PinkCarnations Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I never thought I'd be labelled a crazy ex or whatever.. but I think that's what I'm becoming.. Long story short, it's 2 weeks prior to my 8-month long distance military boyfriend's return, and we get into a fight. Basically, i was mad because he couldn't help me move to my new place because he has to work (i wasn't necessarily mad at him, just frustrated in general because of the circumstances). So when we were talking, I started pointing out other things that were bothering me like the fact that he didn't get me anything for graduation (all he said to me on my graduation day was "congrats" (come on! I've had acquaintances wish me something longer than that) and he also never changed his Facebook status (it still says single even after i reminded him about it 2 other times). Anyways, his response was essentially "it's the way it is" aka "this is who I am." So I don't say anything to him for a couple days. Looking at his Facebook pissed me off a lot because it's still full of pictures of his ex, and he's still "single" so I decided to delete him off my Facebook. Some time later, I cool off and I write to him about a new show I watched that reminded me of him, and he ignores it. I start writing a couple more messages asking if he's mad at me or what's going on. Then I started to think, maybe our last argument wasn't just an argument, it was a break up. I messaged him through both email and Facebook, and he ignored all 4 messages. Finally, he replies and says he's been trying to figure this out and that we're too different. I replied and apologized for being unreasonable before, but "maybe we are too different, but i still wanted to hang out before i leave." (I'm moving to a new city, 2 hours away). He never replied to that. I noticed he viewed my snapchats but no reply. Also his snapchat score was going up, so I was thinking he's probably sending snapchats to other people (maybe even other girls) but he didn't send anything to me. Yeah, it's a childish thing to admit, but that was what was going through my mind. A couple days later, I knew he was in Hawaii, and so I messaged him on Facebook asking "How's hawaii : ) " It was seen very quickly, but no reply. I asked if he enjoys ignoring me or am i just annoying him?" Again, seen but no reply. Finally, I say, "guess i never realized how little i mattered until now. when u treat people this way, it really hurts u know. I think now is finally the time to give up." Then i deleted my Facebook app so i couldn't know whether or not he ever replied to that. Today, I checked and he did reply. He said, "What's wrong with you? i was in the water or driving all day so i couldn't get back to u till later. Why do you always think the worse of things." This made me so angry!!! He said, "what's wrong with you." Do you guys think I'm crazy? You know, if he was just someone i had just met, I would never send more than one message. But he was someone I talked to everyday for 8 months; I didn't think he would dismiss me that easily. I feel like such an idiot right now! Also, the fact that we've been talking for long, and i've been waiting patiently for so long for him to come back. I just couldn't believe that the week before he returns, we would end things. I just wanted us to stay together. Anyways, I decided to reply to him, "If someone sees ur message several times but doesn't respond, is it not logical to assume they're ignoring you, particularly given their recent conduct? I never wrote anything mean or harassing towards you, and in fact, I apologized for being unreasonable in the past. So i didn't think it was too much to ask how your trip was going. No, there's nothing wrong with me." What do you think of my reply? Anyways, he comes back this week, but i have no idea if we will ever see each other again. Right now, it's safe to assume we are not on speaking terms. This just sucks. Sometimes I think he only kept things going in the past because he needed a companion to help him last through deployment. Now that he's close to being home, he can date whoever he wants. He doesn't need to talk to me anymore. I don't know. I just know I don't want to come off as crazy anymore.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Do you guys think I'm crazy? Yeah. You don't have what it takes to be in a long distance relationship or to be in one with someone in the military. Find a local boyfriend and eliminate your triggers.
Halcyon Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I think you are very different. You seem quite needy, he seems pretty independent. You're communication styles don't match, you assume the worst when he doesn't instantly reply to you. Whilst it seems he is genuinely busy living his life you are obsessing over his reply time. Having being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior it really does end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I realised I didn't want to be with someone who demanded I drop what I'm doing to reply to a text or else be accused of not caring about them or I'm ignoring them. That is insecurity right there. This is something I think a lot of people forget when they are in relationships is to maintain their own self rather than become a unified blob.
