Just asking............. (updated)

[i am gutted]

why would a woman agree or feel its ok to message, text, meet, have sex with a man that they know is married and who has kids, knowing that if the cheating husband was caught, would tear apart a family and devastate the kids along with the wife?

 

 

Do they just not care??

 

 

Do they believe everything the cheater tells them?

 

 

not knowing the truth about the cheater and how good he has had it?

 

 

I know some had told him to man up and fix the marriage but there were a lot (and still are) a lot who are willing to give him what he been looking for.

[TaraMaiden2]

People never look at the bigger picture.

They just want instant gratification.

They don't stop to think about the other people in the equasion...

 

It's a bit like this:

You go to a superstore... packed with everything you need.... and the checkout girl, just puts your stuff in a bag, and takes your money, and hands you your stuff.

 

Did you stop to look at her?

To see beyond the uniform?

To wonder what life she has away from that check-out?

Whether she has a BF or a husband, children, what kind of home she lives in, how she gets on with her mom and dad, what hobbies she has, where she gets her hair done, where she bought that necklace, those earrings.... what foods she likes to eat, what holidays she's taken, whether she's met anyone famous....

 

No, of course not.

 

All you see is a check-out girl, in a uniform, doing her job.

Because that's all you need to see. You don't need all the rest of the information, it's not necessary. You know nothing about her, and there's no reason you should.... she provides a service, and that's all you want....

 

A mistress, doesn't need, or want to see everything about the spouse/children.

They're not necessary to the goods she's investing in.

They're just the package behind the checkout.

No big deal...

 

Until....

[TaraMaiden2]

This whole thing has been going on for nearly 2 years now, hasn't it....?

 

I just looked at all your past threads.... I feel so bad for you, but what you seem to be doing is ripping the plaster off the stitches and ripping most of them out in the process...

 

You need to stop asking the 'why' questions, because all anyone can do is offer theories.

But that's all they are.

We can't get into either his head, or the OW's....

 

But you can get into yours and quit beating yourself to a pulp with all the why questions.

Because the more you sit and wait for answers, the less you make any advance on moving on from where you seem stuck...

 

Asking, isn't helping you one iota....

[Friskyone4u]

Gutted,

 

First, sorry you find yourself in this situation. The question of "why" anyone would do this is so complex that it is never possible to answer for sure. The guy who figures out this whole infidelity dynamic and can predict and explain it all will be a billionaire instantly.

 

The simple fact is in todays world, with so much interaction between men and women, especially at work, there are unfortunately going to be those that cross the line for whatever reason.

 

Not sure how all this came down for you, but I looked in your profile and it says it was a ONS. If that is the case, your outlook may be brighter than most if you can or want to try to stay in your marriage. For some it is a deal breaker.

 

With no specific as to who OW was or if she even knew your husband was married, any reasoning for why she did it is really just guessing. Reason would be probably different if she pursued him rather than if he pursued her.

 

I think your first move needs to be to make sure that this truly was and is a ONS before you make any decisions. And if you are unsure or unable to determine that, if the other woman is married you should tell her husband immmediately.

But do NOT tell your husband you are doing that. If she is busy trying to save her own ass she is less likelyu going to want to be with your husband again.

 

If you are sure it is ONS, you might want to try therapy but I would wait until you have the facts before running to MC. It is not an instant cure all.

[TaraMaiden2]

(you need to read her threads. The guy has moved out, completely. It's over.)

[i am gutted]

Hi. thanks for the replies.

well at the time of joining I understood it was a ONS but now that all this time has passed, there has been much more than that. much much more.

 

 

we are separated.

 

 

I was just wondering if any of the OW/OM have some sense of guilt knowing that the cheater is married. just interested in others views ....

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm not an OW, but still wouldn't waste my time on a cheating married man. But not because I'm looking out for said cheater's wife and family, it's more to do with my own pride and self respect. I wont be any man's entertainment or brief respite from his horribly mundane life at home. Screw that.

 

But if I'm being honest, it isn't someone else's job to look out for a married man's family. It's HIS job. If HE failed to show his wife and family the respect, care and concern he owes them, can you really hold a complete stranger to those same standards?

 

It would be a perfect world if everyone adhered to the Golden Rule of 'do unto others.' Unfortunately, we don't see that in our imperfect world.

[RoseVille]

I was just wondering if any of the OW/OM have some sense of guilt knowing that the cheater is married. just interested in others views ....

 

Honestly? No. I don't feel guilt, towards his wife, anyway. I feel sympathy for her because of the type of man she's married to, but if it weren't me, it would be someone else.

