Should a man get involved if another man hits on his significant other?

June 21, 2015

Excuse my errors; typed all this on a mobile device (as an FYI, all my posts are on a mobile device).

The story: GF got a new job a week ago. A great job. Some of the guys have taken a real liking to her (CEO included). They flirt with her often, with the CEO being the biggest flirter. Without going in to too much detail, the CEO implied (to my GF) that if you're not married, you're single. That would mean that even if she was engaged to be married, she's still single in his books (and available for him to snatch away from me). The CEO is wealthy, btw.

My response/reaction to all this? *yawn*

I told my friends about this the other day and they were shocked at my reaction. Some of the things they said/asked:

"Aren't you worried about her cheating!?"

"Why don't you pay her work place a visit just to let them know 'what's up?'"

"Women like it when their BF gets involved if a guy hits on her; you should do something."

"So she just told you all of this? She trusted you enough to tell you that guys were hitting on her?"

"You are too nice of a guy." (Uh... lol?)

The whole jealousy/angry reaction thing are for those guys that feel like they are inferior to other men and feel like they need to shield their SO's from the advances of other men so that the woman does not realize that she is capable of finding a much better man (this has been my belief and remains my belief).

I know that, in general, women like to be desired. It's natural IMO. I'm not going to stop my GF from being desired by other guys. She gets a kick out of it (and an ego boost), and I get a kick out of her shooting them down. With that being said, 95% of the time guys try to pick her up while I'm not around of course (duh). So it's not like there is a line of guys trying to pick her up while I just sit there.

And yes, she tells me when other guys try to pick up on her. She even told me of an ex co-worker that asked her out this past Valentine's Day when he already knew we were together (we've been together 4.5 years). LMAO! Actually, I felt bad for the guy because he is one of those depressed romantic types. He took a leap of faith, but the poor guy never had a chance.

Also, why is it wrong for another guy to try to pick up my GF? Can the guy really be blamed for having good taste? I mean... At the least, our tastes agree, right? I'm not going to punish him for that. I think the only time for me to get involved is if the guy that is trying to hit on my GF is being disrespectful or inappropriate. This especially can't be tolerated if the disrespect is in a public setting. In my 4.5 years with my GF, this has only happened once. We were at the Hollywood Walk of Fame a little over a month ago and I had to shoo away some wannabe rapper. That's been the only time I had to get involved.

There is more to be said on this subject (like if I should worry about my GF cheating), but I am going to wind this post up for now. Though I will say it is not my role to micromanage my GF's interactions for her so that I assure myself that she won't cheat. My job is to make her want to remain in a relationship with me and to not desire cheating. IMO, once she desires someone else, I've already failed and I've lost her.

Edited June 21, 2015 by S_A

June 22, 2015

I think given that this is a new job for her, you are right not to go all caveman at her office. That will just make job problems for her.

I will say, however, that if her boss or anyone else gets pushy and/or inappropriate, I'd encourage her to go to HR. His comments about her being single, etc. are out of line IMO.

June 22, 2015

How 'bout putting a burka on her? That way no one will notice her...

But seriously, regardless of gender and/or status - people get hit on. Even ugly people.

Key here is how an SO handles it. Now, just cuz they let someone down gently (w/o getting up in their face, calling the SO to "defend their honor") doesn't mean they enjoyed the ego boost, are flirts and/or are one step from cheating - it simply means they "handled" it.

So, unless your SO actively seeks out attention, flirts, and/or doesn't make clear to these guys her status - then I see an issue.

June 22, 2015

I think given that this is a new job for her, you are right not to go all caveman at her office. That will just make job problems for her.

I will say, however, that if her boss or anyone else gets pushy and/or inappropriate, I'd encourage her to go to HR. His comments about her being single, etc. are out of line IMO.

You can't run to HR over silly stuff. Someone inquiring about your status is not sexual harassment and/or an offense. If you go to HR over something like that, they'll probably label you a loon.

