sunshine2 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I need some advice on how to deal with dating and kids. Just a little background. Im dating a man who has 4 kids, but only one is under 18. I also have 4 kids, but only 2 are at home.. my youngest is 15, and my son just turned 18. He has the 11 YO 50% of the time. His X wife is pretty nuts, so this factors into it cause she disregards custody at time and keeps his daughter when he is supposed to have her. This 11 year old is spoiled. She gets basically anything she wants. If she doesn't want to go to her dads, then she doesn't, which is not okay, but mom allows it. He gets really upset when this happens though and has the paperwork that shows he is supposed to have her, but the local authorities won't do anything for him so he has to file paperwork each time he does not get her on his days through the court. This does nothing but document that he isn't with her and why. Anyway, when I met him, he had her, but then he didn't have her for 6 weeks, because she decided she didn't want to see dad. So we dated during that time that he didn't have her which was nice as he was pretty free to do things and I saw him quite a bit. Then she came back and of course things changed. I hadn't met her yet, and so we would see each other when he didn't have her. I got used to that, though it was different at first. This last week he was supposed to have her and again she decided that she didn't want to go to dads for his time. I was at his house when this occurred and it was terrible to watch him go through it. He told her no, she had to come and she basically ignored him. He called his X and she would not help him and just told him basically to F off. So watching this all got me upset. He gets no respect and he is a really good dad. Although he does spoil her. So we had planned a fathers day baseball game with his 11 and 18 YO daughters. We both thought they wouldn't come since this incident occurred. Well the 11 year old came, the 18 yo didn't. Seems like that happens a lot. Here is my problem. Even though she treats him badly, he is overly nice to her. We were at the game and he bought her everything she wanted, mind you it was fathers day. I watched this and thought wow. I just don't get it. He was so hurt by it all, but then just buys her anything she wants and acts like nothing is wrong. He sat next to her, not me, which is okay it was fathers day. I did feel left out, like I was just someone who they sat next to. When he is with her, she gets all of his attention. He is basically not a very affectionate guy in general, but he is with her. I'm not sure why but this really bothered me. I wanted to leave. I felt like a third wheel and not at all part of his day. The only time I felt like I was when we would high five when something good happened and in the car on the way there and home as we talked and she was listening to her music on earbuds. Has anyone dealt with this before with kids? I mean my kids are not needy nor do they need mom around them all the time, but when she is with him, she is clingy, wants all his attention and pretty much Im left to watch it all happen. Is this normal? Help! Just a side note, we have both been divorced for almost 5 years, so this is not a new.
Fleur de cactus Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 If it was like this before you met him, I mean if he used to spoiled her, it will not be easy to change him. It is also normal to give attention to your children. I think children are the priority in bf/gf relationship. Can you talk to him and tell him why you feels when you feel left out? Is he like this for 3 days he has the girl or it happens occasionally?
TunaCat Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 My concern is that your BF seems to be okay with how his ex handles the custody arrangement. If his daughter is not being returned to him when she's supposed to be, then WHY isn't he fighting it? Why does he seem okay with not seeing his daughter when he's supposed to? If she's not wanting to see daddy, is there a reason for this? Is he a good father to her? I'm sure it's possible that his ex is crazy-pants, and if that's the case this poor 11 year old needs more stability in her life. When he DOES see her, of COURSE she should be getting all of his attention. Of course he should be spending lots of time with her and lavishing her with attention. After all, that's his DAUGHTER! You need to decide if you can handle this because his daughter should be his priority.
Author sunshine2 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I don't think you read my whole post. He fights constantly to get her on his days. And ...He took the X to mediation and she didn't show up. Then he took her to court last week and again she didn't show up. This all for making sure he gets her on his time but she ignores it all. Yea I guess I need to get over this. I just hate seeing him hurt then bending over backwards to please her. ccMy concern is that your BF seems to be okay with how his ex handles the custody arrangement. If his daughter is not being returned to him when she's supposed to be, then WHY isn't he fighting it? Why does he seem okay with not seeing his daughter when he's supposed to? If she's not wanting to see daddy, is there a reason for this? Is he a good father to her? I'm sure it's possible that his ex is crazy-pants, and if that's the case this poor 11 year old needs more stability in her life. When he DOES see her, of COURSE she should be getting all of his attention. Of course he should be spending lots of time with her and lavishing her with attention. After all, that's his DAUGHTER! You need to decide if you can handle this because his daughter should be his priority.
Author sunshine2 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 If it was like this before you met him, I mean if he used to spoiled her, it will not be easy to change him. It is also normal to give attention to your children. I think children are the priority in bf/gf relationship. Can you talk to him and tell him why you feels when you feel left out? Is he like this for 3 days he has the girl or it happens occasionally? It's been him and her for five years so I'm sure it has something to do with it. I'm new and I'm not mom. I think this is just me. I have kids and they are first but I don't give them everything they want and do say no sometimes lol
joseb Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 In my last relationship my ex had a boy who was 10 when I met her. He too was incredibly spoiled. He was very manipulative also, and disliked me spending any time with his mum. He often reduce her to tears with the way he treated her. I tried my best to intervene without causing more problems, but in the end it was one of the main reasons I had to leave the relationship. There is only a limited amount you can do as a step parent, and once kids reach that age, it's hard to "un-spoil" them. Good luck, you will need a lot of patience.
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