 

Where I feel guilt and conflicted is with compromising my own standards. Our A started off as basically FWB, as we were friends going in and both looking for basically just a passionate series of romps. Then we caught feelings. And that's when I started negotiating down my own standards for a man. That's what I feel icky about.

 

Basically, I don't owe her any responsibility. He does. I owe responsibility to myself.

[whichwayisup]

Hi. thanks for the replies.

well at the time of joining I understood it was a ONS but now that all this time has passed, there has been much more than that. much much more.

 

 

we are separated.

 

 

I was just wondering if any of the OW/OM have some sense of guilt knowing that the cheater is married. just interested in others views ....

 

You know from reading on here, that (most) MM greatly exaggerate the issues in their marriage to suit them in the best possible light while having an A. MM are skilled and good liars, actors/manipulators. For however long, your H hid his affair, secretly lived a double life right under your nose. Why? Because he was selfish and felt entitled to do as he pleased. That's ALL ON HIM, not you. Gutted, you did nothing wrong.

 

Some OW care and do feel guilty but when in love, emotions get in the way and when they have a MM confessing his love for her, slamming his marriage and wife, of course she is going to believe him, even though he goes home every night to his wife, there's always a line/lie ready to tell the OW to diffuse any jealously or questions.

 

Some OW do not care and don't believe in marriage, some are selfish, some aren't.

 

You have every right to have some anger at the OW, she knew better and didn't humanize you and your kids, she felt entitled and wanted what she wanted not caring about the pain it would cause you. In her eyes possibly you were just a lifeless, faceless person in her way...

 

Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon.

[aliveagain]

Honestly? No. I don't feel guilt, towards his wife, anyway. I feel sympathy for her because of the type of man she's married to, but if it weren't me, it would be someone else.

 

Where I feel guilt and conflicted is with compromising my own standards. Our A started off as basically FWB, as we were friends going in and both looking for basically just a passionate series of romps. Then we caught feelings. And that's when I started negotiating down my own standards for a man. That's what I feel icky about.

 

Basically, I don't owe her any responsibility. He does. I owe responsibility to myself.

 

Sounds like logic to me, "because of the type of man she's married to," which just happens to be the type of man your interested in because your breaking up her family to get some strange from him.

 

"I don't owe her any responsibility," very obvious by your actions and says a lot about you. This attitude hopefully will help you when it happens to you. There are many women out there who think like you so the chances are high that one of them will come into your life, after all, when your attracted to someone that doesn't respect boundaries your bound to meet women with the same lack of respect.

 

To answer your question I am gutted, selfish people believe that other peoples boundary's don't apply to them.

[eye of the storm]

Gutted, I am so sorry for the pain you are in. After my ExH left me I wanted to know all the facts. Why, when, where, how many times...and so many more. The questions were killing me. The desire to know everything was damaging my health, both physical and mental.

 

I finally had to let go. It started me on the path to healing. Letting go didn't change anything. It didn't make what he did less. But it let me move on. Wanting to know was keeping me locked in the situation. I was locked in a horrible prison. And I stayed there, even though I had the only key to get out.

 

I will admit I did some not super healthy things in the process of healing, but you will find your own path. You have to start on the road though and letting go of the need to know is (or it was for me) the first step.

 

I hope you find peace.

[RoseVille]

"I don't owe her any responsibility,"[/b] very obvious by your actions and says a lot about you. This attitude hopefully will help you when it happens to you. There are many women out there who think like you so the chances are high that one of them will come into your life, after all, when your attracted to someone that doesn't respect boundaries your bound to meet women with the same lack of respect.

 

I've been cheated on, and I never once, even with a predatory OW who pursued him, blamed the OW. She's not in my relationship. She's made no promises to me. He did. If he breaks his promises, if he breaches his contract, that's entirely HIS fault. Not his W's and not the OW's.

 

Their relationship is not my responsibility. It's theirs. There are many ways in which a spouse can check out of a marriage and betray their spouse, an affair is just one of them. You wouldn't blame a casino (gambling), cocaine (addiction), a job (workaholicism, wrong priorities), new toys (financial infidelity), porn, or anything else for the breakdown of a M, yet those are the tools that often result damage. Like guns and murder, it's not the OW that harms the marriage; it's the WS.

 

Blaming the OW and being angry with an OW is misdirected anger. I don't believe a BS should hold anger towards an OW. In that case, the OW can't hold anger towards herself for her MM's M or the W. She only owes a responsibility to herself and to protect herself, and to that end, an affair only hurts her.