You oughta read up on sexual harassment claims/cases. Even in real cases of sexual harassment it has to be pervasive, influence your ability to do a job, etc...it isn't that simple.

June 22, 2015

No they shouldn't get involved. They should trust their SO to handle it on her own.

I would be really pissed off if I was being hit on by another guy and my boyfriend "came to my rescue" I can handle this stuff on my own without running to my SO to handle it for me.

June 22, 2015

His comments about her being single, etc. are out of line IMO.

You can't begin to imagine how inappropriate the single comment was. But I'm not worried about it. My GF laughed at it with me, but we were both surprised he had the guts to go there. She loves where she works to be honest. It's not like she's getting hounded every minute or something.

Gloria, I agree that it'd be totally different if she was actively flirting and did not make her status clear (especially the latter), that it'd be a huge issue. She does make her status clear, but I don't think it could ever be clear enough for the CEO lol.

I totally don't expect him to make an advance on her where she has to choose to be with him or lose her job. Heck no. I do not even consider that to be a possibility. Neither of us are worried about anything like that

June 22, 2015

You can't run to HR over silly stuff. Someone inquiring about your status is not sexual harassment and/or an offense. If you go to HR over something like that, they'll probably label you a loon.

You oughta read up on sexual harassment claims/cases. Even in real cases of sexual harassment it has to be pervasive, influence your ability to do a job, etc...it isn't that simple.

If you actually read my post, it was clear I meant continual, escalating, actual harassment,

June 22, 2015

I take a different stance on this. I think you should make your presence known.

If you don't want to do that, then you should tell your GF to stop telling you about all the men who hit on her.

June 22, 2015

I've always treated it exactly like you are doing. Never had a problem.

Confidence isn't just for initial dating, it's something to show throughout life.

You're doing exactly the right thing.

Making moves and looking scared of these dudes snatching your girl actually makes it more likey they will.

Playing it cool makes you look (and you know you are) superior to them.

Stay the course...

June 22, 2015

I've always treated it exactly like you are doing. Never had a problem.

Confidence isn't just for initial dating, it's something to show throughout life.

You're doing exactly the right thing.

Making moves and looking scared of these dudes snatching your girl actually makes it more likey they will.

Playing it cool makes you look (and you know you are) superior to them.

Stay the course...

Like x10

My friends were telling me (it was more like an intense debate) that women like it when you step in and do somethingg about it. I can't imagine that being the case unless the woman was scared.

Liking all the responses so far! As some of you may have figured, it was me vs everyone else when we had this talk.

June 22, 2015

Good for you for being one of those rare guys confident enough to not be threatened by every opportunity their gfs encounter -- because of course, there's always going to be opportunity. If you are secure enough either in your gf to know she's not about to cheat on you, which is usually true of committed women, or secure enough in yourself that if she does, you'll live right through it and realize she simply wasn't the one but the next one might be, then you are ten steps ahead of your overreacting insecure friends. Do not listen to them.

June 22, 2015

I have zero jealousy issues myself and don't often feel the need to do something or react in any way and I can understand other guys testing the boundaries and seeing if there is any potential there, and how that is handled is up to the woman you are with.

HOWEVER...as a man, and a man who doesn't take kindly to persistent little *****s..I will step in and make my presence known if necessary, and women usually have a hard time dealing with confrontation and these kinds of interactions as they fear the consequences or the misbehavior of these men...I do not however, and even enjoy confrontation because it really shows whether someone is actually as bold as they pretend to be.

I would respect a guy coming up to me and telling me to back off in a certain situation I was being inappropriate in...and I would do the same myself. In her situation.

In her situation, I would simply just make my presence known around the office..maybe casually by making an appearance, I'd look at these guys right in the eyes and introduce myself and give them a sense of my energy and presence, now they have a face to attach it the woman they're trying to repeatedly engage.

