unforgotten Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Hello! I haven't been on here a while, I was quite busy. I think I owe this post to the LovesHack community since you were all here for me when I needed someone to speak out to and was seeking for advice. It will be hard for me to write this post since I'll go through a lot of memories but I'll do it anyway. I want you to read and try to understand what I went through. My heart is beating faster now and I feel kind of nervous. "Unforgotten! So. One year has passed since I first saw you and found out that you are smart, cute and a really nice guy which has made me realize you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with which is probably quitea long time since I'm so young at this point. One year is not the longest period on the world but it's enough for me to say you mean everything to me and I that I never want to loose you because without you I wouldn't be the person I am. Perhaps you think nothing makes sense anymore and I don't appreciate you enough when I'm crancky or rude to you. But I want you to know you're are a truly awesome person and I realize this. Seeriously. Even if sometimes it doesn't look like it. I truly know I have something special. Something noone else has. And that's you. The fact you love me alone means a lot to me. Everything else you give me seems so much more unbelievable. Because I have never thought of myself as someone that would receive so much love and attention as you show it to me. And I want you to know I really appreciate it. I must admit that when we've first met I'd never thought that there's a person standing infront of me I som day would not imagine my life without it. Everything I knew about you when we first started chatting were your basic personal data and the fact you're really cute. I've noticed that the moment I've stepped closer to you. In this year we've spent together I've learned so much about you I could write a novel but we won't exaggerate now won't we?! With every passed day I know more and more you're everything I've always wanted to have. A person who loves me, respects me, trusts me, spends good and bad times with me. A person who listens when I have to speak myself out, conforts me when I'm sad, pushes me when a problem occurs. A person I'm not ashemed to cry with or laugh so much I cry and most of all the person which allows me to be myself. This is what you mean to me and these are the reasons I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you forever and ever, truly yours ****** " Fast forward 7 years. The last 14 days have been plain awful. She has told me there's someone else and she wants to break up. I have given my all to make her change her mind. My guts, heart and head literally hurt. I haven't slept for a while. I've just successufully defended my master's degree and it have meant absolutely nothing to me. She was there with me and was proud of me but I couldn't stop thinking how everything wll be over soon. All I could think of was her and our relationship. How to save it? We've come this far and we've invested too much to simply end it. It should be the best time of my life but it was a disaster. I was the saddest person on the whole world. How did I manage to mess this up. I blamed myself and I still do to some degree. I wasn't the best boyfriend. Not at all. But I loved her with all my heart and would die for her. I was sure of that. I gave it my last try. We were sitting on the couch and I said I want to show her something before she would gave up on me. I found the letter she wrote and I gave it to her. She was reading silently with a cold expression on her face. She read through it. Nothing. I started to cry. She said "why are you crying now", almost meanly to me. I said, "because you're not". It has ended. A few days later she was already in the arms of the other guy. It was a guy I always suspect she liked him when shw was younger. They were schoolmated and she broke all ties with him when we met. I had to watch them together, watch her smile, have fun while I was there feeling suicidal and dead inside. I wrote hundreds of emails and this is the farewell letter I got from her a few day later she told me she wanted to end it. "I was never really a talented with a spoken word so I've decided to take time for myself and try to write down my feelings because it's a lot easier for me to write everything down rather to say somethig it wouldn't even be true or I'd express myself wrong which would be okay. But I'd like to talk to you when you read this through. So, after a long and thoughtful thinking I've come to the important conclusion which I didn't realize before or pehaps I was keeping my eyes closed and tried to convince myself it doesn't make sense. But more I think more I think it's crucial. Even if it will hurt you so much I think it's important for me to tell you. I've never said anything to you, not because I'd want to hide something from you but because I didn't think of it the way I do now and I didn't confess to myself I feel this way. You've asked me acouple of times the last couple of days if there's someone