Salsa Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Hi everyone!! My name is Kelly and I'm a single mom to my 3 year old Danielle. This is the forum where I decided to start with because it where I need the most help. We are in the coping forum, right? Well here is my story and it could get long, but I will do my very best to keep it short. I am almost 30 years old and thought I knew what love was when I married my ex-husband in 2000. My ex husband is all in all a good person, but has had some past problems that just never seem to leave him alone. This isn't about my ex husband, so I will move on. I separated from my husband numerous times in our marriage. I gave him one last chance in March of 2003 and 6 months later, I had enough. I started going out and I did meet someone and that is what this post will be about. His name is Rick. I am not the kind of person to just fall in love, I don't trust or let anyone in very easy. Even though my husband was my husband, I had a wall built around me (I should of never got married). Here is a little background on Rick. He was married for 9 years, with the same girl for almost 12. He is turning 34 on Wednesday. Rick and I ended up on a dart league together and that is I guess where it started. I'm not a very religous person, but I feel like he was sent to me for some purpose. Almost instantly, we clicked. And that wall that has been there all my life came tumbling down, and I didn't even realize it was happening. It was actually like that for both of us. He is the same way as me when it comes to letting people get close to him, he just doesn't let it happen. We started spending lots of time together, said things to each other that we never thought would come out of our mouths (I love you, etc). Back to my ex-husband, 30 days later I moved out of my apartment with my daughter. Not because of Rick, but because I knew I wasn't truly in love with him. My daughter was almost 2 at the time and didn't understand what was going on. I felt it was only fair to her and myself that I leave my ex. When I did this, my family turned on me. I'm the baby in my family and no matter how old I am, they will always treat me as such. They didn't agree with me leaving my husband and they blamed it on Rick. So here I am in an apartment with no furniture (except for my daughters play pen), and no money. I sold all my jewelry to survive. I was so hurt by my family that I refused to go to them. I'm sorry, this post is going to be long. Well, I also switched jobs too. I worked on 100% commission and being a newly single mom, I needed a steadier income. So I quit my job of 4 years to move on. I did move on and got fired at my new job, I had pneumonia. I have never been fired in my entire life, but continued to move on. And this became a pattern with my next 2 jobs, getting fired. Again, that's not me. Anyway, I actually started a new job 2 days ago. This is going way off track. Back to Rick and I, but honestly this will all tie in at the end of this. He stuck by me through all of this. My family, my ex husband, my jobs, me being sick for almost 4 months, just everything. And plus, he had is own personal problems just getting out of a divorce. We had no money, but did what we could...board games, etc. It seemed like our whole relationship was about problems in our own lives, but we still loved each other very very much. It's kind of like him and I never really knew the real each other, but we were still in love. We never got that chance to know the "problem free happy selves" I never questioned his feelings for me ever. Not a lot of men would stick around even for one of these things, couples get divorced over it. Well 3 months ago, things drastically changed. He started working 2 jobs and started going out more. It was getting to the point where we felt married, neither one of us wanted that yet. It was just so routine, and very scary. He met someone and started dating her, and I did too (well sort of). I couldn't get past my feelings for Rick. I just would love to know how men block out feelings like that. We still continue to talk to each other and make comments like we don't want to be together "right now". How does love like that just go away? Why do we still talk? I was reading some of the posts and replies and they all say stop contact. I have changed my number now 2 times, asked him not to call, etc. But of course, one of us breaks that and makes contact. It's been 3 months and I can't get past this or feel even close to it. Some days are great and some I just cry. If one thing reminds me of him, I cry. I cry all the time, and trust me I'm not a cryer. He is one of the few people in my life that has ever seen my cry. Any little thing that reminds me of him, it could be something so little as white chocolate, or sock fuzz (don't ask). Again some days are better, but most of the time I'm sad. He has no idea what a hard time I'm having with this. I have even lost 20 + pounds and I'm small to begin with. I don't know how to get by it. I know some of the posts said to go out, move on. It doesn't work with me, I feel like the most unsociable person alive when I'm around other people. Then I feel bad and go home. Nothing seems to work, nothing. I mean honestly, how does love like that just go away? Can men truly block out their feelings? I feel that there is a reason why we still talk to each other, but have no clue why we do. I can't break total contact with him and I do know that is the best thing to do right now, I just can't do it. The 2 times I changed my number, I gave it to him within 24 hours. What was kind of funny is I have gone out on a couple dates and just gone out and I saw the point of that trapped feeling when your not ready for it, and being scared. But it doesn't not erase how I feel about him. I do talk to my family more now, but it will never be like it use to. You are probably wondering why I haven't said much about my daughter in this..well I have left her out of this whole mess since day one. I am officially divorced now and we share joint custody of her. I have been with Rick for over a year and a half now. The thoughts about him being with another girl are so hard.....I can't stand it. It makes me literally sick. He has made me a stronger person through all of this (atleast I thought), he made me realize things about myself I never knew were there, he has just changed my life in so many ways I never knew possible. I'm sorry this post was so long and thank you so much if you read it all. I just need some advice on what to do here and hope someone here can help me.