Unfortunately men don't often respect women, but will instead more often respect the men they are with. If they don't respect the men those women are with, they will see this as an open gate and keep working on your woman to break down those walls. And she shouldn't have to persistently reject their advances day after day.

If you always sit back as a man, you're not really "handling" it, you're just avoiding it altogether. I'm not saying you got to barge in there with a stick, but IMO disrespecting my SO is disrespecting me and my relationship, that will call for appropriate and reasonable action I'm not just going to stand by lurking in the shadows of an alley, watching from afar...laughing away and taking it lightly while she's telling me these guys are trying this or that on her...those guys need to be checked IMO.

Edited June 22, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas

June 22, 2015

It's basically up to her as to what happens next. She can take his flirty ways as flattery and leave it at that, not a big deal and laugh it off, or she can react to it and be turned on by it, woo'd by his status and money. Question is, do you trust her 100%? Is she one to put herself in situations that are tempting? if no, then don't worry about it. Does she have strong boundaries? Respect you, the marriage and respect herself? If yes, then don't worry about it.

If no, then you better make it clear to her that if she ever cheats you with this guy or anybody else, she's out the door and can live life without you.

Anyway, the CEO has a huge ego and probably will be onto the next woman in the office. I bet he's hit on every single one of them! The guy sounds like a rich scum bag.

June 22, 2015

It's basically up to her as to what happens next. She can take his flirty ways as flattery and leave it at that, not a big deal and laugh it off, or she can react to it and be turned on by it, woo'd by his status and money. Question is, do you trust her 100%? Is she one to put herself in situations that are tempting? if no, then don't worry about it. Does she have strong boundaries? Respect you, the marriage and respect herself? If yes, then don't worry about it.

If no, then you better make it clear to her that if she ever cheats you with this guy or anybody else, she's out the door and can live life without you.

Anyway, the CEO has a huge ego and probably will be onto the next woman in the office. I bet he's hit on every single one of them! The guy sounds like a rich scum bag.

It's not about trust, jealousy, control, or even whether she cheats...if someone wants to cheat you, they're going to do it anyway no matter what you do.

The point is...If someone comes over, and takes a ***** on your back-porch, you don't leave it alone because the gardener cleans it anyway, especially if he's telling you "hey, this guy keeps coming over to your yard, and taking a dump on your porch"...it's still your house, it's still your right to expect a boundary of respect.

She's there to work, it's a not a singles bar or a brothel...now should she exercise that boundary on her own? of course, but you are the MAN in the relationship, and when push comes to shove, how someone treats her is a reflection on you as a man because they are brazenly treading on your territory so to speak, when she if informing you of this situation and their persistence.

At the end of the day, do whatever you guys do..but that ***** isn't happening on my watch. I will tell her to be clear about her attitude and behavior, and not be inviting if that's what she intends and feels, but I'm not just going to hang back and let it happen under my nose if it continues...she's telling me for a reason, sure it's an ego boost for her I'm sure in some ways but I guess for me, I know how men are and how men think and they want to play with fire and take some risks being brazen...then there's going to be me in the way.

If she wants to go behind my back and do a whole little undercover situation and continue to flirt that's her choice, but if that's the case I wouldn't be expected to be involved...but women in so many ways warn you and are sending you a message, it's up to you to listen and make the right call depending on the type of girl and the situation.

June 22, 2015

Beautiful women (actually most all women) encounter pickup artists quite often. Strong, confident women certainly know how to handle these guys in an efficient, professional manner, and as others have stated, I'd be irked if my SO stepped in without my consent. Just bc I'm sharing what transpired at work doesn't mean I'm seeking protection. I'm not a weakling and don't need a man to fight my battles. If the pickup artist's behavior became aggressive or threatening, then yeah, I'd contact HR.