Popsicle Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 It's okay. We've all been some sort of crazy/psycho ex at one point or another. Welcome to the club...
toscaroscura Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I think you are very different. You seem quite needy, he seems pretty independent. You're communication styles don't match, you assume the worst when he doesn't instantly reply to you. Whilst it seems he is genuinely busy living his life you are obsessing over his reply time. Having being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior it really does end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I realised I didn't want to be with someone who demanded I drop what I'm doing to reply to a text or else be accused of not caring about them or I'm ignoring them. That is insecurity right there. This is something I think a lot of people forget when they are in relationships is to maintain their own self rather than become a unified blob. On the one hand, I agree with you that it's good to lead your own life, and not be dependent and obsessed with response times and texts. However, I've been on the receiving end of this "independent" behavior, and there's a point after which it stops being merely independent and starts feeling like they don't care. Don't we always advise that people who really care about you will act like they care? I'm independent too. I spend a lot of time by myself and have things to do. But I'll tell you, I would never straight up ignore a man I loved. If I were busy, I would do my best to reassure him of my plans. I'd say, "Hey, I'm gonna be at the lake all day today, I'll text you at x time, I love you!" And then I would keep my word and text him when I said I would. If, by some bad luck/timing, I had made the man I love feel ignored and unloved, I'd do my best to make things right. Sometimes people are just insecure for no reason, but sometimes, "insecurity" like the OP's only reaches this point after weeks or months of this treatment. In my own case, my insecurities and my gut were correct. He didn't love me like I loved him. I drove myself crazy with his periodic silences, I made excuses, I hoped that he was just an independent guy. Trust your gut, OP. 3
Halcyon Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 This is true I always let my partners know when I'm going to be quite hectic and what my plans are. It's only happened to me with one person, she demanded I made her priority over everything because she was insecure when I didn't reply immediately and assumed the worst even if I told her I was going to be unavailable during that time. Long distance is hard done that too and I guess extra communication is required by both parties.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 He's a douche who's manipulating you. He doesn't see himself being in an exclusive relationship with you, that's why his FB profile is single. Break up (even though it's not a real relationship), go full NC & move on.
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 I think you are very different. You seem quite needy, he seems pretty independent. You're communication styles don't match, you assume the worst when he doesn't instantly reply to you. Whilst it seems he is genuinely busy living his life you are obsessing over his reply time. Having being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior it really does end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I realised I didn't want to be with someone who demanded I drop what I'm doing to reply to a text or else be accused of not caring about them or I'm ignoring them. That is insecurity right there. This is something I think a lot of people forget when they are in relationships is to maintain their own self rather than become a unified blob. Thanks for the feedback. I do feel like I need to be more independent in some aspects, but prior to this incident, I never harassed him for not replying instantly. I guess the difference between before and now is the fact that I'm unsure about how he feels about me. Also, maybe the fact that I'm asking him to change his relationship status on Facebook also points out my insecurity. I guess I need to just let it go. So what if I never see him again. I was used to not seeing him anyway. He may think I'm needy, but he wasn't a saint himself. He clearly had no regard for my feelings. Ignoring people is hurtful. Anyways, lesson learned i guess. 1
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 He's a douche who's manipulating you. He doesn't see himself being in an exclusive relationship with you, that's why his FB profile is single. Break up (even though it's not a real relationship), go full NC & move on. Yeah, that's why the whole Facebook status thing really bothered me. Coupled with the fact that he wants to break up just before he comes back is pretty telling. Then again, I'm just making assumptions. But thanks for the advice. NC is really the way to go. I've deleted my Facebook app so I won't know if he replies or not. And who cares if he does. It really is the end for us.
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 On the one hand, I agree with you that it's good to lead your own life, and not be dependent and obsessed with response times and texts. However, I've been on the receiving end of this "independent" behavior, and there's a point after which it stops being merely independent and starts feeling like they don't care. Don't we always advise that people who really care about you will act like they care? I'm independent too. I spend a lot of time by myself and have things to do. But I'll tell you, I would never straight up ignore a man I loved. If I were busy, I would do my best to reassure him of my plans. I'd say, "Hey, I'm gonna be at the lake all day today, I'll text you at x time, I love you!" And then I would keep my word and text him when I said I would. If, by some bad luck/timing, I had made the man I love feel ignored and unloved, I'd do my best to make things right. Sometimes people are just insecure for no reason, but sometimes, "insecurity" like the OP's only reaches this point after weeks or months of this treatment. In my own case, my insecurities and my gut were correct. He didn't love me like I loved him. I drove myself crazy with his periodic silences, I made excuses, I hoped that he was just an independent guy. Trust your gut, OP. Exactly! It's not that hard to text back and tell me he's busy and he'll get back to me later. But anyways, looking back at the last email he sent to me, I can see that he was really trying to break up. "I feel like we're too different that it won't work out." Seriously, why did I think that he was only on the fence and why did I write back apologizing?? He doesn't want to be with me, and I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't like me back. Thanks for your input!
