Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 This "I need a break" thing is usually indicative of "I think we should break up". It's everywhere on this forum. 'There is no such thing as a "break" it heralds the end'... His commitment issues would explain his 'you really should live on your own first' comment. But here's the thing: He has Commitment 'issues'. You have Communication 'issues'. I'm fed up with the term "issues". It's a politically-correct way of not saying 'problems' because the word 'problems' denotes something negative that is causing difficulty, and needs a remedy. Well damn right you guys have problems. Let's please call them what they are. He has a huge problem with commitment. And that really is a negative attribute that needs remedying. You also have a problem with communication - even though to be candid, the way you are communicating this episode to us is lucid, level-headed, logical, frank and methodical. I don't see you as having a problem with Communication. I think, as a young lady, you naturally want to find someone who will love you as much as you are prepared to invest love for them. And as I pointed out earlier, your brain ain't done stewing, yet! No wonder you have problems with communication. It's a learning process. I figure, if I may be so bold, that frankly it has emerged that HE is the one with the bigger problem. So I'm going to make a suggestion which may prove unpopular with some, but I think will give you a tighter grip on what goes on. I think you have absolutely every right to contact him, and in an almost business-like manner, suggest that (as he is the one who suggested the 'break') he should give you a date within, say, 2 months, during which time you will both practice No Contact - none - at - all - you will NOT date or see other people, and you will both address your own individual Problems to find remedy and solution, even if it means considering Counselling. Together or apart. What you guys have could be very special, and of great value. Togetherness is a special achievement, but it takes work. I mean, 'all the time' work. A relationship is not a static, inanimate object, it's a process, an evolutionary progress. So after these 2 months are up, you agree to meet here (place) at (time) and evaluate where you're both "at". If he agrees, then both of you should agree to focus on the problems keeping you apart, and work to solve them, in order to bring you back together on the same page. If he baulks, or resists, then - sorry - consider this done, and over. No Contact will be the best thing to then implement. Move on, and advise him that being friends is something you would dearly love - but not yet. Not until YOU are ready for it. I wish I would have known how to handle these types of situations before I talked to him, however I didn't know this would be the outcome. However, I do think this is sound advice and kind of provides more middle ground, rather than leaving it ambiguous. At the same though, I don't want to come off as pushy and disrespectful of his request for space either. When we talked yesterday he did tell me that if we are gonna be together, that he wants to be in it 100% because I deserve that and that he needs time by himself to figure all of that out. The worst part, for me at least, is the not knowing. You are definitely right, a relationship is not static, and I do believe setting the guidelines you suggested will at least have us focused towards an ultimate goal-being together and working towards coming back stronger, rather than just being in limbo. I myself will need some time to think and outline a fair middle ground as you have suggested, and then perhaps sometime this week I will make that proposal. After yesterday, I know we love each other still and weren't to happy to implement this break and if this is something he truly does want to fix, he will listen. I would hate for things to just slowly fizzle away just because we had no structure going into it. We really could have something great, and after yesterday I think we both showed more raw emotion than ever before and that has to mean something. I would hate for that to all be in vein.
Lois_Griffin Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Of course I want to just tell him everything already...but I just don't know if he's ready. The last thing I would want to do it make things worse by disrespecting his space. It's almost been 24 hrs since I sent him my last message, and it's been so tough. I've had this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach While I agree with TaraMaiden that your being only 22 means that you still haven't yet become a full adult due to brain development, I don't think you were wrong for broaching the subject with your boyfriend. I just think he wants to stay where the livin' is easy - at his mommy and daddy's. They probably don't charge him rent (or charge him very little) and his mother probably still chews his food for him and makes his bed for him. I think it's just more convenient for him to stay right where he is. I also think he's a complete d*ck for acting like a little drama queen after you reached out and apologized for what happened and he ignored you for a long time. Then when you DID talk to him, he whined about needing a break. He's obviously still a mama's boy and needs time to regroup in her basement, I guess. I'd gladly give his whiney little ass the break he so greatly desires.
