UCFKevin Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Stick to your guns. That's all I can say. Without it, if you cave, you will lose some self respect and he will lose some for you. Oh, c'mon. 1) Why will she lose self respect? She's doing what feels right. I caved when my ex and I went sour but I didn't feel like I was an a**h*** or a loser for it, I was just doing what was in my heart, and I'd never consider doing what's in your heart to be a possibility of losing self respect. 2) If he loses respect for her, who cares? They're over anyway, why should it matter what he thinks at that point? For face value? The reason I hate NC is because it's essentially bottling things up. You're keeping things inside when you want to speak your mind. You're holding yourself back and for what? Self respect? Ooooh no! End of the world! Speak your mind. Nothing to lose. And if the response isn't what you wanted it to be, it shows who this guy really is and how he really feels and you won't feel the need to contact him again. Get it out of your system. There will be no what-if's at that point. No more wondering. Better knowing for sure than not at all.
Ty Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 You don't say you don't want to talk to him anymore. Just don't call, let him call you.. act busy in a few of the phone calls, don't answer some of them.. play a little hard to get and give yourself time to heal. If you tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore he probably won't call...
dgiirl Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin The reason I hate NC is because it's essentially bottling things up. You're keeping things inside when you want to speak your mind. You're holding yourself back and for what? Self respect? Ooooh no! End of the world! I guess I agree with you there. When the breakup occurs, you should really be open and honest with each other. I told my exh that I really do not want to get a divorce, and I'm really upset that he's making this big decision without my input. If he ever wants me back, dont make another decision for me and say I'm better off w/o him. Let me make the decision. He agreed. Now i'm implementing NC. I think the NC is a good rule for me because I tend to think of new things to say to him to try to change his mind. This is where losing self-respect happens. I have to remember that I only need to say it once, and that's all. Dont keep harping on the same issue. I wouldnt tell them you're doing NC. They'll soon realize you're doing it when you dont contact them
ErinErinErin Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Okay- Me again- after readin what everyone has to say about no contact and calling him when he wants me to, I was just wondering what is best... 1- he never said that we were over for good- but to call him in 2 weeks and see how he feels cause he is so mad... 2- should I call or text him? I would really like to just say something about if you miss me call me or otherwise he shouldn't bother with me again?
Kella Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Oh, c'mon. 1) Why will she lose self respect? She's doing what feels right. I caved when my ex and I went sour but I didn't feel like I was an a**h*** or a loser for it, I was just doing what was in my heart, and I'd never consider doing what's in your heart to be a possibility of losing self respect. 2) If he loses respect for her, who cares? They're over anyway, why should it matter what he thinks at that point? For face value? The reason I hate NC is because it's essentially bottling things up. You're keeping things inside when you want to speak your mind. You're holding yourself back and for what? Self respect? Ooooh no! End of the world! Speak your mind. Nothing to lose. And if the response isn't what you wanted it to be, it shows who this guy really is and how he really feels and you won't feel the need to contact him again. Get it out of your system. There will be no what-if's at that point. No more wondering. Better knowing for sure than not at all. UCFKevin - you said exactly what I needed to hear! I broke NO CONTACT today and just went on my true feelings but now I'm being crucified and tortured by him because his ego is puffed up and he's got all the power. (Picture him dancing to "I've Got the Power!" - that's him). I give myself a pat on the back - I tried to make peace and I still love him - but I expected him to be an a** and he was. He treating me like crap and telling me what a bad person I am - I didn't break no contact to be told this. I broke it because I freaked and missed him and still love him. Now I realize he's truly a jerk and it won't work. I'm feeling like a fool but at least I did what was in my heart and gave it one last chance. I needed to see one more time what a total loser he is and how I'm a much better person - at least I won't be pining away doing the no contact thing now - I got clarity and got my answer to whether or not we should get back together and the answer is "hell no". I've closed the door and I'm moving on. I didn't call him to get berrated and treated rudely. He's arrogant enough but now - sheez, he's going around shouting "I'm king of the world - she came running back!".