greenhorn Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Well Salsa I read your post and can understand where you are coming from. I don't care if others agree to my views that I am going to post here but I will do my part. First thing in this world, that we do wrong is to think that this LIFE is easy, it was never meant to be easy and would never be easy, the earlier we accept it the better it is. Ofcourse there are exception to it, I have myself seen many people getting everything in platter, but exceptions can't be examples, isn't it?? You have had lot of hardships with your ex husband, with Rick , with Job and then overall with your life. To get out of the trouble with Rick the only thing left in this relationship is to end it, it does not seem to go anywhere except creating pains for you. I know you tried to end it but you caved in, well I would say that caving in is quite human but this time you 'start the end '(lol a conflict) afresh, and whenever you feel like caving in just think of the result. you might break no contact and start talking to him but what will that achieve ?? He is with someone else and even if he talks to you he would never be yours. You don't wish to be other woman in his life isn't it, so think this way. Ask him also to respect your decision and if he talks to you tell him that you are not in a condition right now to be have a friendly relationship with him so please leave you alone. After this your next purpose in life should be to get stable and the foremost in this is getting a job.Find a job, put effort in your job, get some dough in your bank and that will add to your confidence. I don't know about others but for me Economic security is the most important security and I am very particular about it.If you are economically secure then you can deal with all other kinds of insecurity. You have a kid with you and it is your responsibility to give the kid a good life that she deserves. Well I think if you are in this path of resurrection then rest all of things will fall in place and you would get a good companion in your life. But a personal caveat - never think that this life is going to be a fairy tale or all happiness and no pains. It would be utopian to think that, we all face hardships and we should emerge stronger out of it, though coming out of if may need lot of crying and hurt. Good Luck to you, and pls make sure in future that you don't make yourself too vulnerable that anything and anyone can hurt you. take care
Author Salsa Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Thank you greenhorn for your advice. I know that life is never easy, I've had my share of it. But the problem is this time, for everything I have gone through(and you only know very little), I always survived one way or the other. Nothing gets me down or can make me cry. That is why this is so hard, it has got me down so much that I don't know what to do because it's never happened like this to me before. I'm not use to it. Secondy, I did get a new job. I started on Thursday and I really love it. About money, I love it(ok, who doesn't) and have worked 2 jobs to provide for my daughter so that is always a priority to me. So I am moving on in most aspects of my life, Rick is where I'm getting stuck. The reason we started fighting was because all I would do is b*tch at him about anything and everything. It wasn't him, he talked normal and tried to be nice. I just wouldn't shutup and now we are where we are. We both agreed on this dating thing and I'm obviously not handling it very well. I only fight with him and it was a mutual decision on BOTH parts. It is something we felt we needed to do both getting out of marriages. Is there such a thing as meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life?? That is what this seems like. For the things he has done for me, I know he loves me and is thinking about me. I do feel that one day our paths will cross again, one way or the other. Lastly, I am doing much better. I haven't talked to him since Wednesday now and it hurts, but I feel ok. This is most likely one of those better days, but hopefully it is the first of many good days. Thank you again for your advice. Oh like my paragraphs?
