He didn't get my a bday present?

[smackie9]

Gosh has dating really gotten that bad over the years? The guys I dated were excited to do something nice/special for me. What the hell is wrong with men these days?? lol

[Halcyon]

I've had a women freak out when I got her a birthday present under similar time frame similar story to losangelena except I didn't hand make her anything I just got her a book she had been talking about.

 

I've been a lot more cautious about gifts early on since then. I would of course acknowledge her birthday but no gift this early on.

 

Gosh has dating really gotten that bad over the years? The guys I dated were excited to do something nice/special for me. What the hell is wrong with men these days?? lol

 

Sadly yes, at least in early days there is so many minefields the slightest thing will throw it out. Not a problem with men problem with people. I've been on the other side of this as well and it was very painful.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Halcyon

[jen1447]

The thing is, you could hardly go wrong while giving this gift on a date. It's not like you'd make losangelena's silly hat in your spare time for 8 weeks and then go over to her house one day unannounced to deliver it. You're already in an intimate setting with her, presumably bc she wants to be there with you. So as long as you didn't give her an engagement ring or something over the top, it would be almost impossible to be taken badly. Even just buying dinner would be enough.

[katiegrl]

 

**I've had a women freak out when I got her a birthday present under similar time frame similar story to losangelena except I didn't hand make her anything I just got her a book she had been talking about. **

 

I've been a lot more cautious about gifts early on since then. I would of course acknowledge her birthday but no gift this early on.

 

Sadly yes, at least in early days there is so many minefields the slightest thing will throw it out. Not a problem with men problem with people. I've been on the other side of this as well and it was very painful.

 

Oh good gawd...I hope you dumped her after that...most if not all women would have loved that gesture.....super thoughtful! Assuming they were into the guy. My guess is she wasn't.

 

How long did you date her after her "freak out"? Just curious

 

Bizarre...

[losangelena]

Having read OP's other posts about this guy, I don't know what to think. To me it sounds like he came on very strong over the first three dates and that she was worried that he was "too perfect." It seems as if not doing anything for her birthday knocked him off his pedestal, or maybe it's an indication that the coming on strong act is fading. Who knows, OP still hasn't been back to give an update, so we don't know if they've slept together, if they're exclusive, etc. Sure, if he had done something for her b-day, it would probably have gone a long way to get them to exclusivity. However, he could just be a guy who's not good at birthdays/holidays/gifts, though that doesn't jib with the rest of his behavior.

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Still, I think, generally speaking, that women (or men) in OP's situation would concentrate not on their partner's gaff, but look to their other good qualities—are they consistent with contact, do they show care in other ways? To quote countless of you: "do not put so much pressure on one day."

[MidwestUSA]

Well, he's still on Tinder looking. As many suggested, he's not as gung ho about this as she is.

 

My warning, assume nothing until exclusivity is declared.

[katiegrl]

Oh good gawd...I hope you dumped her after that...most if not all women would have loved that gesture.....super thoughtful! Assuming they were into the guy. My guess is she wasn't.

 

How long did you date her after her "freak out"? Just curious

 

Bizarre...

 

Edit: Actually, I wonder if her *freak out* was because your book gift was *too* impersonal....and not romantic enough.

 

There was a thread awhile ago (not on LS) created by a woman whose boyfriend gave her a book she had been eyeing....and she was insulted.... and hurt...because it wasn't *romantic" and in her mind, it meant he must not be that into her.

 

I believe they had been dating about a month as well.

 

If my memory serves me correctly, she dumped him because of it.

 

Meanwhile, the guy is thinking she dumped him because he got her a gift!

 

Just sayin....

[chicaboom]

Ok, sorry I have not been back to this thread. Thanks everyone for their feedback I read everything. Here are some answers to clear things up

 

 

I think he should have gotten you sth and acknowledged it. (And yes, flowers would have been perfect.) It actually seems weird to me, 5 dates or no, that he wouldn't even mention it. Was he even aware it was your b-day?

 

Yes he knew it was my bday. He wished me happy birthday on the day. On the day I spent it with family and I had no expectations of him to take me out that day.

 

5 dates is a bit early, IMO - I would've understood your disappointment if you had been together for some time, but in this case it's rather iffy. Are the two of you even bf/gf yet, or are you still in the casual dating phase?

 

We are NOT b/f gf. It's still casual. I just really like him.

 

Meh, I don't know, you guys. They've gone out on five dates—FIVE. When I was on here complaining about my BF not having gotten me anything for Christmas, I got a lot of responses about "love languages" and "cultural differences" and "not putting too much pressure on one day." To say this guy made a huge gaff for not better acknowledging OP's birthday sounds contradictory to me.