 

THAT is the reason why an OW shouldn't get involved in an A.

 

Also, I don't believe in marriage.

[TaraMaiden2]

.....

Also, I don't believe in marriage.

 

Actually, neither do I.

I think it's an outdated premise that, if it is to survive as an institution, needs a radical overhaul.

 

However, that said, I'm a staunch one for principles, and as this post states, such principles "interfere" with even what goes on in my head.

I don't apologise for that, and i'm actually pleasantly surprised - although there is a sense of inhibition....

 

This post isn't meant to be judgemental or critical of anyone; I'm just of the opinion that as a human being, we have an affinity and responsibility to every single other human being to act with dignity, respect and compassion.

And that includes the wives of those we'd like to have an affair with.

It's just a sense of commonality, of decency.

Of course, the person responsible for putting it 'elsewhere' is the AP.

Of course, he is responsible for sticking to his word and not doing things to hurt the woman he married, because presumably, that's what he wanted; he loved her.

But personally, I don't want to be involved even in creating a sham and farce, of something two people took very seriously; because then, I couldn't take myself seriously either.

 

"He decided to cheat on his wife, and lie to her. He made a total mockery of the only thing which legally binds a man to a woman.

And he decided I would be the great receptacle to accomplish that mission."

That's not a role I would ever want to play.

To be the implement used to wrench great tears of heartbreak from the heart of another woman.

 

Couldn't do it.

[Kurosity]

There will never be any answer, truth or speculation, that will be valid enough for you! Trust me I have been there and some days I am still there. It will never make sense to you and nothing said will just make it all understandable for you. That road is only full of more hurt and questions.

[RoseVille]

Actually, neither do I.

I think it's an outdated premise that, if it is to survive as an institution, needs a radical overhaul.

 

However, that said, I'm a staunch one for principles, and as this post states, such principles "interfere" with even what goes on in my head.

I don't apologise for that, and i'm actually pleasantly surprised - although there is a sense of inhibition....

 

This post isn't meant to be judgemental or critical of anyone; I'm just of the opinion that as a human being, we have an affinity and responsibility to every single other human being to act with dignity, respect and compassion.

And that includes the wives of those we'd like to have an affair with.

It's just a sense of commonality, of decency.

Of course, the person responsible for putting it 'elsewhere' is the AP.

Of course, he is responsible for sticking to his word and not doing things to hurt the woman he married, because presumably, that's what he wanted; he loved her.

But personally, I don't want to be involved even in creating a sham and farce, of something two people took very seriously; because then, I couldn't take myself seriously either.

 

"He decided to cheat on his wife, and lie to her. He made a total mockery of the only thing which legally binds a man to a woman.

And he decided I would be the great receptacle to accomplish that mission."

That's not a role I would ever want to play.

To be the implement used to wrench great tears of heartbreak from the heart of another woman.

 

Couldn't do it.

 

It's not a role that any OW wants to play. It's one we end up in via unwise choices, many without guilt as to the W. That doesn't mean we want the A.

 

Until you've walked in our shoes, don't judge.

[TaraMaiden2]

It's not a role that any OW wants to play. It's one we end up in via unwise choices, many without guilt as to the W. That doesn't mean we want the A.

 

Until you've walked in our shoes, don't judge.

 

I did say in my post, I'm not being judgemental or critical. I have absolutely nothing against the choices you made; only you can decide whether they were sound or not. Truly, I'm not judging. I'm just expounding my PoV and laying it on the line.

 

If it's any consolation, I have two - not one, two! - female friends who are BOTH embroiled in affairs. Both confide in me, and confess their liaisons to me...

They give me great tales of what gives and often blow-by-blow accounts of how they feel.

Never - not once - have I ever expressed to them an opinion that would be considered judgemental, critical or condemnatory.

[elaine567]

I guess everyone gets flattered when a guy expresses an interest.

If he has something attractive about him so much the better.

Being married then can be a turn off for some, but some will be persuaded if he is persistent, and for others it can be a turn on.

[jen1447]

I guess everyone gets flattered when a guy expresses an interest.

If he has something attractive about him so much the better.

Being married then can be a turn off for some, but some will be persuaded if he is persistent, and for others it can be a turn on.

 

Women can indeed have just as much of an instinct for conquest as men do, and taking a married man is a very effective way of satisfying it. (Not all give into that urge obvs, just talking biology.)