else in the picture and I've said no because I actually believed there isn't. But I think it is. No I didn't meet anyone and I didn't fall in love with someone, it's much more complex than this. Now that I've really took a deep look in myself and my feelings I've found out that there are a lot of surpressed feelings from the past in me which are probablly the main reason I don't believe I will ever be able to feel the way I did about you. Because I feel this about someone else... I cannot even imagine how you feel now, how betrayed must you feel and how angry you are at me. If I'd clear my emotions earlier Iwouldn't wait so long to tell it to you which would be the only right thing to do. But unfortunately I've realized this only now and admit it to myself. You have reproached me with this many times and I'd laugh and said you are crazy because I didn't believe it. Before I met you I've had someone in my life who meant everything to me. We had a relationship which was really deep for that age and something special but I can only see that now, I was too dumb and stupid to realize that earlier. I've thought of it as a friendship but everyone else saw it was more than that. I didn't feel in love back then but as a special kind of friendship. But there were really deep feelings present which haven't dissapear after all these yeas. They were only hidden and surpressed somewhere deep inside me. The moment I met you I became blind because I was so on love and I've forgot about all those feelings even if they were always present. Even if he already forgave me I will never forgive myself about what I did to him back then because I was so madly blinded. I told someone who'd give my lief for me to **** off like it was nothing and I meant everything to him. Like nothing really mattered. Plus I didn't really realize what I did for three or four years after that and I didn't give a ****. So my heart is shattered when you say I'm selfishless because there's nothing more selfish than that. In you I was everything I already had in him but I didn't see it. So I told him to **** off and didn't even think about what kind of a wound I made to him. His life shattered and has became a different man. He tried to fill the void with other women and made a family with someone who he thought would make him happy and make him forget about the feelings he had to me but everything crashed down on him. This doesn't mean my feelings to you weren't real. Everything was so real and deep and nothing other than you existed for me back then. But when our relationship started to fade I had regrets. I had so much and lost it all in the moment. And still the right feelings didn't come out because I kept thinking and convincing mself you're the one I want to spend my life with. Because I've loved you and didn't imagine anything esle. If you only knew what kind of a emotional mess I am right now and why I act this way in the morning and the other way in the evening, why I find it so hard to end it with you in one moment and the other moment it seems like the only suitable solution. It feels awful to end it all and I know you're right when you say we should start over but it seems so unfair to me that I gave it all to you for 7 years, kept trying and have swollowed many things, kept asking myself if I perhaps don't deserve more and gave you a lot of chances you didn't took and now you ask me to give you one more. On the other side I have someone who's waiting for 9 years and have never had a chance and I know he'd deserve one. I don't know, I simply don't know what to do. Even if I keep trying for our relationship I'll pehaps feel the same way I once did to you but feelings for him will never pass way. I don't think it's fair to me, to you because it will haunt us for the rest of our lives and affect our family. You see I'm not perfect at all. I've made abig mistake back then and perhaps I'm making it now but I feel like I must give im a chance. And I must give a chance to myself as well. I hope you see as well you deserve someone better who will see everything in you and won't have any regrets from the past like I have. I still care for you, deepy from the heart and I'll probably never stop, because everything we've had, even if it wasn't always the best, means a lot to me. Perhaps you don't think so now but I know you've given me a lot in the last seven years, taught me many things and encouraged me. I'll always be grateful for the chance to meet you and have you in my life. Sometimes it was really hard for me but I still had a fun time with you, kept thinking of building a future with you, truly believed we can made it and we'll forever be together. I'm sad I feel different now. If I could I would convince myself to feel different. I'm sorry you didn't trust me enough to speak about your own problems and we'd try to find solutions together when there was still time. Perhaps everyhing would turn out different for us. I hope we'll have a better conversation now. Now that I understand myself better and I hope you do too. I'm so sorry you hear all of this for the first time now but it's the first time for me too that I think about this the way I do. I hope you will be able to forgive me someday. Thank you for everything." My heart shattered. I cannot tell you how I felt when I read this. It still hurts so much. Depression. ****hole. