ex-wife: red flag or reasonable request

[CurrentRomance]

I need some advice...

 

I met this chap online, we went on one date and got on really well. Problem is, he lives in france and I live in London. Note: I don't consider this a deal breaker.

 

He goes back to france soon after our date but we keep texting each other pretty much every day. Conversation is good, bit playful but not smutty at all. Still some respect there.

 

I knew he was divorced but hadn't interrogated him about it. Just asked if he was ready for another relationship - which he assured me he was.

 

He suggested I go and see him in mid July and cited that it wouldn't be very convenient for him before then - he's running a business out there, so my natural assumption it was the business that was the "problem".

 

 

So last week I said... shall I book my flights to see him. He responded saying "can I be honest..." and then said that he would rather wait for his ex to leave the country before I came over. He didn't want it to be "awkward" for any of them and he "didn't want to poke the hornets nest". He couldn't give me an exact date as to when he is leaving, just that he is sure she is and that it will be at the end of July latest.

 

How should I feel about this? For me I think he led me on, suggesting a date he wasn't prepared to commit to. The ex came as bit of a bombshell, he hasn't mentioned her before as a hinderance for us making plans. Do I believe he is over his ex-wife (which he insists strongly that he is) and think he's just "doing it for everyones good" or should I feel like I'm being disrespected?

 

Should I bin this chap off or is that just being very harsh?

 

confused. help

[umirano]

Next this guy. If his "ex“ still dictates his dating life he's clearly not ready for a new relationship.

[CurrentRomance]

Next this guy. If his "ex“ still dictates his dating life he's clearly not ready for a new relationship.

 

See that's exactly what I said to him and he said - I'd got it wrong: that he wouldn't wait to see me, if she wasn't leaving france but as she was then waiting a couple of weeks "wouldn't hurt"...

 

He said he doesn't have kids but who knows! and he said he is divorced and she's not just going on holiday - she's leaving for good, but again who knows!

 

I said to him it was a lot to ask me to "trust him on this and take it at face value".

 

I agree with elaine567 - he should come to me if he's serious or at least offer to pay for my flight over there. I'm not prepared to go over otherwise.

 

I did essentially "next him" said "I like a simple life with just two people in a relationship" ouch but true!

 

Apparently my "reaction" - (which essentially just questioned why he made this decision), sent "sirens sounding" to him, he got very defensive on his decision, saying it showed that he was a decent and respectful person to wait until she left. This left me confused that he took the moral high ground!

 

Does anyone think him asking to wait for his ex to leave the country was "the right thing to do?"

[toscaroscura]

IMO his defensive reaction speaks volumes. Anyone who is on the up-and-up will do their best not to even create the appearance of shenanigans. I say this as someone who was separated long-term. I have a son with my ex and even I knew how to keep those boundaries intact.

 

It's just too suspicious and you really have nothing invested to award him all this trust he is demanding of you.

[umirano]

Apparently my "reaction" - (which essentially just questioned why he made this decision), sent "sirens sounding" to him, he got very defensive on his decision, saying it showed that he was a decent and respectful person to wait until she left. This left me confused that he took the moral high ground!

 

Does anyone think him asking to wait for his ex to leave the country was "the right thing to do?"

 

It's an ex. He doesn't owe her anything else than he'd owe his neighbor. He doesn't have the moral high ground. It's just what he wants you to believe.

 

Also the fact that he got defensive is a big red flag. If you were a priority he'd show that through action.

 

This guy isn't worth the money and time for a trip.

[kendahke]

See that's exactly what I said to him and he said - I'd got it wrong: that he wouldn't wait to see me, if she wasn't leaving france but as she was then waiting a couple of weeks "wouldn't hurt"...

 

No, he's got it wrong. He's making her comfort more important than seeing you. If he really is divorced, then who cares if she hasn't left the country and why is there even a "hornet's nest" to poke in the first place? That says that they are not finished, emotionally, with one another.

 

He said he doesn't have kids but who knows! and he said he is divorced and she's not just going on holiday - she's leaving for good, but again who knows!

 

Proceed as if he does have children and that he's not really divorced. He wasn't even in his own country when you two met, so he could have made up who he wanted to be while away.

 

I said to him it was a lot to ask me to "trust him on this and take it at face value".

 

Well, truth be told, that's what anyone asks of anyone else initially, right? Sometimes, who one says they are is the truth and sometimes, who one says they are is a lie. That's why you ask and ask and ask.

