When do you fall in love?

[mangetout]

I have been dating someone for just over four months. We see each other every weekend and speak on the phone during the week on a daily basis. I have met all his friends and family. He calls me his girlfriend so I know that we are exclusive.

 

What I find a bit odd is that he never expresses any feelings towards me. Is this something to worry about? The sex is great, the affection is there (but only in private)..he holds my hand in public. I don't know. Something is niggling me

[mangetout]

I know that people are different when it comes to feelings. Some people take a while until they fall in love but I don't even get a "I like you a lot". Nothing.

 

Not that I am expecting him to fall in love but I am ready to settle down and I don't want to waste my time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I don't know when to end this if we are not going anywhere with it

[La.Primavera]

If you don't know exactly what is niggling at you then I would give it a deadline, say the six month mark and if it still doesn't feel right then end it so you can find a relationship with more long term potential. Trust your instincts if it doesn't feel right there is usually a valid reason.

 

If it feels like there is lack of feelings from his side it could be for numerous reasons. He could still hold a torch for an ex or someone can't have, yet he still wants to be in a relationship. Its not fair but it does happen sometimes. It could also be his nature to be guarded with his emotions in which case you need to decide if you can accept that side of your relationship.

 

In fairness it can take people a while to develop strong feelings for someone but you need to know you aren't wasting your time.

 

At the very least I think you should talk to him about how he feels. I think it will help you figure out if this relationship is a good investment of you time or not.

[superkatnip]

I am not sure how old you are, but I am dealing with a not overly expressive man myself. Also, you are pretty early in and he maybe just seeing for himself how he really feels.

I did sense a shift with my guy around 5 months to be more connected with me.

 

My guy does express feelings and does all of the right BF things except that he has not said those three words yet .. after almost 2 years.

I say that my guys does throw male emotion bombs... from time to time, but he rarely gushes. I guess we are a good match as while I am very open, I am not one for sweeping gestures. We hold hands in public and will hug once in a while. We usually kiss hello and goodbye, but other than the playful butt grab, neither of us big into PDA

 

So while, I think it would be great to hear the words from him more, I actually feel more loved by this man than I did by my ex H of 20 years. The ex often threw around those words and then would cut me down emotionally. He even used them while trying to get back into my good graces while he was cheating on me.

I have been gauging my emotions on this as to how do I feel when I am with him. Do I feel taken care of and loved. As long as I can say yes to this, I am good. You have to ask yourself those same questions and decide if you want to talk to him about it.

[Gary S]

Affection and sex is a way of expressing love - particularly affection. Guys often don't go around saying "I love you" - the movies and pop-psychology is wrong. But you can tell by the things they do, the way they treat you - actions scream.

 

Whatsamatter, you don't like Squint Eastwood

 

That said, does he say sweet nothings / sweet things to you, call you pet names?

[sunshine2]

I don't want to hijack this post, but I when I saw your reply I had to comment.

Ive been with my BF for 3 1/2 months and he is exactly the same.

 

This:

We hold hands in public (sometimes) and will hug once in a while. We usually kiss hello and goodbye, but other than the playful butt grab (he grabs my butt when he kisses me sometimes goodbye) Thats it! I am not used to a guy like this and thought there was something wrong with me that he didn't want to show more affection.

 

Sometimes he will put his arm around me when we watch a movie or he'll hold my hand when we are on the couch together, but he is nothing like my last BF who would be upset if I didn't hold his hand or sit next to him all the time he was always touching me. I like affection, so this has been kind of a hard transition. I won't break up with him over it, its just how he is. Of course its way too soon for I love you, Im not there yet myself. We have said we like each other and we are exclusive. He treats me really well, is generous and likes to help. I realize that he shows his affection with acts of service. He is a open book too, which I like.

 

I am hoping to see more connection by 6 months too though. I have always been 10 steps ahead in this relationship, he moves very slow and I have to learn patience with him and realize we are really in a very new relationship. Love takes lots of time, and sometimes longer for others.

 

 

 

I am not sure how old you are, but I am dealing with a not overly expressive man myself. Also, you are pretty early in and he maybe just seeing for himself how he really feels.

I did sense a shift with my guy around 5 months to be more connected with me.

 

My guy does express feelings and does all of the right BF things except that he has not said those three words yet .. after almost 2 years.