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Suicidal thoughts. My identity was lost. My confidence was gone. Anger. Hate. Sadness. So much sadness. Emotional rollercoaster. For two months I felt like I'd rather die every single day than to live because it was so very hard. I would not wish it to anyone to feel this way I did. A few days back I was thinking of marrying her and now this. I didn't want any kids nor marriage but she made me dream and I finally felt the same way. Then she took those dreams away. I went out with two different girls immediatelly and they were both hot I thought maybe this is not so bad, I'm not such a looser after all. But somehow I didn't get my confidence back. Those were just instant feelings. Deep inside I was so lost. I've had a crush with both of them immediately and all they every wanted was fun so they turned me down. I felt sick in the head, feeling I will never find anyone else. At one point I couldn't even hand out with any girls because I'd "fall in love" almost with every one. I don't know what was happening inside of me but it was a disaster. Not emotional control at all. I backed off. I started reading books about mental training etc., going out with my friends. Got a lot of friends. Tried a few new things. Went back to the gym. Started eating right again. Tried to engage myself with my lost hobbies. It was HARD. Sometimes I didn't feel like getting up at all but I kept pushing and pushing. We'd go out with friends, they'd all have fun but my mind wandered away and I felt depressed as ever. Awful. Awful. Awful. I'll never forget this. If only she knew what she did to me. What she did to me cannot even slightly compare to what she did to him. She has no clue at all and will never know. How immature, how stupid, how mean. How SELFISH. For 8 months I kept struggling and nothing. No girls, nothing. I slowly started to feel ok again. Then one special week came. Everything started to change in a heart beat like gods have finally heard me. First, a girl I liked so much and she'd be plain mean to me and would ignore me etc. called me in the middle of the night asking me for help. I didn't refuse her and she came crying to me, apologizing to me because she was so mean and telling me I'm a good guy. A second girl I've had conversations with for a few months was finally opening up to me and we've realized we had much in common. It was progress. I went out on a local party and a third girl didn't stop hitting on me, then the next day started chatting with me online basically teeling me she wanted to have sex with me. I went to the local store and a fourth girl, a cute saleslady started hitting on me. What the hell was happening. I couldn't belive myself. Is this thing about energy and feeling good about myself everyone was talking about on here finally working out? Is this karma thing and feeling the energy a real deal?! I felt good. The next week came and the best thing happened. A girl I always tought was cute but have never even spoken a word to her came to the gym. I just said hello to her and she'd added me online and then telling me she'd like to see me more. I was in heaven. We went out and hit it off. We are together for about a week now. I feel good about us. I don't want to make any illusions and I just want to have some calm and relaxing fun time together now. I've needed this for so long and now I'm finally getting it and I really appreciate it. I take good care of her and she's giving it back. I don't know how long will it last but I just go with the flow and hope for the best. The best thing is I finally know now I can get back up when I fall and I'll try so hard not to repeat the mistakes from the past. I've learned a lot about myself, people around me and life in general in the last couple of months. I'm kind of grateful for the experience even if it was the ****tiest experience ever. But my life was actually a mess and now the pieces are finally getting stuck together. As for my ex, she's still with the dude. I still think the lowest of him. I don't think she's made the right choice and I never will. But it doesn't matter now. We don't speak. She wanted to remain friends but I didn't want to. I barely say hello to her. it's really sad in a way but it is what it is and it's not my fault is it. Keep fighting boys and girls. Time itself won't help. Hope and do your best. It's true what they say. When you'll start feeling good about yourself again then the good things will start to happen. It's funny but I see this the first time today. The letter she wrote to me on our 1st anniversary says unforgotten + ****** FOREVER on the cover. I never saw it before but the heart in which the word forever is written is actually broken down and each side painted with a different color. It looks like she forteold the future. It wasn't meant to be. Thank you Loveshack community! 1
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