ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Of course I want to just tell him everything already...but I just don't know if he's ready. The last thing I would want to do it make things worse by disrespecting his space. It's almost been 24 hrs since I sent him my last message, and it's been so tough. I've had this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach Haven't you already apologized, though? And acknowledged that you realize you could've handled it better and that you love him? Perhaps I read wrong, but I though you'd already reached out in this way.
Author Confused602 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 Haven't you already apologized, though? And acknowledged that you realize you could've handled it better and that you love him? Perhaps I read wrong, but I though you'd already reached out in this way. Yea I did in the message I sent. But there more that I want to tell him in person. Idk I guess space will do for now...whether I like it or not.
jen1447 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Of course I want to just tell him everything already...but I just don't know if he's ready. The last thing I would want to do it make things worse by disrespecting his space. It's almost been 24 hrs since I sent him my last message, and it's been so tough. I've had this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach I'd hang tight and take the pain for a while. Apologizing is good, but falling all over yourself with remorse and desperation is bad bc it looks weak. Weakness leads to loss of respect. Loss of respect leads to loss of regard. Etc. If you come back around in a few days with your chin held up, or if he does sooner and your chin's still held up, it'll be better. Be dignified, own your mistakes, and keep moving forward. 2
Author Confused602 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I'd hang tight and take the pain for a while. Apologizing is good, but falling all over yourself with remorse and desperation is bad bc it looks weak. Weakness leads to loss of respect. Loss of respect leads to loss of regard. Etc. If you come back around in a few days with your chin held up, or if he does sooner and your chin's still held up, it'll be better. Be dignified, own your mistakes, and keep moving forward. I think you are right. As much as there are things I want to say, I will have my chance to do so when the time is right. Right now I don't want to be selfish and respect his space. The last thing I would want is for him to start seeing me in a negative light.
Versacehottie Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Thank you everyone for the replies and advice. It is a good wake up call for me to hear from so many of you that I have been acting foolish and childish, and that my relationship was great as it was. Thank you for finally helping me come to terms with the fact that all those negative thoughts due to SM were ridiculous. For a long time I would go back forth between "oh I am being stupid," to "omg is the fact that we aren't doing xyz yet an issue?" I have been giving him space. I have not messaged him since the last message I told you about. If anything, I hope me respecting his space shows him that I really do want to learn from this and grow. I realize my communication skills need work, and I know it won't happen overnight. But I do want to put the effort and be better. I truly believe we can grow and move past this. I can only hope that we will be given the chance to do so Listen, I think at least you are seemingly motivated from a good place: that you love this guy and see him in your future. You should focus on that part of it. Don't rush the future, especially at 22. In general, as you described your relationship, it sounds pretty great. Enjoy him, he sounds like a great guy and he's right about wanting you to have a chance to live on your own first. That's really important before you take next big steps. If you think about the health of your relationship with him long-term, you won't want to rush the next part. Better chance of survival of the relationship. Btw, who cares what the other girls are doing? You have the best bf for you. That's all that really matters. And you're right social media is a b*tch but you know the truth about the strength of your relationship and half the stuff on social media is half-truths anyway. For show. Check back with us about the status of how the other girls' relationships fared in a year or two. good luck
Author Confused602 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 UPDATE: He texted me tonight saying he wants to talk about some things soon. I have not yet replied because I am trying to regain my composure before I respond. I am so nervous/scared/everything under then sun!!
Author Confused602 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Well we have decided to meet up tomorrow after I get off work. The conversation we had was to the point, just made plans to see each other and talk about some things. I did my best to keep my emotions in line and not push for answers right then and there. Hoping for the best now and trying to stay positive.
