Did he choose her because it was easier?

[Whereareyounow]

Hi. Long time lurker. I'm so lost and heartbroken and would appreciate any help. So, I met T (let's call him that) about one year ago in the midst of my divorce. My husband had already moved out and we were waiting for papers to be finalized. I met T through one of my work colleagues and we instantly hit it off. I was wary of getting involved so quickly following the demise of my marriage but he pursed me relentlessly.

 

He was getting out of a 10 year relationship with his university sweetheart ( amicable - they both fell out of love) and was in process of moving out. We got involved in a bit of a FWB situation but after 6 months of sleeping together, I wanted more. My papers were finalized by then and I assumed that'd be the next step forward however he was kind of hesitant. On the same note, he was nothing but sweet to me when we were together but outside of that, he was sporadic with contact but I took this to mean he was busy with work ( he's a corporate lawyer)

 

I had never had anyone treat me so well and through his encouragement I reapplied to school and decided to get my degree ( I dropped out earlier) and we connected on such a deep level. I was still unable that he wouldn't get exclusive with me and told him as such. At this point he got a 18 month offer to move half way across the world to London for a job opportunity and that's where we are now.

 

He moved and we kept in contact for another 4 months and while our skype chats were great, he was AWFUL at keeping in contact. He told me to come visit him and I booked my ticket for January this year. But this is where it gets tricky...He met a girl in November but kept it a secret. While we were never exclusive, it did bother me that not only did he like this girl but they started sleeping together. She was temporarily in London for a job interview and so I thought nothing of it. However when I visited in January it became apparent, there was more to him and her and she would indeed be moving to the country he was working in.

 

We had a great time in London but I felt a strange distance. Upon leaving back to my country, I logged in social media and lo and behold, he has uploaded what felt like millions of pictures of this new girl and the week they had together( they spent a week in Rome together). I was heartbroken. We were just together and he had told me he loved me. How? I reached out but he didn't get in touch till end Feb( just before she moved to his country). I implored what had happened and he kept repeating that he loved me but it was hard (none of it made sense). We spoke a few more days and then out of the BLUE...I receive a message from him saying he's falling for the new girl and to leave him be. That's he's sorry for leading me on.

 

WHAT??

 

I was floored. He went on to say he couldn't talk to me anymore. I am certain it's the new girl controlling him. Was he lying? What happened? What do I do?

 

Short version: Met T, spent 6 months in FWB but we fell in love but he met new girl just before I visited and he dumped me.

 

Help.

[Whereareyounow]

I also heard they moved in together:(

[gaius]

You don't do anything except move on. He fell in love with someone else and dumped you. That's about as final and buried as it gets.

[PinkCarnations]

Dang that really really sucks. Yeah there's not much to do except move on. Are u his secretary by any chance? seems like he was just using you from the get go. He's an ass. Go NC. Never contact him again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi. Long time lurker. I'm so lost and heartbroken and would appreciate any help. So, I met T (let's call him that) about one year ago in the midst of my divorce. My husband had already moved out and we were waiting for papers to be finalized. I met T through one of my work colleagues and we instantly hit it off. I was wary of getting involved so quickly following the demise of my marriage but he pursed me relentlessly.

 

He was getting out of a 10 year relationship with his university sweetheart ( amicable - they both fell out of love) and was in process of moving out. We got involved in a bit of a FWB situation but after 6 months of sleeping together, I wanted more. My papers were finalized by then and I assumed that'd be the next step forward however he was kind of hesitant. On the same note, he was nothing but sweet to me when we were together but outside of that, he was sporadic with contact but I took this to mean he was busy with work ( he's a corporate lawyer)

 

I had never had anyone treat me so well and through his encouragement I reapplied to school and decided to get my degree ( I dropped out earlier) and we connected on such a deep level. I was still unable that he wouldn't get exclusive with me and told him as such. At this point he got a 18 month offer to move half way across the world to London for a job opportunity and that's where we are now.

 

He moved and we kept in contact for another 4 months and while our skype chats were great, he was AWFUL at keeping in contact. He told me to come visit him and I booked my ticket for January this year. But this is where it gets tricky...He met a girl in November but kept it a secret. While we were never exclusive, it did bother me that not only did he like this girl but they started sleeping together. She was temporarily in London for a job interview and so I thought nothing of it. However when I visited in January it became apparent, there was more to him and her and she would indeed be moving to the country he was working in.

