Just asking............. (updated)

[i am gutted]

There is such a thing as something being morally wrong as well.

 

I'm not clear how you accept that the affair was wrong , and say you own your role , don't accept responsibility for hurting the wife.

 

How do you own your role if you don't think you play a part in hurting the wife? Or are you saying you played a part , but don't feel in any way responsible? Is owning your part just in relation to the pain and hurt YOU'VE suffered?

 

 

There's no doubt a MM is more responsible . He made the vows, it's his marriage , but the OW is an accomplice. There would be no affair without an OW.

 

You know Rose , you've done a total 180 from your views on everything people were telling you before and thought you were being attacked. Now , it's pretty much as everyone said.

Maybe in time, your view will differ.

 

I'll be honest, I had a view somewhat similar to yours a while. There was a BW saying her H would not have had an affair, if it wasn't for this particular OW who literally threw herself at her H. I just didn't accept the OW getting ALL the blame. And even if this OW did chase one's husband , I believe there will always be women out there like that , so my question was 'what will your H do next time?'

 

My view was, even if a woman got butt naked and jumped on my H , I expect him to get her off and walk away , like I would if a guy was coming on to me. I realised that other people do has a moral responsibility. We need to recognise that it's not okay and the reason it's not okay , is because you're hurting someone else .

 

When you realise the effect the blow up of an affair has on the wife and children if the family split, then any compassionate person would feel responsible. Sometimes denial helps absolve oneself of feeling bad about something .

 

I volunteer with families affected by infidelity and I've seen the fallout :

 

Kids grades dropping

Self harming

Depression

Substance misuse and so much more

 

With the BW :

 

weight loss

Depression /anxiety

Hair loss

Illness

Loss of job , because they just can't function any more

 

Who would really volunteer to be a part of this?

 

 

yes, kids had those issues, one left school - daughter cutting herself..not a nice thing to go thru.

have had counselling and medication for her as well.

 

 

I have had the weight loss, not eating, not sleeping all that.......trying to function for my kids......harder than ever but getting there.

[i am gutted]

No, I don't see it that way. At all. I am not participating in her hurt. I am not holding her down. I am the salesclerk at the store where the husband purchased his hammer. If it wasn't my store, it would be another. His hurt of her is not contingent on my involvement.

 

I don't know if I am saying what I want to say right or not.........please don't take me the wrong way.

 

 

the way I see it is that the OW is not directly causing the hurt but played a large part in the hurt to the BW due to being in the affair with a married man and knowing it/

this is not directed at you - this is directed to my situation.

 

 

do you get what I mean??

[sandylee1]

sadly, this is what I worry or obsess about..........I did the best I could. Its the thought of him painting me out to be crap....

I know that it is no good thinking like that but its just something that has bothered me from time to time. The OW only hears about the WH views......they will never know the BS side.

 

You really shouldn't care about the views of a woman who sleeps with your husband. Her views should mean NOTHING to you and more fool her if she falls for his stories.

 

I know it's hard but she doesn't deserve your headspace, having proven that cheating is acceptable behaviour to her you know her morals aren't up there.

[sandylee1]

The bolded is true, as well.

 

If a married person values their spouse, they do nothing to deliberately endanger their spouses overall physical, mental, emotional, social and financial well-being.

 

If a married person values someone they are not married to, they do not enter into an affair with that person in order to not expose them to the possible physical, mental, emotional, social, and legal consequences of an affair.

 

This is true if a MM/MW respected their marriage enough, affairs would not happen in the first place. In the case of a ONS that one instantly regrets, I see it differently , but deciding to cheat over and over again is another kettle of fish.

 

Whatever problems exist in the marriage should be discussed, without resorting to finding an AP.

 

If APS and WS envisaged the real hard consequences of an affair, it would bring them back down to earth.

[truncated]

You really shouldn't care about the views of a woman who sleeps with your husband. Her views should mean NOTHING to you and more fool her if she falls for his stories.

 

I know it's hard but she doesn't deserve your headspace, having proven that cheating is acceptable behaviour to her you know her morals aren't up there.

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

In my experience, people don't do things unless they find them acceptable. They may not find such behavior acceptable before the affair or afterwards, but at that particular point in time, they did.

 

It wasn't forced upon them, it didn't "just happen", and it wasn't something they didn't choose. Unless they didn't know the person was married, they made the choice to get involved with someone who is already married to someone else, and the idea that if it wasn't them it would have been they next person that caught mp's fancy is irrelevant, as it wasn't the next person who chose to get involved. It was them.

 

If I find a wallet laying on the ground with $100.00 in it, and I take it and put it in my own pocket, it doesn't matter that the net person who came along and found it might have kept it too. The fact is that I made the unethical choice.

[cocorico]

why would a woman agree or feel its ok to message, text, meet, have sex with a man that they know is married and who has kids, knowing that if the cheating husband was caught, would tear apart a family and devastate the kids along with the wife?

 

 

Do they just not care??

 

 

Do they believe everything the cheater tells them?

 

 

not knowing the truth about the cheater and how good he has had it?

 

 

I know some had told him to man up and fix the marriage but there were a lot (and still are) a lot who are willing to give him what he been looking for.

 

 

In my A, I had no reason to believe his M would be under threat through our A. After all, the BW was herself a fWS, who actively aided and abetted her BFF's A (although BFF's BH was supposed to be her friend, too), and whose views on marital fidelity she'd broadcast often enough for everyone to think she was cool with it.

 

Well, she was cool with it - as long as she was doing it to others. It turned out she wasn't so cool with it being done to her.

[autumnnight]

My actions are NOT direct. His are.

 

In the final analysis, in the basic premise of right and wrong....how much difference does this REALLY make.....

[William]

This went so far off the rails that, no offense to the thread starter, it would be gutted to the bone if we moderated it to our guidelines so the insight shared will have to do and thread closed.