SleeplessIn Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It sounds to me like you had not really thought much about what exact direction your future would take, that you more or less naturally assumed that the two of you would probably move in together at some point and you had not considered living on your own. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him this and also tell him you have been thinking about it since he brought it up, and that you can see the benefits of living on your own. Living on your own (even with a roommate if you need one for cost reasons) does give you the opportunity to learn for yourself how to budget both time and finances, and "run a household" so to speak -- even if you are renting, you still will learn quite a bit about fix-it issues and other things that come up. You can create your own surroundings and find the pleasure in being your own woman. Lots of positives there to then bring to a future together if your relationship continues to grow.
Author Confused602 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 It sounds to me like you had not really thought much about what exact direction your future would take, that you more or less naturally assumed that the two of you would probably move in together at some point and you had not considered living on your own. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him this and also tell him you have been thinking about it since he brought it up, and that you can see the benefits of living on your own. Living on your own (even with a roommate if you need one for cost reasons) does give you the opportunity to learn for yourself how to budget both time and finances, and "run a household" so to speak -- even if you are renting, you still will learn quite a bit about fix-it issues and other things that come up. You can create your own surroundings and find the pleasure in being your own woman. Lots of positives there to then bring to a future together if your relationship continues to grow. Thank you for your input. You are right, I was expecting us to just move in right away and did not even consider his suggestion as a possibility. I got so wrapped up with my sugar coated fantasy of us having a place together that it made anything else seem non ideal, which is why I didn't take it so well for so long. This along with what the others have been saying has really helped me come to peace with the whole living situation after thinking the worst about it for so long. It makes me excited to start that new chapter in my life and see what it is all about. As for my relationship, I agree 100% with what you are saying. I am realizing that moving out on my own can strengthen us and have learned to not take what I have for granted. I do fully intend to let him know that I have been acting foolish and hope that we can become even stronger after this hiccup.
Redhead14 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 UPDATE: He texted me tonight saying he wants to talk about some things soon. I have not yet replied because I am trying to regain my composure before I respond. I am so nervous/scared/everything under then sun!! I agree you should be composed, but don't wait too long to respond. Just simply acknowledge the request and tell him you'd welcome the opportunity to talk about it all. Don't get into any specifics, just acknowledge.
Author Confused602 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 I agree you should be composed, but don't wait too long to respond. Just simply acknowledge the request and tell him you'd welcome the opportunity to talk about it all. Don't get into any specifics, just acknowledge. I texted him last night when I got home and we agreed to meet up this afternoon and talk about some things. The ambiguity of "talking about some things" has me nervous, but I am trying to not think the worst of it or read too much into it. And yes, I kept it short and sweet, even though I have so many thoughts and questions.
Author Confused602 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 UPDATE So we finally met up and talked today, face to face. He told me that right now he would like a break because some commitment issues he had have resurfaced. He said that stems from his last serious relationship (the one where he said they moved in too early), which was very toxic. I apologized for how I acted a couple of days ago, and told him that my communication issues stem from a toxic relationship I had a few years back as well, so I understood where he was coming from. He said he didn't feel like it was fair to me that he couldn't be all in 100% due to these commitment issues that have resurfaced and that even though he needs space, that he would like to still talk to me. I told him I was scared to do that because I don't want to get hurt. I told him that while reflecting, I have realized that yea I have been through some hell in the past and been hurt, but that we both need to realize that we are not with our exes anymore and that those relationships are not a reality now. That we are with new people and in a different relationship, and that whatever pain we have gone through in the past is not worth loosing what we have together. He said he agreed and that there are so many positives about our relationship and that he didn't want it to be this way, but that he wants to be able to commit 100%, and nothing less. And for him, he said he needs some time to overcome those issues. I told him I respected that. Now bear in mind, we have yet to say I love you to each other yet. So I told him "before I go, now that I am being 100% honest and open, I just want to tell you that I love you." When I said that, I start d crying, and he just pulled me into his arms and told me he loved me too, and started crying as well. It was hard to leave each other that, but I told him to stay in touch, and he said he would. So that's what happened...where do I go from here?