 

We had a great time in London but I felt a strange distance. Upon leaving back to my country, I logged in social media and lo and behold, he has uploaded what felt like millions of pictures of this new girl and the week they had together( they spent a week in Rome together). I was heartbroken. We were just together and he had told me he loved me. How? I reached out but he didn't get in touch till end Feb( just before she moved to his country). I implored what had happened and he kept repeating that he loved me but it was hard (none of it made sense). We spoke a few more days and then out of the BLUE...I receive a message from him saying he's falling for the new girl and to leave him be. That's he's sorry for leading me on.

 

WHAT??

 

I was floored. He went on to say he couldn't talk to me anymore. I am certain it's the new girl controlling him. Was he lying? What happened? What do I do?

 

Short version: Met T, spent 6 months in FWB but we fell in love but he met new girl just before I visited and he dumped me.

 

Help.

 

I think you fell in love, but he didn't. It was never a relationship, so he didn't dump you, per se. I understand it's painful in any case though. And I don't think she's controlling him. He's doing the right thing by ending contact with you. He is in a relationship now from the sounds of it, and keeping in touch with a woman he had been sleeping with isn't cool. He clearly knows that you're into him so it wouldn't be fair to you, him or his new girlfriend to let this go any further.

 

Technically, he didn't do anything wrong. He didn't pursue a relationship with you and his patchy contact indicates that he wasn't as invested as you were. You wanted something more and he didn't. I think you fell for him but he was happy keeping it very casual. I would never have gone to visit a guy in a different country if I weren't in an established relationship; tough lesson learned. You spent time and money and did the leg work for a guy who didn't want something serious. All you can do now is move on, and read the signs better next time. Look at actions, not words. His actions indicated you weren't on the same page. Delete him from social media and go no contact right now.

[Whereareyounow]

Thank you all for your responses. I know I shouldn't have visited him when we weren't completely established but I really believed we had something deep. I've never connected with anyone that deeply and from his words (I know I know) I felt he hadn't either. It hurts but I think he might have been with me as a transition after his long term relationship ended. It took the edge of my divorce too but I didn't think I would fall as I did.

 

In fairness I bought my ticket to see him before he met the girl ( he was the one who invited me) so what I don't understand is why he didn't tell me beforehand? I guess the answer was in his lack of actions. What hurts more though is when I left, he made it seem as though it was the new girl that was the one controlling the situation and he did love me but it was hard...that her and him would never be what we were.....but just WEEKS later, she moves down and he deletes my contacts and tells me he loves her and he is sorry.

 

I couldn't believe my eyes. Why lead me on? It makes no sense. All I wanted was closure. I let it go for a few weeks and sent an generic email for his birthday. He responded with another sorry and he loves her and he's sorry for all he did. I never responded but just last week he sent me another sorry. I don't get it.

 

He's already moved in with her. Is she just a rebound? How has he moved so quickly with this girl? He never lived with his ex till the 5th year and even then it was a house with 2 other friends arrangements. Even his friend (our mutual friend) says he has never seen him move so fast...I just don't know what to make of all this ? He hurt me so bad

[GemmaUK]

You wanted more after a period of FWB and he was hesitant and obviously voiced that.

 

That should have given you the sign that he didn't see you as more than FWB.

 

I honestly don't think he has done anything wrong here and you visiting him was an 'at your own risk' scenario.

You already knew at that stage that he was hesitant and had met someone else too.

I would have cut contact with him when he left.

 

The way he has now ended this was that of 'FRIEND with benefits'. He is a friend, he loves you as a friend and has been supportive etc but meeting someone new is the point where he has to make a choice as he is aware that you are not likely to be happy to be just a friend.

[Whereareyounow]

You wanted more after a period of FWB and he was hesitant and obviously voiced that.

 

That should have given you the sign that he didn't see you as more than FWB.

 

I honestly don't think he has done anything wrong here and you visiting him was an 'at your own risk' scenario.

You already knew at that stage that he was hesitant and had met someone else too.

I would have cut contact with him when he left.

 

The way he has now ended this was that of 'FRIEND with benefits'. He is a friend, he loves you as a friend and has been supportive etc but meeting someone new is the point where he has to make a choice as he is aware that you are not likely to be happy to be just a friend.