[sandylee1]

I am gutted

 

I speak not as an OW, but reasons given by some OW I've met are:

 

His marriage must be bad or he wouldn't cheat

His wife is nasty and mean to him

I'm making his marriage bearable

I'm not the one who took vows

I'm not doing anything wrong

I like the attention he gives me

I don't want a full time relationship

His wife is not my problem

She'll never find out

 

Some struggle to get a single man and are just glad they have part of a MM.Their low confidence and self esteem doesn't allow them to think of the BW, they are just glad to be in some kind of a relationship.

 

Remember , we don't have the same moral values in this life.

 

I read about an OW who had 4 MM at the same time. She loved it and was bragging about it. No guilt at all. If someone doesn't matter to you , you don't think about them. They are a non entity. In fact they are just an obstacle at times.

 

If you don't think about it, it won't be an issue . They compartmentalise very well. It's a coping mechanism.

 

And.......I don't really care about her. If she'd disappear he and I could be together as we are soulmates. Our love is like no other.

 

It goes from not caring about the betrayed spouse , to being jealous of their lives and hating them.

[Bittersweetie]

Gutted,

I was a MW who had an A with a MM. To be honest I wasn't thinking of his wife. Heck, I wasn't really thinking of my own husband. All I thought of was myself and what I wanted. Now I feel terrible about what I did. I don't know if she ever knew about me, and it doesn't matter. I helped in a person hurting another person and that I regret.

BSW

[elaine567]

Women can indeed have just as much of an instinct for conquest as men do, and taking a married man is a very effective way of satisfying it. (Not all give into that urge obvs, just talking biology.)

 

Yes, MM can be a attractive proposition. Proven provider, husband and father. Got his act together, often a home owner, decent job, and altogether a "nice" guy.

For a woman looking for a good well rounded mate he ticks the boxes. No need to re-invent the wheel, when this wheel is ready to go.

Just need to get him weaned off his wife first...

[pureinheart]

why would a woman agree or feel its ok to message, text, meet, have sex with a man that they know is married and who has kids, knowing that if the cheating husband was caught, would tear apart a family and devastate the kids along with the wife?

 

 

Do they just not care??

 

 

Do they believe everything the cheater tells them?

 

 

not knowing the truth about the cheater and how good he has had it?

 

 

I know some had told him to man up and fix the marriage but there were a lot (and still are) a lot who are willing to give him what he been looking for.

 

IAG, typically people just 'do' and think about the consequences later (BTDT). With something like this the 'hurtee' tends to take all of the blame, thinking there is something wrong with them (this is all done internally as externally everyone/everything is usually blamed)... there is nothing wrong with you, you don't have to keep seeking what you may not find in 'asking'. What you should be looking for is how to forgive and let go... trust me, it will save YOUR life.

[daisygirl19]

Hi. thanks for the replies.

well at the time of joining I understood it was a ONS but now that all this time has passed, there has been much more than that. much much more.

 

 

we are separated.

 

 

I was just wondering if any of the OW/OM have some sense of guilt knowing that the cheater is married. just interested in others views ....

 

I have extreme guilt for my part in it. I knew he was married. I even knew his ex-wife. Still didn't matter, to either of us. We still went down that road and hurt her. Regardless of the state of their marriage prior, that isn't my business, and I will never be at peace with the decision I made. Nor should I be. But the guilt does belong to both of us, not just me.

[truncated]

Sounds like logic to me, "because of the type of man she's married to," which just happens to be the type of man your interested in because your breaking up her family to get some strange from him.

 

"I don't owe her any responsibility," very obvious by your actions and says a lot about you. This attitude hopefully will help you when it happens to you. There are many women out there who think like you so the chances are high that one of them will come into your life, after all, when your attracted to someone that doesn't respect boundaries your bound to meet women with the same lack of respect.

 

To answer your question I am gutted, selfish people believe that other peoples boundary's don't apply to them.

 

 

It has always baffled me that for some, when a mm or mw cheats on their spouse, excuses are made. He's a nice guy who is being mistreated at home, he just made a mistake, the spouse must be doing something to cause them to cheat and ergo deserves it.

 

Suddenly, when the A doesn't work out the way that the ow/om wants it to, he is horrible for hurting them in that way, and he's a liar and a snake.

 

The truth is that he was always those things. He didn't change who he was. It just hits home when it's happening to you.

Edited June 22, 2015 by truncated

[autumnnight]

I could be wrong, but I think a lot of OW/OM just kind of...blind themselves to the BS altogether. They just don't think about it. They focus on their feelings for the MM/MW and try not to think about how it might affect the BS.

 

There are some OW, however, who just flat do not care, think they are entitled to whatever man they want, and seem to really have no conscience. That must be a sad way to live, and one wonders how capable of true, selfless love they can be.