lovebirds Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I asked a guy out (known him for 6 months, became friends, tension has been building between us). He took me to a concert, introduced me to some of his friends who were there and then the two of us went out for drinks, dinner and more drinks. We flirted a lot. On the way home he told me he was not really looking for a relationship. (That line really is a classic, isn't it?) I'm 25, he's 27. We kissed when we had to say goodbye. He texted me the next day to tell me he had a great time and we should have a second date. I am guessing this is the highway to heartbreak - I will probably get more feelings (knowing myself). I should probably not go on a second date to protect myself. But damn, I need to get laid soooo bad and I am attracted to him both mentally and physically, which rarely happens. It feels so good. I'm torn.
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I asked a guy out (known him for 6 months, became friends, tension has been building between us). He took me to a concert, introduced me to some of his friends who were there and then the two of us went out for drinks, dinner and more drinks. We flirted a lot. On the way home he told me he was not really looking for a relationship. (That line really is a classic, isn't it?) I'm 25, he's 27. We kissed when we had to say goodbye. He texted me the next day to tell me he had a great time and we should have a second date. I am guessing this is the highway to heartbreak - I will probably get more feelings (knowing myself). I should probably not go on a second date to protect myself. But damn, I need to get laid soooo bad and I am attracted to him both mentally and physically, which rarely happens. It feels so good. I'm torn. You need to get clear in your head about what you want for yourself in the long run and the person you are dating needs to be on the same page. That line really is a classic, isn't it? -- It is also being upfront and honest about his intentions. And, you asked him out, he didn't ask you, have sex with you and then drop the 'bomb". This man was honest with you and you need to be honest with him and yourself. He wants to date casually without leading to a relationship, and you want more with someone. Don't bother to date him and don't do it just because you want sex unless you can handle doing that without becoming emotionally attached. Switching/co-mingling dating goals/scenarios becomes confusing and causes more heartbreak than you might experience anyway. Dating him, knowing what you know and hoping that he may decide he wants that with you, it a waste of time and emotion. That is the kind of scenario where usually the woman finally needs to move on or he moves on and the woman feels as though she was used, when in fact, she allowed herself to be used or strung along. 1
salparadise Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Yea, agree with Redhead- if you pursue it this will backfire all over the place. You're into him, you asked him out, and you want to jump his bones... under the guise of a generic "needing to get laid." Pfffft. You're about an inch away from falling in love, already in heat. Your smart play would be to make him pursue you for a shot at getting laid, whether he wants a relationship or not... and hold out until/unless you get him as invested as you are. But that ain't happening because a) you're already chasing him, and b) he's almost certainly a guy with a multitude of options, and c) he's not that into you. So what's going to happen... you're going to keep pursuing and phukk him, and he's going to say, "hey, thanks! I liked that. Let's do it again someday." Then you're going to cry and post here about how heartless and cruel he is... and why, if he didn't want a relationship, would he use you like a sex toy? It must be very hard to be a woman trying to nail down a top five percenter. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) he told me he was not really looking for a relationship. -- That is also your cue to say, "I've had a nice time with you, but we are not on the same page. I am looking for a relationship for myself. We should move on." And stick to it if he says something like "oh, well, um, let's give it a try". And, this was really perfect because he told you FIRST. You didn't have to tip your hand. In other words sometimes a woman will reveal her dating goals first and a "quick" guy will say, 'hey, yeah, that's what I want" and you go down the road to sleep with him and then he goes away. And, that could happen anyway, but that is when your dating and observations skills come in. You observe whether he continues to keep in good contact and date you properly. If he doesn't, he didn't really want a relationship with anyone or possible just you, but told you what he knew you wanted to hear Edited June 23, 2015 by Redhead14
Author lovebirds Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Yea, agree with Redhead- if you pursue it this will backfire all over the place. You're into him, you asked him out, and you want to jump his bones... under the guise of a generic "needing to get laid." Pfffft. You're about an inch away from falling in love, already in heat. Your smart play would be to make him pursue you for a shot at getting laid, whether he wants a relationship or not... and hold out until/unless you get him as invested as you are. But that ain't happening because a) you're already chasing him, and b) he's almost certainly a guy with a multitude of options, and c) he's not that into you. So what's going to happen... you're going to keep pursuing and phukk him, and he's going to say, "hey, thanks! I liked that. Let's do it again someday." Then you're going to cry and post here about how heartless and cruel he is... and why, if he didn't want a relationship, would he use you like a sex toy? It must be very hard to be a woman trying to nail down a top five percenter. This is all absolutely correct, and I knew all of that. I'm not sure why I came to post my thoughts here. Probably there is a vague hope somewhere in me that someone will tell me: "go for it, you never know, he might change his mind! If not, too bad!" He's not a five percenter though, far from it. He's not 'out of my league'. Although I guess, he is.