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Kella UCFKevin - you said exactly what I needed to hear! I broke NO CONTACT today and just went on my true feelings but now I'm being crucified and tortured by him because his ego is puffed up and he's got all the power. (Picture him dancing to "I've Got the Power!" - that's him). I give myself a pat on the back - I tried to make peace and I still love him - but I expected him to be an a** and he was. First off, I am sorry to hear this. That said, this is why everyone says breaking NC is a NO NO! He treating me like crap and telling me what a bad person I am - I didn't break no contact to be told this. I broke it because I freaked and missed him and still love him. Now I realize he's truly a jerk and it won't work. I'm feeling like a fool but at least I did what was in my heart and gave it one last chance. I needed to see one more time what a total loser he is and how I'm a much better person - at least I won't be pining away doing the no contact thing now - I got clarity and got my answer to whether or not we should get back together and the answer is "hell no". The unfortunate part of this is you have to start NC all over again. Back to ground zero. I've closed the door and I'm moving on. I didn't call him to get berrated and treated rudely. He's arrogant enough but now - sheez, he's going around shouting "I'm king of the world - she came running back!". There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about calling the ex. But then I remind myself how much she took me for granted and I quickly come correct. Kevin, I know you hate no contact, but I haven't seen an example of not using no contact that overall really worked. To everyone else thinking about breaking NC, here's a great example of why you should not!
Angeleyez2583 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Erin, let him miss you. Don't call him. He broke up with you. All those things guys say are just excuses. If he really loves you, he'll realize the mistake he made. He will be either at your house or calling you begging you to take him back.
Nubianangel Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Kevin, I know you hate no contact, but I haven't seen an example of not using no contact that overall really worked. Confused, I think Kella was giving an example of how breaking the NC rule HAS helped her. I think to each his or her own. I practiced NC with my ex for 3 months and it only worked in helping me getting reacquaintenced with myself which was a breath of fresh air but the distance did not lessen the feelings I had for him. Bottling my emotions up only made me pine for him more and wonder what he was up to. After 3 months, he called to wish me a happy birthday and we've been in contact ever since. I have to say that being a part of his life once again is a little more comforting because we share with one another. All I ever wanted after the breakup was to have some sort of connection, however small, because there was and is love there. It never really made sense to me to turn my back completely and I think for a lot of people, that's what NC implies.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Nubianangel Confused, I think Kella was giving an example of how breaking the NC rule HAS helped her. Mmmmm, I don't think so. I think she was being facetious. She said: He treating me like crap and telling me what a bad person I am - I didn't break no contact to be told this. I broke it because I freaked and missed him and still love him. Now I realize he's truly a jerk and it won't work. Essentially she broke NC because she missed him and in the process was crushed all over again. Had she not broken NC she wouldn't have had to deal with those feelings again and start from scratch. When you break NC, you give the ex all the power. Reading her entire post, it looks to me like she would have better off sticking to NC and not breaking it. I think to each his or her own. I practiced NC with my ex for 3 months and it only worked in helping me getting reacquaintenced with myself which was a breath of fresh air but the distance did not lessen the feelings I had for him. Bottling my emotions up only made me pine for him more and wonder what he was up to. After 3 months, he called to wish me a happy birthday and we've been in contact ever since. I have to say that being a part of his life once again is a little more comforting because we share with one another. All I ever wanted after the breakup was to have some sort of connection, however small, because there was and is love there. It never really made sense to me to turn my back completely and I think for a lot of people, that's what NC implies. The EX made the first contact, not you right? Based on what you just said, NC worked for you. While you were re-evluating yourself you got stronger as a person. In the meantime, your ex was re-evaluating themself as well. Nobody ever said NC was easy or that it would minimize any pain. In some cases, it makes it harder because you DO wonder. But, it helps put control of your life back into your hands. If you're not constantly in contact with the ex, you make THEM wonder what you're up to as well. And even if you never get back together as long as you stick to NC you will recover a lot faster than if you did not. I'd say in this case, no contact worked quite well.
Nubianangel Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Confused, I get what you're saying but we'll have to agree to disagree here because what I got from her post was that she felt brave enough to break NC and reach out to the ex only to find he was nothing more than an egotistical jerk. To quote the remaining part of her post which said: I'm feeling like a fool but at least I did what was in my heart and gave it one last chance. I needed to see one more time what a total loser he is and how I'm a much better person - at least I won't be pining away doing the no contact thing now - I got clarity and got my answer to whether or not we should get back together and the answer is "hell no". Anyhow, NC did help in my situation but it helped in matters of improving me and my self-worth. Maybe I'm wrong but I thought the most important aspect of NC was to heal the heart so that it becomes essentially easier to move on. I never moved on, if anything NC served in making him 'think' I did. Maybe that's the plus but that seems wrong to me, just as Kevin pointed out, why not be true and express your feelings (if you still feel them)?
