Mrin Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I am not even sure I would call it dishonest. Smarmy? Ok. Awkward? Sure. But I don't think I'd call it dishonest. Frankly, my wife asked me for a divorce in early September. I moved out November 1st and had my first date by December. We actually filed in Janurary. This was a few years ago btw. I don't think I could date living under the same roof. That's just awkward to begin with.
minimariah Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I guess I fail to see how I'm the "bad guy" in this situation. you aren't the bad guy... there is no bad guys. things just fell apart and don't work anymore. that's all there is to it. not every break - up needs to have a bad guy. sometimes it is nobody's fault. no need to confront her because you aren't in a relationship with her anymore. 3
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 you aren't the bad guy... there is no bad guys. things just fell apart and don't work anymore. that's all there is to it. not every break - up needs to have a bad guy. sometimes it is nobody's fault. no need to confront her because you aren't in a relationship with her anymore. I agree with this. There was no bad guy in what went on between us. We were two good people who suffered a bad loss (when we lost our daughter) and then we lost one another. That said - I just think it's a crappy way of playing things. It just feels like a kick to the stomach. I know she's going to move on - but couldn't she at least wait until she doesn't have to hide it anymore? Isn't that - in itself - shady? Also - I've been looking at it from the other side of the coin. If our roles were reversed my butt would be out on the street tonight. I can guarantee you I'd be confronted. I can guarantee you it would not go well for me. I like to think I'm better than that, however. Part of me wants to say nothing - let's just get thru the final weeks in one piece - part of me wants to hear it from her because I feel I deserve the truth.
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I think you should set some ground rules for one another while you are living under the same roof. Yeah, the marriage may be over, but she still has an obligation to show you some respect, and vice versa. She needs to keep her texting and crap private. When she is in the same room with you she needs to shut that phone off and you need to also. She doesn't need to flaunt her romantic adventures in your face, and vice versa. Pending divorce does not give either one of you the right to walk all over each other emotionally. Sit down with her and write out some basic, simple rules that each of you will abide by.
BetrayedH Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Texting some dude that it's a bad time of the month for a naked "haircut" (oh gosh, they are so funny, BTW) obviously means she is quite comfortable talking about potential sex with this guy (and her periods, apparently). She's either had sex with this guy or intends to. I'd put my money on the former considering how familiar they are with one another in those texts. Personally, I'd REALLY want to know if their relationship predates your divorce chat. And whether you deserve the truth or not, she's not going to admit to that. She'll totally play the privacy card, which will play quite well since you're already in the process of divorcing. She'll be able to tell everyone you invaded her privacy, label you a controlling freak, further justify the divorce, and then openly date this guy. Confronting her will do her a big favor. If you want the truth, shut up, play stupid and compliant, and investigate. Confronting her serves no purpose but to let her know that you know that she's dating while divorced. What good does that do you? She'll deny any relationship prior to your divorce chat, delete any evidence of it, and feel free to date him openly. You'll lose your mind. 1
Buckeye2 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Confronting her will do her a big favor. If you want the truth, shut up, play stupid and compliant, and investigate. Confronting her serves no purpose but to let her know. What good does that do you? She'll deny any relationship prior to your divorce chat, delete any evidence of it, and feel free to date him openly. You'll lose your mind. I agree. If you confront at all wait until you're divorced and just say "I know you cheated." If you have great evidence you can present it. If not just smile and say "I know."
BetrayedH Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I agree. If you confront at all wait until you're divorced and just say "I know you cheated." If you have great evidence you can present it. If not just smile and say "I know." Depending on where he lives, proof of infidelity may also be a big factor in a divorce. Right now things are amiable. Perhaps he won't feel so generous should he discover that crap like this has been going on for years. My wife told me she wanted to separate. Blamed it on a bunch of nonsense that didn't add up. I beat myself up something fierce for about 3 weeks until I decided to investigate. Then I found she's been in an affair for over a year and been to a hotel with the guy about once a week. It kinda changes your perspective.
Bartlett65 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You're getting divorced already. Isn't the point moot?