I say that my guys does throw male emotion bombs... from time to time, but he rarely gushes. I guess we are a good match as while I am very open, I am not one for sweeping gestures. We hold hands in public and will hug once in a while. We usually kiss hello and goodbye, but other than the playful butt grab, neither of us big into PDA

 

So while, I think it would be great to hear the words from him more, I actually feel more loved by this man than I did by my ex H of 20 years. The ex often threw around those words and then would cut me down emotionally. He even used them while trying to get back into my good graces while he was cheating on me.

I have been gauging my emotions on this as to how do I feel when I am with him. Do I feel taken care of and loved. As long as I can say yes to this, I am good. You have to ask yourself those same questions and decide if you want to talk to him about it.

[Gaeta]

Does he say he misses you or can't wait to see you?

 

Does he inquire about your well being and does he rush to help you when in need?

 

Does he tell you how amazing you are? how you make him feel special?

 

Does he gaze in your eyes, is he able to make good eye contact and sustain it?

[inpeices]

Does he say he misses you or can't wait to see you?

 

Does he inquire about your well being and does he rush to help you when in need?

 

Does he tell you how amazing you are? how you make him feel special?

 

Does he gaze in your eyes, is he able to make good eye contact and sustain it?

 

THIS ^^^^^^

 

Need to know more really..

I am 6 months today infact and the I. L.Y came spilling out in a wonderful way last Thursday.. And I was over the moon that my feelings and thoughts were reciprocated.. I felt (and said) this much much sooner, but I have been very open and (vulnerable) by expressing verbally my feelings aswell as showing them in actions, thus making my partner feel and know without doubt where I stand. But without being desperate or needy or insecure if that makes sense..

I was just honest..

I decided, that being open, honest and confident with myself was the way forward.. No doubts in my mind but I doubted 100's in theirs.. Despite them DOING and behaving in an exemplary new date way.. Seeing each other as much as we can between work and other commitments, skyping, messaging, making plans a week or three ahead.. Conversations about holidays, interests, meeting family & friends and then actually doing so at the 4 / 5 month stage..

It's been a fabulous adventure so far and like many recommend.. Enjoy this dating stage! I am almost 100% comfortable in the future for us.. I now want to know this person so so much more and build on this..

Try to chill a bit and know some people don't say what they feel on your timings always.

My partner said they were feeling semi-overwhelmed and really wanted to tell me how they felt (I am in love with you/love you) much sooner but felt they were running away with their passion and didn't want to be rejected.. We played a happy coy dance there.. It's all out in the open now...

I respect that timing so much..

It's a gamble I know..

 

Good luck xx

[inpeices]

THIS ^^^^^^

 

Need to know more really..

I am 6 months today infact and the I. L.Y came spilling out in a wonderful way last Thursday.. And I was over the moon that my feelings and thoughts were reciprocated.. I felt (and said) this much much sooner, but I have been very open and (vulnerable) by expressing verbally my feelings aswell as showing them in actions, thus making my partner feel and know without doubt where I stand. But without being desperate or needy or insecure if that makes sense..

I was just honest..

I decided, that being open, honest and confident with myself was the way forward.. No doubts in my mind but I doubted 100's in theirs.. Despite them DOING and behaving in an exemplary new date way.. Seeing each other as much as we can between work and other commitments, skyping, messaging, making plans a week or three ahead.. Conversations about holidays, interests, meeting family & friends and then actually doing so at the 4 / 5 month stage..

It's been a fabulous adventure so far and like many recommend.. Enjoy this dating stage! I am almost 100% comfortable in the future for us.. I now want to know this person so so much more and build on this..

Try to chill a bit and know some people don't say what they feel on your timings always.

My partner said they were feeling semi-overwhelmed and really wanted to tell me how they felt (I am in love with you/love you) much sooner but felt they were running away with their passion and didn't want to be rejected.. We played a happy coy dance there.. It's all out in the open now...

I respect that timing so much..

It's a gamble I know..

 

Good luck xx

 

Oh and we are a couple who cannot keep our hands off each other.. Kissing feels just amazing, Cuddling, hugging doing the dishes, constantly affectionate when together whether sitting, walking, standing chatting..which is totally alien to me.. Infact I have never desired to be in 'contact' physically with someone in my prescence from an emotional perspective ever.. And the feeling is mutual and not been experienced by them either.. Only took until I am nearly 40 and they 43 to realise what I / we have been missing!

Sheesh! Go get a bucket everyone sorry!

[Ninjainpajamas]

I always find it really funny and entertaining when women write about how to tell if a guy "loves you" or is "in love with you"...yet the guy hasn't even told you lol

 

I'm sorry, but the whole thing is rather ridiculous...I know it makes good female conversation over a cup of coffee but in a man's world this doesn't mean jack crap on it's own.

