66Charger Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) The simple read, based on your post, is that she is not cheating and there are clearly 2 reasons why. 1) She is divorcing you, and it is none of your business. If she is not openly putting it in front of your face, then she IS being respectful. Do your remaining time and leave her be. 2) This is irrelevant, but, Its obvious she is chasing and he isnt interested. He cant hook up? Always unavailable? He probaly has someone else, therefore the "I am not going to trust men comment. He is not biting and you are probaly wasting your time. (My opinion only) Stop digging. You need to accept that it is over, continue with your amical divorce, keep your mouth shut and move on. You keep this up and you will just prolong your pain. Let her go. Its time. Edited June 24, 2015 by 66Charger 3
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Couple questions - Were the messages e-mail or text messages? If texts, do you have a joint cellular plan? One of the primary things you want to know is when any potential infidelity started (before she asked for a divorce, etc.), and if you have a joint plan you may be able to look at her call/text history via your provider or in itemized bills. That will tell you when communication was going on, even if it won't tell you what was said. If it's email you're probably out of luck unless you happen to know her password. Even if you do, only log in from a device she logs in from unless you don't care about her potentially finding out you snooped. Next thing is does she have a vindictive streak? Reason I ask is this - people in affairs or playing around with the prospect of affairs don't usually leave their phones laying around unattended. That means she has nothing to hide and she's not having an affair, right? Unless she wanted you to see the messages. Why would she do that? Well if she wanted to stab you in the heart and get you agonizing over things and posting 6 page threads on internet forums, that would be a great way. Ironically it would also probably point to a likelihood she's not actually cheating, just having titillating chatter w/this dude about her periods and using it to push your buttons. On the ask or don't ask question, I wouldn't ask. If she's cheating, she's not going to tell you the truth anyway. I wouldn't even ask if you got your proof via the phone records, bc you'd already have your answer and she'd still lie. My BF's a PI btw so this stuff isn't conjecture for me and you could say I kind of know what I'm talking about. I agree with Autumn that the 'evidence,' such as it is, really isn't entirely convincing right now given the circumstances. There are certain likelihoods that exist but I'll spare you those atm since there's little way you'll ever get a satisfactory answer anyway and what you'll mainly accomplish is to drive yourself crazy with uncertainty and obsessiveness. This is really one of those times where you've got to find your peace of mind within yourself. It sounds like the divorce is on track and equitable and it won't be a major burden on you, so stick with that plan and take things one day at a time. You've already got your mind right as far as that goes. 1
Raena Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 My opinion.... she isn't cheating. I will say this though... the sooner you separate your living arrangements, the better off you'll both be. It's not healthy for you to stay in that place where you two still live together like you are staying together but yet dating others. (or potentially dating others). You need to physically separate yourself from her and get on with your own dating or not dating or whatever you need to do to heal yourself. 3
Cephalopod Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 So perhaps you want to go back and rephrase your comment that women USUALLY act in the way you describe as its a gross and inaccurate generalisation. Ummm........No.
Matahari007 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I agree with Autumnight. The papers are drawn and its just a matter of time before the divorce is final. She's moved on and so should you. Why get upset over something that has been over for awhile now? Why put yourself through that stress? If you confront her what do you hope to get from it? Will it change the situation? Will it change the fact that the divorce will stop from going through?? I'd save yourself the stress and just leave it alone. If it's really nagging you that much go ahead and let her know but what outcome do you really hope to get....Its over so just let it be. Wishing you the best on your new journey.
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 I spoke with my friend on Tuesday night and he was completely shocked. He had/has no idea what (if anything) is going on. I should clarify a few points. The thing with her friends - she has maintained that they have been shying away from her. She says they don't understand why she isn't fighting to make her marriage work - and she is upset because they don't understand how hard she tried to make it work until she got to the point that she gave up. I know it's over. I have tried and tried and tried to do what I felt was needed to earn a second chance and we're still headed down the same path. I'm doing my best to accept that and I've been making plans to move forward without her. That said - it isn't easy and suspecting that something else is up just feels like getting kicked while you're down. I thought I would at least escape with the dignity of knowing that we were two good people who suffered a horrible loss (when we lost our daughter) and then gradually grew apart. It happens a lot with the loss of a child. We did go through several periods where it felt like we were maybe moving towards one another again - but then she would pull back. I think I've decided NOT to say anything for the time being because really - what do I have to go on? Some ambiguous text messages? She could easily brush off every single one and then I would look like the paranoid crock pot. We're stuck together on several levels. We're stuck together until the papers are finalized at which point I can refinance the house and get her off of the mortgage and then she can get her own place and we're also going to have to be co-parents for the rest of our lives. I still might mention something after everything is final. I think trust is important and yes - she's moving on - but in my opinion (and I know some of you will disagree) it feels like she's sneaking around and I think it makes me not trust her - especially if this has been going on for awhile. It's just a bad situation that has gotten a bit more crummy. I wish we could have just gotten through this transition period without something like this coming up - but it did. 1
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 It's not also like I haven't thought about moving on in the same way - I just would never do anything while we were legally still married. Maybe I live by an outmoded code of ethics - but it's how I was raised and how I've tried to live my life. At the end of the day - our issues were fixable. She chose to take the position that they were not - which is fine - it was her decision. I think everyone within our circle of friends/family sees that. I'm just going to do my best to ride out the final couple of weeks. It's tough. It's hard to be around her - to look her in the eye. She broke down on Monday night. We had just finished dinner when she started crying and it was "why am I such an angry person" and "maybe there is something wrong with me" and she leaned very heavily on me for support and reassurance that she wasn't a bad person or an angry person and that the kids didn't hate her and so on. I don't know if I can provide that kind of support anymore.