 

I see what you mean but why tell me he loves me? Why tell me after I leave the visit that her and him will never be what we were?And why make it seem like a choice? And now he's in LOVE? Was he saying all that to let me down easy?

[ExpatInItaly]

I see what you mean but why tell me he loves me? Why tell me after I leave the visit that her and him will never be what we were?And why make it seem like a choice? And now he's in LOVE? Was he saying all that to let me down easy?

 

Probably, yes.

 

You need to be very careful to look at the contradictions: he said he loves you, but didn't want a relationship with you. He said it's hard, but he didn't bother to maintain contact with you. His actions are speaking volumes and contradicting what he says.

 

I don't think he's rebounding with her, no. There was no relationship to rebound from. He liked your company and the sex, but that was where it ended for him. His emotions weren't involved, but unfortunately yours were. So when he met someone he felt a strong connection with, he went for it and it was easy for him to do so.

 

I get the sense you're talking to his friends about this - is that correct? If so, you need to stop. For your own sanity. Don't torment yourself with the details of him and his girlfriend. Don't torment yourself by wondering what went wrong. Nothing went wrong except that you fell for someone who didn't want the same things. That's not terrible, but next time be careful about hoping for more from a FWB. And when you sense they don't want what you want, it's time to end the arrangement.

[GemmaUK]

I see what you mean but why tell me he loves me?

Because friends can love each other.

 

 

Why tell me after I leave the visit that her and him will never be what we were?

Because this is an entirely different set up with a different person and in a different situation.

 

 

And why make it seem like a choice?

How would it not be a choice?

 

 

And now he's in LOVE?

'In love' is very different to love. It encapsulates much more than just sex and some friendship.

 

 

Was he saying all that to let me down easy?

Quite possibly/probably yes, it doesn't seem like you quite understand the differences in dynamic that there could be here.

[oldshirt]

This is just a little tough-love to get your head out of the fog and get you over him and back on the market and moving on with your life in a faster and more efficient manner rather than pining for something that didn't work out.

 

 

Think of this like when you break your arm and it hurts real bad but in order for it to heal properly and more efficiently, the doctor has to set it in place first and that hurts like hell, but then the healing can begin.

 

 

So here are some responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for your responses. I know I shouldn't have visited him when we weren't completely established but I really believed we had something deep.

 

 

 

 

This was probably your only actual mistake. You were both in states of upheaval when you met and by your own admission it was a FWB arrangement. You were both kind of each other's ego strokers and bed warmers for each other. That wasn't really a mistake, everyone does that when they divorce. Your mistake was in thinking that it was going to be more than what it really was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've never connected with anyone that deeply and from his words (I know I know) I felt he hadn't either.

 

 

you were putting your own feelings in his mouth and guys can and will say anything. Always learn to watch actions and not listening to words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It hurts but I think he might have been with me as a transition after his long term relationship ended.

 

 

Honey, that is a forgone conclusion. It's not something that you "think" "might" be the case.

And in all honesty, he was your transition for you as well. You just got attached and started future-planning somewhere in that process....he didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took the edge of my divorce too but I didn't think I would fall as I did.

 

 

Welcome to the human race. Tell me one example in all of human history where people's feelings did exactly as they planned

No harm, no foul here. Noone faults you. Get some Kleenex and some premium ice cream and invite a girlfriend or two over to watch chick flicks, eat ice cream and then she/they can hand you Kleenex and tell you what an ahole he is and that it is his loss.

Then the next day move on with the rest of your life and get out and do something you want to do.

 

 

 

In fairness I bought my ticket to see him before he met the girl ( he was the one who invited me) so what I don't understand is why he didn't tell me beforehand?

 

 

Because he still wanted to see you and enjoy all the benefits that that entails.

Guys aren't chicks. They don't take "breaks" to check out someone else before breaking it off and they don't monkey swing from one person to the next when a bigger, better deal comes along. In fact guys rarely break up with women at all.

They do one of a couple things. They either just fade away like a fart in the wind and you never hear from them again. Or they just add other women to the harem and let the women decide for themselves if they want to be a part of that harem or not.

There are only few things that will make a man actually break up with a woman in a direct, formal manner and I will touch on that soon because this is one of those cases.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess the answer was in his lack of actions.

 

 

 

 

Yes it was. you are correct. Remember this always going into the future.

