ThisisIt606 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I'm sure this question has been asked time and time again... in my past relationships I'm usually the one to just bring up "so what do you think we are, do you consider me your gf?" It always ended in a yes, but doesn't make it any less awkward/ pressure filled. I've been dating this guy I met off tinder for almost a month now. We've had 6 dates (he's paid for 5 and has refused to let me pay). We have been intimate twice (one night his place and one night mine) our dates: 1) first meeting roof top drinks then he extended date to get tapas at another place 2) dinner 3) outdoor afternoon festival and early dinner 4) movie in the theater, drinks out, back to his place (first time sex with him) 5) dinner at a french bistro with live jazz 6) kayaking and we cooked dinner at my place, he stayed over (sex time 2). When he left my place (we walked out together bc I had somewhere to be) he said "let's get together sometime this week" I said "yeah, that sounds good. see you later!" I texted him that night but we just chatted about our days/funny things. He texted me first tonight. This friday it will be a month since our dates started. I'm thinking it may be too soon to bring up being exclusive, but I for one and not dating anyone else. ( I can't mentally or emotionally handle dating multiples after advancing past a 3rd date with a guy and especially after being intimate) He seems pretty available usually gives me his weekend plans on days we aren't seeing each other. So i don't THINK he's seeing anyone else but it's never good to assume these things now adays. Any ideas on how to bring up the exclusivity talk? I would much prefer he did it (makes my life easier!) but I also don't want to just wait/hope he will. Any ideas on what I can say but not make him nervous?
BluEyeL Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Exclusive is a step below girlfriend. So I'd ask him exactly what the above poster said. 1
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) You could say: "You know... I've been having so much fun with you... I'm not really interested in dating or having sex with anyone else ....how about you?" Or something like that. It's best to tell him how YOU feel first (you are not interested in dating anyone else/would like to be exclusive) and then ask him how he feels about it. IF I were ever inclined to bring up exclusivity (which I never have been)...that is how I would approach it. Light and breezy.... DO NOT make it this huge heavy conversation. Good luck! Edited June 23, 2015 by katiegrl 2
h0000 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Do you have to bring this up now? looks like you are enjoying this, why not let it grow and one day HE will ask you to be his gf when he's ready 1
TheBathWater Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Any ideas on what I can say but not make him nervous? I like the idea of commenting on how you're feeling, and then leaving it open to see how he responds. My only word of caution is to be mindful of how you are feeling when you respond to what he says if it is NOT what you were hoping to hear. 1
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Do you have to bring this up now? looks like you are enjoying this, why not let it grow and one day HE will ask you to be his gf when he's ready ^^That's how it's always been in all my relationships...... but according to the wise folks on LS, it's best to discuss it sooner rather than later....so as to make sure you're both on the same page. To avoid misunderstandings in case one or both discovers the other is dating other people down the road....after you're already emotionally and sexually involved... 1
h0000 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 ^^That's how it's always been in all my relationships...... but according to the wise folks on LS, it's best to discuss it sooner rather than later....so as to make sure you're both on the same page. To avoid misunderstandings in case one or both discovers the other is dating other people down the road....after you're already emotionally and sexually involved... It's only "almost a month". You are asking for exclusivity now? What if he says he is not totally ready? What are you gonna do OP?
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It's only "almost a month". You are asking for exclusivity now? What if he says he is not totally ready? What are you gonna do OP? Well I am not the OP, but if it were me, I would probably stop seeing him, because I am a single dater...and only date men who are single daters as well. Which we clarify with each other before we even start dating....which is why we never needed to lock down *exclusivity.* My boyfriend asked me on the first date whether I am a single dater or multi. I responded single, and so was he....our relationship pretty much took off after that. OR, if she doesn't want to stop seeing him, she could still date him but date other men as well. No sex until she is exclusive. JMO! 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 I did a bit of "online research" and it seems like he he dated his last gf for a little over 2 years. They broke up around August 2014.... Anyway to tell if I'm a rebound? He's really sweet and does simple yet impressive things like actually following though with what he says ( I'll text you at after I eat/gym/etc and he does, washed the dishes after dinner without me even asking for help, I was going to get him some more food and he said no, no sit down and relax, I'll get it) and other things that I can't think of now. He SEEMS sincere but I just my snooping is now raising my anxiety a bit and not sure if it's fair to him. He did tell me he broke up with his last gf bc he "didn't see a future/didn't see it going anywhere".