Versacehottie Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 UPDATE So we finally met up and talked today, face to face. He told me that right now he would like a break because some commitment issues he had have resurfaced. He said that stems from his last serious relationship (the one where he said they moved in too early), which was very toxic. I apologized for how I acted a couple of days ago, and told him that my communication issues stem from a toxic relationship I had a few years back as well, so I understood where he was coming from. He said he didn't feel like it was fair to me that he couldn't be all in 100% due to these commitment issues that have resurfaced and that even though he needs space, that he would like to still talk to me. I told him I was scared to do that because I don't want to get hurt. I told him that while reflecting, I have realized that yea I have been through some hell in the past and been hurt, but that we both need to realize that we are not with our exes anymore and that those relationships are not a reality now. That we are with new people and in a different relationship, and that whatever pain we have gone through in the past is not worth loosing what we have together. He said he agreed and that there are so many positives about our relationship and that he didn't want it to be this way, but that he wants to be able to commit 100%, and nothing less. And for him, he said he needs some time to overcome those issues. I told him I respected that. Now bear in mind, we have yet to say I love you to each other yet. So I told him "before I go, now that I am being 100% honest and open, I just want to tell you that I love you." When I said that, I start d crying, and he just pulled me into his arms and told me he loved me too, and started crying as well. It was hard to leave each other that, but I told him to stay in touch, and he said he would. So that's what happened...where do I go from here? So sorry. I do think he likes to make you happy and when you got upset about not being able to move in together, he started considering everything. He realizes how far into the future you are looking and thinks that even if you lay off the pressure for a while at some point in near future it will be back on. I forgot if you said how old he is but if he's like a lot of guys and not over 30, this will be too much even for the best of them. I just don't think they are wired the same as us (generalization). You want to keep up with friends that are moving in together because that's inspiring to you and where your thinking is. But for a guy who may still be trying to experience freedom and solidify his career and as much as he loves you not be sure enough to commit FOREVER to just one, he panics. I wouldn't let him have the benefit of your friendship while he sorts these issues out in his head. Just tell him it's too hurtful now but maybe in the future you can be in touch. That leaves the door open for him if he gets over his commitment issues. Can't predict what the future will be for you two. You can look at it this way. You expressed what you wanted at the time (moving in). He objected and had some legitimate arguments and concerns which had you rethinking to his point of view BUT it was the catalyst for him to consider the relationship in total. It's unfortunate and you can't change what's out in the open now. Look at it this way, if he is 100% in touch with himself and his decision is based on real things, well he needs this time away. And it will either be a moment of panic and he will come back or he will decide the timing is not right. OR if he's just being stubborn and does have commitment issues that aren't going anywhere, well consider yourself lucky you found out now at 22, right when you are going to embark on new things for yourself. Try to focus on your new place and again I'm sorry. I know it's not easy.
