Fred321 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Hi all, not sure where to post this, so if it´s in the wrong forum please feel free to move it. Basically my situation is this: I´m a 21 year old male, and seem to have a recurring problem with girls that I´m sort of at a loss at how to get past. I had a very difficult time growing up, and have had a lot of problems with some of the women in my early life, in particular my mother who was always very distant and with whom nowadays I have a very strained relationship, so I´m fairly sure it´s a factor in what´s happening but there doesn´t seem a lot I can do on that front. Through most of my teenage years I was quite overweight and did not take care of my appearance. I knew I had an interest in girls but due to low self confidence and a lot of trouble at home the possibility of a girlfriend did not really seem like an option. Around the age of 17 something changed. I made a lot of great friends, became more confident, got slim, and to my surprise discoved that quite a lot of girls actually seemed interested and wanted to flirt with me. My fortunes improved somewhat, but the shyness and self doubt of my earlier years remained and as a consequence I was a virgin until this year. I have since made a decision just to play around and not actively look for a proper "girlfriend", trying to get a bit more experience under my belt. Since my first "proper" time I´ve a couple more sexual experiences, but the problem is that the only time things seem to work out are when the girl is far more interested in me than I am in her, which has led to me making a couple of choices I really regret in hindsight, more because I could than because I wanted to. Every time I meet a girl who seems obviously interested in me and I am just as attracted to her, the same thing always seems to happen: she suddenly seems to lose interest for no apparent reason that I can see, or we arrange a date and either she flakes out and never calls back or I go on the date and all her interest in me seems to have suddenly disappeared. I´m guessing the problem has something to do with the fact that if I am meeting a girl I like I get extremely nervous and can´t think of anything else the whole day, with thoughts of her losing interest or just plain ignoring me at the front of my mind, and it always seems to turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. I´m conscious of trying not to appear desperate and am not the kind of guy who calls or texts girls 1000 times in 5 minutes, so I´m not sure what to put it down to other than "bad vibes". Due to the same thing seemingly repeating itself over and over again, I´m getting very disheartened and am not sure what I can do to change it. I know I am still young and I have plenty of time to change things, so I am trying not to beat myself up about it too much, but every time I strike out and can´t seem to see any obvious reason why the negative thoughts get stronger and I find them really hard to control. I know rejection is a part of life and if as sometimes happens I approach a girl and she is polite but obviously not that into me I just accept it and move along, but when a girl is very obviously flirting with me and suddenly her interest just drops like a stone it feels like I can´t win. The obvious answer might be to relax and focus on other parts of my life but without willing it I just find it playing on my mind far more than I want it to.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It seems that you understand that fear of things going wrong does not give you any benefit, on the contrary, such fear dramatically increases the chances of those things going wrong! And when it comes to relationships, it is far better to be surprised if it goes wrong than it is to live in fear that it will go wrong. belief in your relationship and your partner will cost you nothing, it will make you happy. But what will fear give you that is any advantage? If you have fear and the relationship ends it will still hurt just as much, so what have you gained by being afraid? Nothing.
spiderowl Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Do you do something different as well as feel different? There is nothing wrong with feeling scared and anxious but if you (for example) text her too much or don't text at all because you are trying to be cool, both of those things would come across as a bit worrying to the girl. If you suddenly start to back off because you are anxious, she will think you are not interested in her. If you become more serious in the way you talk or behave, then she might wonder what on earth has happened. I think rather than worrying if your anxiety is putting her off, look at what changes about your behaviour. I've been in touch with guys who've seemed very interested and then suddenly when you agree to meet them their behaviour changes. They might become more erratic with communication or even seem evasive, which is bizarre. With other guys, they suddenly seem to get more invasive - asking when you last met someone, if you are talking to anyone else, or whatever. They suddenly seem more controlling. When this happens because you've agreed to meet, it's downright offputting. What gives them the right at this stage? I assume they are suddenly wanting to make sure they are the only one you are seeing, but it's premature and changes the mood of everything. So think about how your behaviour changes and then consider how a woman might find that. Just do whatever you were doing while she seemed interested.
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