LifesontheUp Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 She broke down on Monday night. We had just finished dinner when she started crying and it was "why am I such an angry person" and "maybe there is something wrong with me" and she leaned very heavily on me for support and reassurance that she wasn't a bad person or an angry person and that the kids didn't hate her and so on. I don't know if I can provide that kind of support anymore. That support should no longer be provided by you. She wants the divorce and therefore the only requirement by you is to be a good co parent. You don't need to disrespect her, but she needs to know that that side of your relationship is over and she cannot pick and chose what she wants from you. As for the rest, I do wonder what happened between the two of them and if it was the impetus to get a divorce. But as its happening and you have tried to work it out, you need to start thinking of you and your kids. Not to be trite, but divorces happen every day. People move on and find other love partners and are very happy. Wish you luck. 3
66Charger Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Hang in there and good decision making. Just remember, you control the rest of your life. I have always believed that your life is a book. There are a lot of blank pages left that you can fill in. What are you going to write? A drama? A sad story? Or maybe a future romance novel with a happily ever after finish. Your choice brother. Be at peace. 2
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Posted June 25, 2015 Hang in there and good decision making. Just remember, you control the rest of your life. I have always believed that your life is a book. There are a lot of blank pages left that you can fill in. What are you going to write? A drama? A sad story? Or maybe a future romance novel with a happily ever after finish. Your choice brother. Be at peace. Good words, man - much needed! The strange thing is I feel good about my future - I know who I am and what I'm capable of - it's just letting go of that last grasp of a connection that is proving so hard to do. I guess it's not in my nature to simply walk away and while I know she's slipping and soon I won't be able to hold onto her and there is part of my that will feel relief from the strain of trying to hold on - right now I'm still unable to just let go... ...and it makes me feel like a fool. She clearly no longer loves me like she once did - nor does she apparently respect me that much. I deserve better - yet - I think I'll only be able to let her go when she finally slips free and tumbles away...
66Charger Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) Dont waste your time feeling like a fool..its pointless. Picture it this way, its F@#$ n hot outside, the sticky humid uncomfortable summer days of the midwest (the state of your marriage) but you have a nice cold pool. You say F it and just dive straight in The body goes into shock (divorce) but soon you acclimatize and realise that it feels sooo good. On top of that while swimming underwater you see a mermade waving and smiling at you. (Not you merrmeade) A little dramatic, but honestly, the shock does wear off. Stop feeling like a fool and jump in the water. Start running, get yourself in shape and always look sharp Edited June 25, 2015 by 66Charger
karnak Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Ah, so this only applies to women. Big surprise... What only applies to women? Explain.
m.snow Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Just a suggestion; Well since you're already divorcing. why not go out with a bang! it might be last days to feel and appreciate your wife's body ask her for a romantic trip 3 days-1 week. get some pills and get really kinky. i think she owes you that at least. plead for it, asking that it might be your last. if you do get there don't talk about affairs or your future or her future. don't even mention those texts. just give every last ounce of romance have sex like your life depended on it just drain your self. as they say its easier to fill an empty cup. just a thought.
oldshirt Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 I know a lot of people disagree with this outlook but I believe that once all parties have been served with divorce papers and its on the court docket, everyone is single and free to do as they wish (within the law and court guidelines) and its just a matter of waiting for the courthouse to get the paperwork caught up. Since she has declared the marriage over and has filed the necessary paperwork, she is now a single woman and can date as she pleases. You are also a single man and can do the same. 2
happyman64 Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 Sharpie "She broke down on Monday night. We had just finished dinner when she started crying and it was "why am I such an angry person" and "maybe there is something wrong with me" and she leaned very heavily on me for support and reassurance that she wasn't a bad person or an angry person and that the kids didn't hate her and so on. I don't know if I can provide that kind of support anymore. " I am a firm believer that a person does not know what they have lost until it is gone. As to her being angry you should have said: "I don't know why you are so angry but I do hope you get professional help to figure out why. Our children deserve that." As to her being bad: "You are not bad but I am sure disappointed in you that you quit on us. I thought we were worth it." You consoling her or "being" there for her just makes it easier for her to walk away and not show you any respect. Now you understand a little better why she is doing what she is doing before she is divorced. Stop making it easier and show her consequences. Not to hurt her but to make her think and fell. The loss of a child hurts both spouses. But if you let it fester or sweep it under the bed the problems only get worse. HM
karnak Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 The strange thing is I feel good about my future - I know who I am and what I'm capable of - it's just letting go of that last grasp of a connection that is proving so hard to do. I guess it's not in my nature to simply walk away and while I know she's slipping and soon I won't be able to hold onto her and there is part of my that will feel relief from the strain of trying to hold on - right now I'm still unable to just let go... It's not a shame if you still have strong feelings for her. Its' perfectly normal. Alas, you can't control other people. You can't control probably 90% of things that happens around you. You can't stop an earthquake. You can't stop a person from dying of old age. You can't even stop yourself from falling in love if another woman comes into your life. The only thing that you can control is the way you react to the things that happen around you. And what you'll try to do in the future. It seems that your wife wasn't a bad spouse while you were married. If she stopped loving you sometime during your marriage, that is a thing that she, herself, had no control over. You have to accept that fact, the same way that she also had to accept that her feelings for you had changed. Things seem bleak right now. But, ask the people on this forum, who've been here for a long time, and they'll tell you that your life will get better. You'll have good times and bad times. But the future bad times won't be as dark as these you're living now. Keep living one day at a time. Tell your wife that you're willing to give her what she thinks is best for both of you. Accept things and move on, full of love for yourself and devoid of hate for anyone. Things will get better.
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