Sweets1919 Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 My bf of 8 months has been acting distant this past week while away at work (9 hrs away). I have had a terrible time with him not calling and not communicating about his plan to come see me this weekend and for us to go away together this weekend. He kept telling me he is working and I found out last night he was off work since Thursday and went out partying with the guys he works with (they drove basically right past my city) but he did not call or return my call/text. I found out about this and he still thought I was thinking he was "stuck" at work. I asked him today when he called where he was and he lied and said at work. I told him I knew he was not there and for him to tell me what was really going on. He eventually said he and the guys went drinking and "partying" and he didn't want to call and tell me because he thought I'd get mad that he was going out with them instead of coming to see me as planned. I told him that if he does not want us to be together anymore then he just has to let me know...what I can't tolerate is the lies and that I was disappointed in him. We talked for about 20 minutes and he said that he did a lot of thinking at work and he needs some "space" right now. He is going to spend the weekend with friends and come see me on Monday. I told him to take this time to really think about things because I am not going to tolerate him doing this over again and that he has to be as dedicated to this relationship as I am or it won't work. I am 31 and he is 26 and he said today that that is a big part of it for him. I look young for my age (I get ID'd a lot of thetime and the age here is 18!) and we are friends with exactly the same people in our hometown (we are from the same place and the friends range in age from 26-32). It's not like I am friends with older married couples with kids and he is pressured that way...I only have one close friend who is married! He said that "right now it is not a problem, but what about in ten years"....I told him that if I was with someone I love then I would be happy I'm with them and not worry about ten years from now...(actually I would be thrilled to be with the same person after ten years!!) He then said maybe he has a problem with commitment and that he needs to figure his life out...ie. where he is going with his job. (I am more "established" so maybe that is a bit of it? I have a stable gov't job, own my own home and have only $2000 debt and some RRSPS....he rents an apartment, owes $20,000 on his truck, has $14,000 in debt and has no investments)....maybe he sees his life as too "settled" in a way if he continues with me. I know I used to feel that way when I used to think about dating older guys...it freaked me out because I wasn't ready for that stage of my life. I was on the "dating" page earlier this week and everyone said that he's just "not that into me"...maybe that's part of it too...I am not going to call or text him all weekend. Give him the space he (finally) said he wants and see what he has to say for himself on Monday.... I hate breaking up...it sucks. But I guess it's better to know the reality of his feelings and lack of ability to commit and share the same goal of the relationship NOW rather than waiting 8 more months or years! He told me today that he does not want to break up and that he does want to be with me....but maybe he just thinks he does???
Author Sweets1919 Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Sorry my post was a little long. I would love to get some feedback or opinions on my situation.... Sweets
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 he said that he did a lot of thinking at work and he needs some "space" right now. "Breaking up" is like walking into your place of work and quitting your job. "Space" and "taking a break" are like coming in on your day off of work. You still work at the place, but because you are off the clock - you aren't obligated to act like an employee, do any work, or follow work policy. So, I guess on some level he'll be involved with you, but don't expect him to be willing to act like a boyfriend, do any work on your relationship, or follow 'relationship rules'. As of his announcement that he needs space, you can consider him "off the clock" but "still employed". He wants a minimal amount from your relationship, when you want far more. You'll have to decide whether to stay and take a chance that he may want more (not likely), or move on and find someone who will want as much from a relationship as you do.
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