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Nubianangel Confused, I get what you're saying but we'll have to agree to disagree here because what I got from her post was that she felt brave enough to break NC and reach out to the ex only to find he was nothing more than an egotistical jerk. To quote the remaining part of her post which said: I thought about that too. But breaking NC in the manner she did just boosted his self-esteem. If he was a jerk to her then and didn't reach out during NC, the odds he hadn't changed were pretty good. ITS JUST MY OPINION, but... I see breaking NC as a sign of weakness that we must learn to overcome or we'll be a slave to our Ex's forever. Anyhow, NC did help in my situation but it helped in matters of improving me and my self-worth. Maybe I'm wrong but I thought the most important aspect of NC was to heal the heart so that it becomes essentially easier to move on. Correct. It's not really meant to be a way to "get them back..." If they are meant to be, they'll come back to you. Just like the old adage says: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, they were never meant to be." This is the reason for NC. I never moved on, if anything NC served in making him 'think' I did. Maybe that's the plus but that seems wrong to me, just as Kevin pointed out, why not be true and express your feelings (if you still feel them)? Then it was meant to be. I still feel that if you have implemented NC and make the first move without signs the other person is receptive, that's a big no no. If the Ex really is receptive, understands they made a mistake and has changed, they'll let you know. It's a rare case that the person implementing NC breaks it and succeeds. That would take some pretty good intuition. In my case, I implemented NC to help me move on. I think the pain is much worse with NC, but like many types of medicine, sometimes what's good for you doesn't always taste good.
UCFKevin Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Seems to me that breaking the No Contact BS helped Kella begin to move on. It showed her what a guy her ex truly is like and in the situation she was the better person. Yeah, I can see the horrible harm that kind of thing can cause. ITS JUST MY OPINION, but... I see breaking NC as a sign of weakness that we must learn to overcome or we'll be a slave to our Ex's forever. WOW you are melodramatic. A slave forever! HAHA! Please. People get over things. Breaking no contact isn't the end of the world, for crying out loud. I didn't use no contact with my ex. Does my user name say Kunta Kintay? Nope. I got over it. Just the same as I would've with NC, but at least I got my feelings out and there were no gray areas whatsoever. Nothing bugs me more than staying up at night and wondering about that kind of crap. You don't agree with me, big deal, I'm just giving my opinion and it seemed to work for her, which makes me quite happy.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Seems to me that breaking the No Contact BS helped Kella begin to move on. It showed her what a guy her ex truly is like and in the situation she was the better person. Yeah, I can see the horrible harm that kind of thing can cause. Seems to me she knew that before. I don't know why she needed to break contact to confirm it. WOW you are melodramatic. A slave forever! HAHA! Please. People get over things. Breaking no contact isn't the end of the world, for crying out loud. I didn't use no contact with my ex. Does my user name say Kunta Kintay? Nope. I got over it. Just the same as I would've with NC, but at least I got my feelings out and there were no gray areas whatsoever. Nothing bugs me more than staying up at night and wondering about that kind of crap. You don't agree with me, big deal, I'm just giving my opinion and it seemed to work for her, which makes me quite happy. I know we don't see eye to eye on NC, but let me ask you this. If you were really over the ex, wouldn't you be dating someone else. How long has it been for you? And how do you know NC would not have worked for you if you didn't try it? That's like saying "I KNOW I would not like green tea ice cream..." if you never tried. You have to try it yourself before you can be certain.
UCFKevin Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Seems to me she knew that before. I don't know why she needed to break contact to confirm it. Because she needed the confirmation. Simple as that. Now she wont' question anything as it's all very crystal clear. If you were really over the ex, wouldn't you be dating someone else. How long has it been for you? For one thing, I am dating someone, but for another, does that matter? Why would I need to date someone to prove I'm over my ex? What, I have to have someone in my life for me to be happy? Ridiculous question. And how do you know NC would not have worked for you if you didn't try it? Because I've done it before and had no closure whatsoever. I got over it in time but I much rather would've spoken my mind than keep everything to myself to not become a "slave" and keep my self esteem.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Because she needed the confirmation. Simple as that. Now she wont' question anything as it's all very crystal clear. I think the confirmation was her Ex not making contact.... He obviously didn't care. For one thing, I am dating someone, but for another, does that matter? Why would I need to date someone to prove I'm over my ex? What, I have to have someone in my life for me to be happy? Ridiculous question. a) Thats great! b) It would show you can move on. c) Not ridiculous at all. You can not love someone new until you are over someone old
Author ashley83 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 I can see what both of ya'll are saying....I am currently NC but ended it as "don't call me unless you want to get back together or its an emergency...." very clear!...i hope he calls me ;(
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by ashley83 I can see what both of ya'll are saying....I am currently NC but ended it as "don't call me unless you want to get back together or its an emergency...." very clear!...i hope he calls me ;( FWIW, I wouldn't have said that. I would have said "Don't call me" and leave it at that. Once you say "unless it's to get back together" you just shifted the power back in their hands. No contact is designed to get control of your life back in your hands. Never let the ex have control.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by ashley83 I can see what both of ya'll are saying....I am currently NC but ended it as "don't call me unless you want to get back together or its an emergency...." very clear!...i hope he calls me ;( FWIW, I wouldn't have said that. I would have said "Don't call me" and leave it at that. Once you say "unless it's to get back together" you just shifted the power back in their hands. No contact is designed to get control of your life back in your hands. Never let the ex have control.
