mindbattling Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I've been with/living with my boyfriend for about 4 yrs now. This is my first real relationship. He's a bit older than me. I don't like to be judged on age differences because we have tons in common and get along great, mostly. We love the same types of movies, tv shows, read the same books, have mostly the same hobbies. I love him to death. I don't get very close to many people and he means the world to me. I'm 21 and very shy. I don't do well around strangers so having someone I'm comfortable with means a lot to me because it's rare. The last yr, maybe less I cant pinpoint the exact time, I've become somewhat unhappy in our relationship. We are having problems in the bedroom and it's really taking a toll on me. I dress sexy for my boyfriend and when he doesn't get turned on or compliment me it gets me feeling down. I've talked about it with him before and it hasn't helped much. I want to kiss him deeply again and fix all our bedroom problems but I've just given up for now. I'd rather just not have the disappointment so it's better to ignore the problem and focus on the happy areas. It's like we're great at being best friends but not at being great lovers. Here is the main problem. I know I'm dependent on my boyfriend and it makes it 1000 times harder for me to leave. I have no friends, and me and my boyfriend go everywhere together. Do everything together. I've thought about breaking up and I can't do it right now. It hurts just thinking about it. I'm scared of being alone, not have any kind of affection for long periods of time. I'm scared I won't find someone else that I feel like I can tell anything to, share my deepest secrets with. Or that it'd be years before I found that someone. I'm scared that my bf can't make it without me. We both have nowhere to go if we separated. I'm a very sensitive person and I love cuddling, hugging, and just having someone to talk to everyday. My mind knows I need to be alone, grow up and learn to love myself instead of putting others first but I just can't picture myself making it on my own. I can't picture him making it on his own without me. I'd be broken and have no one to put me back together. My heart wants us to stay together so it's a battle between the two. How does codependency get fixed? Am I overthinking and making the problem worse?
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Would it help you to know that you may not be as co-dependent as you believe you are? That in fact, making rational decisions is actually very difficult at your age, because your brain hasn't finished fully forming yet...? You can't think straight, because - you can't think straight. Let me just say this: if you continue to stay with your BF, and you continue to kid yourself that the rest of your relationship will compensate for what's lacking - then you are in for a sad, unfulfilled and frustrated life. And he has absolutely no right to expect that of you, and furthermore you relly shouldn't feel obligated to stay in a relationship where the only one having all their needs met, to their satisfaction, is him. You don't say exactly how MUCH older than you he is, but the problem (depending on his age) could be medical. if that side of things is not an issue, or it has been 'eliminated from suspicion', then you're not sexually compatible. And to say you're fearful of never finding someone who will be great for you, is extremely naive and blinkered. It's self-defeating, and totally, completely untrue. Look, I'm a good bit older than you are, and I got re-married in my 50's.... He survived and existed ok before he met you. Believe me, he will be fine when you leave. And yes, I'm sorry, but you must leave. He is not everything to you; and one very important, vital and necessary aspect of your relationship is lacking and making you sad. The only way out of it - is out of it.
smackie9 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Seek out help within your family. I'm sure if you communicate with them, they will give you a temp place to live, and support. As for your BF, he can live without you, he is an adult....I would be more worried about him leaving you for someone. If he isn't that into you, it's possible he is getting somewhere else now.
Gary S Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 You could try tough love to get him to start having sex with you again. Cut off romance - stop doing things and chores for him, stop going places with him, no dinners out, no recreational companionship. When he complains, then is your chance to tell him what's eating you. Perhaps then he'll be ready to listen and change. Sometimes, it has to be their own idea to change. People should give their partner sex and affection whenever they want it.
smackie9 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 What???? use manipulation to get what you want??? fail. And a partner should give affection/sex without being expected to do it.
losangelena Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Yeah, OP, I'd be curious to know how co-dependent you actually are. Co-dependency is more than just doing everything with one person, it's a pattern of behaviors that essentially keep both people in the relationship stuck where they are. I used to be in a co-dependent relationship, but he lived 3,000 miles away and we did almost nothing together. However, I was terrified of losing him. It's not like he was the only person in my life, but he was the absolutely most important. I walked on eggshells around him; completely denied myself as a person for him; I refused to ever rock the boat or say anything that I thought might be controversial or argumentative, because I was so afraid that he'd get upset and abandon me; I was convinced that I would not be able to go on living without him; and if I did do anything that upset him, it threw me into a panic. Most of all, I did all of these things because I thought it was loving behavior. Reading up on co-dependency showed me that what I was doing was not loving, it was controlling. By so sublimating my own thoughts/wishes/needs/opinions, I was denying him a chance to make informed decisions about me and our relationship. As I began to read more about it, I realized that if I truly DID love him, I'd have to let him go, or at least let go of the position I put him in in my life. But that was definitely easier said than done. Inevitably, as I became more resentful, I began acting out, and we began arguing. Eventually, during one of our fights (over the phone, mind you), he said that I made him feel pressured. When he said that, when I realized that how I was acting really did have an affect on him, and that it wasn't about him just being an *******, I knew I had to let him go. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I'm so glad I did because I was free of it. Now, a lot of co-dependent couples don't break up, but they do learn how to shift the dynamic between them to be healthier. If I were you, I'd try and figure out a way to do this.