 

GUYS CAN DO AND SAY THESE THINGS...AND NOT LOVE YOU.

 

The weakest point in women is their lack of communication and inability or fear of talking about anything going on in the relationship with any straight-forwardness or boldness...that's what keeps you in the dark in your own little world while you come up with all these "reasons" the guy loves you.

 

I don't know if that's just something girls like to do, maybe it makes it exciting...I don't know, but it seems like most do it and many like to hang back and wonder if "the guy feels the same way she does".

 

Go ahead and do your little research and female based speculation which has nothing to do with why men actually do what they do...which men usually do things without an actual thought, that's the funniest part, and it could and most likely has nothing to do with or any connection with what you are thinking and believing in...but if it makes you feel better, and things are at least "move forward" and "progressing"..do the whole girly thing and live in some alternate reality, some of it in the end might be true and some it or most of it might not.

 

It just depends on how you want to live and see the world...IME many women rather live in the fantasy one than the reality, because if your gut is telling you something...then that's your beacon that warns you of any inconsistencies, when everything seems right but doesn't feel right...but that's the thing women always tend to overlook anyway, it's for the most part useless to most.

[superkatnip]

Ninja,

I am glad we entertain you.

I know for a fact that many men do not speak their hearts for whatever reason. I do however agree that a man can say things and not mean them. However, long term, consistent behavior is much harder to fake.

I guess I am more into watching his behavior and accepting his love as it is given even if it is not exactly I as would expect it.

I was married for so long to a man with BPD, that i had no idea what a mature man looked like.

I then rushed into a few relationships that were flash and burn, all with hearts and flowers and proclamations of love.

With this man, I have found a partner, lover and friend.

 

He checks on me daily, take care of me, tells others me (and others) how much I mean to him, includes me in all aspects of his life, supports me and allows me to be supportive to him.

The first time I realized how much thsi mean to me was the first time he saw an issue with my car, called the garage and then called me the next day saying this was where and when we would bring it in.

I actually teared up as no one, since my dad, when I was 18, had done things for me without being asked or nagged.

He then said that my ex had not set the bar very high, and he is right, but I am learning

So, would the words be nice, sure, but I will take a man I can rely on each day over words anyday,

[sunshine2]

I agree with you. This is my guy too. He fixes things when he sees them for me like my break light was out on my older car, he found the problem, went to the auto parts store, replaced the bulb and it was all fixed. I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate it when he does these things for me. This is why I think he shows his feelings through acts of service. Not so much in words or touch. So I watch his actions.

 

 

Ninja,

I am glad we entertain you.

I know for a fact that many men do not speak their hearts for whatever reason. I do however agree that a man can say things and not mean them. However, long term, consistent behavior is much harder to fake.

I guess I am more into watching his behavior and accepting his love as it is given even if it is not exactly I as would expect it.

I was married for so long to a man with BPD, that i had no idea what a mature man looked like.

I then rushed into a few relationships that were flash and burn, all with hearts and flowers and proclamations of love.

With this man, I have found a partner, lover and friend.

 

He checks on me daily, take care of me, tells others me (and others) how much I mean to him, includes me in all aspects of his life, supports me and allows me to be supportive to him.

The first time I realized how much thsi mean to me was the first time he saw an issue with my car, called the garage and then called me the next day saying this was where and when we would bring it in.

I actually teared up as no one, since my dad, when I was 18, had done things for me without being asked or nagged.

He then said that my ex had not set the bar very high, and he is right, but I am learning

So, would the words be nice, sure, but I will take a man I can rely on each day over words anyday,

[candie13]

I always find it really funny and entertaining when women write about how to tell if a guy "loves you" or is "in love with you"...yet the guy hasn't even told you lol

 

I'm sorry, but the whole thing is rather ridiculous...I know it makes good female conversation over a cup of coffee but in a man's world this doesn't mean jack crap on it's own.

 

GUYS CAN DO AND SAY THESE THINGS...AND NOT LOVE YOU.

 

The weakest point in women is their lack of communication and inability or fear of talking about anything going on in the relationship with any straight-forwardness or boldness...that's what keeps you in the dark in your own little world while you come up with all these "reasons" the guy loves you.

 

I don't know if that's just something girls like to do, maybe it makes it exciting...I don't know, but it seems like most do it and many like to hang back and wonder if "the guy feels the same way she does".