You are doing the right thing by allowing her to share the events of her day w/o going ballistic prematurely. Doing so would make her less inclined to communicate these details, and that would put a strain on your relationship. Besides, if she planned to act on any of these advancements, she wouldn't be telling you about them to start with. Your Gf isn't going anywhere and she is comfortable discussing matters like this bc she knows you trust her to handle it.

June 22, 2015

When I was younger this would have driven me bonkers.

Now I know that there will always be guys around that will hit on girls whether they're single or not. Bars, shopping malls, the park, whatever. They don't really matter, only the girl does. If she cheats it wouldn't be because there was another guy around, it would be because she wanted to.

In short, the guys don't matter, only the girl does. She is the one that holds the power. Unless they're hitting on and moving in on her in a very inappropriate way. That would be different and require action.

June 22, 2015

You are doing the right thing by allowing her to share the events of her day w/o going ballistic prematurely. Doing so would make her less inclined to communicate these details, and that would put a strain on your relationship. Besides, if she planned to act on any of these advancements, she wouldn't be telling you about them to start with. Your Gf isn't going anywhere and she is comfortable discussing matters like this bc she knows you trust her to handle it.

As a guy who knows how often women stray from relationships and can be manipulated into situation by other men, I beg to differ on many of the perspectives here.

Can't tell you how many guys like these have been cheated on or it's led to something inappropriate because of his lack of initiative to do anything at all...contrary to popular belief, there is tact in these situations, you don't need to be a raging lunatic to get the point across.

Women do not respect men who sit back and show no concern or protectiveness in any way or form when they are being encroached upon by other men...and women are only human and will take a liking to another man if she finds him attractive.

These guys would allow a guy to slip in under the radar, because their passivity shows a signal to the woman that he isn't concerned, she's informed him of the situation but his reaction was mostly silence and indifference.

Now I'm no fool myself, I can tell the difference between a woman lighting my fire to get me to react or act out of jealousy or she's dealing with a situation. And honestly, if she shows no restraint and bad judgment and boundaries then I'd in no way come swoop her up to the rescue because of her manipulation or desire to draw a quarrel for her own ego.

I'm just trying to be clear and advise men on how this really works, I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat with women and one similarity rang true between all of them...none of these guys would ever step up to intervene, and I'd even beg to argue that maybe it was a bit of fear and denial on their part rather than just being "confident" in themselves and the women.

I'm very informed when it comes to these types of situations...I've had a lot of experience on the "dark side" of things and knew a lot of women doing bad things...and to me, if a woman is hinting to you this often, you should react.

It's up to people whether they just want to see within themselves or for the reality, if they're willing to lose something or weaken their relationship due to inaction that's their bid...but I know a lot of women that can be taken away by a smooth guy who's appealing and attractive, over time chipping away and building that relationship of trust while Mr. Boyfriend sits by acting like nothing is going on...if I only had a dime for every guy I've seen it happen to.

Cheating is much closer to your door step than you think, people like to attribute "faithfulness" like it's some deep-sowed virtue woven into the core of your body...I'd beg to differ from experience, very very much so.

But hey, if it's black and white to people like most things are...go right ahead, but the real world operates in the grey, it is very amusing to me to come to LS and see how much people aren't aware of what is really happening in the world and how what they are doing and the choices they are making are actually unbeknownst to them, contributing to their own undesired fates...in more ways than they know.

Very interesting topic to read on, unfortunately as usual it's not based on something people are very familiar and informed about so it's not going to go very deep...just a one-side of the coin type of thing with opinions, oh well it's always that way here.

June 22, 2015

I've only stepped in once in my entire marriage.

Some particularly crafty sob was trying to hit on my ex wife as I went to the next section of the grocery store to grab an item we forgot to get.

Came back to find her cornered.

Got pissed, actually and let the guy have it verbally. I go from 0 to 100 pretty quickly. "Get the F out nof here, @ hole, who do you think you are?, etc" He took off.

Otherwise, if a girl I'm with wants to cause difficulty and accept some lesser man's advances to any extent, he can have her.