Author ashley83 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 well if he really loves me then hell call right?
Author ashley83 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 should i call him back and say....i didn't mean that, he can call me whenever???
ConfusedInOC Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by ashley83 well if he really loves me then hell call right? Repeat after me: If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours. If not, they were never meant to be. Let him go. Implement NC and stick to it. He's never going to change unless he realizes he could very well lose you forever. And be prepared. He may never change at all and may move on without you. NC allows you to accept this and move on. It's hard to do but for your own good, I highly recommend sticking to it. Also, follow Marin's advice and get rid of all the evidence of him. Phone numbers, emails, photos, momentos, etc. If you don't have them around, NC will be easier to maintain.
queenie01 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 I have a question for all of you, i am going thru a similar situation to Erin, my ex broke up with me (it will be 2 weeks on friday) He emailed me last tuesday to say he was sorry and if its meant to be he will realize it and we will get back together etc...I did nothing wrong, and he didnt give me any reasons aside from he was having feelings of doubt. He also text messaged me last tuesday nite to suggest keeping my stuff and in a couple weeks we get together and talk and see how we feel... so i agreed. Well since last tuesday i never heard from him, on friday i emailed him to say hi and it didnt get me anywhere aside from him telling me he needs more time to realize if he is happier. So i told him to take the time he needs and do what hes gotta do, he wrote back saying thanks thats very big of me and he appreciates it. That was that! Well then like a dummy on monday of this week i emailed him some pics that i had just got developed and got no reply, not even a thank you. And to top it off we work for the same company and run into each other from time to time...i saw him yesterday and he wouldnt even look at me...im so confused because i didnt do anything wrong here and he is the one who broke up with me??? Any advice??
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 I have a question for all of you, i am going thru a similar situation to Erin, my ex broke up with me (it will be 2 weeks on friday) He emailed me last tuesday to say he was sorry and if its meant to be he will realize it and we will get back together etc...I did nothing wrong, and he didnt give me any reasons aside from he was having feelings of doubt. He also text messaged me last tuesday nite to suggest keeping my stuff and in a couple weeks we get together and talk and see how we feel... so i agreed. Well since last tuesday i never heard from him, on friday i emailed him to say hi and it didnt get me anywhere aside from him telling me he needs more time to realize if he is happier. So i told him to take the time he needs and do what hes gotta do, he wrote back saying thanks thats very big of me and he appreciates it. That was that! Well then like a dummy on monday of this week i emailed him some pics that i had just got developed and got no reply, not even a thank you. And to top it off we work for the same company and run into each other from time to time...i saw him yesterday and he wouldnt even look at me...im so confused because i didnt do anything wrong here and he is the one who broke up with me??? Any advice?? His feelings changed for some reason. Stop emailing him and contacting him. Give it some time. If he doesn't come around in the time you think he should, ask for your stuff back and move on.
queenie01 Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Thanks for the response... so you think i should wait a while before asking for my stuff back? Initially when he emailed me last tuesday he told me he would drop my stuff or whatever..then he texted me that nite saying he had an idea...how about i keep your stuff and we get together and talk and see how we feel in a couple weeks...so i agreed and he said he thought that was the best approach...
ConfusedInOC Posted May 11, 2005 Posted May 11, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 Thanks for the response... so you think i should wait a while before asking for my stuff back? Initially when he emailed me last tuesday he told me he would drop my stuff or whatever..then he texted me that nite saying he had an idea...how about i keep your stuff and we get together and talk and see how we feel in a couple weeks...so i agreed and he said he thought that was the best approach... He might just be confused and not know what he wants. Either way, if you need your stuff, just ask for it back. If he waivers again, don't let him. Demand he bring it back. He's playing games. Unless you enjoy having people toy with your emotions, I'd say get your stuff and get out now while you still can. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle dating.
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