Author lovebirds Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 he told me he was not really looking for a relationship. -- That is also your cue to say, "I've had a nice time with you, but we are not on the same page. I am looking for a relationship for myself. We should move on." And stick to it if he says something like "oh, well, um, let's give it a try". Thing is, I'm not even sure if I am looking for a relationship. I'm a bit pissed off at myself because I want to just enjoy being young (I had a six year long term relationship 17-23), not care, have sex, enjoy him, enjoy myself, explore my sexual self. But I can't seem to turn off my feelings. I'll probably still end up diving headlong into it and getting hurt, and I want to kick myself for it.
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Thing is, I'm not even sure if I am looking for a relationship. I'm a bit pissed off at myself because I want to just enjoy being young (I had a six year long term relationship 17-23), not care, have sex, enjoy him, enjoy myself, explore my sexual self. But I can't seem to turn off my feelings. I'll probably still end up diving headlong into it and getting hurt, and I want to kick myself for it. because I want to just enjoy being young -- Then that's exactly what you should do. Yeah, this guy is on that page and the problem is that you already have feelings for him. I'd move on from dating him but find someone else who doesn't want a relationship. If you like him, enjoy dating him, be intimate and manage your emotions and expectations from the get go.. But, I'd work on getting really clear in your head about what you want for yourself. You gotta get a handle on that in order to be "successful" at dating with a purpose. Dating without a purpose is even harder.
salparadise Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) And, this was really perfect because he told you FIRST. You didn't have to tip your hand. In other words sometimes a woman will reveal her dating goals first and a "quick" guy will say, 'hey, yeah, that's what I want" and... Most guys simply know that the way to get laid is to pursue a relationship–– because that's what women want, that's the deal. Women offer sex for relationship, men offer relationship for sex... traditionally, for about the last 3m years. But the tables are turned with the five percent guy––the reason this guy was able to say to her so casually that he didn't want a relationship is because he can pick up attractive women for sex as easily as an attractive woman can pick up an average guy. Why would he limit himself to one woman unless she were spectacular and he was ready to make babies? So what was he really saying to her? "I can see that you're wet for me, and we can get nekkid if you want to, but none of that freaky-clingy shyt the next day." She's going to bang him... she's wet for him, he knows it, and he already told her it's the best she can do. This guy is savvy! Edited June 23, 2015 by salparadise
Gary S Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) He may have made an offhanded remark, everybody does that sometimes. Or, he could have been sincere? He's acting as if he likes you. If you go out with him again, have a conversation about it, find out why he says he does not want a relationship. and it sounds like you want a more laid-back relationship - you two might make a good couple. But don't guess - talk to him. Edited June 23, 2015 by Gary S 1
Author lovebirds Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 He's not a five percenter. He has not had any significant action in the past year. Because he does not meet many new people (steady job, does not 'go out'). He's more of a nerdy type. I stay away from bad boys. Going to do some yoga and try to let go of my mental clinging. Another thought: i would have slept with him on the second or third date anyways. At least now I can try to let go of some of my feelings and accept it will be just casual, before seeing him again. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 He may have made an offhanded remark, everybody does that sometimes. Or, he could have been sincere? He's acting as if he likes you. If you go out with him again, have a conversation about it, find out why he says he does not want a relationship. and and it sounds like you want a more laid-back relationship - you two might make a good couple. But don't guess - talk to him. It's hard to know for sure, so just talking more is an easier way of managing things instead of guessing, etc. They've known each other for a while too. Nevertheless, Salparadise is probably right in this case. SHE asked him out. And, the majority of women are looking for a relationship. He's likely just doing a little "crystal-balling" -- pun intended
maysj18 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Don't hate on yourself because you get ermotionally attached to guys you sleep with. There is a very huge emotional component with sex that our generation just consistently ignores. Do not put yourself in a situation where you'll get hurt just because you think you have to live in some fantasy world that society has made up. The truth is that a lot of women, and men, struggle with NSA sex and the hurt it can cause. You feel this way for a reason, don't ignore it.