 

 

What hurts more though is when I left, he made it seem as though it was the new girl that was the one controlling the situation

 

 

OK here is that exception I was talking about above. One of the only few times a man will ever formally break up with woman is if there is a new woman in the picture that he believes is "the one" and she insists that he severe contact with the old one.

For whatever reason which could be one of a million different things, he thinks she is the bigger, better deal and the better bet and she has laid down the law and given him the ultimatum to dump you or see her taillights fading away in the distance.

He chose her. I am sorry. Get some ice cream. you'll get over it and come out OK in a little while. you'll survive and do fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and he did love me

 

 

Let's be realistic here, he probably did have some warm and sincere feelings for you to one degree or another. There may have been a point where there were some legitimate feelings and such going on. It didn't work out in the long run but that doesn't mean that wasn't something there at one point or another.

Take it for what it was. Mourn it's death. Cry and eat ice cream. Then have a dignified funeral for it. Bury it. Move on with life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

but it was hard...that her and him would never be what we were....

 

 

Now you are just being dramatic. You know nothing about their relationship or their feelings for each other. Maybe they are the perfect couple. Maybe they are a train wreck that is going to end in disaster. It doesn't matter. Not your problem anymore.

 

 

 

 

.but just WEEKS later, she moves down and he deletes my contacts and tells me he loves her and he is sorry.

 

 

 

 

You know what? Getting dumped sucks. it hurts. There's no getting around that and there isn't a single way in the entire universe that you can get dumped without it hurting and without getting pissed off about it. There is no way to dump someone without it causing pain and contempt and questions.

At least he did it and did it relatively cleanly and he tore that bandaid off quick. yeah it hurt, but I guarantee you that you'll get over it.

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn't believe my eyes.

 

 

You haven't been believing your eyes for quite some time now. you need to work on that.

Always believe the actions that you see people do.

But always questions the words they say that you hear.

Learn the difference between those two things and always remember it.

 

 

 

 

Why lead me on?

 

 

Men add women. They don't get rid of the ones they have unless they think one is clearly a bigger, better deal and that person is making them chose.

That is the "why." Knowing that isn't really going to change anything or make it any better so just move on.

 

 

 

 

It makes no sense.

 

 

It makes perfect sense. You just don't like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I wanted was closure.

 

 

Now you have it thanks to Uncle Oldshirt. you are welcome. That is what wise old uncles are for.

Now get your Kleenex, eat your ice cream, have your cry and then brush yourself off and get back to living your own life for you.

That horse bucked you off and ran away. Find another horse and get back up on that one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I let it go for a few weeks and sent an generic email for his birthday.

 

 

Let that be the last time he hears from you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He responded with another sorry and he loves her and he's sorry for all he did.

 

 

There's your sign. Move along, nothing more to see here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never responded but just last week he sent me another sorry. I don't get it.

 

 

I don't get it either. Time to change your email or just block him and forget about it.

 

 

 

 

 

He's already moved in with her.

 

 

That's right he has. Why are you still carrying on and why aren't you going out partying it up with your girlfriends and hitting on that hot hunk that just started working down in accounting?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is she just a rebound?

 

 

I don't care if she's a green, three eye'd, six toe'd space alien sent here to take back his brain and neither should you.

 

 

 

 

How has he moved so quickly with this girl?

 

 

The better question is why haven't you??????

 

 

 

 

 

 

He never lived with his ex till the 5th year and even then it was a house with 2 other friends arrangements.

 

 

Are you done yet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even his friend (our mutual friend) says he has never seen him move so fast...I just don't know what to make of all this ?

 

 

The answer lies in the 1980 movie "Airplane."

Loyd Bridges asks - "what do you make of this?"

Answer - "I can make a hat. A boat........"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He hurt me so bad

 

 

 

 

Yeah he has and I am not trying to belittle your pain or be an insensitive jerk. I am sorry this happened to you and that you are going through this.

But again, tough love doesn't ease the pain or make it go away. It helps allow the healing process to work more efficiently and shorten painful period.

This was a near-miss. It didn't work out. The vast vast vast majority of relationships in the world don't work out forever. This is just one of those.

You tried to transition from your failing marriage into another fulfilling relationship without having a painful period and it didn't work out that way.

You're going to experience some pain and sadness and some anger and a whole host of other things for awhile but you will survive. you will flourish. you will recover and you will move on to have happiness and good fortune again.