June 22, 2015

Probably want to keep an eye on it.

June 22, 2015

sounds to me like there is "right" and "wrong" here.

What's wrong is that your girlfriend is not only not doing anything but maybe encouraging the men in her office to flirt and hot on her. Ans when the CEO basically tells her hse does not give a damm about her BF and that he consideres her fair game, sorry buddy that is not OK.!!! And in most organizaiton of any repute that could make him the ex Ceo real quick.

Now as far as the other issue. Men are going to hit on women period. Married or not married women. Men have chased women since the prehistoric times and that is not going to change. And women are going to like some attention from men or even vice versa. And so it is good you are not paranoid over every little bit of attention your girlfriend gets.

But here's where you better be a little careful. When a woman likes this attention so much that she needs this external validation too much you are then heading down a slippery slope. If you read ANY infidelity forum where the woman cheats you can be guaranteed to find the following as part of the explanation

(1) i got hooked on the "ego" kibbles

(2) he said all the right things

(3) he made me feel sexy

And the list could go on and on. And guess what,??? 99% of these woman had no original intentions of cheating. It just happened is the phrase we hear all the time and it iusually "just happened" because boundaries got crossed .

So its great that your GF talks to you and tells you these things. But by the way, one of the big red flags is when shje talks about some guy hitting on her too much. Then you think its all under control and "relax".

The good communication is wonderful but don't think because you are so "enlightened" and such a stud that she would never want anyone else.

The sad fact is that the overwhelming percentage of betrayed spouses NEVER thought it could happen to them. Always happens to the other guy

June 22, 2015

S_A already knows that about me but no, I don't need guys to step in to fend off other guys. I don't even need guys to do that physically if things get 'rough.'

S_A's GF is ironclad, so the office tales aren't wandering-eye boasting or teasing/testing the waters, she's genuinely sharing life experiences with a committed partner like you should in healthy relationships, and nothing more. He's got one of the best ones. (In many ways ...oh my. )

June 22, 2015

I understand why a certain segment of posters go straight to "she's doing something wrong" if a woman gets hit on, and why their assumption of choice is that everyone who gets hit on will cheat. I just do not think that is the case in this case.

This sometimes smacks of the whole, "women should be more modest so as not to attract attention" Al-quaeda/Bill Gothard blame the woman...thing.

If she is being honest with her partner and not encouraging this (and no, breathing does not count as encouragement), then accusations of cheating, GPS, VAR, PI, polygraph, blah blah blah blah that typically eventually comes up is just ridiculous.

And the OP said this was a brand new job. Nothing screams "fire me" like the new employee's boyfriend coming to the office to flex his muscles.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar people.

June 22, 2015

I know that, in general, women like to be desired. It's natural IMO. I'm not going to stop my GF from being desired by other guys.

as long as she keeps shooting them down, i don't really see a problem. she is a big girl & can tell another man NO all by herself so to answer the question from the title -- no, a man shouldn't get involved if another man hits on his SO unless the man won't go away (becomes annoying and it turns into harrasment type of thing).

i mean, be proud. she is obviously a stunner!

June 22, 2015

This sometimes smacks of the whole, "women should be more modest so as not to attract attention" Al-quaeda/Bill Gothard blame the woman...thing.

Haha - that LOLed me.

June 22, 2015

i mean, be proud. she is obviously a stunner!

She's (another) one of my secret crushes.

Sign In

Should a man get involved if another man hits on his significant other?

Recommended Posts

S_A

autumnnight

Gloria25

Gloria25

TunaCat

S_A

autumnnight

Popsicle

loveweary11

S_A

preraph

Ninjainpajamas

whichwayisup

Ninjainpajamas

Methodical

The Poster

Ninjainpajamas

loveweary11

StanMusial

Friskyone4u

jen1447

autumnnight

minimariah

jen1447

jen1447

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...