 

"I like a simple life with just two people in a relationship" ouch but true!

 

It's true.

 

Apparently my "reaction" - (which essentially just questioned why he made this decision), sent "sirens sounding" to him, he got very defensive on his decision, saying it showed that he was a decent and respectful person to wait until she left. This left me confused that he took the moral high ground!

 

That's called "the best defense is a good offense" and it's BS. The guilty make the most noise.

 

The truth of his matter is that his ex's feelings matter more to him than the feelings of someone he spent time investing in while in her country. Now that he's back in his own country, he's waiting til his she is packed off before taking up with someone new to spare his wife's feelings. By now, his ex should know that he's free to begin something new with someone else and she really has nothing to say about that matter. They're no longer married.

 

Does anyone think him asking to wait for his ex to leave the country was "the right thing to do?"

 

It's the right thing to do if you're trying to keep your avenues open towards someone you say you're not dealing with.

 

Divorce records are public. You should look into finding his divorce decree.

Edited June 22, 2015 by kendahke

[CurrentRomance]

Kendahke - you're right in everything you say.

 

Also to add.. he said they (him and his ex) were on good terms then there was a hornets nest...well which is it?

 

I also said to him "putting the feelings of your ex before a potential new partner is never going to work out well for your..." To which he responded - I'm not protecting her feelings, I doing this for me, to avoid drama.

 

I think quite a lot of what he told me was legitimate... his business has a website and trip advisor supports it strongly, he also invited me to be friends on FB and that all adds up too. Nothing suspicious or he would have put is a serious amount of work for this to look normal. He runs a holiday place so plenty of people posting online about the place and him. So that I do believe. He also sends me loads of pics of "what he's doing now" which again make sense. He's always responded quickly or lets me know when he'll be back. Really adds up. Unlike all this nonsense about his ex. As yes I did probe more about this when he put his ex between us meeting - that natural and I wasn't unpolite about it.

 

He definitely has boundary issues!

 

Seriously does anyone understand his POV because apparently according to him my lack of understanding and not listening to him (he misinterprets listening with someone who listens and draws natural conclusions) is unreasonable... and to a point I can understand why he doesn't want to "rub her face in it" - small town, don't want to end something in a toxic way... but it is putting me right at the bottom of the list which isn't cool...

[CurrentRomance]

I also don't know which country they got married in so totally not sure where to begin to look for a divorce record...I also don't know her maiden name...

[Toodaloo]

See that's exactly what I said to him and he said - I'd got it wrong: that he wouldn't wait to see me, if she wasn't leaving france but as she was then waiting a couple of weeks "wouldn't hurt"...

 

He said he doesn't have kids but who knows! and he said he is divorced and she's not just going on holiday - she's leaving for good, but again who knows!

 

I said to him it was a lot to ask me to "trust him on this and take it at face value".

 

I agree with elaine567 - he should come to me if he's serious or at least offer to pay for my flight over there. I'm not prepared to go over otherwise.

 

I did essentially "next him" said "I like a simple life with just two people in a relationship" ouch but true!

 

Apparently my "reaction" - (which essentially just questioned why he made this decision), sent "sirens sounding" to him, he got very defensive on his decision, saying it showed that he was a decent and respectful person to wait until she left. This left me confused that he took the moral high ground!

 

Does anyone think him asking to wait for his ex to leave the country was "the right thing to do?"

 

So his wife is still in the picture and he is already trying to make you out to be the bad guy when you question things...

 

You were right to next him. Even if the ex is ex and is moving he is already trying to make his problems your fault and make you feel guilty for them... Sounds like "Gas lighting" to me.

 

Don't look back.

[toscaroscura]

 

Seriously does anyone understand his POV because apparently according to him my lack of understanding and not listening to him (he misinterprets listening with someone who listens and draws natural conclusions) is unreasonable... and to a point I can understand why he doesn't want to "rub her face in it" - small town, don't want to end something in a toxic way... but it is putting me right at the bottom of the list which isn't cool...

 

You are devoting way too much mental energy to this guy trying to solve a mystery. There is no mystery. I'd bet my left arm that he is most certainly living with her still. If he isn't, he is still seeing her/sleeping with her.

 

I understand not wanting to "rub her face in it". My ex and I live in the same town, and as far as I am concerned, he doesn't need to know anything about what I do and who I do it with. But I still date and I don't have to wait for him to leave the country to do it.