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 So sorry. I do think he likes to make you happy and when you got upset about not being able to move in together, he started considering everything. He realizes how far into the future you are looking and thinks that even if you lay off the pressure for a while at some point in near future it will be back on. I forgot if you said how old he is but if he's like a lot of guys and not over 30, this will be too much even for the best of them. I just don't think they are wired the same as us (generalization). You want to keep up with friends that are moving in together because that's inspiring to you and where your thinking is. But for a guy who may still be trying to experience freedom and solidify his career and as much as he loves you not be sure enough to commit FOREVER to just one, he panics. I wouldn't let him have the benefit of your friendship while he sorts these issues out in his head. Just tell him it's too hurtful now but maybe in the future you can be in touch. That leaves the door open for him if he gets over his commitment issues. Can't predict what the future will be for you two. You can look at it this way. You expressed what you wanted at the time (moving in). He objected and had some legitimate arguments and concerns which had you rethinking to his point of view BUT it was the catalyst for him to consider the relationship in total. It's unfortunate and you can't change what's out in the open now. Look at it this way, if he is 100% in touch with himself and his decision is based on real things, well he needs this time away. And it will either be a moment of panic and he will come back or he will decide the timing is not right. OR if he's just being stubborn and does have commitment issues that aren't going anywhere, well consider yourself lucky you found out now at 22, right when you are going to embark on new things for yourself. Try to focus on your new place and again I'm sorry. I know it's not easy. Yea this whole thing is so tricky I do not know what will happen, only time will tell. But right now, I want to have some faith in us for once. We love each other, that must count for something. I want to have faith that he will address this issue he has, just like I am having faith in myself to address the issue I have. 1
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Honestly this is one of the few cases of "I need space" that I find credible, so take heart hon. And have a cuddle. You handled this well btw. 2
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Honestly this is one of the few cases of "I need space" that I find credible, so take heart hon. And have a cuddle. You handled this well btw. Thank you so much for your kind words. Oddly enough, I feel like we are closer now after having this heart to heart. It felt so good to finally exchange I love yous. It felt scary, yet liberating to finally put myself out on the line 100%. I already feel like I'm going to overcome this communication issue I have. 1
lana-banana Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 It sounds to me like he's trying to ease you into a break-up. He may love you, but that doesn't mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You're both so young and have so much of your lives ahead of you; it is natural to think about starting fresh. Please try to concentrate on yourself right now. Don't think much about him if you can help it. If he wants to be with you, he will. But brace yourself for the very real possibility that he may want to go his own way.
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 It sounds to me like he's trying to ease you into a break-up. He may love you, but that doesn't mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You're both so young and have so much of your lives ahead of you; it is natural to think about starting fresh. Please try to concentrate on yourself right now. Don't think much about him if you can help it. If he wants to be with you, he will. But brace yourself for the very real possibility that he may want to go his own way. That's the way I see it...if he wants to be with me he will. Only time will tell.
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Thank you everyone for all your advice and support through this difficult time for me. I do not know what the future holds for my boyfriend and I, but I will use this time to focus on myself and live my life in the meantime. I would like to have faith in us. Although there is that part of me that is bracing for the worst. What happened today has hurt me, and I will certainly have my weak moments, but I will try and remain strong and move forward. If he does come back, I will make sure that he is certain about me, and only then, can we work on being together again. I will give him his time and space, but I won't just let him back in easily at first. I need to build that trust again, if we cross that bridge. If anything happens, I will post an update. Again, thank you so much you guys. I wish you guys the best.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I think he sees that you are more invested than him, and your reaction to his reluctance to move in together brought his doubts to the surface. I don't mean to say that this break is due to you, though. I suspect he's been a bit unsure about commitment for a little while, and this recent discussion only highlighted his concerns. All may not be lost, but at least now you know that you're not on the same page at the moment. Give him space and time. Had you had any issues before this?