 

It's one thing to say it's a disappointment but not a deal breaker (which is how I see it), than it is to say he doesn't like her. He's showing her consistency and even by OP's account, she is really enjoying how it's going! I think she should concentrate on the positive aspects of their dating relationship and not let the seeds of doubt be sown over one botched birthday, especially so early into the relationship.

 

Further thoughts:

 

This totally happened to me. I was seeing this guy for a while last year. We'd had four good dates, and leading up to our fifth one, he started hinting that he had a present for me. When I meet him for dinner, he gives me this hat—THAT HE MADE—and it was a complete turn-off. I can't explain why I felt that way. He was obviously so excited to give it to me, but I was mortified. Yes, it was thoughtful, and yes he took a lot of time to make it, but I just didn't know what to do with it! It was an instant attraction killer, and I broke up with him before we could go out again. Maybe if he'd given it to me a few dates later it would have been different, but as it were, it felt very much like he was giving it to me to gain "points" rather than making it special for me.

 

Anyway, instead of crucifying this guy, I'd instead ask the OP to think about whether SHE'S truly into this guy, whether or not she can spend time getting to know him without ticking off boxes or putting each of his actions into a "pro" and "con" column.

 

 

Normally when I date guys, I do immediately try to decipher what is good what is bad. And I've been working really hard trying nOT to do that. but obviously it's still happening a little. I think that is good advice to focus on the positives. But I am also aware that that noticing red flags early on can save me a lot of hurt. which brings me to...

 

The fact that it's a third thread in five dates doesn't really bode well either.

 

The reason why I am posting so many threads is b/c I really like this guy and I have no told any of my friends about him yet b/c I tend to overanalyze I think. So this forum is a way for me to get a little bit of a release without it consuming my life and my daily discussions with friends.

 

I am very cogniscent of the fact that when I date someone new and I tell friends that is all we talk about and it becomes this thing that takes over my life I really dont want that to happen anymore, so this forum and these threads are a way for me to get usually good objective feedback while also keeping it separate from my life. This allows me to NOT get consumed by a relationship or dating which can be dangerous for me.

 

So I don't think that the frequency of threads in my case is any indication of major troubles, more an indication that I really really like this guy and am trying to maintain balance in my life.

 

To Answer some other questions that have come up:

 

no we have not slept together

no there has not been of any talk of exclusivity

I met him on tinder and today I went on to see him he has been on and he was on 4 days ago:(

 

I agree with a lot of people that I might be more invested than him at this point and i need to check myself before I wreck myself. I feel like I should probably pull back a bit and maybe not see him this weekend so I can come back to myself.

 

I am very hurt that he did not get me a little something for my bday, or take me out for bday treat and I am really hurt that he is still on tinder:(

 

I guess he wasnt as into me as I thought he was:( Dissappointment is always the worst in dating and I don't know if I can even act normally around him when I see him next. I'm a more traditional girl I suppose but it is still all very hurtful to me even though we haven't been seeing each other that long:( And Indication of how much I like this guy I suppose.

[brandonstellar]

If he only has made effort to see you once a week than this is very casual dating to me, he is probably dating others too, I think he just forgot it was your birthday because obviously he didn't deem it of importance.

 

As bad as it sounds, I agree. Did he at least acknowledge your bday?

[chicaboom]

As bad as it sounds, I agree. Did he at least acknowledge your bday?

 

He did wish me a happy bday. But yes he could be dating others:(

[BluEyeL]

My BF got me a gift for my bday....a vacuum cleaner lol

[BluEyeL]

As bad as it sounds, I agree. Did he at least acknowledge your bday?

Wtf once a week is fine one month in. People often sabotage their relationships by assuming the worst, rushing and creating drama.

[Keenly]

I've had a women freak out when I got her a birthday present under similar time frame similar story to losangelena except I didn't hand make her anything I just got her a book she had been talking about.

 

I've been a lot more cautious about gifts early on since then. I would of course acknowledge her birthday but no gift this early on.

 

 

 

Sadly yes, at least in early days there is so many minefields the slightest thing will throw it out. Not a problem with men problem with people. I've been on the other side of this as well and it was very painful.

 

 

Same thing I did. I gave her a book that I owned that was a continuation of a mutually admired video games universe on the third date, never heard from her again. I can only assume it was because I gave a gift too early and crossed the boundary.

[Keenly]

My BF got me a gift for my bday....a vacuum cleaner lol

 

That gift really sucks.

[katiegrl]

Same thing I did. I gave her a book that I owned that was a continuation of a mutually admired video games universe on the third date, never heard from her again. I can only assume it was because I gave a gift too early and crossed the boundary.

 

 

That may NOT have been why you never heard from her again.

 

 

Read my post no. 82....