toscaroscura Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Exactly! It's not that hard to text back and tell me he's busy and he'll get back to me later. But anyways, looking back at the last email he sent to me, I can see that he was really trying to break up. "I feel like we're too different that it won't work out." Seriously, why did I think that he was only on the fence and why did I write back apologizing?? He doesn't want to be with me, and I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't like me back. Thanks for your input! Believe me, I have been here. Texting is so lazy, it's the easiest form of communicating around, it literally takes seconds to send a bit of love and reassurance. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes. He doesn't want to be with me, and I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't like me back. Once our excuses for them fall away, and we see how uncaring they have really been, it becomes so clear. It's painful, but it's critical for moving on. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Exactly! It's not that hard to text back and tell me he's busy and he'll get back to me later. But anyways, looking back at the last email he sent to me, I can see that he was really trying to break up. "I feel like we're too different that it won't work out." Seriously, why did I think that he was only on the fence and why did I write back apologizing?? He doesn't want to be with me, and I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't like me back. Thanks for your input! I think you've got the right attitude now. His ambivalence was very telling, I think. He just wasn't all that into it. Out of curiosity, had you previously established that you were boyfriend-girlfriend?
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) I think you've got the right attitude now. His ambivalence was very telling, I think. He just wasn't all that into it. Out of curiosity, had you previously established that you were boyfriend-girlfriend? Yes, we are boyfriend-girlfriend, supposedly. It was more of my idea, i suppose. After a couple months of talking and after he sent me roses for valentine's day, I asked if he thinks of me as his girlfriend, and he said yes. Later on, when we had a short breakup, he asked, "What do you want from this relationship." I said "I don't know, but I don't want to be just friends." He said, "it's obvious we are way past being friends." I said, "No i don't want to be friends with benefits either." He said he didn't know what's going to happen but he's willing to give it a shot, and "it's not just about sex. I want to spend time with you." I assume that means we were in a relationship. Eh, who knows now. But yeah, it seems like he's not that all into it. It's crazy because just a couple months before, he was telling me "love you. sleep tight" and "i don't know if you'll fall asleep, but if u don't get my messages, i'll talk to u when i get to the computer, love you." He also told me he kept an album of my pictures on his phone and he looks at it before he goes to sleep a lot. How can someone go from telling me he loves me to not even caring about me at all so quickly? I'm at a loss. My only rationale is that as he got to know me, I turned him off... or he only felt that way before because he was lonely on a ship. Edited June 22, 2015 by PinkCarnations
brokengirl85 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 You are acting irrational. But I think he's triggering something on you that make you act like a crazy person. Think about it, it's not reasonable to act te way you did. The guy is enjoying this situation but it's because he's playing with you and, most of all, he's not that into you at all! He doesn't even seem your bf, he looks like the guy is trying to disappear from you and you continue insisting. Crazy situation. Leave the guy alone, and try to calm down a little.
Halcyon Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Yes, we are boyfriend-girlfriend, supposedly. It was more of my idea, i suppose. After a couple months of talking and after he sent me roses for valentine's day, I asked if he thinks of me as his girlfriend, and he said yes. Later on, when we had a short breakup, he asked, "What do you want from this relationship." I said "I don't know, but I don't want to be just friends." He said, "it's obvious we are way past being friends." I said, "No i don't want to be friends with benefits either." He said he didn't know what's going to happen but he's willing to give it a shot, and "it's not just about sex. I want to spend time with you." I assume that means we were in a relationship. Eh, who knows now. But yeah, it seems like he's not that all into it. It's crazy because just a couple months before, he was telling me "love you. sleep tight" and "i don't know if you'll fall asleep, but if u don't get my messages, i'll talk to u when i get to the computer, love you." He also told me he kept an album of my pictures on his phone and he looks at it before he goes to sleep a lot. How can someone go from telling me he loves me to not even caring about me at all so quickly? I'm at a loss. My only rationale is that as he got to know me, I turned him off... or he only felt that way before because he was lonely on a ship. With this extra information I apologize for my previous post. He is being a dick and this is completely different from my own personal experience. My experience I always am honest and straight forward with the people I date so there is no room for confusion about where we stand. This also being a long distance relationship (mostly) would aggravate those problems if he is being wishy washy and vague in his communication.
nadine5 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 Listen to me carefully. I just went through a VERY SIMILAR SITUATION. STOP TEXTING HIM. If he texts you, wait awhile and then respond positively. "Hey what's up! Just going to the pool with some friends. How have you been?" Do NOT talk about the relationship unless he brings it up first. Do NOT ask him to hang out with you. Do NOT apologize. QUIT APOLOGIZING. DON'T. And for the love of GOD stop contacting him! 1
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