greenhorn Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 But the problem is this time, for everything I have gone through(and you only know very little), I always survived one way or the other. Nothing gets me down or can make me cry. That is why this is so hard, it has got me down so much that I don't know what to do because it's never happened like this to me before. I'm not use to it. Well, this is typical life, we get problems solve them and get another one. Some of these problems are tough and some are easy but all are problems. What is required is fighting spirit which you have already demonstrated so you are in much better position than anyone else to weather this storm. You just need to believe in yourself. No one wants to get used to problems but all of us after some time get used to this fire-fighting. You will feel better day by day, trust me on this. Secondy, I did get a new job. I started on Thursday and I really love it. About money, I love it(ok, who doesn't) and have worked 2 jobs to provide for my daughter so that is always a priority to me. So I am moving on in most aspects of my life, Congrats for getting the new job and I am happy to know that you have started moving forward in life and yes, I like money too . I think you have made a good begining by taking up a job which you like and this momentum will take you through rest of the ups and downs of life.You seem to be quite a mature lady and you know that you are capable to going through all of this. Rick is where I'm getting stuck. The reason we started fighting was because all I would do is b*tch at him about anything and everything. It wasn't him, he talked normal and tried to be nice. I just wouldn't shutup and now we are where we are. We both agreed on this dating thing and I'm obviously not handling it very well. I only fight with him and it was a mutual decision on BOTH parts. It is something we felt we needed to do both getting out of marriages. Is there such a thing as meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life?? That is what this seems like. For the things he has done for me, I know he loves me and is thinking about me. I do feel that one day our paths will cross again, one way or the other. Lastly, I am doing much better. I haven't talked to him since Wednesday now and it hurts, but I feel ok. This is most likely one of those better days, but hopefully it is the first of many good days. Now I can understand that this must be tough, but sometimes doing " No Contact" becomes imperative. It is required so that you can sit with a calm mind and then decide that you have to do, what are you goals & priorities in life and how you are gonna achieve it. I think if a relationship has no future and you are not happy in it then there is only one way, i.e to end it. It might hurt for some time but take it as a side effect of the pill taken to cure the bigger pain. When there is no future of any relationship then it is like rowing a boat which is still on anchor, how much effort you put you won't gain any distance. It might be hurting you now but slowly slowly you will get used to the No Contact thing. Well some of the days you might feel down and have relapse but those are the days when you need to work conscientiously to get out of it , you may want to come and post here and you will get good advises from the wonderful community here. [quote}Oh like my paragraphs? Yep I very much like your paragraph ,I know where you are coming from on this.Ok one revealation ( don't kick me for this ) I requested the moderators to put paragraphs on the original post of yours so that others might also read it and chip in with their comments. You can't imagine how pathetic my posts were when I came on this board, I had no regard of any grammatical syntax or any rules, I just blurted out here. By that standard yours was much better. You should not mind that comment about paragraph cause that was genuinely meant for others to give you advice as well. Stay on this forum for some more time and I bet, your first impression will change. Thank you again for your advice. You are welcome,but I see this whole thing in a bit different context.I come here and post some replies and try to help ppl and when I get down I post here and others help me, so it is a kind of symbiotic relationship that I have over here. So I feel a bit uncomfortable with ' thank you's. I will expect you to post replies to my post tommorrow and help me out Good Luck salsa, take care
Author Salsa Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Thank you Greenhorn for your yet again perfect reply! And I promise when I get home from work tomorrow, I will reply to yours!!
greenhorn Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Originally posted by Salsa Thank you Greenhorn for your yet again perfect reply! And I promise when I get home from work tomorrow, I will reply to yours!! Oops a mistake, You see I am not a native speaker of English so I tend to make mistakes.When I said tommorrow it meant that in coming days....well I have not posted any thread today Now you can imagine my English .... bye
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