 

 

Chicks are weird sometimes....that's all I can say.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, if a man is going to give a woman a gift, it needs to be something he knows she's interested in or likes or has mentioned. This is one way a woman knows if her man is paying attention to her and wants to accommodate her needs and wants. Lots of men give gifts that they THINK the woman will want, not what he KNOWS she wants. If you can't remember something she's said she wanted or needs or don't know her well enough yet, flowers are a better fall back at least.

[Keenly]

That may NOT have been why you never heard from her again.

 

 

Read my post no. 82....

 

 

Chicks are weird sometimes....that's all I can say.

 

All I have to go on is the events that happened and the order that they happened in.

[kenmore]

Edit: Actually, I wonder if her *freak out* was because your book gift was *too* impersonal....and not romantic enough.

 

There was a thread awhile ago (not on LS) created by a woman whose boyfriend gave her a book she had been eyeing....and she was insulted.... and hurt...because it wasn't *romantic" and in her mind, it meant he must not be that into her.

 

I believe they had been dating about a month as well.

 

If my memory serves me correctly, she dumped him because of it.

 

Meanwhile, the guy is thinking she dumped him because he got her a gift!

 

Just sayin....

 

Not to offend anyone (but that's often impossible here) but I think a book that she mentioned is a perfectly thoughtful and romantic gift. I mean you can't go giving rings (as Jen said) and to be honest, a book she mentioned is more romantic than flowers...either that of I'm totally on a different page than women.

 

I have had poor responses to flowers too. Responses like "well thank you, but I prefer this kind" (granted, they usually say thank you very much and they loved them but the stipulation of what they like is for next time...still it reeks just a bit of ungratefulness.) or "thank you so much but I love living flowers, these cut flowers will just die." or "thank you so much for the living flowers, now what, where will I plant them? How do I take care of them?"

 

So, to everyone who cares and everyone who is unsure of what to say: when a gift is given to you, the proper response is "thank you." The proper thought is "that was very kind." I can see over-the-top gifts like engagement rings being a problem, but otherwise shut up and like it. It could be so much worse!

 

Ken

 

P.S. I'm not saying anything about you katiegirl, I know that was not what you were saying, you were just making a point as am I.

Edited June 25, 2015 by kenmore
to add P.S.

[katiegrl]

Not to offend anyone (but that's often impossible here) but I think a book that she mentioned is a perfectly thoughtful and romantic gift. I mean you can't go giving rings (as Jen said) and to be honest, a book she mentioned is more romantic than flowers...either that of I'm totally on a different page than women.

 

I have had poor responses to flowers too. Responses like "well thank you, but I prefer this kind" (granted, they usually say thank you very much and they loved them but the stipulation of what they like is for next time...still it reeks just a bit of ungratefulness.) or "thank you so much but I love living flowers, these cut flowers will just die." or "thank you so much for the living flowers, now what, where will I plant them? How do I take care of them?"

 

So, to everyone who cares and everyone who is unsure of what to say: when a gift is given to you, the proper response is "thank you." The proper thought is "that was very kind." I can see over-the-top gifts like engagement rings being a problem, but otherwise shut up and like it. It could be so much worse!

 

Ken

 

P.S. I'm not saying anything about you katiegirl, I know that was not what you were saying, you were just making a point as am I.

 

Thanks, I know you weren't referring to me....as I had mentioned in a previous post what a totally thoughtful gift that would be. Personally I would have loved it.

 

But the woman who created that thread believed it wasn't romantic enough and was in a real snit about it. Ended up dumping the guy....which is no more bizarre than a chick dumping a guy for simply buying her the gift in the first place!

 

As Keenly's ex did....

 

Honestly, I still believe if a woman dumps a guy after buying her a thoughtful gift.... whether they are dating one week, one month, one year or longer....sorry guys, she is just NOT into you.

 

It was NOT the gift.

 

Edit: And Ken....in re to those self-entitled and bytchy women who did not appreciate the type of flowers you bought, you'd be wise to dump their asses .....sooner rather than later.

 

Unbelievable....

Edited June 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[Halcyon]

This girl I had been seeing for a little over a month. She dumped me a few days later, said the gift was so thoughtful no one had given her something like that so soon and it scared her. Basically she thought I was in it more than her, I was just being nice.

 

Second time it happened was with my ex girlfriend. Got her a Christmas present she freaked the **** out because she realised things were getting serious after 6 months (ya think?). Dumped me a few days later she was young and wanted to be free. She came back around a few months ago basically looking for me to be her boyfriend without the label because she missed me and what a great person I was. I couldn't do that obviously and we haven't spoken since.

 

Probably the most hurtful thing relating to presents was with my ex previous to my last ex. I was with her for two and half years. Her and I have birthdays close to Christmas hers before mine after. I got her some nice presents for her birthday and Christmas. Christmas comes... she got me nothing. I was really hurt but thought ok maybe she got me a combined present for my birthday? Birthday comes nothing.