Author mindbattling Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Our communication hasn't always been good. a couple months ago we had a talk and I gave him the "I'll give you one more chance" speech but I don't think he took it very seriously. when I get depressed about things and he knows I'm upset with him I go a long period of time without saying anything, become distant from him and feel nothing from hugs, touches etc. He always says I'm mad and I try to explain that mad and upset are two totally different things, but since he thinks I'm just mad he thinks he can get mad back and bring up unresolved arguments from the past to divert attention away from the current problem. He has lots of stuff that he gets stressed about and I know those things are really stressful. I get stressed out by the same things he does but since they are his problem he thinks I can't possibly be under the amount of stress as him. So when I have stressful problems/get upset over things I feel he makes me feel like I have it perfect compared to him, that he is the problem to everything, everything is always his fault etc. Like for instance, we've had arguements about sex and affection and it always ends in "I've got all this going on and you want to worry about sex, I guess I'm just such a bad guy and you hate me etc". Like how am I supposed to respond to that? Of course I tell him that he's not a bad guy and everything isn't his fault and I don't hate him, but that makes the problem go unresolved. He's explained that his ex used to want to fight all the time and he'd just shut up and say "you're right" so he does that to me and ugh I hate that saying lol. We rarely have big arguments, but when we do we have the habit of having them right before bed and I know that's suppose to be a big no. We just fall asleep upset/mad and never get anything resolved it seems. I'm more open to saying my problems with him over long texts because that way I feel like he can actually listen and try to understand. Then when I put all that time and thought into saying my feelings over a text and he comes home and stays silent while I'm silent it makes me feel like he still doesn't understand. Like you can say you will fix it etc over a text but then say nothing nice/comforting when your face to face? I might be different but when I'm sad I want to be treated with affection and kind words not with anger and frustration. To answer the previous posters. I don't have any family members that I'm close enough with that I would want to ask for help. I support my dad who lives next door so thats not a option. I never had a mom growing up, she passed away when I was young. I have no friends that could be supportive. How could I possible be alone with no friends and not get lonely really quick/suffer financially? I might be happier if I became independent but I don't know because I'm scared of going that route. So I'm just kinda "stuck" and I know he feels stuck too. He just puts up with stuff with my dad etc because he loves me. I know if we didn't love each other we would be both gone our seperate ways, but how do you know exactly when something is over and shouldn't be worked on anymore? How would I explain what I'm feeling to my boyfriend and actually make him listen and understand?
