SoftViolin Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Let's say you are dating someone who was actively looking for a new job, and not necessarily locally. You are also pretty ready to move on career-wise, also not necessarily locally. The man you are dating (relatively new relationship of about a couple months, though we tried dating a year ago and at the time it didn't work out - timing related issues) is suggesting you both look for a job in the same place. So I realize all of this depends on a whole host of things, depth of feelings, where you are in your life/career. Here are my reservations with this: I am hesitant to commit to stay in this and let the feelings develop, knowing that he may move on to another place. He may get an offer tomorrow, he may be here another six months. But at the end of those six months saying good-bye will be much harder. I am ready to move on, but not right away. Ideally I want to wait several more months before I start looking for another opportunity. And our relationship is so young still, that I am not sure that I am willing to make a potential next career choice based on "us" to a large extent. Even if I am not making a choice, looking for an opportunity for two different occupations would be a tall order, and will likely limit the choices we'll both have. So - to hold on and trust/hope it will work out or let go? Leap into the unknown or remain level-headed? He is pretty serious about us moving away together and brings this up often. I have discussed my reservations with him and his opinion is that it will work out, we just both have to want it. But I, as it turns out, am scared to want it, because I am most definitely not a leap of faith kind of person. I think I have intense feelings for him, but then shouldn't I be sure and want to take that leap of faith? In short, very confusing situation. 1
neowulf Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Don't let him pressure you into taking your relationship to the next level. If you're not ready for it, then respect that feeling in yourself. You can either decide to continue to see each other and see how you feel when the moment comes, or decide to preempt it while things are new. Either way, difficult decision. Just be sure to respect your feelings and don't allow how others feel to sway you. Just because he's ready doesn't mean you're obligated to. 1
TheBathWater Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I agree. Don't ignore your feelings. I think you're doing the right thing by giving attention to all sides of the situation. You might have to decide at some point, and no matter what decision you choose it will be tough, but at least you will have given it some thought in the meantime. What a tough one. Good luck. 1
Author SoftViolin Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Thank you both, it's very good advice. Making the decision before I am ready or sure would not be a good path to take. I guess in the back of my mind I have a thought lurking that I might regret not taking that metaphorical leap. But then again, taking it is not a fail-safe against either mistakes or regret either.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I am in exactly the same position although my feelings are not quite as deep yet as yours seem to be. I think planning your whole life around someone you dated for 2 months is well, insane. It's not about taking this big leap and trusting him or trusting love. It's about trusting yourself. You don't have to make this huge, extreme decision now. You can go on with your career as if you would if you haven't met him. After all, he is doing just that. He could have well said "oh I am with this great girl, I will pause in looking for work and let this develop". He is however doing the same thing he would have if he hasn't met you. You are open to moving away. If he gets a job now or in 6 months, what's to stop you from being in LDR for a few months until you sort yourself out? Usually life has a way of making a choice very obvious to you. You are not ready to commit to any path now so I don't force it. Tell him that you are not ready at the moment and if he is the right guy, he won't push you. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You don't know him yet, 2 months is ot at all long enough to make choices like this and he shouldn't be attempting to put any pressure on. He won't be doing that if he is considerate of you. There's taking a leap of faith and missing an opportunity at a year but at 2 months - that's a bit too soon in my opinion. Things that put me off most are if he is bringing this up often as you say it would make me if I were in our shoes feel pressured. Also, there's the isolation factor of being somewhere else with no friends around you. I've also experienced this kind of talk and I was 100% right in choosing just to say 'see how things go, it's too soon for that for me yet'. This all came up around the 2 month mark for me too - I waited things out as I wanted to actually get to know what he was like. I eventually ran like hell out of that relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 What harm would it do to send a resume or two wherever he's looking? Right now this is all just speculation & doesn't mean much more than dreaming. You might not get any interviews. You certainly can't move until you have a new job nailed down. If you get an interview you might not get the job. Even if you get an offer, your present job may be better. When the time comes & the decisions are real, if you are still not feeling it, stay. Also I wouldn't move anywhere just for somebody else. Only go if you want to independently go there, meaning if he didn't exist would you be willing to relocate? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 You are much more likely to break up for unrelated reasons before he moves. All this speculation is a waste of time.
Author SoftViolin Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Thanks all for the input. I agree with a lot of you that it is way to soon and a lot of points Gemma and D0nnivain make really resonate with me. This is, at this point, all a speculation indeed. Whether waste of time or not, I guess depends on the person. It helps me to get some unbiased perspective on my situation and this is why we all come here, no? So for me I guess this decision is not about making a commitment after only a short amount of time of dating. We are not talking about moving in or anything like that, just recognizing that this could be something that we may not get the opportunity to explore if we go separate ways now. He is looking for a job as he just recently was laid off, so it's not a voluntary search and potential relocation. The pressure issue and the new place/isolation factor are the ones that concern me with starting the job search before I am ready. I want to make that decision independently and on my own time. But I am sounding it out here, because - well, I've always done the safe thing in life so far. I reason things out (sometimes overly so) and make very well thought out decisions. I've been in a stay or go situations before and have always done the safe thing. So I guess sometimes I wonder if in certain situations taking some (intelligent) risk is worth it. Too early to tell in this one, I think for now I'll stay my course.
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