 

Found out shortly after she was cheating on me, lost my **** and left. Now that ****ing stung. She too came around recently trying to get back in contact with me apologising like no tomorrow and saying she made the biggest mistake in her life doing what she did. Seems people take me for granted when I'm around only realising what they lost when I'm gone.

 

Basically I hate giving presents now and I hate receiving them.

[PogoStick]

That gift really sucks.

 

Better than a gift that blows!

[PogoStick]

Yeah, if a man is going to give a woman a gift, it needs to be something he knows she's interested in or likes or has mentioned. If you can't remember something she's said she wanted or needs or don't know her well enough yet, flowers are a better fall back at least.

 

*sigh*. Wishing her happy birthday and taking her to the fair doesn't work. Giving a thoughtful book based upon conversation doesn't work (omg he was listening!). Getting her a 1950's misogynist give doesn't work. I'll bet a giftcard to her favorite salon means we hate her hair.

 

If we get her flowers, I'm sure they'll be the wrong color.

 

I gave a girl a groupon for a spa treatment and massage. How's that rank?

[Gaeta]

What this man did for her birthday was proportionate to his level of involvement with her.

 

She got a phone call. That's how important she is at this time.

 

Considering he only took her out 1 time a week, they are not exclusive or heading toward exclusivity, considering he gave her a speech about being guarded (which I personal translate as Not ready for a relationship), considering all this he didn't do anything wrong.

[katiegrl]

Yeah, if a man is going to give a woman a gift, it needs to be something he knows she's interested in or likes or has mentioned. This is one way a woman knows if her man is paying attention to her and wants to accommodate her needs and wants. Lots of men give gifts that they THINK the woman will want, not what he KNOWS she wants. If you can't remember something she's said she wanted or needs or don't know her well enough yet, flowers are a better fall back at least.

 

Unless they've been dating a long time....it would be near impossible to get her something he for sure KNOWS she wants RH.

 

Unless he asks her....which IMO defeats the purpose of giving the gift in the first place.

 

No matter how big or small....the gift should be thoughtful... and come from his heart....and it should be based on what he knows about her up until that point.

 

That is why a book she has been eyeing is good....it's thoughtful. He could write a thoughtful note inside, based on the level of involvement they are at.

 

At one month? "Thought you would enjoy reading this....hope you have a great day!". Or something casual like that....

 

A single rose is also nice...or hell even a cute e-card with a pic of a beautiful bouquet would be awesome at the one month mark. My opinion....

[losangelena]

At one month? "Thought you would enjoy reading this....hope you have a great day!". Or something casual like that....

 

A single rose is also nice...or hell even a cute e-card with a pic of a beautiful bouquet would be awesome at the one month mark. My opinion....

 

What this man did for her birthday was proportionate to his level of involvement with her.

 

She got a phone call. That's how important she is at this time.

 

That's a nice sentiment and all, but I'm sorry Katie, I have to disagree. You're not even considering the wide swath of men who (forgive me, men) are just downright BAD at gift giving. My dad, who was married to my mom for 30 years before he died was a HORRIBLE gift giver. Like, embarrassingly bad. Every year for Christmas he would go to the store the day of Christmas Eve and pick out some half-assed gift. He NEVER got better at it. I'm sure my mom would have rather he get her nothing than what he got her, but she didn't complain outwardly. Regardless, it was no indicator of his love and care for her.

 

Now, I know that doesn't really apply to OP and her situation obviously, but the point I'm trying to make is that when you say that a guy should get something heartfelt, that's just hard for some of them.

 

In this situation though, I agree with Gaeta. Especially considering ALL we know about OP's relationship. I mean, she even admitted in her other thread that she didn't invite him to her birthday party! If you were him, don't you think that would've been your cue to get her something? He knew it was her birthday and wasn't invited to the party. If I were him I'd assume a gift wasn't expected.

 

Considering he only took her out 1 time a week, they are not exclusive or heading toward exclusivity, considering he gave her a speech about being guarded (which I personal translate as Not ready for a relationship), considering all this he didn't do anything wrong.

 

I agree with this also. I understand OP's disappointment, but it seems like she has a tendency to overanalyze every single move this guy makes—he say this, he does that, he doesn't do this, etc. She's too wrapped up in what everything "means" instead of just enjoying the process of getting to know him, a habit that is sure to bring with it resentment and distrust—before they've barely gotten off the ground! What, if he comes to her and says he wants to be exclusive, she's really going to turn him down because he didn't get anything/do anything for her birthday? We would collectively tell a woman she's petty if she came here asking that.

Edited June 25, 2015 by losangelena