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I did a bit of "online research" and it seems like he he dated his last gf for a little over 2 years. They broke up around August 2014.... Anyway to tell if I'm a rebound? He's really sweet and does simple yet impressive things like actually following though with what he says ( I'll text you at after I eat/gym/etc and he does, washed the dishes after dinner without me even asking for help, I was going to get him some more food and he said no, no sit down and relax, I'll get it) and other things that I can't think of now. He SEEMS sincere but I just my snooping is now raising my anxiety a bit and not sure if it's fair to him. **He did tell me he broke up with his last gf bc he "didn't see a future/didn't see it going anywhere".*** Quote in asterisk -- yet he stayed with her for TWO years? I wonder if SHE knew he didn't think it was going anywhere....for TWO years. Think about that..... 1
Halcyon Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I tend to get this out of the way once it's established we both like each other to make sure that we are on the same page and to avoid this mental torture for both sides of trying to guess where one stands. I know when I want a women I'm seeing to be my girlfriend and I let it be known pretty quickly so we are on the same page. I asked my current girlfriend to be my girlfriend after 3 weeks on the 6th or 7th date. Then again I've never been interested in dating multiple people at once.
h0000 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) Quote in asterisk -- yet he stayed with her for TWO years? I wonder if SHE knew he didn't think it was going anywhere....for TWO years. Think about that..... I don't think it's fair to say that. You are pretty much saying "he knew it wasn't going anywhere the second they started dating yet he still stayed for 2 years" I don't see anything wrong in figuring out their future in two years. Many people entering a relationship without planning for a wedding. Not everybody can see their future within 2 weeks. Or he/she changed during the course and in the end he doesn't see a future anymore. Very normal Edited June 23, 2015 by h0000
h0000 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I did a bit of "online research" and it seems like he he dated his last gf for a little over 2 years. They broke up around August 2014.... Anyway to tell if I'm a rebound? He's really sweet and does simple yet impressive things like actually following though with what he says ( I'll text you at after I eat/gym/etc and he does, washed the dishes after dinner without me even asking for help, I was going to get him some more food and he said no, no sit down and relax, I'll get it) and other things that I can't think of now. He SEEMS sincere but I just my snooping is now raising my anxiety a bit and not sure if it's fair to him. He did tell me he broke up with his last gf bc he "didn't see a future/didn't see it going anywhere". No body knows if you are a rebound or not. His reason of the previous breakup can also just be an excuse he just googled. The safest approach is always to proceed slow, no matter in what situation. That's why I wouldn't recommend the bf/gf talk after "almost a month" knowing each other.
Confused602 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 With my boyfriend, he asked me out and we ended up going to a movie for our first date, then to dinner, then to a coffee shop where we spent a few hours just talking till the wee hours of the morning. From then on we just kept seeing each other, till after a couple of dates he came to pick me up from my house and had a pink rose sitting in the passenger seat. With that, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we have been together for almost a year and a half. It was probably theost romantic thing anyone has ever done for me With that, I think that when the time is right, he will make the move and make you his girlfriend. If a guy wants you, he will make it happen. Just be patient, and enjoy each other in the meantime.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I just say casually, "I now think of you as my boyfriend! ;)". If there is any uncertanity on his side, I am done.
morrowrd Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I suppose I'm old fashioned....but If the girl I'm dating and I become intimate, I assume that we are exclusive.
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I don't think it's fair to say that. You are pretty much saying "he knew it wasn't going anywhere the second they started dating yet he still stayed for 2 years" I don't see anything wrong in figuring out their future in two years. Many people entering a relationship without planning for a wedding. Not everybody can see their future within 2 weeks. Or he/she changed during the course and in the end he doesn't see a future anymore. Very normal Not the "second" they they started dating, come on now.... please. But I don't think it takes two years with someone to determine whether or not you foresee a future with that person. One year sure....but two? That's a stretch....I think he probably knew before that, but stayed because she was convenient, familiar and *comfortable.* Of course, I am not him so this is just speculation based on everything I have learned and experienced throughout the years. Let's hope the same thing does not happen with the OP.