You just have to leave this mess behind you in your past first. You're gonna come out ok.

The best thing to do here is just walk away from it; leave it alone and just move on with your own life.

You have all the answers you need already. they just suck and digging in to it more and spending more time and energy on it is only going to delay your healing and prolong the suckiness. Stop doing that. Move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BlueIris]

Men add women. They don't get rid of the ones they have unless they think one is clearly a bigger, better deal and that person is making them chose.

 

As an aside, this scares me and makes me feel sad. My suspicion that this might be true with some of the men I met was why I quit dating.

[kendahke]

Never cross an ocean for someone who will not cross a puddle for you.

[elaine567]

I let it go for a few weeks and sent an generic email for his birthday. He responded with another sorry and he loves her and he's sorry for all he did. I never responded but just last week he sent me another sorry. I don't get it.

 

I guess he is now thinking, "Is it just possible she could let me back in, IF I play my cards right"

"Love of my life, PLUS a FWB. A FWB who knows the score but will put up with it because she loves me..." Hmmm... What's not to like?

 

He had the two of you for a while there. "Cake and eat it". may now be his style.

[Whereareyounow]

This is just a little tough-love to get your head out of the fog and get you over him and back on the market and moving on with your life in a faster and more efficient manner rather than pining for something that didn't work out.

 

 

Think of this like when you break your arm and it hurts real bad but in order for it to heal properly and more efficiently, the doctor has to set it in place first and that hurts like hell, but then the healing can begin.

 

 

So here are some responses in bold below.

 

Thank you. I read this half in tears and half in laugher! Thank you. I truly believed we had something powerful but I need to learn how to let it go. I took the first steps by blocking him so I am not tempted and her. All I do is stalk her profile.

[preraph]

Men ares so sex-centric that they can easily lose interest when they're not having sex. Now, don't mistake that for love. It's more out of sight, out of mind. This is why long distance doesn't usually work for long. IMO, not a big loss, but I know you're heartbroken. Please take time to heal now before you jump into the next relationship.

[oldshirt]

As an aside, this scares me and makes me feel sad. My suspicion that this might be true with some of the men I met was why I quit dating.

 

There's no 'might' about it; it is absolutely true. The basic hardwiring of men is they will keep adding women to the harem as long as the women go along with it.

 

 

Men simply do not break up with women in any kind of formal manner. If they are allowed of their own free will they will just add more women into the pile.

 

 

They only break up with women if they have a realistic chance at a bigger and better deal and that woman insists on him ditching the other one first.

 

 

Otherwise if a guy actually wants to leave a woman, he'll just fade away like a fart in the wind.

 

 

The only time a man will formally dump if there's not another woman involved is if there is something extreme going on like she is poisoning him or she is a chronic cheater that is having ongoing or multiple affairs or something like and even then it's pretty rare that he'll actually leave for a long, long time until the evidence is so insurmountable it can't be ignored.

 

 

Formal break ups are a female concept.

[coryreply]

Hi OP. The advice you've received here is spot on! Sorry you're going through it. It's no fun.

 

Hopefully there are a few things you'll learn from going through all of this that will strengthen you for your future. Hang in there! Good luck to you.

[Whereareyounow]

I've been reading all the advice on repeat. It really helps. I was doing well but today (my fault I know) I asked his friend about him and turns out his girlfriend and him will be attending the same wedding I'm going to. Am tempted to stay home. I hope to one day get there but I can't help feeling so upset and disillusioned. All I want is one conversation with him about why but I know it'll get me nowhere so I guess I just have to power through.

[lana-banana]

I suggest not attending the wedding OR staying home. If you stay home you're just going to drive yourself crazy thinking about them. Find something active and engaging to occupy your thoughts. And block her profile pronto so you aren't tempted to look at pictures afterwards.

[Lois_Griffin]

. On the same note, he was nothing but sweet to me when we were together but outside of that, he was sporadic with contact but I took this to mean he was busy with work ( he's a corporate lawyer).

So he basically came around for sex but really didn't bother with you much the rest of the time.

 

Sadly, in your post you say "I've never had anyone treat me this well....."

 

That's really unfortunate if this is the best you've ever been treated.

 

And no, you and he did not fall in love. You did.

 

For what it's worth, he was a complete jack-hole to not be honest with you upfront and save you the expense and misery of coming out to visit him. Complete jack-hole.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Lois_Griffin