 

Because I live in my own place. And we certainly don't see each other anymore.

 

In fact, I had a male visitor just this past week. He stayed with me for a few days. My ex wasn't even involved because, why would he have been?

 

I mean, think about it. If she was living in a separate place, with her own life, why would it matter what visitors he had? If they weren't still involved, why would your visit cause "drama"?

[CurrentRomance]

you're all absolutely right, this is gas lighting - actually questioning my sanity, I also had PMT when he broke the news, so I always over question if I'm being reasonable at this time.

 

We've been talking for weeks hence why I am spending some time to get my head straight.

 

No wonder she divorced him if this is how he behaves. I'd probably get on well with her lol

 

It shouldn't matter if she's around. I even told him - she'll find out you're seeing someone whether she's in the country or not. So what does it matter? If she returns to visit friends etc, would I have to hide under the bed until she leaves. Apparently this was me "not getting what he was saying at all".

 

I suppose this comes down to "treating others how you wish to be treated yourself" I would never say to a chap I'd been on a date with "we can't see each other because I don't need the trouble from my ex" It is complete BS. If that was the case, I'd sort out that relationship first.

 

What a total loser! Urgh

[Toodaloo]

It shouldn't matter if she's around. I even told him - she'll find out you're seeing someone whether she's in the country or not. So what does it matter? If she returns to visit friends etc, would I have to hide under the bed until she leaves. Apparently this was me "not getting what he was saying at all".

 

I suppose this comes down to "treating others how you wish to be treated yourself" I would never say to a chap I'd been on a date with "we can't see each other because I don't need the trouble from my ex" It is complete BS. If that was the case, I'd sort out that relationship first.

 

Why would she stay with him if she comes back to visit friends?? Shouldn't she stay with friends?

 

I wouldn't worry about hiding under the bed. Looks like you have dodged a bullet and will not have to thank goodness.

 

Don't pay it a second more thought. Its not worth it.

[elaine567]

I mean, think about it. If she was living in a separate place, with her own life, why would it matter what visitors he had? If they weren't still involved, why would your visit cause "drama"?

 

Agreed.

An ex if there are no children involved just becomes someone you used to date - no big deal.

Unless

 

• They are still together.
  
• He told her he still loves her and wants to get back with her
  
• She still love him and wants to get back with him.
  
• He said he was not dating anyone else, and it is now awkward to tell her he was.
  

Of course sorry to say you may not be the only young lady coming to visit him in France...

[TaraMaiden2]

He's French...? Oh la la....

 

She's not an ex.

[CurrentRomance]

Agreed.

An ex if there are no children involved just becomes someone you used to date - no big deal.

Unless

 

• They are still together.
  
• He told her he still loves her and wants to get back with her
  
• She still love him and wants to get back with him.
  
• He said he was not dating anyone else, and it is now awkward to tell her he was.
  

Of course sorry to say you may not be the only young lady coming to visit him in France...

 

Totally agree - I even asked him/joked about whether he's inviting all these girls over do so some weird Alps version of the Bachelor... hahaha

 

Toodoloo... I wasn't suggesting she would stay, just that I would have to hide out, not go anywhere in case I bump into her. He seems to think it would be awkward for me to run into her, which it totally wouldn't, everyone has an ex, so what!

Edited June 22, 2015 by CurrentRomance

[joseb]

I'm guessing that the ex is still in the house with him, and isn't moving out until she leaves. Seems to me like the most likely reason for him to behave like this.

 

It could also be that he hasn't finalised the divorce, and is afraid of any fallout that might incur if she sees him with someone new.

[PogoStick]

Josep I was thinking the same as your first point. Your second point makes sense as well. I have no idea how French divorce works. If he's the one driving the divorce then I can see him not wanting to make things any worse or possibly complicate the court process.

 

Anyways OP, not being comfortable with an ex to even be in the same country is odd, to say the least.

[beach]

See that's exactly what I said to him and he said - I'd got it wrong: that he wouldn't wait to see me, if she wasn't leaving france but as she was then waiting a couple of weeks "wouldn't hurt"...

 

He said he doesn't have kids but who knows! and he said he is divorced and she's not just going on holiday - she's leaving for good, but again who knows!

 

I said to him it was a lot to ask me to "trust him on this and take it at face value".