Buckeye2 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You're getting divorced already. Isn't the point moot? For the US it depends on the state. For most you are correct, but for a few he could get better terms if he could prove she cheated. 1
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 For the US it depends on the state. For most you are correct, but for a few he could get better terms if he could prove she cheated. The thing is - I'm not looking for better terms. The fact remains that there are two small children caught up in the middle (3 and 5). Very early on - we had an ugly fight - very personal - and as I was lying in bed that night trying to sleep I just thought there is no way I'm putting them through some ugly, mean divorce. I told my wife the next morning (after doing some research) that we needed to do it amicably. As it stands - everything is essentially 50/50 - and I'm okay with that. If the kids were not involved - yeah - I might change my tune and drag her into the fray - but since they are - I'm sticking to my guns: I'll swallow my pride and take it because they need one parent who is willing to put them first no matter what.
minimariah Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) Isn't that - in itself - shady? it isn't. it doesn't look to me like she is cheating, it looks to me like she is flirting and in that early stage of getting interested in someone else. nothing wrong with that, since she IS single. why is she hiding it...? well, she isn't. it's just that her private life is none of your business anymore, as harsh as it sounds. Also - I've been looking at it from the other side of the coin. If our roles were reversed my butt would be out on the street tonight. I can guarantee you I'd be confronted. I can guarantee you it would not go well for me. you don't know this. things CLEARLY changed. her feelings did, too. you might just be surprised. Part of me wants to say nothing - let's just get thru the final weeks in one piece - part of me wants to hear it from her because I feel I deserve the truth. again, i don't think she is cheating. i think she got interested in someone else and that is the truth she doesn't owe you. she didn't leave you for someone else, you know why your M failed and it didn't come out of the blue. i understand your hurt and anger very well, but you're slowly turning her into a bad guy and that's very bad. you're acting as if she's bringing this dude home and f@cking him in front of you. she isn't fooling around behing your back, she is single. Edited June 23, 2015 by minimariah
drifter777 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I think I have to confront her. I need to hear it from her mouth. We're getting divorced anyway. I know she will be upset. I know she will be defensive. She will accuse me of invading her privacy (which she has done to me before). She will try and spin it around on me. My soul is clean, however. I have never cheated in any manner and even now - I have walked the straight line and would never have considered doing anything until we were final and some time has passed. We have two small kids!! What do you all think? What do I do? My god, I wish I'd never seen the original text message... I think you should tell her something like "We are divorced - we're just waiting for the ink to dry so it's legal. I think you've started seeing other men and, whether you have or not, I've decided I'm going to start seeing other women. Let's keep this civil, without unnecessary drama, because we are going to be co-parenting these children for a long time. They deserve to have a mom & dad who can put their interests above their own petty squabbling". Some thing like that. Don't waste energy beating this very dead horse.
spanz1 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 The thing is - I'm not looking for better terms. The fact remains that there are two small children caught up in the middle (3 and 5). Very early on - we had an ugly fight - very personal - and as I was lying in bed that night trying to sleep I just thought there is no way I'm putting them through some ugly, mean divorce. I told my wife the next morning (after doing some research) that we needed to do it amicably. As it stands - everything is essentially 50/50 - and I'm okay with that. If the kids were not involved - yeah - I might change my tune and drag her into the fray - but since they are - I'm sticking to my guns: I'll swallow my pride and take it because they need one parent who is willing to put them first no matter what. so sign the papers and move on. which of you is moving out? there should be new living arragnements in the works as we speak
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 so sign the papers and move on. which of you is moving out? there should be new living arragnements in the works as we speak She is. Don't know what her plans are. They were to get a condo. Her mom and dad can finance that part for her. Her realtor and his wife just lost a child - so that might be on hold. She talks like she plans on being there (in the house) for awhile. I can do the refinance once papers are filed and then maybe she can get serious. I honestly don't know how much "support" she truly has from her mom and dad. They have the bucks to help - but I don't think they support her decision to simply walk away without a fight. They are pretty traditional - if they knew she was already seeing someone they would not be pleased.
Confused48 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Wrong time of the month for a naked hair cut.... really?! I don't think adults that are not having sex often talk to each other like that. With the other evidance you have you would be a fool to think these two are not having sex. Is it proof acceptable in a court of law, heck no. Still, use your common sense man. She IS having sex with this guy. That being said, I agree with others here that say that whether or not she is having sex with this guy is more or less irrelevant at this point. It may drive you crazy to not know. It may drive you crazier to have your worst suspicions confirmed. Be careful when you seek the truth. You will never be able to un-know what you find out. 1
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Wrong time of the month for a naked hair cut.... really?! I don't think adults that are not having sex often talk to each other like that. With the other evidance you have you would be a fool to think these two are not having sex. Is it proof acceptable in a court of law, heck no. Still, use your common sense man. She IS having sex with this guy. That being said, I agree with others here that say that whether or not she is having sex with this guy is more or less irrelevant at this point. It may drive you crazy to not know. It may drive you crazier to have your worst suspicions confirmed. Be careful when you seek the truth. You will never be able to un-know what you find out. She seems to be doing a lot of the chasing - and he has not made himself available. I got the whole "I'm never trusting men again" thing on Friday - which I thought was directed at me. I should add that the naked haircut thing appeared to have been said in jest. It was very flirtatious - but I didn't get the vibe that such thing ever happened. She has tried very hard since we split up to create this image of having a really happy/active social life. She goes out with her friends and smothers Facebook with selfies. Quite frankly, they are not that exciting of people. The guy looks like a clod (sorry - but you can't expect me NOT to get some shots in - I'm snarky as hell).