Kamila Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You asked the guy out ? Mmm... done it, and it backfired. It makes you feel 'desperate'. And yeah, the guy sensed that a mile away. Plus he said he doesn't want a relationship. He's warning your poor little soul ? He's feeling sorry for you already ? I wouldn't chase him that much anymore. The only thing you can do is trying to get those hormones (and not 'feelings') like you said 'under check'. Yeah, he's honest and a manipulator. And you're falling right into his trap. This is the highway to heartbreak. Take the first exit as quickly as possible is my advice. Sex is no way a solid base for a relationship.
salparadise Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Yeah, he's honest and a manipulator. And you're falling right into his trap. Why do you say he's a manipulator? If he were pretending to want a relationship just to get laid, when actually did not, that would be manipulative. It's really just a matter of the tables being turned, gender roles reversed with respect to who is chasing whom for what reason, and her not knowing how to play her hand. Lovebirds, all I can tell you is you gotta hold off and get him invested first, or all you'll be is an easy-peasy hookup. If he's not a five percenter then you probably do have a shot if you play it well. I thought all women were born knowing this stuff.
Author lovebirds Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) Lovebirds, all I can tell you is you gotta hold off and get him invested first, or all you'll be is an easy-peasy hookup. If he's not a five percenter then you probably do have a shot if you play it well. I thought all women were born knowing this stuff. I have to say, I adore being chased. But in general, guys don't seem to like to chase me. I tried to make it clear in a subtle way that I was open to being chased. He complimented me, was enthusiastic... But I sensed he was too shy/passive in nature to make a first move. I said 'eff this, I'll just go for it' and asked him out. I did chase after him too much, probably. But he was enthusiastic, interested and flirty on our date. He asked me about my past lovelife and he might have been taken aback by my history (6 years together, lived together). Maybe he thinks that I'm expecting a house, a cat and a baby with him. I'm not sure what "holding off" would entail now. Edited June 23, 2015 by lovebirds
ascendotum Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) I think you're getting it turned around. She's the one who wants sex and he's the one who seems to not care one way or the other. Why do you make it seems like he wants it and she gives it out? These old right wing stereotypes are getting tedious. I agreed with his quote, and I'm not sure how you attributed what he said to a political outlook beyond rights association with conservatism. I didn't interpret that poster as pushing an agenda to traditional times (tho he may prefer that), but rather just pointing out ones of the downsides on the hookup culture for women. There are increasingly more guys wanting to jump on the casual bandwagon and keep options open and less wanting to do a exclusively relationships (until it suits them when they are ready or their ideal girl comes along). It works great when women want to do NSA with some of the sort after guys, but lots of other guys are not not going to want to just be the bf type, when it suits the woman. "Why do you make it seems like he wants it and she gives it out?"...because that does happen a lot with the hookup culture. Plenty of women are DTF if you are a sort after guy. Seems like this guy is no hottie but is wanting to keep his options open but is still flirting with her. Maybe legitimately he likes her and enjoys her company and naturally open to fun but she just doesn't tick enough of the 'ideal gf' boxes for him. Who knows. Yes she wants sex, but with commitment. As a red blooded guy I've no doubt he is up for action with her, but she is not enough for him to be exclusive with her (and miss out opportunities...even if it wishful thinking on his behalf) Edited June 23, 2015 by ascendotum
Kamila Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Why do you say he's a manipulator? If he were pretending to want a relationship just to get laid, when actually did not, that would be manipulative. It's really just a matter of the tables being turned, gender roles reversed with respect to who is chasing whom for what reason, and her not knowing how to play her hand. He's playing the 'I don't want a relationship'- pity card 'but try like crazy and see if i'll change my mind'. If he wasn't manipulative, he wouldn't have said he didn't want a relationship. He wouldn't have said anything. Period. The problem is that she chased after him and he wants it to continue like that forever. He's breaking every barrier she has set up. It crumbles because she doesn't know how a manipulator is thinking. He's testing her and she's failing her own tests to his advantage. She should back off and get him invested like you told her. But i'm afraid that chance is getting smaller and smaller, because she made the first move. It could take another turn, but come on, guys don't think like that. This guy and his friends are probably laughing behind her back about how a doormat she is. Sorry to think like that about men, but most of them are. The minute you show some feelings or clingyness they look at you like you have some kind of disease. Lovebirds, some great advice of me handling manipulative men: don't have pity for that guy. Let him earn your attention. Believe me, he'll start to wonder where you went ...
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