 

Go ahead and do your little research and female based speculation which has nothing to do with why men actually do what they do...which men usually do things without an actual thought, that's the funniest part, and it could and most likely has nothing to do with or any connection with what you are thinking and believing in...but if it makes you feel better, and things are at least "move forward" and "progressing"..do the whole girly thing and live in some alternate reality, some of it in the end might be true and some it or most of it might not.

 

It just depends on how you want to live and see the world...IME many women rather live in the fantasy one than the reality, because if your gut is telling you something...then that's your beacon that warns you of any inconsistencies, when everything seems right but doesn't feel right...but that's the thing women always tend to overlook anyway, it's for the most part useless to most.

 

question: so if he does all the right things, but something's a bit off and he doesn't say the ILY words... what would the solution be?

 

See, this is a sensitive topic and approaching it directly may have the same potential as trying to neutralize a bomb: there are non neglect-able chances that it might burst in your face.

 

Talk about it? ask questions about it? Withdrawing from the RS to see how he reacts?

[candie13]

I agree with you. This is my guy too. He fixes things when he sees them for me like my break light was out on my older car, he found the problem, went to the auto parts store, replaced the bulb and it was all fixed. I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate it when he does these things for me. This is why I think he shows his feelings through acts of service. Not so much in words or touch. So I watch his actions.

 

sorry, girls, I've been in the exact same RS and guess what, my intuition was correct. He was doing stuff for me around my house, planning trips, asking to spend more time together, had introduced me to his family and friends and were planning to do the same...

 

but smth was off. no ILY or romantic gestures that showed an emotional commitment / involvement. Guess what - he was not emotionally involved. Yes, men get to compartementalize JUST perfectly. It doesn't make them robots, it just makes them different.

 

If you feel that something is off, it's because most of the times, something IS off. Follow the smell and withdraw. For real. It's really difficult, because if your partner withdraws, our tendency is to go towards them. Wrong. Something is up. Something is always up.

 

Do not drop it. I have no idea what needs to be done, but protect your heart, because most of the times, quite shortly, you will understand why. something will happen and you will understand. In my case, my most recent ex served me with a fantastic speech where he told me he didn't know if he wanted to ever get married (yet he knew that this lil detail was very important to me). Exactly 4 days before flying to meet my parents. We broke up on the spot. Ya know why? Because he had had the time with withdraw emotionally before... his actions were serving the only purpose of making me get even more emotionally involved so that I have a harder time leaving. well, tough luck for both of us.

 

There's always a catch. Always. Open your eyes as big as a house and your ears even bigger.

[superkatnip]

I don't know Candie...

 

I do not feel like something is off, I am just coming to realize that how he communicates his love is different than I am used to.

I have seen him tear up only once since we have been together and have never heard him tell his daughters of stepmom (who raised him) ILY.

 

Personally, I will have o decide for ME, if thsi is a deal breaker. I am not there yet.

[sunshine2]

Candie, In my situation, we have only been dating for 3 1/2 months. I am not expecting a ILY, and Im not there yet either. Im still getting to know him and his quirks and he mine. At this point, he has given me flowers a few times, got me what I wanted for my birthday and is pretty consistent in communication. So time will tell for sure.

 

Im not sure how long you were with your X, but I'm sorry to hear thats how it ended. But there are men who just don't say ILY, its just how they are. It doesn't mean they don't have feelings though.

[candie13]

Candie, In my situation, we have only been dating for 3 1/2 months. I am not expecting a ILY, and Im not there yet either. Im still getting to know him and his quirks and he mine. At this point, he has given me flowers a few times, got me what I wanted for my birthday and is pretty consistent in communication. So time will tell for sure.

 

Im not sure how long you were with your X, but I'm sorry to hear thats how it ended. But there are men who just don't say ILY, its just how they are. It doesn't mean they don't have feelings though.

 

I understand what you mean. My ex never got me flowers though... so the romantic vibe was a bit off. He did cook for me and took me to some nice places.

 

it's just... one of those things, ya know... I'm not saying all men who have a hard time saying it are hiding something, but emotional connection, making the person in front of you feel loved, missed, appreciated... that's fundamental. Some women (me included) are more needy / appreciative of this...

 

it all depends if you are overall happy with the man and with how things are going with the RS. To be completely honest, my ex and I were both projecting too much in the future to begin with. But then, you also want your fundamentals right. I'm 35, I know I could not and would not even date once a guy who didn't want children... It's just so bloody complicated, all of a sudden.