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Our communication hasn't always been good. a couple months ago we had a talk and I gave him the "I'll give you one more chance" speech but I don't think he took it very seriously. when I get depressed about things and he knows I'm upset with him I go a long period of time without saying anything, become distant from him and feel nothing from hugs, touches etc. He always says I'm mad and I try to explain that mad and upset are two totally different things, but since he thinks I'm just mad he thinks he can get mad back and bring up unresolved arguments from the past to divert attention away from the current problem. He has lots of stuff that he gets stressed about and I know those things are really stressful. I get stressed out by the same things he does but since they are his problem he thinks I can't possibly be under the amount of stress as him. So when I have stressful problems/get upset over things I feel he makes me feel like I have it perfect compared to him, that he is the problem to everything, everything is always his fault etc. Like for instance, we've had arguements about sex and affection and it always ends in "I've got all this going on and you want to worry about sex, I guess I'm just such a bad guy and you hate me etc". Like how am I supposed to respond to that? Of course I tell him that he's not a bad guy and everything isn't his fault and I don't hate him, but that makes the problem go unresolved. He's explained that his ex used to want to fight all the time and he'd just shut up and say "you're right" so he does that to me and ugh I hate that saying lol. We rarely have big arguments, but when we do we have the habit of having them right before bed and I know that's suppose to be a big no. We just fall asleep upset/mad and never get anything resolved it seems. I'm more open to saying my problems with him over long texts because that way I feel like he can actually listen and try to understand. Then when I put all that time and thought into saying my feelings over a text and he comes home and stays silent while I'm silent it makes me feel like he still doesn't understand. Like you can say you will fix it etc over a text but then say nothing nice/comforting when your face to face? I might be different but when I'm sad I want to be treated with affection and kind words not with anger and frustration. To answer the previous posters. I don't have any family members that I'm close enough with that I would want to ask for help. I support my dad who lives next door so thats not a option. I never had a mom growing up, she passed away when I was young. I have no friends that could be supportive. How could I possible be alone with no friends and not get lonely really quick/suffer financially? I might be happier if I became independent but I don't know because I'm scared of going that route. So I'm just kinda "stuck" and I know he feels stuck too. He just puts up with stuff with my dad etc because he loves me. I know if we didn't love each other we would be both gone our seperate ways, but how do you know exactly when something is over and shouldn't be worked on anymore? How would I explain what I'm feeling to my boyfriend and actually make him listen and understand? Bt paying attention to these enormous red flags... Our communication hasn't always been good. a couple months ago we had a talk and I gave him the "I'll give you one more chance" speech but I don't think he took it very seriously. when I get depressed about things and he knows I'm upset with him I go a long period of time without saying anything, become distant from him and feel nothing from hugs, touches etc. He always says I'm mad and I try to explain that mad and upset are two totally different things, but since he thinks I'm just mad he thinks he can get mad back and bring up unresolved arguments from the past to divert attention away from the current problem. He has lots of stuff that he gets stressed about and I know those things are really stressful. I get stressed out by the same things he does but since they are his problem he thinks I can't possibly be under the amount of stress as him. So when I have stressful problems/get upset over things I feel he makes me feel like I have it perfect compared to him, that he is the problem to everything, everything is always his fault etc. Like for instance, we've had arguements about sex and affection and it always ends in "I've got all this going on and you want to worry about sex, I guess I'm just such a bad guy and you hate me etc". Like how am I supposed to respond to that? Of course I tell him that he's not a bad guy and everything isn't his fault and I don't hate him, but that makes the problem go unresolved. He's explained that his ex used to want to fight all the time and he'd just shut up and say "you're right" so he does that to me and ugh I hate that saying lol. We rarely have big arguments, but when we do we have the habit of having them right before bed and I know that's suppose to be a big no. We just fall asleep upset/mad and never get anything resolved it seems. I'm more open to saying my problems with him over long texts because that way I feel like he can actually listen and try to understand. Then when I put all that time and thought into saying my feelings over a text and he comes home and stays silent while I'm silent it makes me feel like he still doesn't understand. Like you can say you will fix it etc over a text but then say nothing nice/comforting when your face to face? I might be different but when I'm sad I want to be treated with affection and kind words not with anger and frustration. To answer the previous posters. I don't have any family members that I'm close enough with that I would want to ask for help. I support my dad who lives next door so thats not a option. I never had a mom growing up, she passed away when I was young. I have no friends that could be supportive. How could I possible be alone with no friends and not get lonely really quick/suffer financially? I might be happier if I became independent but I don't know because I'm scared of going that route. So I'm just kinda "stuck" and I know he feels stuck too. He just puts up with stuff with my dad etc because he loves me. I know if we didn't love each other we would be both gone our seperate ways, but [how do you know exactly when something is over and shouldn't be worked on anymore? How would I explain what I'm feeling to my boyfriend and actually make him listen and understand? He's passive-aggressive and he's projecting all the issues back onto your young and already-burdened shoulders, by making out it's all your fault. Jeeezus, you really DO have to put some distance between you and this guy. #he's manipulative and everything is going is way because that's how he wants it, and he knows he can coerce you into letting that happen. Has it occurred to you that the way he treated his wife is just as cruel, controlling and passive-aggressive as the way he is now treating you? If she is an ex, maybe she had a point. Honey, really: You are young and you really don't deserve to have this kind of crap loaded onto your shoulders. This guy - well, I'm sorry, he's just nasty. Move out and go stay with your dad, and be with someone who really feels for you. This guy is just living with you, because it's convenient. In my opinion, from what you're telling us, I actually seriously question whether he really loves you. Surely, if he honestly felt the way you feel about him, he would be more proactive? Look at your red flags. Look. Really, really look. Take off those spectacles, because they're making you see things through a fog of misplaced and undeserved affection.
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