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I'm sure this question has been asked time and time again... in my past relationships I'm usually the one to just bring up "so what do you think we are, do you consider me your gf?" It always ended in a yes, but doesn't make it any less awkward/ pressure filled. I've been dating this guy I met off tinder for almost a month now. We've had 6 dates (he's paid for 5 and has refused to let me pay). We have been intimate twice (one night his place and one night mine) our dates: 1) first meeting roof top drinks then he extended date to get tapas at another place 2) dinner 3) outdoor afternoon festival and early dinner 4) movie in the theater, drinks out, back to his place (first time sex with him) 5) dinner at a french bistro with live jazz 6) kayaking and we cooked dinner at my place, he stayed over (sex time 2). When he left my place (we walked out together bc I had somewhere to be) he said "let's get together sometime this week" I said "yeah, that sounds good. see you later!" I texted him that night but we just chatted about our days/funny things. He texted me first tonight. This friday it will be a month since our dates started. I'm thinking it may be too soon to bring up being exclusive, but I for one and not dating anyone else. ( I can't mentally or emotionally handle dating multiples after advancing past a 3rd date with a guy and especially after being intimate) He seems pretty available usually gives me his weekend plans on days we aren't seeing each other. So i don't THINK he's seeing anyone else but it's never good to assume these things now adays. Any ideas on how to bring up the exclusivity talk? I would much prefer he did it (makes my life easier!) but I also don't want to just wait/hope he will. Any ideas on what I can say but not make him nervous? If you've been intimate with him, it should happen very soon. You simply say, "I've been enjoying the time we spend together and am looking for a long-term relationship for myself. I am not dating anyone else and am not interested in doing so at this point". And, then let him talk. That is a simple, non-pressuring statement. It doesn't put him on the spot the way a question like you mentioned above might do. And, you need to be clear with each other about what exclusivity means to you both. Some people feel that exclusivity is the period before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a period for further evaluation on a deeper level to make that decision. Some people feel that exclusivity is only about intimacy. They are only intimate with that one person, while dating others casually without intimacy. That's a grey area, but does exist out there. And, some people feel it's boyfriend and girlfriend at that point. Just be on the same page, that's all.
katiegrl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) If you've been intimate with him, it should happen very soon. **You simply say, "I've been enjoying the time we spend together and am looking for a long-term relationship for myself. I am not dating anyone else and am not interested in doing so at this point". And, then let him talk. ** That is a simple, non-pressuring statement. It doesn't put him on the spot the way a question like you mentioned above might do. And, you need to be clear with each other about what exclusivity means to you both. Some people feel that exclusivity is the period before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a period for further evaluation on a deeper level to make that decision. Some people feel that exclusivity is only about intimacy. They are only intimate with that one person, while dating others casually without intimacy. That's a grey area, but does exist out there. And, some people feel it's boyfriend and girlfriend at that point. Just be on the same page, that's all. Quote in asterisk.... I agree ....but she should not just say it and then "let him talk." You would be surprised how many guys would *not* talk after hearing a statement like that....or respond with "okay.". .........Lol...I am serious! She would be wise to ask, after making the comment, "what say you?" or "what do you think?" or even "how do you feel?" I have found that men respond more to DIRECT *questions* ..not just statements...often times they just don't "get" that the woman is attempting to elicit a conversation.....or find out how the guy feels....sometimes they don't know how to respond! Be direct, straightforward... say how you feel and what you want....then ask what he thinks or feels about it. He will appreciate your directness... Edited June 23, 2015 by katiegrl
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Quote in asterisk.... I agree ....but she should not just say it and then "let him talk." You would be surprised how many guys would *not* talk after hearing a statement like that....or respond with "okay.". .........Lol...I am serious! She would be wise to ask, after making the comment, "what say you?" or "what do you think?" or even "how do you feel?" I have found that men respond more to DIRECT *questions* ..not just statements...often times they just don't "get" that the woman is attempting to elicit a conversation.....or find out how the guy feels....sometimes they don't know how to respond! Be direct, straightforward... say how you feel and what you want....then ask what he thinks or feels about it. He will appreciate your directness... say how you feel and what you want....then ask what he thinks or feels about it -- That's what I mean't too. Don't just ask the question first. Temper it/preface it a little, don't say "are we exclusive?" Take the edge off of it. It's an awkward thing anyway and may be putting them on the spot if they hadn't really been thinking about it yet. Try not to be blunt, "casualize" it, so to speak. 1
empresario Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I always make it perfectly clear when I want to be exclusive with someone. I tell them I only want to see them and wonder if they feel the same. I always have this conversation before sex, well, because of my career I can't afford to get a disease or random pregnancy. Communication always always always makes things easier. 1
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