 

I agree with elaine567 - he should come to me if he's serious or at least offer to pay for my flight over there. I'm not prepared to go over otherwise.

 

I did essentially "next him" said "I like a simple life with just two people in a relationship" ouch but true!

 

Apparently my "reaction" - (which essentially just questioned why he made this decision), sent "sirens sounding" to him, he got very defensive on his decision, saying it showed that he was a decent and respectful person to wait until she left. This left me confused that he took the moral high ground!

 

Does anyone think him asking to wait for his ex to leave the country was "the right thing to do?"

 

If he is divorced (past tense) why would it matter? When was the divorced finalized? How long were they married? How old is he?

 

I'd spend $50 and do a back round check on him - find out if his info matches what he's told you.

 

I can't imagine why he's still catering to her feelings if he's divorced.

 

More than that, I'd be cautious about his attachment to her - if it's over, she shouldn't be an issue.

[coryreply]

He could be telling the truth about wanting to avoid potential drama from the ex. Let's be honest ladies, you all can start acting really strange when another woman shows up....

[kendahke]

He could be telling the truth about wanting to avoid potential drama from the ex. Let's be honest ladies, you all can start acting really strange when another woman shows up....

 

And let's be honest, guys: you all start acting really strange when another man shows up...

 

If she is his ex, then she can act strange until times get better, but she has nothing to say about the matter because she's his ex. The only way "strange" enters the picture is when the ex isn't an ex and hasn't been told that things are over and they are moving on with their lives.

[toscaroscura]

And let's be honest, guys: you all start acting really strange when another man shows up...

 

If she is his ex, then she can act strange until times get better, but she has nothing to say about the matter because she's his ex. The only way "strange" enters the picture is when the ex isn't an ex and hasn't been told that things are over and they are moving on with their lives.

 

Right. I'm 100% positive my ex would NOT like me dating. But it's not his business because I don't MAKE it his business.

[Goodbye]

I need some advice...

 

I met this chap online, we went on one date and got on really well. Problem is, he lives in france and I live in London. Note: I don't consider this a deal breaker.

 

He goes back to france soon after our date but we keep texting each other pretty much every day. Conversation is good, bit playful but not smutty at all. Still some respect there.

 

I knew he was divorced but hadn't interrogated him about it. Just asked if he was ready for another relationship - which he assured me he was.

 

He suggested I go and see him in mid July and cited that it wouldn't be very convenient for him before then - he's running a business out there, so my natural assumption it was the business that was the "problem".

 

So last week I said... shall I book my flights to see him. He responded saying "can I be honest..." and then said that he would rather wait for his ex to leave the country before I came over. He didn't want it to be "awkward" for any of them and he "didn't want to poke the hornets nest". He couldn't give me an exact date as to when he is leaving, just that he is sure she is and that it will be at the end of July latest.

 

How should I feel about this? For me I think he led me on, suggesting a date he wasn't prepared to commit to. The ex came as bit of a bombshell, he hasn't mentioned her before as a hinderance for us making plans. Do I believe he is over his ex-wife (which he insists strongly that he is) and think he's just "doing it for everyones good" or should I feel like I'm being disrespected?

 

Should I bin this chap off or is that just being very harsh?

 

confused. help

 

 

Hmm, red flags for sure...but not a deal breaker...yet.

 

I've been in long distance relationships and they are difficult because you don't get a clear understanding of daily life.

 

My first thoughts are 1) he is telling the truth or 2) he isn't really divorced. I have had BOTH of these things happen.

 

My exH is loony and frankly I prefer to keep men I"m dating away from him as much as possible. I've delayed visits with bf because exH would be at the same event and what not. It is getting better, but he is still a lose cannon and even though he is getting remarried, remains strangely obsessed with my private life...so it is my preference to keep as much distance as possible. Your bf could be dealing with this.

 

On the other (not good) hand, he could be lying about his real status. Also had this happen (read my hundreds of posts)...met up with college bf who stated that like me, he was going through a divorce and separated. He lived across the country and it turns out NONE OF IT was true. His wife had no clue he was meeting up with me and in a serious relationship...including talking about marriage.

 

I don't know if you can do this where you are...you can in some states in the US. Go to public court records and see if there is a divorce action pending or settled. If there is nothing there, and the records are public, chances are he is lying and is married and hiding you because he is trying to maintain the status quo on the homefront.

 

Good luck to you.