted me when he got home thanking me for seeing me, etc. Next day he emailed telling me he missed me, etc. and we continued emailing for a little over month (cordial, mostly general topics we would usually have in person). He was still trying to figure out his career as he had a setback with the job he was moving for so he went back the drawing board to find something else. All this while he was emailing, keeping me updated about interviews, voicing his frustrations, etc. Two weeks ago, he sent another email talking about run of mill stuff and I haven't responded since although I am sure he expected a response. There have only been two times in the last month where we haven't emailed daily. Anyways my point is, if you find that the amount/level of contact is hindering your progress at moving on, you can distance yourself without having to explain to your ex. I got tired of having paragraphs and paragraphs of email conversation with someone who lives a few miles away. He may come back or he may not, probably not but oh well. I am just trying to get some semblance of normalcy back into my life so I can move forward. 2 weeks 1 day of NC but who is counting?
mightycpa Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 1. He broke up with me just over a week ago because he didn't want to be in a committed relationship. There were never any arguments and we had good times together, so we both reiterated the possibility of being friends after a period of time apart. 2. I did not want to breakup, and it's been quite difficult for me to deal with it as everything was going well, but I accept it. Cynics will not believe me, but I would not get back together even if he changed his mind in the future. I just don't imagine putting myself back in a scenario where it brings up painful memories, plus seeds of doubt would have been planted from the first breakup. There is also a chance I will be moving to another city soon. 3. I don't think we will ever have a deep friendship, but I like keeping different levels of friends. Someone you can hang out with, share funny links with, etc .. that's fine with me. 4. He broke no contact with me after a week just checking up. It's been superficial texts once a day since. I reply because I made a deal of wanting to be friends and also I thought I could handle low contact due to my sincere belief we mutually do not want to reconcile. 5. Predictable, but I cannot handle low contact right now because I'm still getting over him. There is no expectation of reconciliation but the expectation of receiving the next text, even hours away, is too hard. I know I need to re-enter no contact. Instead of jumping straight back into NC, I want to send a message saying I look forward to hanging out as friends in the future but I need time to detach. It is admitting my vulnerabilities but he's not an a*hole so I don't think it's too bad. I think it might give him some relief also, because he probably doesn't enjoy this forced superficial texting either, but doesn't want to drop out on me suddenly. Second, has anyone tried setting defined NC goals like 3 weeks? As in, you give yourself permission to reach out after 3 weeks if you really want to check up on them. Tough love on these boards will likely say it's a bad idea, but you are still healing during the 3 weeks? I feel like my type of personality would tolerate this better. And again my ex is not an ass so I feel 'safe' doing so. Feedback with similar experiences would be much appreciated.Setting ANY time limit is a bad idea. You simply do not know how long this will bother you. You might be over him tomorrow. It might take a year or longer. You just don't know. There's an old saying: Don't call me, I'll call you. You should go with a modern version of that. What I do know is that when you are over it, you probably will not feel like contacting him, as you will be quite indifferent about it.
Author learnbyliving Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 It might well be that I'll feel indifferent when I'm over it. But I could not go directly into NC; I had to say it to him, and I think I'll be better holding myself to it because I said it. No time lines were set. I have a feeling based on how much vulnerability I showed, he wouldn't reach out first next time anyway. So it is don't call me, I'll call you by default. Here's back to day 0 NC. It hurts.
54JA Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 With this one particular ex (of 4 years), who broke up with me several times, I always asked him not to contact me for at least 6 months to a year (the length of time I estimated I needed to get over him). Because we broke up so many times, I wanted to end it, but just did not have the courage to really end it. I knew that, despite my feeling deep down inside that he was not right for me, I could not move on if I stayed in contact with him. Long story short, setting the time limit did not help, because my ex did not respect my wishes and broke NC every time, hence the multiple mini-break up that unnecessarily prolonged the process. I knew I needed lots of support to maintain NC (asking friends not to talk about him, asking family not to talk about him, asking the ex not to contact me, etc). I think setting the limit works only if your ex respects your wish to be left alone, and you can estimate how much time you need to completely get over him.
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