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 The majority of the text message was about him wanting to get in for a haircut and not being able to get in so he went somewhere else and got a bad cut and so on. I wish I would have somehow snagged a copy of the email string - just not sure how to do that without her catching on. You all would have a real laugh. Anyway - like I mentioned before (I think on this board) - I have to take the kids into her salon later for a haircut and I'm making sure I'm spiffed up, smiling and confident. I really think I'm going to hold off confronting her for now. I kind of want the final paperwork done. I don't want her suddenly deciding to put up a fight. I also want to see if I can gather a little more evidence. We have a couple who are mutual friends. The husband is my best friend and he's known her for years - treats her like a little sister. He actually set us up 12 years ago. My wife was also good friends with his wife...but she had a major falling out with both of them - who apparently took my side without my prompting and blasted her a new one. What's funny is that while we were talking on Friday she lit into my buddy - accused him of being a lying sack of you-know-what and went off on him because he apparently cheated on his wife several times. She had a lot of venom for cheaters (and she was drunk with a case of verbal diarrhea). I think whatever is going on bears more investigating. Until then - she gets the modified 180 - I say modified because I have to share a house with her for the time being. I'll keep you all posted!
understand50 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Sharpie77, It's over.......... Let her go, for your own sake. I wish both her and you good luck. 1
karnak Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 What's funny is that while we were talking on Friday she lit into my buddy - accused him of being a lying sack of you-know-what and went off on him because he apparently cheated on his wife several times. She had a lot of venom for cheaters (and she was drunk with a case of verbal diarrhea). That trait is usually a big red flag for cheaters. I think a similar thing happens with "closet homosexuals", who hate gay people while being gay themselves. Most faithful women I've known don't really give a damn about cheaters or are judgemental towards them. Probably because they, subconsciously, feel they would never be able to indulge in an affair and so don't waste their time discussing the subject.
autumnnight Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 That trait is usually a big red flag for cheaters. I think a similar thing happens with "closet homosexuals", who hate gay people while being gay themselves. Most faithful women I've known don't really give a damn about cheaters or are judgemental towards them. Probably because they, subconsciously, feel they would never be able to indulge in an affair and so don't waste their time discussing the subject. So does that mean all the people here who spew venom on MS threads are secretly cheaters.....
Sassy Girl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Wives usually check out emotionally LONG before they ever let their husbands know what is happening. They take time to get everything set up for a soft landing for themselves before they lower the boom on hubby. By the time they let the husband know, they are so far checked out and detached there is no getting them back. This is where she is now my friend. She has probably been detaching from you for a couple years now and, well, she's not really concerned about how it makes you feel because, well, she doesn't care about you anymore. It really is that cold and simple. I'm sorry this happened to you. It has happened to countless men. Welcome to the 21st Century. Beg your pardon, but women often communicate their dissatisfaction to their husbands... But men don't take it seriously until she's completely detached with one foot out the door. You fail to listen. If we get shown long enough that our feelings don't matter, then eventually we stop caring about yours. 3
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Beg your pardon, but women often communicate their dissatisfaction to their husbands... But men don't take it seriously until she's completely detached with one foot out the door. You fail to listen. If we get shown long enough that our feelings don't matter, then eventually we stop caring about yours. I think probably half women do. Maybe more. But many don't.
karnak Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 So does that mean all the people here who spew venom on MS threads are secretly cheaters..... Maybe. To be honest I wouldn't really know because I've never seen any woman here hating cheaters with a passion. What I know is that I personally once met a cheater who stated that "all cheaters should be shot, because of the pain they inflict" (sic) Yep. She was a messed-up girl all right.
autumnnight Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Maybe. To be honest I wouldn't really know because I've never seen any woman here hating cheaters with a passion. What I know is that I personally once met a cheater who stated that "all cheaters should be shot, because of the pain they inflict" (sic) Yep. She was a messed-up girl all right. Ah, so this only applies to women. Big surprise... 1
Sassy Girl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I think probably half women do. Maybe more. But many don't. So perhaps you want to go back and rephrase your comment that women USUALLY act in the way you describe as its a gross and inaccurate generalisation.
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