kendahke Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Yea I'm considering deleting those people who brag about their "perfect" relationships on SM or just flat out deleting it all together. I think this is more indicative of younger people because the older one gets, the more it's likely that they have gotten out and lived some life and they don't think that the actions of others are daggers aimed at them to make/keep them miserable with their own lives. Social media hasn't got anything to do with anything. Social media is where all of our representatives put up our social portfolios for others to peruse. When we were younger, my sister used to be like this about other people's relationships--and this was before social media. One day, I had to tell her "you don't know what either of them have to go through with each other to put on those airs. You're not seeing how they really treat one another when they're behind closed doors. Stop begrudging others their relationships and making it all about you. Be a happier version of you who is at peace in her life, home and heart. You'll come out way ahead." 2
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) While I agree with TaraMaiden that your being only 22 means that you still haven't yet become a full adult due to brain development, I don't think you were wrong for broaching the subject with your boyfriend. I just think he wants to stay where the livin' is easy - at his mommy and daddy's. They probably don't charge him rent (or charge him very little) and his mother probably still chews his food for him and makes his bed for him. I think it's just more convenient for him to stay right where he is. I also think he's a complete d*ck for acting like a little drama queen after you reached out and apologized for what happened and he ignored you for a long time. Then when you DID talk to him, he whined about needing a break. He's obviously still a mama's boy and needs time to regroup in her basement, I guess. I'd gladly give his whiney little ass the break he so greatly desires. Damn how harsh! When he moved back in with his parents he wasn't particulary thrilled to do it. He started school up again and honestly could not afford to continue living on his own. Our town has been number one on the list of fastest growing cities in America for a couple of years and the price of living is so high now. So many people here, especially college students and even some working adults, are moving back home. Honestly, as much as I would love to move out, idk if I can swing it going to school full time and not working full time at the same time. It's so expensive, that realistically, I may have to just finish school and wait till I have my good paying career. It's either that or I pull out tons of student loans and have all the debt or try and juggle a full time job with ENGINEERING school and put my grades in jeopardy. It's tough being a college kid nowadays! And I never thought any less of him for moving back home. Even if we did move in together, we'd at best barely get by, and that is never a great position for any relationship. Very stressful. Second, I do agree it sucked not hearing from him for that whole day, and yes that could have been handled better, but when your emotions are all over the place, as I personally know, things aren't handled in the most logical sense. Yea we aren't perfect, on both ends, there are things we both can do better, but at least we owned it, and that's already more than many couples out there do. Edited June 24, 2015 by Confused602
brandonstellar Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 He's right. Maybe at the 2 year mark live together. Studies have shown that if you live together before marriage it can actually do more harm than good to the relationship. Might wanna either research that or just think it over.
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 He's right. Maybe at the 2 year mark live together. Studies have shown that if you live together before marriage it can actually do more harm than good to the relationship. Might wanna either research that or just think it over. Yea I did realize from all this that it was something that shouldn't be taken lightly and that its okay to take time for that. If we manage to make our way back to one another during this break, I'll definitely think those things over more maturely rather than letting SM or other stupid things push me into thinking it's something that should happen.
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I'd strongly encourage you to stay on the path you set yesterday hon. (The meeting and clearing the air with dignity thing.) That worked well, right? If you change things up now you'll look and feel wishy-washy. You know the corny saying about if you love something set it free and it coming back to you and all that? There's some truth there - you can't force your guy to come back in your direction, and I don't think you'd want to anyway. If he's actually in love with you, he'll come back. You'll naturally gravitate toward each other, which it seems like you're already doing. So, giving him space and vice versa means just that. You're a big girl, you can handle this. 2
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) I'd strongly encourage you to stay on the path you set yesterday hon. (The meeting and clearing the air with dignity thing.) That worked well, right? If you change things up now you'll look and feel wishy-washy. You know the corny saying about if you love something set it free and it coming back to you and all that? There's some truth there - you can't force your guy to come back in your direction, and I don't think you'd want to anyway. If he's actually in love with you, he'll come back. You'll naturally gravitate toward each other, which it seems like you're already doing. So, giving him space and vice versa means just that. You're a big girl, you can handle this. Yea I'm just a cocktail of emotions right now. One minute I think one thing then the next I'll think something else is the correct approach. I think you may be right though. I mean, I can see structure being helpful but I honestly feel that it may make me seem pushy, and that's the last thing both of us need. If anything, I am leaning towards the approach you suggested. Just giving space to allow both of us to focus on ourselves and be by ourselves. After everything we said yesterday, I just want to allow time to do its thing. I honestly feel like we grew closer by opening up about what our problems are and expressing our love, so in that sense, we have in a way become closer. And thanks for the words of encouragement, this allowing space stuff is quite hard at times, but I am strong. I can handle this. Edited June 24, 2015 by Confused602 1
Happines Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I moved in to live with my boyf after 6 months of relationship be wise he asked and we are older then u We had some lovely times but trust me we had some hard times and it was hard work for me because I needed to accept so many things U only move in when both of u are ready and if relationship is going wonderfully U do t move in hoping this ill go things because it won't 4 months it's too early u don't know the guy yet so wait and get to know him better because there might b some things u won't b happy seeing every single day...even better wait till u guys engage then move in because this is what I will do in my next relationship
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 u do need to txt-spk here as its a forum not a fone so u cn use normal writing b cos then evry1 will understand u bettr. thnx. L8-r!
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I moved in to live with my boyf after 6 months of relationship be wise he asked and we are older then u We had some lovely times but trust me we had some hard times and it was hard work for me because I needed to accept so many things U only move in when both of u are ready and if relationship is going wonderfully U do t move in hoping this ill go things because it won't 4 months it's too early u don't know the guy yet so wait and get to know him better because there might b some things u won't b happy seeing every single day...even better wait till u guys engage then move in because this is what I will do in my next relationship We were together a year and four months...but yea I agree. Like I have said, this whole thing has made me realize that step is not to be taken lightly. Our relationship was going very well, but I let jealousy of other girls get the best of me and I lost sight of my logical thinking.
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