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 I think he sees that you are more invested than him, and your reaction to his reluctance to move in together brought his doubts to the surface. I don't mean to say that this break is due to you, though. I suspect he's been a bit unsure about commitment for a little while, and this recent discussion only highlighted his concerns. All may not be lost, but at least now you know that you're not on the same page at the moment. Give him space and time. Had you had any issues before this? You hit the nail on the head. He said he didn't feel it was fair to me because he couldn't invest 100% into the relationship. He said it's been lingering for awhile and when I said "I don't want is to take each other for granted," he realized he needed to address and reveal his commitment issues. As far as issues, we never fought. But recently, I felt like he was really into it, then At other times not so much. That's only been the case for the past few weeks though. That along with the not saying I love you bothered me as well, but I always tried to appreciate his actions towards me because they were out of love, in my opinion. I asked if he felt commitment issues the entire time and he said no, that these issues (which he thought he overcame already) had recently resurfaced. Overall thoigh, our relationship was very positive and we both agreed on that today. I do intend to give him all the space he needs. It'll be hard, I already miss him like crazy, but I will be strong. I can focus on me for awhile. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 You hit the nail on the head. He said he didn't feel it was fair to me because he couldn't invest 100% into the relationship. He said it's been lingering for awhile and when I said "I don't want is to take each other for granted," he realized he needed to address and reveal his commitment issues. As far as issues, we never fought. But recently, I felt like he was really into it, then At other times not so much. That's only been the case for the past few weeks though. That along with the not saying I love you bothered me as well, but I always tried to appreciate his actions towards me because they were out of love, in my opinion. I asked if he felt commitment issues the entire time and he said no, that these issues (which he thought he overcame already) had recently resurfaced. Overall thoigh, our relationship was very positive and we both agreed on that today. I do intend to give him all the space he needs. It'll be hard, I already miss him like crazy, but I will be strong. I can focus on me for awhile. Yes, focus on you. It appears his issues are not connected to you personally...but nonetheless it affects you. You would be wise to reflect on whether you want to stay with a man who has such trouble with commitment. He probably has plenty of positive qualities, but in the end they don't mean much if he feels he can't commit. 1
Author Confused602 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Posted June 24, 2015 Yes, focus on you. It appears his issues are not connected to you personally...but nonetheless it affects you. You would be wise to reflect on whether you want to stay with a man who has such trouble with commitment. He probably has plenty of positive qualities, but in the end they don't mean much if he feels he can't commit. All this is very overwhelming for me. I have never been in a situation like this. But I do know this, I deserve a man who will invest 100%. Time will reveal to me whether or not he can be that man.
Versacehottie Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 All this is very overwhelming for me. I have never been in a situation like this. But I do know this, I deserve a man who will invest 100%. Time will reveal to me whether or not he can be that man. You sound like you have good instincts. If you hold to your standards and put yourself first and be your own best advocate, those are the people with the best relationships, especially women.
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) This "I need a break" thing is usually indicative of "I think we should break up". It's everywhere on this forum. 'There is no such thing as a "break" it heralds the end'... His commitment issues would explain his 'you really should live on your own first' comment. But here's the thing: He has Commitment 'issues'. You have Communication 'issues'. I'm fed up with the term "issues". It's a politically-correct way of not saying 'problems' because the word 'problems' denotes something negative that is causing difficulty, and needs a remedy. Well damn right you guys have problems. Let's please call them what they are. He has a huge problem with commitment. And that really is a negative attribute that needs remedying. You also have a problem with communication - even though to be candid, the way you are communicating this episode to us is lucid, level-headed, logical, frank and methodical. I don't see you as having a problem with Communication. I think, as a young lady, you naturally want to find someone who will love you as much as you are prepared to invest love for them. And as I pointed out earlier, your brain ain't done stewing, yet! No wonder you have problems with communication. It's a learning process. I figure, if I may be so bold, that frankly it has emerged that HE is the one with the bigger problem. So I'm going to make a suggestion which may prove unpopular with some, but I think will give you a tighter grip on what goes on. I think you have absolutely every right to contact him, and in an almost business-like manner, suggest that (as he is the one who suggested the 'break') he should give you a date within, say, 2 months, during which time you will both practice No Contact - none - at - all - you will NOT date or see other people, and you will both address your own individual Problems to find remedy and solution, even if it means considering Counselling. Together or apart. What you guys have could be very special, and of great value. Togetherness is a special achievement, but it takes work. I mean, 'all the time' work. A relationship is not a static, inanimate object, it's a process, an evolutionary progress. So after these 2 months are up, you agree to meet here (place) at (time) and evaluate where you're both "at". If he agrees, then both of you should agree to focus on the problems keeping you apart, and work to solve them, in order to bring you back together on the same page. If he baulks, or resists, then - sorry - consider this done, and over. No Contact will be the best thing to then implement. Move on, and advise him that being friends is something you would dearly love - but not yet. Not until YOU are ready for it. Edited June 24, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 1
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